After almost 20 years...
"What if it's not bipolar?"
-A question posed to me by my new doctor.
Immediately, my defenses kicked in... I was thinking everything all at once. Can he just change my diagnosis like that? One that I've finally learned to be comfortable having? Wouldn't this change my entire buffet of pills?
"I'm not denying you have the symptoms, but what if your brain is just tired? Tired brains are more moody, more likely to be depressed, more likely to act out."
"ADHD and depression can be misdiagnosed with narcolepsy."
I'm on the brink of finding out the reason I pass out sometimes, the potential cause of my POTS, and now... the reason for my mood swings?
I understand that I could be happy over this, but I'm so nervous. I hate changing meds. What if my mood swings get worse? What if I can't focus on anything again?
What if life is awful after knowing?
But also -
What if I never had bipolar? It'd feel like a lie. I embraced this diagnosis finally, and it feels like it might get "taken away from me." The chance that it's not true, at least in most part, is so baffling.
I was diagnosed with manic depression when younger, and that later turned to getting diagnosed again with bipolar when I was 20. I had a violent episode due to a math argument (and.... lack of good sleep? that sounds awful. I know sleep is precious but to feel like I'm a monster half my life due to POOR SLEEP instead of BRAIN CHEMISTRY...)
I understand to trust the experts. I just don't like it. Things could be changing, and I'm not prepared.