tonight in this moment
The rain falls gently on the skylight above my grandfathers hospital bed, the noises of the ICU buzz and beep all around me. I hold my grandfathers hand and whisper silent prayers to the angels i cannot see but know are present. The expression on his face is that of pain and anguish but yet i feel as though he is calm... he is ready. He has been here at the Foothills Hospital since the night of my birthday and tonight i will stay here with him.
Tear soaked tissues litter the floor around me and fill the garbage can in the corner... remnants from my mother and her sisters visit earlier in the day. The doctors say the outlook is bleak and the chances are slim. We are told to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Some say the ICU takes 11 years off your life and for my grandfather that's just 11 years too many. My heart races everytime his life support monitor beeps or he shifts in his bed. I simply cannot grasp the concept of death but yet it seems to linger in the air in this place. I am comforted by the fact that he has led a good fruitful life and has been supremely healthy the majority of his life. It is strange to think that less than 48 hours ago everything was fine. A bacterial infection triggered a severe life altering cardiac arrest. He cannot breathe on his own nor can his heart pump the necessary blood to stay alive. The man i have looked up to my entire life has been reduced to this frail being before me clinging to life.
My eyes sting from all the tears and my body aches from exhaustion. Tonight i have never been more scared in my entire life. This is a pain that is so excrutiating all i can do is sit here and cry. In my mind he wants me to be here and this is where i should be ...
... tonight mortality is a cold hard pill to swallow.
... tonight i wonder if this is to be the culmination of such immense heartache that it will be the undoing of my emotional boundaries.
... tonight we hold onto hope but embrace despair.
... tonight she is the one i miss and need the most in this moment.
... tonight she is thousands of miles away trying to forget i ever existed.
... tonight i feel like i am dying as well.
Tear soaked tissues litter the floor around me and fill the garbage can in the corner... remnants from my mother and her sisters visit earlier in the day. The doctors say the outlook is bleak and the chances are slim. We are told to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Some say the ICU takes 11 years off your life and for my grandfather that's just 11 years too many. My heart races everytime his life support monitor beeps or he shifts in his bed. I simply cannot grasp the concept of death but yet it seems to linger in the air in this place. I am comforted by the fact that he has led a good fruitful life and has been supremely healthy the majority of his life. It is strange to think that less than 48 hours ago everything was fine. A bacterial infection triggered a severe life altering cardiac arrest. He cannot breathe on his own nor can his heart pump the necessary blood to stay alive. The man i have looked up to my entire life has been reduced to this frail being before me clinging to life.
My eyes sting from all the tears and my body aches from exhaustion. Tonight i have never been more scared in my entire life. This is a pain that is so excrutiating all i can do is sit here and cry. In my mind he wants me to be here and this is where i should be ...
... tonight mortality is a cold hard pill to swallow.
... tonight i wonder if this is to be the culmination of such immense heartache that it will be the undoing of my emotional boundaries.
... tonight we hold onto hope but embrace despair.
... tonight she is the one i miss and need the most in this moment.
... tonight she is thousands of miles away trying to forget i ever existed.
... tonight i feel like i am dying as well.