RE; since this is what you respond to..
first, thank you for responding finally. you coulda sent something straight to me but that really doesnt matter just the fact that i know you at least care about what is going on.
second,ive told you that i said what i said of of anger and out of hurt, it was wrong of me to curse you, and i apoilogize for that, but for what i said i do not becase that is how i felt. the reason why i held on even when i felt like i was the only one doing anything for the friendship is because i was hoping that this time wouldnt be like the others. i was hoping that this time you would be able to balance a relationship and me, but i guess you cannot.
"i couldnt give up Jai because he does so much for me he makes me want to be a better peron in life ya know and like, as for gabby if she honestly felt she did everything for our friendship and that it stresses her out then ya know maybe i shouldnt be in her life she's already going to school so im sure she'd have a better chance at finding a better friend."- im sorry if this makes you mad john, but you and i both know that this is buttery bullshit. like i said before you know how i am and you know that in the end all i wanted you to do was respond to the message. i wanted you to care that i felt like you werent treating me well. i do not have the hatered in my heart to let you go like that. we have been through so much in these 4yrs we have known eachother. i know what i sent you but i honestly didnt mean that. and even if i did mean that, you really picked jai over me...? is it worth it? am i the one that was easiest to throw away in the sake of jai leaving you because of what he saw? if he didnt see what i said about paco..what then? would we still not have spoken for two and a half months? i know i do not love you as far as relationships go, but when guys leave you..who is there to always pick you up? who will you cry to if something happens or who will you vent to?
you say that all you want is him and i to be friends and you would be conflicted because of the whole hanging out and time spending situations. but john, you were with him and we did it. yea i got mad cuz i wouldnt see you for weeks, but atleast i saw you. atleast you acted like i existed instead of just blowing me off. i feel like youre making excuses for all this. i feel like me going to school is a scape goat for what is clearly and painfully evident, you left me, you best friend, and plenty others, for jai.
in all seriousness, i dont care about your boyfriend, i dont. when you would come to me with problems i would joke around, but i would give you the most honest un-biased advice i could. even with the whole thing with paco, i gave the best advice i could, even if i wanted you to leave him. my loyalty is to you, because you are my friend. i owe jai nothing. and i should not have to be around someone i do not like. if you brought him around i admit, i act like a bitch and maybe i shouldnt have but it has never been extreme(or something you didnt laugh at yourself) but even if it was, i am YOUR FRIEND not his, i owe him nothing.
"and like honestly i realize why he would get mad and upset about the whole smoing and drinking cuz well i men you already seen how it gets...i end up cheating on him so in a way he kinda has all the reasons as to why he doesnt like it ya know. so it's like i mean if those things wouldnt have happened then he would be totally fine with them. but also you kinda do lead it on. you know im in a relationship and you still push. and it's also on my part too im not saying it's all your fault but it's like i want both of us to have a good time everytime me we hang out ya know and it was for fun"
- this might sound harsh, but take some responsibility for your own actions. i am not your keeper, john is. if you wanna do something i back you 100% because i am your friend. now if i think that that thing is a bad idea, ill say so, but that wouldnt stop you from doing that thing. it is not my job to tell you not to cheat on your boyfriend because i am not cheating police. like i said and will keep saying untill you hear me you are grown, i am your friend, and not your keeper.you answer to no one but yourself and if you wanna cheat on whoever then you do it and you do it fucking good and if you dont then dont, its that simple. but i will not have you sit here and say that i "pushed" anything, because i did not. and john, and this is nothing to take offensively, but youre a cheating sonofabitch! you know that, i know that. im not saying u cant change i am just saying, dont make excuses.
and at the end you say that when everything cools down we can be friends..is that like code for when/if you and jai break up we can be friends? we can work right now. that whole plans thing and you missing a weekend crap, thats bs and you know it. there is a bigger reason as to why we cant be friends and i think i know why. we can make this friendship work, but i dont think you wanna work for it since you just "know how its gonna play out" so since you know, then i guess that is it then. but i want to here from your own lips, not on lj, i want to hear it from you; is loosing tracie and billy worth it? is it worth your happiness in jai that they obviously cannot provide?
is your happieness with jai an even trade with gabby?
second,ive told you that i said what i said of of anger and out of hurt, it was wrong of me to curse you, and i apoilogize for that, but for what i said i do not becase that is how i felt. the reason why i held on even when i felt like i was the only one doing anything for the friendship is because i was hoping that this time wouldnt be like the others. i was hoping that this time you would be able to balance a relationship and me, but i guess you cannot.
"i couldnt give up Jai because he does so much for me he makes me want to be a better peron in life ya know and like, as for gabby if she honestly felt she did everything for our friendship and that it stresses her out then ya know maybe i shouldnt be in her life she's already going to school so im sure she'd have a better chance at finding a better friend."- im sorry if this makes you mad john, but you and i both know that this is buttery bullshit. like i said before you know how i am and you know that in the end all i wanted you to do was respond to the message. i wanted you to care that i felt like you werent treating me well. i do not have the hatered in my heart to let you go like that. we have been through so much in these 4yrs we have known eachother. i know what i sent you but i honestly didnt mean that. and even if i did mean that, you really picked jai over me...? is it worth it? am i the one that was easiest to throw away in the sake of jai leaving you because of what he saw? if he didnt see what i said about paco..what then? would we still not have spoken for two and a half months? i know i do not love you as far as relationships go, but when guys leave you..who is there to always pick you up? who will you cry to if something happens or who will you vent to?
you say that all you want is him and i to be friends and you would be conflicted because of the whole hanging out and time spending situations. but john, you were with him and we did it. yea i got mad cuz i wouldnt see you for weeks, but atleast i saw you. atleast you acted like i existed instead of just blowing me off. i feel like youre making excuses for all this. i feel like me going to school is a scape goat for what is clearly and painfully evident, you left me, you best friend, and plenty others, for jai.
in all seriousness, i dont care about your boyfriend, i dont. when you would come to me with problems i would joke around, but i would give you the most honest un-biased advice i could. even with the whole thing with paco, i gave the best advice i could, even if i wanted you to leave him. my loyalty is to you, because you are my friend. i owe jai nothing. and i should not have to be around someone i do not like. if you brought him around i admit, i act like a bitch and maybe i shouldnt have but it has never been extreme(or something you didnt laugh at yourself) but even if it was, i am YOUR FRIEND not his, i owe him nothing.
"and like honestly i realize why he would get mad and upset about the whole smoing and drinking cuz well i men you already seen how it gets...i end up cheating on him so in a way he kinda has all the reasons as to why he doesnt like it ya know. so it's like i mean if those things wouldnt have happened then he would be totally fine with them. but also you kinda do lead it on. you know im in a relationship and you still push. and it's also on my part too im not saying it's all your fault but it's like i want both of us to have a good time everytime me we hang out ya know and it was for fun"
- this might sound harsh, but take some responsibility for your own actions. i am not your keeper, john is. if you wanna do something i back you 100% because i am your friend. now if i think that that thing is a bad idea, ill say so, but that wouldnt stop you from doing that thing. it is not my job to tell you not to cheat on your boyfriend because i am not cheating police. like i said and will keep saying untill you hear me you are grown, i am your friend, and not your keeper.you answer to no one but yourself and if you wanna cheat on whoever then you do it and you do it fucking good and if you dont then dont, its that simple. but i will not have you sit here and say that i "pushed" anything, because i did not. and john, and this is nothing to take offensively, but youre a cheating sonofabitch! you know that, i know that. im not saying u cant change i am just saying, dont make excuses.
and at the end you say that when everything cools down we can be friends..is that like code for when/if you and jai break up we can be friends? we can work right now. that whole plans thing and you missing a weekend crap, thats bs and you know it. there is a bigger reason as to why we cant be friends and i think i know why. we can make this friendship work, but i dont think you wanna work for it since you just "know how its gonna play out" so since you know, then i guess that is it then. but i want to here from your own lips, not on lj, i want to hear it from you; is loosing tracie and billy worth it? is it worth your happiness in jai that they obviously cannot provide?
is your happieness with jai an even trade with gabby?