money and the cars, the cars and the clothes, i suppose. i just wanna be successful=/
im sitting here and i am so fucking hot. lol. its so hot in my house and its making me even more irritated then i already am. sigh** i want some sex and that seems like the only thing on my mind these days
and i dont know if thats a bad thing necessarily. idk i just know i needa get some soon before i explode.
so today i had a little outting with my friend. i dont think you could even call him a friend, by definition. he is just someone that is there;an aquaintence. so, we meet at the mall and everything is fine. we go to jamba juice and i ask him if he will be uncomfortable at my bon fire cuz there will be some flamboyant ppl there. he told me that he wouldnt feel uncomfy, he would just feel sorry for them. i was just like.. "wtf do you mean you would feel sorry for them??" and he was like "well obviously they have some self image issues and they are not comfortable in their own skin so that is why they want to act like a girl, and besides, men acting like that isnt really socially acceptable" i was taken so far back. like i couldnt believe he was saying this in my prescence. i know it may seem like a dumb reason to get mad because thats his opinion and he is entitled to it 100%.but in a situation where these are my people you are talking about, how the fuck dare you? who gives you the right to look down at anyone who doesnt meet your standards of what a "man" should or shouldnt act like? i felt so shitty at that moment because its like, im gonna have to deal with this for the rest of my life. otherized, im going to be otherized for the rest of my life. it seems like the more i try to get comfortable in my own skin and with my sexuality, someone comes along and knocks me down from what i thought to be the truth. for the rest of my life i am going to be told that " its just a phase" and so on and so forth.
for example, last week my friend antonia and i got into it on the topic of my sexuality. now i have been knowing antonia for quite sometime now and i have been knowing how she is, and how she views homosexuality to be nothing but a phase for a long time. but for some odd reason when she was speaking those camoflagued hateful things..it was just so loud. she said that she was still my friend regardless, but she didnt agree with, and accept my lifestyle. and i told her that because of that she and i could no longer be friends. no matter who comes in to my life, you can never, EVER think that you can pick and choose things that you are willing to accept or not accept. that, my friends, is not anything close to a fucking friendship. my friends are going to love me through and through and not think that things that i do are just a "phase". how fucking belittling is that? if i were to come to you and tell you things that i am going through with my girlfriend or something, you wouldnt even have the capacity to take me seriously because you already have this way of thinking that what i do, is nothing more than a fucking "phase". fuck that. and i dont need you in my life. goodbye.
and just like her and my other friend view homosexuals, i am, and all of my friends and others like us are fucking "tolerated" because our "behavior" isnt socially acceptable. when heterosexual men practice promiscuity its fucking great, but if a gay man practices it, it is considered socially unacceptable. or, with women, lesbian women, they arent take seriously. society thinks that we go around kissing women in clubs and then proceeding to go back to our fucking husbands. NO. im not. i want to be married to a women. i want to buy property, and go to the doctor, and buy cars, and purchase luxuory things, and go grocery shopping, WITH A WOMEN. i want to live my fucking life with a women...why isnt that taken seriously?? why am i and ppl like my being constantly banished away from societies version of reality. im just so sick. im so sick of it.
pheww** im so glad i got that off of my chest..but its still an issue i face everyday, and i believe ill face it for the rest of my life.
other then that everything is okay. well not okay, but i try not to dwell on bad things. you know, its kind of bad to have a blog that your friends have access to. not that i would talk shit about them on here because what ever i type i can say trillion times better in person, but it definately makes me think twice about how honest i am in my lj entries..hmm.. i believe that is something to consider. but ill just say that im starting not to care. and this has been happening ever since summer bridge, and after alicia. idk. im just tired of being on ppls back burner. its not cute anymore. and i want to do the same thing to those ppl that do it to me (cuz its alot of ppl that do that to me..idk..i think im just like "forgetaboutgabby..prone?") but i wont, cuz im better then that, honestly. but i dont know what to do. lol, maybe just treat everyone that does that to me like i treat alicia, but no one but her deserves that. lmao
ttfn=DD
and i dont know if thats a bad thing necessarily. idk i just know i needa get some soon before i explode.
so today i had a little outting with my friend. i dont think you could even call him a friend, by definition. he is just someone that is there;an aquaintence. so, we meet at the mall and everything is fine. we go to jamba juice and i ask him if he will be uncomfortable at my bon fire cuz there will be some flamboyant ppl there. he told me that he wouldnt feel uncomfy, he would just feel sorry for them. i was just like.. "wtf do you mean you would feel sorry for them??" and he was like "well obviously they have some self image issues and they are not comfortable in their own skin so that is why they want to act like a girl, and besides, men acting like that isnt really socially acceptable" i was taken so far back. like i couldnt believe he was saying this in my prescence. i know it may seem like a dumb reason to get mad because thats his opinion and he is entitled to it 100%.but in a situation where these are my people you are talking about, how the fuck dare you? who gives you the right to look down at anyone who doesnt meet your standards of what a "man" should or shouldnt act like? i felt so shitty at that moment because its like, im gonna have to deal with this for the rest of my life. otherized, im going to be otherized for the rest of my life. it seems like the more i try to get comfortable in my own skin and with my sexuality, someone comes along and knocks me down from what i thought to be the truth. for the rest of my life i am going to be told that " its just a phase" and so on and so forth.
for example, last week my friend antonia and i got into it on the topic of my sexuality. now i have been knowing antonia for quite sometime now and i have been knowing how she is, and how she views homosexuality to be nothing but a phase for a long time. but for some odd reason when she was speaking those camoflagued hateful things..it was just so loud. she said that she was still my friend regardless, but she didnt agree with, and accept my lifestyle. and i told her that because of that she and i could no longer be friends. no matter who comes in to my life, you can never, EVER think that you can pick and choose things that you are willing to accept or not accept. that, my friends, is not anything close to a fucking friendship. my friends are going to love me through and through and not think that things that i do are just a "phase". how fucking belittling is that? if i were to come to you and tell you things that i am going through with my girlfriend or something, you wouldnt even have the capacity to take me seriously because you already have this way of thinking that what i do, is nothing more than a fucking "phase". fuck that. and i dont need you in my life. goodbye.
and just like her and my other friend view homosexuals, i am, and all of my friends and others like us are fucking "tolerated" because our "behavior" isnt socially acceptable. when heterosexual men practice promiscuity its fucking great, but if a gay man practices it, it is considered socially unacceptable. or, with women, lesbian women, they arent take seriously. society thinks that we go around kissing women in clubs and then proceeding to go back to our fucking husbands. NO. im not. i want to be married to a women. i want to buy property, and go to the doctor, and buy cars, and purchase luxuory things, and go grocery shopping, WITH A WOMEN. i want to live my fucking life with a women...why isnt that taken seriously?? why am i and ppl like my being constantly banished away from societies version of reality. im just so sick. im so sick of it.
pheww** im so glad i got that off of my chest..but its still an issue i face everyday, and i believe ill face it for the rest of my life.
other then that everything is okay. well not okay, but i try not to dwell on bad things. you know, its kind of bad to have a blog that your friends have access to. not that i would talk shit about them on here because what ever i type i can say trillion times better in person, but it definately makes me think twice about how honest i am in my lj entries..hmm.. i believe that is something to consider. but ill just say that im starting not to care. and this has been happening ever since summer bridge, and after alicia. idk. im just tired of being on ppls back burner. its not cute anymore. and i want to do the same thing to those ppl that do it to me (cuz its alot of ppl that do that to me..idk..i think im just like "forgetaboutgabby..prone?") but i wont, cuz im better then that, honestly. but i dont know what to do. lol, maybe just treat everyone that does that to me like i treat alicia, but no one but her deserves that. lmao
ttfn=DD