Curse my mind
I guess I can post whatever I want in here these days since no one seems to pay attention to anything I say.
*sighs*
Am I bitter? Oh yes, that I will admit. I'm a bitter person, I forgive but I don't forget. I have been worn down to the point where I don't want to give second chances anymore. What happened to me? Why can't I just go back to the days where I was carefree and full of life all the time.
Oh wait...that was when I was like...three.
I wander through my life with a pile of questions. And so many of those questions are "What if?"
Somewhere at the bottom of that pile is the age old question, of my accident.
What if...on Feb. 26th 1993 I had decided to stay inside? Would the same fate have befallen me at a later time in my life? Or would I have the pristine hearing that I lost that day? Would my eyes actually have been normal? Would I have suffered the years of countless nightmares of that day?
I will never know.
Not just events in itself either, but people as well. What if I hadn't said that something to someone at one point? What if I never sent that letter? What if I had made an effort to keep in touch with that person? What if I had swallowed my pride and apologized...even when I was right...just to benefit the friendship? What if I had closed my ears and thoughts to the rumors, lies or truth? What if I had played a more active role in someones life? What if I had given someone the chance they deserved? What if I had acted on my true feelings, instead of pushing someone away? Would it have made any difference...for me or that person?
I will never know.
There are also chances I didn't take. What if I had gone somewhere...instead of vouching out? What if I had joined that club, that movement? What if I had gone on that trip? What if I had considered options instead of vehemently following one path? What if I had opened my mind a little more and taken up something new?
I will never know.
The biggest question I ask...and will always ask...
What if I didn't let my fear of failure get in the way?
I suppose I am satisfied with where I am heading. But I wish I could be heading somewhere with a lot more people alongside me. I feel like I have made fake friends who will drift out of my life and forget about me.
Am I really forgettable?
What if I had just been a little bolder, a little smarter, a little wiser....
It's not to say I regret where I am and where I'm going. I just wonder.
It's that stupid curiosity.
I wrote a poem about that...I had to write a Quatrain for a poetry unit in English...
I know two beasts that we all know
In many lives they tend to show
On is curiosity, the other desire
One is like water, the other like fire
Curiosity is unquenchable and free
It burns until you let it release
Desire is directable and tamed
You can choose your path and let it be named
So tell me if you think this is true
What desires really withhold you?
Perhaps it's not desire that you fight
But curiosity burning in its final plight.
I'm still burning. I just wish I knew the answers. I figure it will drive me crazy until the day my grave claims me. Oh my infernal head for being so contemplative. I wish I could shut off my brain and just live for the moment as I so actively preach. But the past made me who I am today...so how am I to forget it? I won't forget, and when I try to pick out the best pieces, those questions get dragged along.
All those times I didn't live for the moment, and are now part of my past, I just wonder...so incessantly wonder....What if?
*sighs*
Am I bitter? Oh yes, that I will admit. I'm a bitter person, I forgive but I don't forget. I have been worn down to the point where I don't want to give second chances anymore. What happened to me? Why can't I just go back to the days where I was carefree and full of life all the time.
Oh wait...that was when I was like...three.
I wander through my life with a pile of questions. And so many of those questions are "What if?"
Somewhere at the bottom of that pile is the age old question, of my accident.
What if...on Feb. 26th 1993 I had decided to stay inside? Would the same fate have befallen me at a later time in my life? Or would I have the pristine hearing that I lost that day? Would my eyes actually have been normal? Would I have suffered the years of countless nightmares of that day?
I will never know.
Not just events in itself either, but people as well. What if I hadn't said that something to someone at one point? What if I never sent that letter? What if I had made an effort to keep in touch with that person? What if I had swallowed my pride and apologized...even when I was right...just to benefit the friendship? What if I had closed my ears and thoughts to the rumors, lies or truth? What if I had played a more active role in someones life? What if I had given someone the chance they deserved? What if I had acted on my true feelings, instead of pushing someone away? Would it have made any difference...for me or that person?
I will never know.
There are also chances I didn't take. What if I had gone somewhere...instead of vouching out? What if I had joined that club, that movement? What if I had gone on that trip? What if I had considered options instead of vehemently following one path? What if I had opened my mind a little more and taken up something new?
I will never know.
The biggest question I ask...and will always ask...
What if I didn't let my fear of failure get in the way?
I suppose I am satisfied with where I am heading. But I wish I could be heading somewhere with a lot more people alongside me. I feel like I have made fake friends who will drift out of my life and forget about me.
Am I really forgettable?
What if I had just been a little bolder, a little smarter, a little wiser....
It's not to say I regret where I am and where I'm going. I just wonder.
It's that stupid curiosity.
I wrote a poem about that...I had to write a Quatrain for a poetry unit in English...
I know two beasts that we all know
In many lives they tend to show
On is curiosity, the other desire
One is like water, the other like fire
Curiosity is unquenchable and free
It burns until you let it release
Desire is directable and tamed
You can choose your path and let it be named
So tell me if you think this is true
What desires really withhold you?
Perhaps it's not desire that you fight
But curiosity burning in its final plight.
I'm still burning. I just wish I knew the answers. I figure it will drive me crazy until the day my grave claims me. Oh my infernal head for being so contemplative. I wish I could shut off my brain and just live for the moment as I so actively preach. But the past made me who I am today...so how am I to forget it? I won't forget, and when I try to pick out the best pieces, those questions get dragged along.
All those times I didn't live for the moment, and are now part of my past, I just wonder...so incessantly wonder....What if?