blah blah blah
today i decided to give myself the day off. i slept a lot of the day. woke up late, talked on the phone to the brain, took a shower, masturbated, took a shower again (yes it was that good) and took a nap. then woke up again at 4pm and realized i was so very hungry.
the brain was waiting for her flight to columbia when we were talking and we were talking about airport junkfood, so the only things i wanted to eat by that time were tcby and pizzahut. as far as i know tcby only exists in airports these days (and possibly malls in the midwest), but there is a pizzahut nearby. so i went and got pizza and soda, brought it home and watched the simpsons. that was the only time i left the house today, which makes me feel a little nutty.
i've been keeping my space heater on during the day, since i've been home and it makes everything absolutly womb-like. i think that contributes to the sleepyness and lethargy, but i cant usually bring myself to turn it off.
my bank account is still in the negative and that stresses my out. the guru decided to cash all of my checks at once and i sent in freelance money later than i expected because i kept forgetting to find a mailbox. and the banks were closed yesterday, since for whatever reason the day after jesus' birthday is a federal holiday now. seperation of church and state my ass. so it all should go through tomorrow but it still freaks me the fuck out.
yesterday i went out to the cafe and lady venus paid for everything, my cover, three drinks, which makes me uncomfortable. the guru keeps pressuring me to come in twice a week and let it go 'on credit' - as in i'll pay her when i get a job. that confuses me and makes me feel weird because it means she thinks i'm so fucked up that i need therapy twice a week, or she likes me so much that shes willing to do it for free, which is not something a therapist should do. she keeps lowering the session rate to ridiculously low amounts and last time i told her that it didnt matter if it was $5 or $85 because i didnt have either. she just says i should call if i cant come in, but usually calls me first to mkae sure i'm coming in. i skipped today and told her i'd be in on thursday.
i still havnt found out about that job. its entirely possible that they are away until after the first but i'd really like to know now. i might call tomorrow to see if that dude is in or still on vacation. i'm still not entirely sure i want the job, but i want A job so i can start moving ahead with my life in the new year. though between that job and the three hours of commuting each day i'm not so sure i would have a life anyway.
the cafe last night was packed, ive never been there on a monday - a hip hop night. i'm not sure how much of the crowd was queer, since it was mixed and i definitely saw some het love going on, but it was mostly 'people of color' (i hate that phrase lately, especially after richmackin's rant about how its essentially the same as 'colored people' but no one would really say that, but it was a pretty big mix of non-whitey-white-whites and i hate to make assumptions about ethnicity based on skin color). it was so good to see a dance floor packed with queers of a different color, since the bay area queers seem to be so segregated.
i was waiting for drinks with lady venus at the bar for a long time and the dude next to me kept checking me out. i was flirting with him and essentially trying to be faggy enough to get him to buy me a drink and he was flirting back. after about twenty minutes of flirtyness he leaned over and said 'your a girl arent you?' to which i replied, 'i'm anything you want me to be baby.' 'but you have girl parts right?' i said i was in between, but he wasnt all that up on transness - or maybe just transpoliteness - which makes me think he was from out of town. he kept saying things like 'i know how it is, i have friends like you' which is a phrase that bugs the shit out of me in any situation. he kept pushing the issue until eventully he decided that i was not what he was looking for, sounded really disappointed and wished me luck with my night.
it was flattering to get checked out and i dont think he was intentionally rude, but its just strange to me to find someone attractive one minute and then not find them attractive the next based on what 'parts' they might have. i guess thats just my inner bisexual coming out.
the brain was waiting for her flight to columbia when we were talking and we were talking about airport junkfood, so the only things i wanted to eat by that time were tcby and pizzahut. as far as i know tcby only exists in airports these days (and possibly malls in the midwest), but there is a pizzahut nearby. so i went and got pizza and soda, brought it home and watched the simpsons. that was the only time i left the house today, which makes me feel a little nutty.
i've been keeping my space heater on during the day, since i've been home and it makes everything absolutly womb-like. i think that contributes to the sleepyness and lethargy, but i cant usually bring myself to turn it off.
my bank account is still in the negative and that stresses my out. the guru decided to cash all of my checks at once and i sent in freelance money later than i expected because i kept forgetting to find a mailbox. and the banks were closed yesterday, since for whatever reason the day after jesus' birthday is a federal holiday now. seperation of church and state my ass. so it all should go through tomorrow but it still freaks me the fuck out.
yesterday i went out to the cafe and lady venus paid for everything, my cover, three drinks, which makes me uncomfortable. the guru keeps pressuring me to come in twice a week and let it go 'on credit' - as in i'll pay her when i get a job. that confuses me and makes me feel weird because it means she thinks i'm so fucked up that i need therapy twice a week, or she likes me so much that shes willing to do it for free, which is not something a therapist should do. she keeps lowering the session rate to ridiculously low amounts and last time i told her that it didnt matter if it was $5 or $85 because i didnt have either. she just says i should call if i cant come in, but usually calls me first to mkae sure i'm coming in. i skipped today and told her i'd be in on thursday.
i still havnt found out about that job. its entirely possible that they are away until after the first but i'd really like to know now. i might call tomorrow to see if that dude is in or still on vacation. i'm still not entirely sure i want the job, but i want A job so i can start moving ahead with my life in the new year. though between that job and the three hours of commuting each day i'm not so sure i would have a life anyway.
the cafe last night was packed, ive never been there on a monday - a hip hop night. i'm not sure how much of the crowd was queer, since it was mixed and i definitely saw some het love going on, but it was mostly 'people of color' (i hate that phrase lately, especially after richmackin's rant about how its essentially the same as 'colored people' but no one would really say that, but it was a pretty big mix of non-whitey-white-whites and i hate to make assumptions about ethnicity based on skin color). it was so good to see a dance floor packed with queers of a different color, since the bay area queers seem to be so segregated.
i was waiting for drinks with lady venus at the bar for a long time and the dude next to me kept checking me out. i was flirting with him and essentially trying to be faggy enough to get him to buy me a drink and he was flirting back. after about twenty minutes of flirtyness he leaned over and said 'your a girl arent you?' to which i replied, 'i'm anything you want me to be baby.' 'but you have girl parts right?' i said i was in between, but he wasnt all that up on transness - or maybe just transpoliteness - which makes me think he was from out of town. he kept saying things like 'i know how it is, i have friends like you' which is a phrase that bugs the shit out of me in any situation. he kept pushing the issue until eventully he decided that i was not what he was looking for, sounded really disappointed and wished me luck with my night.
it was flattering to get checked out and i dont think he was intentionally rude, but its just strange to me to find someone attractive one minute and then not find them attractive the next based on what 'parts' they might have. i guess thats just my inner bisexual coming out.