(no subject)
this was written by a guy (who happens to be gay) i met about a year ago and i really liked what he wrote so i've decided to post it, enjoy
ive started thinking.
love is so important to me.
the idea of needing only one person to complete me ... is so nice sounding.
and ... where is this journal entry going to stem from?
me thinking about prom.
and how i cant go. not with a girl because prom is suppose to be special. and not with a guy because i have neither the self confidence nor the poise to deal with four hours of stares and judgement.
ill just sit at home in the basement with pjs and a hoodie on watching sad chick flicks with a pint of moose tracks ice cream.
love is so simple in the movies.
boy meets girl.
boy falls in love with girl.
boy messes up.
girl forgives him.
happilyeveraftertheend.
its not like that in real life. or in my life, i guess.
ive fallen in love twice.
the first time became six of the most bitter sweet months of my life.
the second time, he didnt even know.
here's the thing.
everyone's addicted to something. im addicted to love. and it doesnt matter, really, who i fall in love with as long as i think about him first when i wake up, last when i go to bed and every minute in between.
love is mutual obsession that never ends.
love is wanting to know someone else better than you know yourself.
and whoever said love is easy, was wrong. because love is the hardest thing to feel for anyone and the only thing you cant defend yourself against.
i just wish that someday, that guy would walk in to kilwins and order a single scoop of kilwins tracks in a waffle cone.
and as i handed it over to him, id look into his eyes and finally realize that love at first sight does exist.
so id hum the tune to "swing swing" and he'd say, "all american rejects, nice choice"
and everything would unfold. our first date would be like weve known eachother for ten years. driving around the with sunroof open, the windowns down, some obscure band playing in the background and both of us screaming to it.
he'd be my best friend. he'd by my lover. my soulmate. my other half. my brother. my twin. my everything.
and i'd be ok with that. id be ok with dependence. and selfless devotion.
he'd be the kind of guy that would be ok with hangin around straight guys. he'd be the kind of guy that could love my friends like i do.
and he would understand me. he would read into me like i need to be read into. he'd know when i wanted to talk about it and when i didnt. he'd know when i needed to have fun and when i need to stay at home cuddling under a warm blankey with a flick.
he'd leave the messages that i dont need, but always want.
he be the first boy i could be me around. and he would love me for it.
i jus...am so tired of wanting and not having.
and...watching everyone else have.
and...this fight is something im not sure i have the strength for anymore.
tonight some random guy from farmington imed me.
do u kno what my first thought was?
"maybe he's the one"
turns out he's not. but thats what i do all the time.
i fall in love with a guy in the seconds between seeing him for the first time and shaking his hand.
then i realize that everything i fell in love with is a dream. and the boy i just met is probly chubby under that nice shirt.
or he probly likes rap instead of my music.
or he's obsessed with knowledge, when all i want is fun.
and when i do meet the guy of my dreams.
because i have.
it doesnt work out.
sorry.
^^ self deprication at its best ^^
night.