This is always a hard decision, and its one that I think any sane couple thinks about, since having people in our lives whether family, friends, coworkers, spouses is work.
Sometimes I get very frustrated that Zac doesn't put *us* "first". He means to, but he has his career and his self-care stuff (socializing, video-gaming, etc). Sometimes I get very frustrated with what I perceive as him not caring about me, not putting *us* first (similar complaints to you, dishes, money, attention, chores).
But then today I found out that I have to go get some medical tests done, on Wednesday at noon. He canceled all of his work meetings to take me in. He can canceled meetings once so he could hold my hand because I had to get some immunization shots. The times I've felt bad, and really told him, "baby, today I really need -----------," because I just can't, he does it. He is always there when its important, when it matters, so if I do his dishes a little more often, that is okay for me. Just like he accepts some losses to his ability to socialize because I'm a bit caustic, tired, can't eat at that restaurant.
Is Aaron there when it matters? Is he there enough that it balances out the fact that he can't remember that when things run out he should get more? Does he take care of you in the ways that you don't (you remember that you both need food, he remembers that you need to sleep, etc)?
It always seems to me that the best relationships are about balance, two people whose flaws compliment each other, without being co-dependent. Zac can feed himself, but he won't do it by going to the grocery store, so if I don't buy groceries, we won't have them (although he'll pay for dinner if we have no food). The four time a year he does remember to buy groceries, he always spends an hour or two cleaning out the fridge.
I can take care of my health, but he helps me a lot by catching signs and symptoms before I do. He monitors my allergen intake better then me sometimes, but can't always remember to put the seat down.
Is Aaron not prioritizing your marriage over football/whatever, or is he putting on his own oxygen mask first (self-care), so that he can help you put on yours? I guess I'm coming to believe that to have a good relationship, first I need to have a good me, only then can I focus on *us* without overextending myself.
I don't get the feeling he's "self-care"-ing, more that he's just selfish.
He asked me ONE TIME to make sure to close the bathroom cabinet door because he was banging his head on it (he's much taller than I). Every morning, I make sure before I leave the bathroom that it is closed.
I reminded him of that the other night. He conceded that it's true - that those things just go out of his head.
It's one of those things that I am just frustrated about right now. It's not really something that's divorce worthy LOL
I just have a different perspective I think on some of the house frustration issues, as I have spent the last decade always living with people, usually people that I am not dating (although now I'm living both with other people and someone I'm dating).
And the phrases you had in your original post, I see those as problems associated with living with people I think more then marriage. I have these feelings about Zac, about my roommates (why can't they use the damn dishwasher, why do I *have* to take the trash out every week, when they can't even remember that they shouldn't park in the trash spot, they always use of the milk and never replace it, etc). I've learned to leave the dishes if I will be angry if I do them, everyone in the house would rather have dishes in the sink then an angry roommate. The last time we talked as a house I said I wasn't going to take the trash out, even if I thought of it, because I didn't feel like just because i could remember that I had to add a chore. The trash piled up one week, and then they started remembering.
Sometimes I clean up after them, sometimes they clean up after me. They deal with the fact that I'm bitchy when I come home from work, and I just buy 8 gallons of milk when I go to the store. I felt like Zac didn't pay enough attention to me, so we have a date night where he does, and its reasonably non-negotiable, but then if he wants to play video games on Saturday that's fine, my needs are mostly met already.
I also really recommend NVC (nonviolent communication) for situations like this. NVC is based on the idea that people may have trouble communicating the need behind a request, which may make it harder for someone to fulfill that need. NVC is also based on the assumption that most people want the people around them to be happy (which I think is true), but that either our requests don't match our needs (because we make jumps in our heads between needs and actions that may not be the right jumps) and that our method of requesting is less an invitation (which makes most people want to help) and a demand (which shuts most people down).
It sounds kinda hokey, but I think its great for these types of frustrations, since it can be easier to communicate across genders and/or people with really different needs. The basic format is you express a measurable objective fact; how you feel about it; what you need (should be simple, and really the need behind your request); and a request for how to fulfill or partially fulfill your need.
"Aaron, I have seen dirty dishes in the sink every day that I come home this week, and I feel claustrophobic in a messy house. I have a need for cleanliness in my surroundings. Could you help me fulfill my need for a clean space by rinsing your dishes/washing your dishes/putting your dishes in the dishwasher within an hour/a day/immediately after using them." (You of course also have to commit to doing this).
Now Aaron might respond with: "I would like to fulfill your need for cleanliness, but I have a need to sit after dinner because otherwise I get acid reflux. Is there another way to fulfill your need?"
The good thing is now you can have a dialogue about solving the problem; whether by eating out, using biodegradable plates for both of you (or for Aaron), setting aside time right before bed and after the game is over to clean, or whatever. Usually when I use this method, while it can take a while to churn through everyone's needs, you can get a solution that works pretty well, because you've transferred the discussion away from who is doing what wrong, to how everyone can have their needs fulfilled. Generally you can usually find a point where everyone's main needs are fulled, and usually you can find a solution where everyone's needs are totally filled.
Sometimes I get very frustrated that Zac doesn't put *us* "first". He means to, but he has his career and his self-care stuff (socializing, video-gaming, etc). Sometimes I get very frustrated with what I perceive as him not caring about me, not putting *us* first (similar complaints to you, dishes, money, attention, chores).
But then today I found out that I have to go get some medical tests done, on Wednesday at noon. He canceled all of his work meetings to take me in. He can canceled meetings once so he could hold my hand because I had to get some immunization shots. The times I've felt bad, and really told him, "baby, today I really need -----------," because I just can't, he does it. He is always there when its important, when it matters, so if I do his dishes a little more often, that is okay for me. Just like he accepts some losses to his ability to socialize because I'm a bit caustic, tired, can't eat at that restaurant.
Is Aaron there when it matters? Is he there enough that it balances out the fact that he can't remember that when things run out he should get more? Does he take care of you in the ways that you don't (you remember that you both need food, he remembers that you need to sleep, etc)?
It always seems to me that the best relationships are about balance, two people whose flaws compliment each other, without being co-dependent. Zac can feed himself, but he won't do it by going to the grocery store, so if I don't buy groceries, we won't have them (although he'll pay for dinner if we have no food). The four time a year he does remember to buy groceries, he always spends an hour or two cleaning out the fridge.
I can take care of my health, but he helps me a lot by catching signs and symptoms before I do. He monitors my allergen intake better then me sometimes, but can't always remember to put the seat down.
Is Aaron not prioritizing your marriage over football/whatever, or is he putting on his own oxygen mask first (self-care), so that he can help you put on yours? I guess I'm coming to believe that to have a good relationship, first I need to have a good me, only then can I focus on *us* without overextending myself.
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He asked me ONE TIME to make sure to close the bathroom cabinet door because he was banging his head on it (he's much taller than I). Every morning, I make sure before I leave the bathroom that it is closed.
I reminded him of that the other night. He conceded that it's true - that those things just go out of his head.
It's one of those things that I am just frustrated about right now. It's not really something that's divorce worthy LOL
Reply
And the phrases you had in your original post, I see those as problems associated with living with people I think more then marriage. I have these feelings about Zac, about my roommates (why can't they use the damn dishwasher, why do I *have* to take the trash out every week, when they can't even remember that they shouldn't park in the trash spot, they always use of the milk and never replace it, etc). I've learned to leave the dishes if I will be angry if I do them, everyone in the house would rather have dishes in the sink then an angry roommate. The last time we talked as a house I said I wasn't going to take the trash out, even if I thought of it, because I didn't feel like just because i could remember that I had to add a chore. The trash piled up one week, and then they started remembering.
Sometimes I clean up after them, sometimes they clean up after me. They deal with the fact that I'm bitchy when I come home from work, and I just buy 8 gallons of milk when I go to the store. I felt like Zac didn't pay enough attention to me, so we have a date night where he does, and its reasonably non-negotiable, but then if he wants to play video games on Saturday that's fine, my needs are mostly met already.
Reply
It sounds kinda hokey, but I think its great for these types of frustrations, since it can be easier to communicate across genders and/or people with really different needs. The basic format is you express a measurable objective fact; how you feel about it; what you need (should be simple, and really the need behind your request); and a request for how to fulfill or partially fulfill your need.
"Aaron, I have seen dirty dishes in the sink every day that I come home this week, and I feel claustrophobic in a messy house. I have a need for cleanliness in my surroundings. Could you help me fulfill my need for a clean space by rinsing your dishes/washing your dishes/putting your dishes in the dishwasher within an hour/a day/immediately after using them." (You of course also have to commit to doing this).
Now Aaron might respond with: "I would like to fulfill your need for cleanliness, but I have a need to sit after dinner because otherwise I get acid reflux. Is there another way to fulfill your need?"
The good thing is now you can have a dialogue about solving the problem; whether by eating out, using biodegradable plates for both of you (or for Aaron), setting aside time right before bed and after the game is over to clean, or whatever. Usually when I use this method, while it can take a while to churn through everyone's needs, you can get a solution that works pretty well, because you've transferred the discussion away from who is doing what wrong, to how everyone can have their needs fulfilled. Generally you can usually find a point where everyone's main needs are fulled, and usually you can find a solution where everyone's needs are totally filled.
Reply
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