the thinker...orrrrr the stinker
"It's hard to be around you because of this silent awkwardness that we have come to drape ourselves in. It's harder to watch you hit on other girls when my feelings have not yet completely drown. But it's murder to know that I'm nothing in your eyes, and that the thought of speaking a word more than "hey" isn't a question in your mind, and that the closest we will ever be is a memory. This morning I woke up with no breath in me and no intent on carrying on so unhappy. I gave in. I came to realize something ... I'm getting over you. You are the opposite of everything that I need. Sleep hasn't been coming as easily for me in the past few weeks as it normally does. I lie awake and think about everything happening in my life. The computer is still on most of the time -- the monitor's inescapable brightness at the perfect luminance to pass out by. And sometimes, just sometimes, I stare at the dark ceiling and struggle to think of reasons why I still care about even being an afterthought to you. For that, there is no answer. But the feelings are fading quickly.I'll miss you. And I'll never forget how you held me and looked in my eyes that afternoon. How you gave me hope and, for a few days, made me feel invincible. I apologize if I wasn't cute enough, or funny enough, or cared too much. But this is me saying goodbye; and, I'll miss you."- Lauren Lavelle, my hero.
This basically sums uo everything i try to tell people about my feelings for max, and it's everything i have said and want to say directly to him. only lauren put it in AMAZING words, and has made me realize i dont need him in anyway. and if he cares like he says he does, he will come around. i will not get caught up anymore, I am done.
So I am definitely the thinker in this situation. last night got me all riled up about things, kinda threw me for a loop. we went over to steven's after i got off work. i saw his new girl and it just didnt feel right. i mean it was weird not being in his arms at his house, and not kissing him good bye when i left, or not kissing him when i followed him up to his room to get my favorite shirt that he has finally given to me. i have wanted that shirt for so long, and now that i have a piece of him....a piece of us back, i dont know how i feel. i miss him deeply. but i miss more than just him. i miss his house, his dad, his sister and his dog and cat even, but most of all i miss what we shared and who we were together. I am happy for him though. he has found a new girl that he likes and he has moved on (i think). deep down i dont want him to move on because deep down i havent either. hmm i am so mixed up, so confused. i dont know where to go from here. should i return to my past or move forward from here. i guess this is the question of the day, but ultimately i decided that i WILL be spending more time over there.
That's just a portion of my night though. it was just an interesting night in general. my parents decided that they arent gonna trust me anymore or something because now they decided they want full details down to home phone number and adresses of people's houses i will be going to..... that wasnt very pretty. we got into a big argument about it and things still arent the same, my mom wouldnt even tell me she loved me when she left for my sisters game....that never happens.....after that the girls and i were driving around and decided we wanted to ding dong ditch someone but it was early and no one was home so we were driving and saw that all of rachels lights were on and that jen bartletts car was in the driveway so we were like what the hell. its not that we dont like her or even have anything against her we were doing it all in good spirits amd she flipped her lid. oh well. she will get over it and if she doesnt thats her deal because i let her know that it wasnt a big deal. then we just went and spent the night at kristy's house.....stayed up til like 4 went to sleep. i got bitched at by the rents so i had to go home early. went back to bed got ready and came to work. katherine came though and brought me a pumpkin spice late and talked to me. that made me real happy til she had to go. we ALMOST got in trouble, but we didnt.
well. i have only an hour left, i might as well finish strong. any advice, let me know. otherwise i'll figure something out. thanks for everything FRIENDS!
meeeeeee
This basically sums uo everything i try to tell people about my feelings for max, and it's everything i have said and want to say directly to him. only lauren put it in AMAZING words, and has made me realize i dont need him in anyway. and if he cares like he says he does, he will come around. i will not get caught up anymore, I am done.
So I am definitely the thinker in this situation. last night got me all riled up about things, kinda threw me for a loop. we went over to steven's after i got off work. i saw his new girl and it just didnt feel right. i mean it was weird not being in his arms at his house, and not kissing him good bye when i left, or not kissing him when i followed him up to his room to get my favorite shirt that he has finally given to me. i have wanted that shirt for so long, and now that i have a piece of him....a piece of us back, i dont know how i feel. i miss him deeply. but i miss more than just him. i miss his house, his dad, his sister and his dog and cat even, but most of all i miss what we shared and who we were together. I am happy for him though. he has found a new girl that he likes and he has moved on (i think). deep down i dont want him to move on because deep down i havent either. hmm i am so mixed up, so confused. i dont know where to go from here. should i return to my past or move forward from here. i guess this is the question of the day, but ultimately i decided that i WILL be spending more time over there.
That's just a portion of my night though. it was just an interesting night in general. my parents decided that they arent gonna trust me anymore or something because now they decided they want full details down to home phone number and adresses of people's houses i will be going to..... that wasnt very pretty. we got into a big argument about it and things still arent the same, my mom wouldnt even tell me she loved me when she left for my sisters game....that never happens.....after that the girls and i were driving around and decided we wanted to ding dong ditch someone but it was early and no one was home so we were driving and saw that all of rachels lights were on and that jen bartletts car was in the driveway so we were like what the hell. its not that we dont like her or even have anything against her we were doing it all in good spirits amd she flipped her lid. oh well. she will get over it and if she doesnt thats her deal because i let her know that it wasnt a big deal. then we just went and spent the night at kristy's house.....stayed up til like 4 went to sleep. i got bitched at by the rents so i had to go home early. went back to bed got ready and came to work. katherine came though and brought me a pumpkin spice late and talked to me. that made me real happy til she had to go. we ALMOST got in trouble, but we didnt.
well. i have only an hour left, i might as well finish strong. any advice, let me know. otherwise i'll figure something out. thanks for everything FRIENDS!
meeeeeee