"Time Is On Our Side" Chapter 2: "Better Man"
Title: “Time Is On Our Side”
Subtitle: Chapter 2: "Better Man"
Author: Melinda
Rating: PG 13ish-R (later)
Summary: What should have happened after the Season 2 Christmas episode…totally MerDer
Chapter 2: Better Man
“Your coffee.”
“Thank you,” Meredith smiled as she took the coffee Derek had extended out to her before sitting down beside her on a bench that overlooked the water. It was the same bench they sat on the first time they’d come to this spot, their spot and their bench. Despite the cold air chilling their bones and the wetness that filled their chests whenever they took a breath everything felt…perfect. “It’s so beautiful here.”
“Yeah,” Derek agreed as he gazed out over the sparkling water, each soft wave catching one ray of the rising sun and shining with a remarkable brightness. Bringing his coffee to his lips he took a long sip before lowering the Styrofoam cup and looking down at Doc who was resting beneath the bench his owner occupied.
“What did Addison think of this place when you showed her?” Meredith inquired softly as she took another sip of her coffee, warming her hands on the cup when she lowered her back to her lap.
“I never have,” Derek replied gently. “This isn’t the place for her, she would never understand.”
“Probably not,” Meredith agreed quietly. “I love coming here, I love to see all of Seattle waking up it’s so peaceful. There’s only one other place that is like this, only one other place where I’ve felt this calm at the start of a day.”
“What place?”
“Your land,” Meredith answered with a sigh. “On mornings when we would just sit on the deck and watch the sun come up, it took my breath away.”
“I remember,” Derek smiled lightly. “It took mine away, too.”
“I’m an intern, I think we all forget just what we miss when we’re rushing through the day,” Meredith declared. “I think I was missing it, too, until you showed me just what was happening around me while I held onto those few extra minutes of sleep.”
“The world wakes up in stages,” Derek announced. “I think we humans are the last ones to rise and we miss a lot. Seeing the dew slowly evaporate from the grass, the birds start to search for food…”
“The smell,” Meredith interrupted. “The smell of a new day, a new start, like the day before didn’t even matter. I can sit here and forget about everything that kept me up the night before, forget about the patients, the surgeries, forget about having to go to work and watch you with her…”
“Meredith…”
“It hurts me, Derek,” she confessed softly. “It hurts me because I’m jealous, because I want you, because I had you and lost you.”
“It hurts me, too,” Derek whispered.
“How can it hurt you when you have her and I have nothing, nobody?”
“Because I don’t want her,” Derek admitted as he set a hand on the Meredith’s jean clad thigh and stoked gentle circles into the material with the pad of his thumb. “I don’t want her and I’ve been trying so hard to want her, because it’s what it is right, but it hurts more everyday because what I want…is you.”
“Don’t say that,” Meredith pleaded.
“Why not?”
“Because…”
“It’s the truth, Meredith.”
“But it won’t keep you from going back to her, will it?” Meredith challenged as she finally looked at him, her eyes burning into his as the tips of her fingers fiddled with the plastic lid over her coffee. “You could want me so much that it could literally be killing you but it wouldn’t change anything because…because what’s right is your wife.”
“I don’t believe that anymore,” Derek whispered, flinching when Meredith’s hand fell to his and forced it away. She stood, reaching down and grabbing Doc’s leash, before walking over to the metal railing that outlined the viewing platform they occupied. “I don’t believe it, Meredith,” he repeated as he followed.
“I told you I loved you,” she reminded. “I told you that and I begged you, I begged, Derek…and you picked her.”
“I know.”
“And she’s beautiful and smart and not in emotional shambles…she’s everything I’m not and I get it, I get why you picked her, because compared to her…”
“You are everything,” Derek interjected softly as he reached out and stroked the side of her face, the touch forcing her to look in his direction. “Compared to her…you’re everything…”
“Then why didn’t you pick me?”
“I don’t know.”
“What do you know?”
“That I’ve spent the last three months going crazy inside,” Derek replied gently. “I can’t pretend that seeing you in the hall doesn’t make me want to touch you, I…I can’t stop thinking about us, about you…in my life, my arms, and when I go home at night I want you to be with me not…not her.”
“We were so close,” Meredith sighed. “I think about us and I think we were close to having everything I never thought I deserved. The time I spent with you, the time when I stopped running in the opposite direction and let you in, I’ve never felt anything like that.”
“Neither have I,” Derek agreed. “That day, that day you told me you loved me, I should have said so many things, I should have said…”
“Don’t, please.”
“That I loved you, too.”
“Derek…”
“Because it’s the truth,” Derek continued. “I should have said it because it was the truth, it’s still the truth, it’s been the truth since the minute I saw you. I should have told you, I should have picked you. I should have given you everything.”
“It’s too late now,” Meredith whispered as she shook her head back and forth. “You have Addison, I…she’s your wife, I can’t…”
“It’s not too late,” Derek argued, cupping Meredith’s face in his hands when she began to speak. “It’s not too late to tell you that I love you, it can’t be too late for that because I love you, Meredith, I love you and I can’t keep living like I don’t, it’s killing me.”
“You shouldn’t love me,” Meredith announced.
“Why not?”
“Because I’ll poison you,” she choked out. “You’re…McDreamy, Derek. You plunged down into my life and tried so hard to sift through all my issues. I have so many issues, the time I was with you…you didn’t even make it through the surface of everything that has built up inside of me. I have a Father that I don’t know and a Mother who, despite raising me, doesn’t know me and never will. My life is poison, I know it because it’s poisoned me, and you…your life is perfect. Your life is like Addison’s life, privileged and happy, even. If you love me, I’ll poison you, I’ll ruin you.”
“You won’t ruin me.”
“Yes, I will.”
“No,” Derek shook his head back and forth as he held Meredith’s head steady, forcing her to look into his eyes. “You can’t ruined what you saved and you saved me.”
“Derek…”
“My Dad died when I was fifteen years old and I don’t what happened to me after,” Derek admitted gently. “I…my sister’s were wrecks, my Mom was a mess, I remember all of that, but I don’t what happened to me. I didn’t cry, I wasn’t angry…I just watched everyone else fall apart and I don’t think I realized what kind of damage had been done until…until you…”
“See?” Meredith sniffled. “I…brought it all to the forefront, I…”
“I went numb,” Derek pressed on. “I went numb and assumed this exterior of the well adjusted kid who’s Dad was dead and I let it define me. I let it define me because others defined me that way. My Mom, my sisters, Mark…Mark was my best friend and he thought I was okay, so I thought I was okay. Throughout the rest of high school, college, medical school…I thought was okay. I met Addison and I was still that guy, I still thought I’d dealt with it all. I turned into this person I hardly recognized and one day, nine years after I married her, I woke up and looked around…I didn’t even know who the hell I was, what I’d become. My life was social events, fancy clothes, and surgeries for the sake of getting published. I suffered until I caught Addison with Mark, that was my out and I ran, I ran and then I went to Joe’s and saw you…and everything that had been missing since I was fifteen fell into place.”
“You didn’t even know who I was.”
“I knew you were just like me,” Derek commented. “I never got to really know my Dad and I knew, just looking at you, that you’d…lost too. I don’t know how I knew, but I knew and I felt…free. I told you, when Addison first showed up, I told you that I was drowning and that you saved me. I was drowning, Meredith…you made it okay to be a little maladjusted, you made it okay to have issues. It was never okay with anyone else before you, you saved me. You made me better and now you’re the only reason I…you’re the only reason I keep trying to be who you helped me find.”
She swallowed the lump of emotion that had built up in that back of her throat as she stared into his face. She knew he’d had a story, a long one, but never had she imagined it would be so much like her own. They were similar in a way that she’d never thought they would be and, now, she wanted to understand more…more of why Derek was the he way he was. She had to feel what he felt, she had to…she didn’t have a choice
“You never really knew your Dad?” she inquired quietly, the words barely escaping through the uneven breaths she was taking. He shook his head back and forth as he swallowed before mumbled his response.
“No, I didn’t.”
“I never really got to know my Mom before…” Meredith choked out as she brought her hands to her face and wiped away the tears that clouded her vision. “And now it’s too late and I’ll never know her, she’ll never know me.”
“I know you,” Derek whispered as he took a step closer, his hands still on her face as she leaned against his chest. “I know you and I want to make up for everything that I didn’t do, or say, before. I want to kiss you and touch you, I never want to stop touching…” he muttered as his hands left her face and found her arms, his palms pressing against the sweater she wore and moving up the length of them.
“We’re the same?” Meredith inquired quietly as she tilted her head back and looked up into his eyes. “Your Dad is gone…so is my Mom.”
“We’re the same,” he agreed lightly.
“What…what did he die of?” she questioned softly as she rested her hands on his chest, her fingers playing with the material of his jacket.
“A brain aneurysm,” he answered, shrugging his shoulders when Meredith’s eyes softened with a mixture of pain and realization.
“That’s why you chose Neuro…”
“By the time they got him on the table…he was gone,” Derek recalled quietly. “Everyone assumed I chose Neuro because I was a hotshot, I…I just wanted to keep another fifteen year old from losing his Dad…I…”
“We’re the same,” Meredith repeated her voice no louder then a whisper.
“I…God, I love you,” Derek sighed as her hands found his face and her nose pressed against his. He allowed his hands to cup the back of her head, holding her steady against him as he inhaled her scent. The scent of the only woman, the only person, who could ever understand why he was the way he was…the only woman who could ever feel what he did. “I was wrong before, I chose wrong before, I’m sorry…I…”
“Shh,” she whispered, her eyes falling closed as his forehead rested against hers.
“Meredith…” he breathed her name as one hand fell to her neck and he stroked the skin lovingly.
“I love you, Derek,” she interjected gently as her eyes fluttered open, a soft smile spreading across her lips as the words passed through them. “I love you.”
You are all that I need
For you, I give my soul to keep
You see me, love me
Just the way I am
For you I am a better man
I said you are the reason
For everything that I do
I'd be lost, so lost, without you
Song Credit:"Better Man" by James Morrison
Previous Chapters
Chapter 1
Subtitle: Chapter 2: "Better Man"
Author: Melinda
Rating: PG 13ish-R (later)
Summary: What should have happened after the Season 2 Christmas episode…totally MerDer
Chapter 2: Better Man
“Your coffee.”
“Thank you,” Meredith smiled as she took the coffee Derek had extended out to her before sitting down beside her on a bench that overlooked the water. It was the same bench they sat on the first time they’d come to this spot, their spot and their bench. Despite the cold air chilling their bones and the wetness that filled their chests whenever they took a breath everything felt…perfect. “It’s so beautiful here.”
“Yeah,” Derek agreed as he gazed out over the sparkling water, each soft wave catching one ray of the rising sun and shining with a remarkable brightness. Bringing his coffee to his lips he took a long sip before lowering the Styrofoam cup and looking down at Doc who was resting beneath the bench his owner occupied.
“What did Addison think of this place when you showed her?” Meredith inquired softly as she took another sip of her coffee, warming her hands on the cup when she lowered her back to her lap.
“I never have,” Derek replied gently. “This isn’t the place for her, she would never understand.”
“Probably not,” Meredith agreed quietly. “I love coming here, I love to see all of Seattle waking up it’s so peaceful. There’s only one other place that is like this, only one other place where I’ve felt this calm at the start of a day.”
“What place?”
“Your land,” Meredith answered with a sigh. “On mornings when we would just sit on the deck and watch the sun come up, it took my breath away.”
“I remember,” Derek smiled lightly. “It took mine away, too.”
“I’m an intern, I think we all forget just what we miss when we’re rushing through the day,” Meredith declared. “I think I was missing it, too, until you showed me just what was happening around me while I held onto those few extra minutes of sleep.”
“The world wakes up in stages,” Derek announced. “I think we humans are the last ones to rise and we miss a lot. Seeing the dew slowly evaporate from the grass, the birds start to search for food…”
“The smell,” Meredith interrupted. “The smell of a new day, a new start, like the day before didn’t even matter. I can sit here and forget about everything that kept me up the night before, forget about the patients, the surgeries, forget about having to go to work and watch you with her…”
“Meredith…”
“It hurts me, Derek,” she confessed softly. “It hurts me because I’m jealous, because I want you, because I had you and lost you.”
“It hurts me, too,” Derek whispered.
“How can it hurt you when you have her and I have nothing, nobody?”
“Because I don’t want her,” Derek admitted as he set a hand on the Meredith’s jean clad thigh and stoked gentle circles into the material with the pad of his thumb. “I don’t want her and I’ve been trying so hard to want her, because it’s what it is right, but it hurts more everyday because what I want…is you.”
“Don’t say that,” Meredith pleaded.
“Why not?”
“Because…”
“It’s the truth, Meredith.”
“But it won’t keep you from going back to her, will it?” Meredith challenged as she finally looked at him, her eyes burning into his as the tips of her fingers fiddled with the plastic lid over her coffee. “You could want me so much that it could literally be killing you but it wouldn’t change anything because…because what’s right is your wife.”
“I don’t believe that anymore,” Derek whispered, flinching when Meredith’s hand fell to his and forced it away. She stood, reaching down and grabbing Doc’s leash, before walking over to the metal railing that outlined the viewing platform they occupied. “I don’t believe it, Meredith,” he repeated as he followed.
“I told you I loved you,” she reminded. “I told you that and I begged you, I begged, Derek…and you picked her.”
“I know.”
“And she’s beautiful and smart and not in emotional shambles…she’s everything I’m not and I get it, I get why you picked her, because compared to her…”
“You are everything,” Derek interjected softly as he reached out and stroked the side of her face, the touch forcing her to look in his direction. “Compared to her…you’re everything…”
“Then why didn’t you pick me?”
“I don’t know.”
“What do you know?”
“That I’ve spent the last three months going crazy inside,” Derek replied gently. “I can’t pretend that seeing you in the hall doesn’t make me want to touch you, I…I can’t stop thinking about us, about you…in my life, my arms, and when I go home at night I want you to be with me not…not her.”
“We were so close,” Meredith sighed. “I think about us and I think we were close to having everything I never thought I deserved. The time I spent with you, the time when I stopped running in the opposite direction and let you in, I’ve never felt anything like that.”
“Neither have I,” Derek agreed. “That day, that day you told me you loved me, I should have said so many things, I should have said…”
“Don’t, please.”
“That I loved you, too.”
“Derek…”
“Because it’s the truth,” Derek continued. “I should have said it because it was the truth, it’s still the truth, it’s been the truth since the minute I saw you. I should have told you, I should have picked you. I should have given you everything.”
“It’s too late now,” Meredith whispered as she shook her head back and forth. “You have Addison, I…she’s your wife, I can’t…”
“It’s not too late,” Derek argued, cupping Meredith’s face in his hands when she began to speak. “It’s not too late to tell you that I love you, it can’t be too late for that because I love you, Meredith, I love you and I can’t keep living like I don’t, it’s killing me.”
“You shouldn’t love me,” Meredith announced.
“Why not?”
“Because I’ll poison you,” she choked out. “You’re…McDreamy, Derek. You plunged down into my life and tried so hard to sift through all my issues. I have so many issues, the time I was with you…you didn’t even make it through the surface of everything that has built up inside of me. I have a Father that I don’t know and a Mother who, despite raising me, doesn’t know me and never will. My life is poison, I know it because it’s poisoned me, and you…your life is perfect. Your life is like Addison’s life, privileged and happy, even. If you love me, I’ll poison you, I’ll ruin you.”
“You won’t ruin me.”
“Yes, I will.”
“No,” Derek shook his head back and forth as he held Meredith’s head steady, forcing her to look into his eyes. “You can’t ruined what you saved and you saved me.”
“Derek…”
“My Dad died when I was fifteen years old and I don’t what happened to me after,” Derek admitted gently. “I…my sister’s were wrecks, my Mom was a mess, I remember all of that, but I don’t what happened to me. I didn’t cry, I wasn’t angry…I just watched everyone else fall apart and I don’t think I realized what kind of damage had been done until…until you…”
“See?” Meredith sniffled. “I…brought it all to the forefront, I…”
“I went numb,” Derek pressed on. “I went numb and assumed this exterior of the well adjusted kid who’s Dad was dead and I let it define me. I let it define me because others defined me that way. My Mom, my sisters, Mark…Mark was my best friend and he thought I was okay, so I thought I was okay. Throughout the rest of high school, college, medical school…I thought was okay. I met Addison and I was still that guy, I still thought I’d dealt with it all. I turned into this person I hardly recognized and one day, nine years after I married her, I woke up and looked around…I didn’t even know who the hell I was, what I’d become. My life was social events, fancy clothes, and surgeries for the sake of getting published. I suffered until I caught Addison with Mark, that was my out and I ran, I ran and then I went to Joe’s and saw you…and everything that had been missing since I was fifteen fell into place.”
“You didn’t even know who I was.”
“I knew you were just like me,” Derek commented. “I never got to really know my Dad and I knew, just looking at you, that you’d…lost too. I don’t know how I knew, but I knew and I felt…free. I told you, when Addison first showed up, I told you that I was drowning and that you saved me. I was drowning, Meredith…you made it okay to be a little maladjusted, you made it okay to have issues. It was never okay with anyone else before you, you saved me. You made me better and now you’re the only reason I…you’re the only reason I keep trying to be who you helped me find.”
She swallowed the lump of emotion that had built up in that back of her throat as she stared into his face. She knew he’d had a story, a long one, but never had she imagined it would be so much like her own. They were similar in a way that she’d never thought they would be and, now, she wanted to understand more…more of why Derek was the he way he was. She had to feel what he felt, she had to…she didn’t have a choice
“You never really knew your Dad?” she inquired quietly, the words barely escaping through the uneven breaths she was taking. He shook his head back and forth as he swallowed before mumbled his response.
“No, I didn’t.”
“I never really got to know my Mom before…” Meredith choked out as she brought her hands to her face and wiped away the tears that clouded her vision. “And now it’s too late and I’ll never know her, she’ll never know me.”
“I know you,” Derek whispered as he took a step closer, his hands still on her face as she leaned against his chest. “I know you and I want to make up for everything that I didn’t do, or say, before. I want to kiss you and touch you, I never want to stop touching…” he muttered as his hands left her face and found her arms, his palms pressing against the sweater she wore and moving up the length of them.
“We’re the same?” Meredith inquired quietly as she tilted her head back and looked up into his eyes. “Your Dad is gone…so is my Mom.”
“We’re the same,” he agreed lightly.
“What…what did he die of?” she questioned softly as she rested her hands on his chest, her fingers playing with the material of his jacket.
“A brain aneurysm,” he answered, shrugging his shoulders when Meredith’s eyes softened with a mixture of pain and realization.
“That’s why you chose Neuro…”
“By the time they got him on the table…he was gone,” Derek recalled quietly. “Everyone assumed I chose Neuro because I was a hotshot, I…I just wanted to keep another fifteen year old from losing his Dad…I…”
“We’re the same,” Meredith repeated her voice no louder then a whisper.
“I…God, I love you,” Derek sighed as her hands found his face and her nose pressed against his. He allowed his hands to cup the back of her head, holding her steady against him as he inhaled her scent. The scent of the only woman, the only person, who could ever understand why he was the way he was…the only woman who could ever feel what he did. “I was wrong before, I chose wrong before, I’m sorry…I…”
“Shh,” she whispered, her eyes falling closed as his forehead rested against hers.
“Meredith…” he breathed her name as one hand fell to her neck and he stroked the skin lovingly.
“I love you, Derek,” she interjected gently as her eyes fluttered open, a soft smile spreading across her lips as the words passed through them. “I love you.”
You are all that I need
For you, I give my soul to keep
You see me, love me
Just the way I am
For you I am a better man
I said you are the reason
For everything that I do
I'd be lost, so lost, without you
Song Credit:"Better Man" by James Morrison
Previous Chapters
Chapter 1