In Venere Veritas (2/4)
Arizona’s POV
I shut the door behind me with a definitive snap. It had been a long night. Derek’s party had gone on long past midnight and I had to be up early for my shift in the morning. I decide to skip a shower, as I drag myself to the bedroom and throw on some sweats and ratty, old t-shirt. I turn of the lights and slip beneath the cool sheets, feeling my weary bones sigh in appreciation. I roll over to my side and wait for sleep to overcome me.
Lying in the calm silence, I allow my mind to wander freely. Derek’s party had been quite successful. I’d had fun, for the most part, until I found myself locked in a gaze with Calliope. We just stared at each other for a few moments before I was able to tear my eyes away and resume the conversation I was in the middle of, however, I was no longer interested in what was being said. My mind remained focused on Calliope. She had looked beautiful, wrapped in a form fitting black and white dress that hugged her curves perfectly. I found it difficult to concentrate on much else for the rest of the evening.
I miss her. I miss everything about her. I know I put on a brave face in the wake of our break up, but, inside, I’m hurting more than I’ll ever allow anyone to see. She’s everything I want, but I can’t have her. I can’t give her what she wants, and I won’t be the one to keep her from her dreams. Someone had to be the one to say when.
I lay in bed a while longer before glancing at the clock. 3am. Deciding that my efforts are futile, I drag myself out of bed and make my way to the kitchen for a glass of water, or whatever is in the fridge. I pass my piano on the way and stop for a second. The modest instrument had been my therapist for much of the past few weeks. I continue on my way to the kitchen and pour myself some water before bringing it back to the piano with me. I set the glass on top of the dark wood and pull the small bench out to sit down upon.
I run my fingers over the line of keys. It’s become a sort of ritual I perform each time before I pour my heart out onto the delicate ivory. I close my eyes for a moment, relieving the past few weeks, particularly tonight. I know I’ve tried to convince myself that I have moved on, but it’s a lie. I can’t even bring myself to take off the necklace Calliope had given me on Valentine’s Day. It’s all I have left of her, and I just know that if I take it off, I’m going to spiral out of control. I’m barely hanging on as it is, but nobody knows that. I won’t let them.
I rip myself from my thoughts, crashing back into the present where I’m alone at my piano, alone in my apartment. I’m alone. I don’t want to be alone. I want Calliope here, to hold and be held. I sigh heavily, knowing that I’m never really going to be able to move on. I’ll be stuck in time forever, pining for everything that I would give anything for. I’d give anything, everything, for her.
I sit in contemplation for a moment longer, finally settling on a song. I just learned it recently and find myself enthralled with it, absentmindedly plucking it out whenever I find myself in my now usual spot at the piano. I straighten my posture, cross my ankles, and allow the melody to take hold, guiding my fingers across the keys.
If you only knew
I'm hanging by a thread
The web I spin for you
If you only knew
I'd sacrifice my beating heart
Before I'd lose you
I still hold onto the letters you returned
I swear I've lived and learned
I’ve been able to move past my anger and the blame that consumed me the first week or so after Calliope and I finally faced reality. I’m not really angry anymore, just sad. I wake up in the middle of the night to an empty bed, wishing that she was on the pillow next to me. She’s always beautiful when she sleeps. Her hair fans out around her, and she always has a peaceful look on her face. Sometimes I would just stare in wonder at my good fortune. Not anymore. Now I’m lucky enough just to get three hours of sleep. It’s almost as if my clock taunts me, moving as slow as it possibly can just to torment me.
My mind snaps, once again, back to the present as my fingers dance across the piano keys. My voice fills the room as I sing the words that hold so much truth within them.
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me
I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight,
Bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe in is you,
If you only knew
It didn’t take me long to attach to the song. The first time I heard it, all I could think of was how perfect it was. When Calliope and I feel apart, I spent the better chunk of the week that followed wishing this were all just a terrible dream. So many days I considered running back to her and declaring that I was wrong, but I just can’t do that to her. It wouldn’t be fair, to either of us. So I kept silent, and now we avoid each other at all costs. However, that doesn’t mean I’ve been able to stay away. I watch her from a distance; across the cafeteria, from down the hall, sitting in the gallery of one of her surgeries. In all honesty, it’s just a gentle form of stalking, but I can’t help it. I can’t let go.
I close my eyes and feel a single tear slide gently down my cheek. I continue to move my fingers in a pattern so familiar that it’s almost embedded into the ivory keys.
If you only knew
How many times I counted
All the words that went wrong
If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go,
Even when you're gone
I don't regret any days I spent,
Nights we shared, or letters that I sent
Maybe everything will turn out okay. Maybe Callie and I will be able to move past the pain and become friends again. A sad smile creeps onto my lips as I realize I’m lying. I’m just trying to make myself feel better. So much has changed. So much as been broken beyond repair. I’m not sure I can settle for just being her friend, but, in the end, I may have no other choice. It isn’t ideal, but it’s probably my only option.
I glance up at the clock. It’s nearly 4am. My body aches from exhaustion and I know I desperately need to sleep. Never one to leave something unfinished, I redirect my gaze back to the piano and softly conclude the infectious melody that has seeped into my soul.
I still hold onto the letters you returned
You help me live and learn
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me
I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight,
Bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe in is you…
Believe in is you
I still believe in you
Oh, if you only knew
My fingers come to a halt as the final notes ring through the modest space. I push back gently from the piano and slowly raise myself to my feet. Gliding over to the window, I gaze out into the cloudy Seattle sky. A blinking catches my eye and I turn my head hopefully only to be disappointed as I watch a lone airplane skim just beneath the dreary overcast. I smile to myself as I hear my soft whisper break the silence.
“Well, you’re not a shooting star, but I suppose you’ll have to do.”