There Are Places I Remember 7/?
Author: JeriBearRN
Title: There Are Places I Remember 7/?
Rating: PG for the time being
Summary: There are places I remember all my life, though some have changed; some forever, not for better. Preston Burke and Addison Montgomery left their lives in Seattle for different reasons but never lost touch with each other. Now after two years away from the place they once called home, they find themselves wondering why they ever left.
Disclaimer: These characters are property of Shonda Rhimes/ABC and Grey's Anatomy. They do not belong to me. Reimbursement is not received for fictitious works. The borrowed lyrics are from the song In My Life (There Are Places I Remember) by the Beatles.
AN: For Niceole.
|one| |two| |three| |four| |five| |six|
It hadn’t exactly been an argument that Cristina expected to win. There wasn’t really a good excuse as to why she hadn’t told him, nor was there a good way to talk herself out of how she had let it slipped her mind to bring it up after Burke resurfaced in Seattle.
There was a lot of yelling, she remembered, more from him than her. There was a lot of silence on her part, a lot of guilt for something that didn’t happen; her original argument that she didn’t do anything was mute point two seconds into the argument when he pointed out that if he had been one iota of a second later he would have caught them kissing rather than her doing nothing.
Owen was right.
He asked her over and over again, why, and she simply didn’t know. She couldn’t explain it. Cristina didn’t know why she was going to kiss him, she didn’t know how they got in that position, she didn’t even know what would have happened.
She knew that she wanted to happen. In a way, she needed it to happen. Maybe it was closure, maybe it was attraction, and maybe it was simply that it was Burke and she missed him. There were too many maybes.
Maybe it was that she simply still loved him, that nobody else would ever be him.
Whatever the reason, her evening ended standing on her doorstep and watching Owen walk away from her. The damage that was done was probably irreparable; she had stood by and let him be mocked by his colleagues while making innuendo referring to her working with Burke, let him remain in the dark on it all until the worst possible moment.
Owen had argued that he would have fought harder for her if he knew that there was a reason to fight. It was at that point that Cristina looked up at him and smiled sadly and then told him goodbye.
Cristina wasn’t a romantic, she didn’t believe in fairy tales and happy endings; she was jaded enough to know it wasn’t real. She did however, feel that she deserved somebody who would fight for her all the time, even if there was no reason to fight at all.
x-x-x-x-x
Addison stood over her newest patient’s isolette, murmuring soft words of encouragement. Her hand ran gently over the soft skin of the neonate, smiled when she felt the strong grip around her index finger.
She could be having the worst day ever and all she needed to do was spend some time with her babies and it made everything better.
Mark stood just a few feet away, mesmerized by the woman before him. He knew that he shouldn’t be, that the things going his mind were incredibly wrong but he couldn’t help himself. He could never help himself when it came to Addison.
His eyes softened when he saw the smile tracing her lips and he reflexively smiled too.
He truly believed he would always carry a torch for her, no matter how much he wanted to pretend that he didn’t.
“Mark,” She murmured, catching him standing at the doorway of the NICU, “Did you come to meet little miss Samantha? She’s wide awake and taking visitors.”
“I…uh, yeah. I did,” He answered, clearing his throat although he knew the lump there wouldn’t go away so easily.
Addison moved out of the way so he could take a look at the challenge that belied him. “Her case is pretty severe. She actually reminds me of the case that we did together back in New York-“
“Trevor,” Mark answered, looking up at her. “Right out of fellowship. I was so mad at you for getting me dragged into that case.”
“But you did a beautiful job and his family was so pleased with the outcome. His father started coming around,” Addison spoke softly.
“Thank God. I’ll never understand these parents that abandon their children on account of something that can be repaired. Even something that can’t be repaired. It’s your child, a child. Maybe I’d make a horrible father but-“
“I should have never said that,” She interjected, “I should have never told you that you’d be a horrible father, Mark. I was angry and it was stressful and there were so many things going on in my life.”
“Don’t worry about it,” He shrugged off, straightening out and closing the side of the isolette. “You were right not to want a baby with me. I don’t blame you.”
Addison frowned and reached out to take his hand in hers, “If I had to do it again? If I had to make that decision all over again? I don’t think I would do it, knowing what I know now. You are a good man, Mark. I never took you seriously and…and I should have. I was wrong.”
The words he was hearing from Addison were almost unbelievable and he searched her eyes, trying to figure out where it was all coming from. His eyes met hers and he could see the longing there. His heart sank in his chest when he realized that it was something that he’d waited forever for from her. Over and over again he’d hoped that Addison would stay, hoped that she’d returned the words that he’d uttered her time and time again and really mean it- and now that she was there? Now that she was on the same page that he had been on, he’d moved onto a new chapter in his life.
She uttered his name softly, looking up at him. The hand that wasn’t holding his reached out and she moved the backs of her fingers over his cheek, feeling the bits of stubble that were threatening to emerge just beneath his skin.
No thinking was involved when she stepped closer to him, raised her lips to nearly meet his. If thinking had been involved, she would have remembered that he was still very much involved with Lexie, that they were standing in the middle of the hospital. If she were thinking, she would have realized what it looked like to him, and that she was still ‘with’ Burke.
Mark’s hand reached up to grip her upper arm and no matter how much he didn’t want to stop her, he needed to. “I can’t,” He breathed, his voice low and rough. “Addison, I can’t. Lexie-“
Addison pulled away, embarrassed turned around to grab a chart. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what-“ She stammered and then stopped, unable to find any sort of words to make the moment better. The chart slipped from her fingers and crashed to the floor, papers flying everywhere and she could feel tears pricking the corners of her eyes from the sudden overwhelming feeling of stupidity and rejection and frustration.
He knelt next to her to help her pick the papers up and slide them into the chart. Mark wanted to say something to her but the events were staggering to him. He almost felt blindsided in all of it.
Once all of the papers were gathered and placed firmly back in the chart, the two of them stood. Mark didn’t miss the glimmer of tears being held back in her eyes and he frowned. Any other time he would have reached up to push them away, but now it felt wrong.
“Addison,” He murmured.
“No, it’s fine. Really, I’m fine. It was a long night that’s all,” She assured him with a forced smile. “I’m just tired.”
He nodded, letting her use the lame excuse, “Okay. You’re tired.”
“That’s all it was,” Addison tried to promise him.
Mark turned his attention away from her and back to the baby for a moment, “We’ll get her into surgery on Monday, Tuesday at the latest. I know that the parents are probably eager for the surgery and she seems as if she can tolerate it. I’ll want to hold tube feedings until then. Use TPN for now.”
“Of course, I’ll write the orders if you have other business to attend to.” She offered, finally regaining some semblance of composure.
“If you don’t mind.”
“Not at all,” Addison answered as she tucked the chart under her arm. “Thanks again, Mark. For doing this.”
She didn’t wait for him to answer as she made a hasty retreat to the nurses’ station to sit down and write orders. From behind the desk, she watched as he lingered for a few moments and she tried to read his expression but was failing miserably. As much as she wanted to believe that she really knew Mark, she feared that too much time had passed and things had changed too much.
The fact that he uttered Lexie’s name so apologetically whenever he pushed her away hurt even more. It wasn’t that she wasn’t a good person or a nice girl, but she was just that- a girl. He had given up so much of himself to be with her, had changed so many things to keep up with her.
He almost wasn’t Mark anymore and it killed her to see that; especially when she knew now, more than ever before, that it was Mark who she loved and wanted to be with.
x-x-x-x-x
Over and over again, Burke replayed the events of the previous night in his head. Every time his mind reached the moment before Hunt showed up, longing washed over him and he wanted to be back in that moment. Being so close to her again, holding her in his arms- even at a distance, made him feel whole again. He could breathe with her there, he felt alive.
Burke knew that she was his other half, his better half.
He would never stop regretting walking away from that and he would never forgive himself for it. He only hoped that she truly had, that she would give him a chance.
The first thing he did upon arriving at the hospital was make sure that Cristina was there too. When he learned that she was assigned to neuro for the day and already in surgery, he breathed a small sigh of relief. He would find a way to speak to her later, or at least make himself available in the event that she wanted to speak.
Pushing the events of the evening from his mind, his thoughts that had absolutely nothing to do with the chart before him, he tried to turn his attention to what was at hand.
Owen had other plans however. He reached out and closed the chart in front of Burke and moved it out of his reach, “Dr. Burke, a word if you don’t mind?”
“Actually, Dr. Hunt,“ Burke started, but was cut off just as quickly.
“It will only take a minute,” He assured him, pushing open the door to the med room. While Owen was understandably upset, he wasn’t going to confront him publicly if only for Cristina’s sake.
Burke followed him reluctantly and once the door was closed behind him, he stood in front of it to shield unintended guests from joining them. “What can I help you with, Dr. Hunt?”
Owen passed back and forth, something like a caged animal, all of the anger he’d been containing since the previous night threatening to emerge. “You don’t deserve her,” He finally spoke in a low voice, “You do not deserve her and you know that. You walked away from her.”
“If we’re going to discuss the topic of who doesn’t deserve Cristina, perhaps it would be best if you were to include your name on that list as well,” Burke’s voice was even, his eyes narrowed on the man.
“You shut the hell up,” Owen snapped, “You weren’t here; you don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“With all due respect, Dr. Hunt, you don’t know what you’re talking about either. You had no clue until last night.”
“When I came home to find my girlfriend kissing another man.”
“Not kissing,” Burke argued, raising his hand. “She did not-“
Owen interrupted his argument with an incredulous laugh. He looked at Burke and shook his head in disbelief. Cristina had said the same damn thing to him.
Burke’s arms crossed over his chest as he watched the other man, not amused by his hysterics. “Dr. Hunt, if you don’t mind-“
“I do mind. Because we were better and you ruined that,” Owen said, raising his hand to point at the other man. “It’s not real, whatever she thinks she has with you. She’s attracted to your skill, to what you have to offer her surgically. That’s all it is. Cristina loves me. Not my surgeries. Not my name. What does she love about you?”
“Do you love Cristina?” Burke asked in an even voice, “Do you really love her?”
“I love her more than you ever have,” Owen answered, stopping to finally look at Burke. “What are you getting at?”
“Because if you love Cristina, if you love her like I do- you’d step back. You’d let her make this decision without pushing her and without saying anything to her.”
“You sure as hell looked like you weren’t pushing her last night,” Owen scoffed, “Not at all.”
“I didn’t,” Burke answered truthfully, “But let’s leave the past where it is rather than rehash it. From this moment forward, we let Cristina make the moves. We let her make the choices. We stand back, we stay silent and we wait.”
Owen considered the other man’s proposition for a moment, his eyes narrowed. If anything, he knew Cristina. He knew that she’d never go back to Burke after what happened before- it obviously still bothered her, otherwise she would have brought it up. He knew that Cristina wouldn’t have kissed him of her own volition, wouldn’t have tried to patch things up with him on her own. He was confident in their relationship, in the fact that Cristina would choose him and sooner rather than later. “One stipulation,” Owen finally spoke.
“And that would be?” Burke asked, his eyebrow arched in curiosity.
“We get a chance to make our final argument to her. We each get a chance to say to her things that need to be said and then we back off.” Owen’s eyes shone with an intensity and excitement at the prospects of beating Burke properly.
“Fair enough.”
A smug grin overtook the angry expression that had dominated the Owen’s face, “May the best man win,” He finally answered before passing him and leaving Burke standing in the med room alone.
“Trust me,” Burke spoke quietly, watching through the glass as Owen walked away. “I will.”
x-x-x-x-x
Meredith couldn’t help but stare at Cristina as she pushed a grape that had escaped it’s bowl around her lunch tray, obviously distracted by whatever it was that was going on in her head. Unable to take the silence anymore, she reached over and stabbed the grape with her own fork, effectively murdering it.
“Okay, I can’t take your silent thinky thing anymore. So stop it.” Meredith said, exasperated.
Cristina looked back up with uncharacteristically widened eyes and then back down at the squashed grape as if it was somehow important to her. It was important to her because it was distracting her and now it was dead because of Meredith. “I’m not doing anything.”
She cast a doubtful glance at Cristina, “Yes you are. You’re thinking about something and you’re not talking about it. And if you don’t talk about it, it drives you crazy and you end up doing things like trying to drown yourself in bathtubs and forgetting how to swim. So, Cristina, tell me what’s wrong.”
Keeping her eyes fixed to her tray in front of her, Cristina finally mumbled an answer. “I didn’t kiss him. I mean, I almost kissed him, but I didn’t. But the problem is that he walked up at the most inopportune time which is the reason that I didn’t kiss him and now he’s all pissed off. And he is giving me those looks like he wants to know what’s going on. And I don’t know. I don’t know and I don’t do the whole dating two guys at once thing like you do so I’m totally out of my element here and-“
“Whoa, whoa, I need you to specify the ‘he’ for me. I would assume that you’re referring to Burke and Owen but you didn’t kiss who? Owen?”
“Burke,” Cristina mumbled, looking up with a guilty expression.
“You almost-“ Meredith said, her eyes widening, “Cristina. What are you doing? Are you..why…I…” She couldn’t even find any words to question what the hell her friend was thinking. She didn’t know what she was supposed to say to her, “Burke. You almost kissed Burke?”
Cristina nodded solemnly, “Owen is angry. Burke is doing the staring thing.”
“And what is Cristina doing?” Meredith finally asked her, putting down her fork and watching her friend. She hadn’t forgotten Cristina sitting in her hospital room and talking about feeling as if she were a ghost, about saying she’d missed Burke. She also said she didn’t miss the relationship or the sex or any of that, but Meredith wondered about the validity of it.
Cristina’s relationship with Owen was certainly not a conventional one or an easy one. Meredith knew that Owen loved Cristina, she just wondered sometimes if it was more convenient than anything else.
“I don’t know,” Cristina sighed, pushing her tray away. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
“It’s not about what you’re supposed to do,” Meredith answered, “It’s about what you’re supposed to do.”
Cristina snorted, “Since when are you the authority on relationship? You got married by an office supply.”
Meredith ignored the insult with a shrug, “I just know that if I did what I was supposed to every time, I would probably be with Finn and all of his plans and Addison would be with Derek and there would be no office supplies. I would probably be marginally happy in a mediocre way and Derek would be pretending perfection with Addison. I might have messed up relationships but I’ve had enough of them to know that you’re not supposed to let your head interfere with all of the crap. You’re supposed to listen to your heart. And I know that even you have one of those, Cristina.”
“Everybody has a heart, Meredith. If they didn’t, they’d be dead.”
“You know what I mean,” Her friend said softly, “Just...I know that the listening to your heart thing doesn’t appeal to you and that you’re not really big on the romance thing or whatever. But don’t listen to your head and don’t do what you think you’re supposed to do. Do what feels right. I don’t know who or what feels right and I don’t want to know what I’m encouraging. I just want you to be happy.”
Letting the words settle in, Cristina wasn’t sure that she knew what being happy felt like when it came to relationships. She had experienced minute slivers of it with each man, but she had never truly let herself go with either man. She’d given much more of herself to Owen than she had to Burke, though. She’d stood by him through so much.
It seemed stupid to let go of that.
“You’re thinking,” Meredith interrupted her train of thought. “Quit thinking about it. Don’t even think about it. Just let whatever happen. You’ll know.”
Cristina’s brow scrunched as she looked at Meredith, “Stop it. I don’t like you being the rational one.”
Meredith giggled, “I’m always the rational one.”
“Says the one that tried to drown herself in the bathtub,” Cristina muttered, following suit.
As much as she wanted to take Mer’s advice and quit thinking about all of it, Cristina didn’t know how to not think. She didn’t trust instincts to make a decision like this. She certainly didn’t want to leave it up to her ‘heart’- not that she’d ever given her heart a chance to speak, but she knew what it felt like to have her heart broken.
Out of everything that she didn’t know, Cristina knew one thing- and it was that she didn’t want to feel that kind of pain again.
x-x-x-x-x
Addison sat next to Burke in the corner of the bar, sipping quietly on her wine and staring out at the crowd. She watched as Lexie teetered on heels far too tall for her next to Meredith and carried on in some tale of woe. Her eyes shifted to Cristina, sitting next to Meredith looking somewhat forlorn herself.
She finally brought her gaze to her friend sitting next to her, his beer untouched. “Preston.”
“She was outside last night when I left your apartment,” His voice was a low rumble, his eyes glossed over as if he were replaying the moment in his head. “She said that she knew we weren’t together except she was upset that I was there because I was never there. Like she doubted herself.”
“That’s…that’s good, right? That she’s jealous. I mean, we obviously suck at acting but she was jealous.” Addison smiled widely. At least something good was happening for one of them.
“We almost kissed,” He finally tore his gaze away from Cristina and looked at her.
Addison’s smile faded, “I almost kissed Mark.”
Burke couldn’t keep surprise from flickering in his eyes, “What? How did that happen?”
“I don’t know. It was an incredibly stupid move on my part. I wasn’t thinking. We were just talking about a case and we said stuff and I…made a complete and utter idiot out of myself.” She muttered, lifting her wine off the table once more.
There wasn’t enough wine in the world to numb the pain of recounting her stupid moment with Mark.
“Addison Montgomery admitting that she made an idiot out of herself? I never thought I’d live to see the day,” Derek only half teased as he joined the two of them with Mark at his side, “I’m only sorry that I haven’t heard the rest of this story.”
“Good evening, Derek,” Addison said, a hint of venom lacing his name, “Perhaps now that I’ve done it, you can attempt doing it too.”
Derek laughed, waving to Joe for a round, “Never. I’m the perfect man.”
Mark smirked, looking at Addison for a fleeting second and then over to Burke, “I heard something interesting from the nurses today.”
“What did you hear?” Addison asked on Preston’s behalf, more than eager to engage in some mindless gossip to distract her from her own issues.
“That you two aren’t really dating,” Mark answered, looking back over at Addison. “At all.”
The pair glanced at each other and then reached for their drinks in near unison, making their guilt that much more obvious.
“Pity,” Derek commented, taking his scotch from Joe, “Here I thought that you’d moved up in the world, Addison.”
Addison sat down her drink with a placid expression and smiled sweetly, “Derek, honey, I moved up in the world a long time ago. I thought you already knew.”
“Yeah, what’s that supposed to mean?” Derek asked with a smug grin that she wanted to knock off of his face.
“Well, you were the one that caught me with Mark.”
Mark laughed and Burke winced at her words. It was a long time in coming that put Derek in his place and it was only that much sweeter that it was Addison doing it. Mark reached over and patted his friend on the shoulder with the same smug grin that he had been wearing only moments earlier, “Better luck next time.”
Derek jerked his shoulder away, “Laugh all you want, Mark, but I’m not the idiot walking around trying to be twenty years younger for my preschool girlfriend. You look just as ridiculous as she does.”
The laughter fell quiet and Mark shifted uncomfortably when he felt their gazes shifted to him. “What?” He asked, playing off the eyes on him. “He’s just trying to retaliate for the comment.”
Addison cast him a doubtful glance, “Mark, you have to admit it is pretty ridiculous. You’re wearing Ed…whoever. Hardy. Ed Hardy cologne and shaving and that Just for Men stuff isn’t as subtle as they claim to be.”
Addison’s words unintentionally soothed Derek’s ego and a grin found its way back to Derek’s face and he patted Mark on the shoulder in a condescending manner, “You should go with your little mini-Addison. It’s past bedtime for you guys, isn’t it?”
Mark shrugged off his hand and picked up his drink, “You love somebody, you change for them.” He argued, looking at the three of them, “That’s how it works.”
“No it’s not,” Burke finally spoke, “It doesn’t work like that. You fall in love with a person for who they are. Not for what they could be.”
This time the gazes shifted towards him, but he Burke held his steady on Mark. He knew that he didn’t have to say anything else, nor did he really have the right to. They weren’t friends and they barely qualified as having any form of respect for each other.
Except in this instance, Burke recognized that Mark was what Addison wanted and he wanted his friend to be happy.
The four of them sat in silence over their drinks, words lost on each of them until Derek finally broke the silence. His attention was focused on another corner of the bar rather than at his own table, “Looks like we’re not the only ones having a great time tonight.” He said sarcastically.
Burke looked towards the corner of the bar where Owen seemed to be arguing with Cristina about something and he set his jaw firmly, watching the two of them. The two men’s eyes met and Burke’s narrowed when he watched Owen take hold of Cristina’s arm to lead her out of the bar.
He felt a sense of relief when she pulled her arm away.
The man stood over her for a moment, defeat causing his posture to sag before he walked away from Cristina and towards the door. He paused for a moment to exchange glances with Burke and the rest of the occupants of his table and went on his way.
“What was that all about?” Derek asked, sliding his glance to Burke, “Were you the cause of that?”
Burke shook his head, reaching for his beer, “How could I have possibly caused that? I’ve been sitting right here the entire time.”
Addison glanced at Burke for a minute and then to Mark. He was watching her again and she caught his glance, held it for a moment and then slid from her barstool. “I really should go home. It’s late.”
“I think this party was DOA anyway,” Derek responded, moving from his seat as well. The two of them left to tab out but Burke remained firmly in his seat, watching Cristina.
Mark sat next to Burke, nursing his beer and his wounded ego from the earlier commentary. His eyes moved from Addison to Lexie and then back to Addison and he finally shook his head, “It isn’t fair. To have so many regrets.”
“Then don’t have regrets,” Burke answered, looking at the man.
“How do you not have regrets?” Mark asked, “You’re here. You have regrets.”
Burke shook his head firmly, “I made mistakes and I’m learning from them.”
“Fine. I have a lot of mistakes,” Mark said in an annoyed tone. Clearly, his newfound drinking partner had the personality of a cardboard box.
“Then fix them. You’ve proven that you can carry on in an adult relationship,” Burke said, turning back to look at Cristina. “Now apply those same principals with an adult.”
“Lexie is-“
“A girl. She’s a very sweet, very nice, very naïve girl.” Burke interrupted, “As I said before, it’s time to apply those principals with an adult, Sloan. It’s time to grow up.” He stood up and walked away from Mark to pay for his own tab.
Mark watched from the now empty table as Burke exchanged glances with Cristina and nothing more, then disappeared from the bar. He forced a smile as Lexie nearly stumbled towards him in her treacherous heels, reminding him much too much of a child wearing her mother’s high heels. He knew what he had to do, what he wanted to do.
In his lifetime, Mark had broken it off with a million women.
There were just never feelings involved before.
Title: There Are Places I Remember 7/?
Rating: PG for the time being
Summary: There are places I remember all my life, though some have changed; some forever, not for better. Preston Burke and Addison Montgomery left their lives in Seattle for different reasons but never lost touch with each other. Now after two years away from the place they once called home, they find themselves wondering why they ever left.
Disclaimer: These characters are property of Shonda Rhimes/ABC and Grey's Anatomy. They do not belong to me. Reimbursement is not received for fictitious works. The borrowed lyrics are from the song In My Life (There Are Places I Remember) by the Beatles.
AN: For Niceole.
|one| |two| |three| |four| |five| |six|
It hadn’t exactly been an argument that Cristina expected to win. There wasn’t really a good excuse as to why she hadn’t told him, nor was there a good way to talk herself out of how she had let it slipped her mind to bring it up after Burke resurfaced in Seattle.
There was a lot of yelling, she remembered, more from him than her. There was a lot of silence on her part, a lot of guilt for something that didn’t happen; her original argument that she didn’t do anything was mute point two seconds into the argument when he pointed out that if he had been one iota of a second later he would have caught them kissing rather than her doing nothing.
Owen was right.
He asked her over and over again, why, and she simply didn’t know. She couldn’t explain it. Cristina didn’t know why she was going to kiss him, she didn’t know how they got in that position, she didn’t even know what would have happened.
She knew that she wanted to happen. In a way, she needed it to happen. Maybe it was closure, maybe it was attraction, and maybe it was simply that it was Burke and she missed him. There were too many maybes.
Maybe it was that she simply still loved him, that nobody else would ever be him.
Whatever the reason, her evening ended standing on her doorstep and watching Owen walk away from her. The damage that was done was probably irreparable; she had stood by and let him be mocked by his colleagues while making innuendo referring to her working with Burke, let him remain in the dark on it all until the worst possible moment.
Owen had argued that he would have fought harder for her if he knew that there was a reason to fight. It was at that point that Cristina looked up at him and smiled sadly and then told him goodbye.
Cristina wasn’t a romantic, she didn’t believe in fairy tales and happy endings; she was jaded enough to know it wasn’t real. She did however, feel that she deserved somebody who would fight for her all the time, even if there was no reason to fight at all.
x-x-x-x-x
Addison stood over her newest patient’s isolette, murmuring soft words of encouragement. Her hand ran gently over the soft skin of the neonate, smiled when she felt the strong grip around her index finger.
She could be having the worst day ever and all she needed to do was spend some time with her babies and it made everything better.
Mark stood just a few feet away, mesmerized by the woman before him. He knew that he shouldn’t be, that the things going his mind were incredibly wrong but he couldn’t help himself. He could never help himself when it came to Addison.
His eyes softened when he saw the smile tracing her lips and he reflexively smiled too.
He truly believed he would always carry a torch for her, no matter how much he wanted to pretend that he didn’t.
“Mark,” She murmured, catching him standing at the doorway of the NICU, “Did you come to meet little miss Samantha? She’s wide awake and taking visitors.”
“I…uh, yeah. I did,” He answered, clearing his throat although he knew the lump there wouldn’t go away so easily.
Addison moved out of the way so he could take a look at the challenge that belied him. “Her case is pretty severe. She actually reminds me of the case that we did together back in New York-“
“Trevor,” Mark answered, looking up at her. “Right out of fellowship. I was so mad at you for getting me dragged into that case.”
“But you did a beautiful job and his family was so pleased with the outcome. His father started coming around,” Addison spoke softly.
“Thank God. I’ll never understand these parents that abandon their children on account of something that can be repaired. Even something that can’t be repaired. It’s your child, a child. Maybe I’d make a horrible father but-“
“I should have never said that,” She interjected, “I should have never told you that you’d be a horrible father, Mark. I was angry and it was stressful and there were so many things going on in my life.”
“Don’t worry about it,” He shrugged off, straightening out and closing the side of the isolette. “You were right not to want a baby with me. I don’t blame you.”
Addison frowned and reached out to take his hand in hers, “If I had to do it again? If I had to make that decision all over again? I don’t think I would do it, knowing what I know now. You are a good man, Mark. I never took you seriously and…and I should have. I was wrong.”
The words he was hearing from Addison were almost unbelievable and he searched her eyes, trying to figure out where it was all coming from. His eyes met hers and he could see the longing there. His heart sank in his chest when he realized that it was something that he’d waited forever for from her. Over and over again he’d hoped that Addison would stay, hoped that she’d returned the words that he’d uttered her time and time again and really mean it- and now that she was there? Now that she was on the same page that he had been on, he’d moved onto a new chapter in his life.
She uttered his name softly, looking up at him. The hand that wasn’t holding his reached out and she moved the backs of her fingers over his cheek, feeling the bits of stubble that were threatening to emerge just beneath his skin.
No thinking was involved when she stepped closer to him, raised her lips to nearly meet his. If thinking had been involved, she would have remembered that he was still very much involved with Lexie, that they were standing in the middle of the hospital. If she were thinking, she would have realized what it looked like to him, and that she was still ‘with’ Burke.
Mark’s hand reached up to grip her upper arm and no matter how much he didn’t want to stop her, he needed to. “I can’t,” He breathed, his voice low and rough. “Addison, I can’t. Lexie-“
Addison pulled away, embarrassed turned around to grab a chart. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what-“ She stammered and then stopped, unable to find any sort of words to make the moment better. The chart slipped from her fingers and crashed to the floor, papers flying everywhere and she could feel tears pricking the corners of her eyes from the sudden overwhelming feeling of stupidity and rejection and frustration.
He knelt next to her to help her pick the papers up and slide them into the chart. Mark wanted to say something to her but the events were staggering to him. He almost felt blindsided in all of it.
Once all of the papers were gathered and placed firmly back in the chart, the two of them stood. Mark didn’t miss the glimmer of tears being held back in her eyes and he frowned. Any other time he would have reached up to push them away, but now it felt wrong.
“Addison,” He murmured.
“No, it’s fine. Really, I’m fine. It was a long night that’s all,” She assured him with a forced smile. “I’m just tired.”
He nodded, letting her use the lame excuse, “Okay. You’re tired.”
“That’s all it was,” Addison tried to promise him.
Mark turned his attention away from her and back to the baby for a moment, “We’ll get her into surgery on Monday, Tuesday at the latest. I know that the parents are probably eager for the surgery and she seems as if she can tolerate it. I’ll want to hold tube feedings until then. Use TPN for now.”
“Of course, I’ll write the orders if you have other business to attend to.” She offered, finally regaining some semblance of composure.
“If you don’t mind.”
“Not at all,” Addison answered as she tucked the chart under her arm. “Thanks again, Mark. For doing this.”
She didn’t wait for him to answer as she made a hasty retreat to the nurses’ station to sit down and write orders. From behind the desk, she watched as he lingered for a few moments and she tried to read his expression but was failing miserably. As much as she wanted to believe that she really knew Mark, she feared that too much time had passed and things had changed too much.
The fact that he uttered Lexie’s name so apologetically whenever he pushed her away hurt even more. It wasn’t that she wasn’t a good person or a nice girl, but she was just that- a girl. He had given up so much of himself to be with her, had changed so many things to keep up with her.
He almost wasn’t Mark anymore and it killed her to see that; especially when she knew now, more than ever before, that it was Mark who she loved and wanted to be with.
x-x-x-x-x
Over and over again, Burke replayed the events of the previous night in his head. Every time his mind reached the moment before Hunt showed up, longing washed over him and he wanted to be back in that moment. Being so close to her again, holding her in his arms- even at a distance, made him feel whole again. He could breathe with her there, he felt alive.
Burke knew that she was his other half, his better half.
He would never stop regretting walking away from that and he would never forgive himself for it. He only hoped that she truly had, that she would give him a chance.
The first thing he did upon arriving at the hospital was make sure that Cristina was there too. When he learned that she was assigned to neuro for the day and already in surgery, he breathed a small sigh of relief. He would find a way to speak to her later, or at least make himself available in the event that she wanted to speak.
Pushing the events of the evening from his mind, his thoughts that had absolutely nothing to do with the chart before him, he tried to turn his attention to what was at hand.
Owen had other plans however. He reached out and closed the chart in front of Burke and moved it out of his reach, “Dr. Burke, a word if you don’t mind?”
“Actually, Dr. Hunt,“ Burke started, but was cut off just as quickly.
“It will only take a minute,” He assured him, pushing open the door to the med room. While Owen was understandably upset, he wasn’t going to confront him publicly if only for Cristina’s sake.
Burke followed him reluctantly and once the door was closed behind him, he stood in front of it to shield unintended guests from joining them. “What can I help you with, Dr. Hunt?”
Owen passed back and forth, something like a caged animal, all of the anger he’d been containing since the previous night threatening to emerge. “You don’t deserve her,” He finally spoke in a low voice, “You do not deserve her and you know that. You walked away from her.”
“If we’re going to discuss the topic of who doesn’t deserve Cristina, perhaps it would be best if you were to include your name on that list as well,” Burke’s voice was even, his eyes narrowed on the man.
“You shut the hell up,” Owen snapped, “You weren’t here; you don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“With all due respect, Dr. Hunt, you don’t know what you’re talking about either. You had no clue until last night.”
“When I came home to find my girlfriend kissing another man.”
“Not kissing,” Burke argued, raising his hand. “She did not-“
Owen interrupted his argument with an incredulous laugh. He looked at Burke and shook his head in disbelief. Cristina had said the same damn thing to him.
Burke’s arms crossed over his chest as he watched the other man, not amused by his hysterics. “Dr. Hunt, if you don’t mind-“
“I do mind. Because we were better and you ruined that,” Owen said, raising his hand to point at the other man. “It’s not real, whatever she thinks she has with you. She’s attracted to your skill, to what you have to offer her surgically. That’s all it is. Cristina loves me. Not my surgeries. Not my name. What does she love about you?”
“Do you love Cristina?” Burke asked in an even voice, “Do you really love her?”
“I love her more than you ever have,” Owen answered, stopping to finally look at Burke. “What are you getting at?”
“Because if you love Cristina, if you love her like I do- you’d step back. You’d let her make this decision without pushing her and without saying anything to her.”
“You sure as hell looked like you weren’t pushing her last night,” Owen scoffed, “Not at all.”
“I didn’t,” Burke answered truthfully, “But let’s leave the past where it is rather than rehash it. From this moment forward, we let Cristina make the moves. We let her make the choices. We stand back, we stay silent and we wait.”
Owen considered the other man’s proposition for a moment, his eyes narrowed. If anything, he knew Cristina. He knew that she’d never go back to Burke after what happened before- it obviously still bothered her, otherwise she would have brought it up. He knew that Cristina wouldn’t have kissed him of her own volition, wouldn’t have tried to patch things up with him on her own. He was confident in their relationship, in the fact that Cristina would choose him and sooner rather than later. “One stipulation,” Owen finally spoke.
“And that would be?” Burke asked, his eyebrow arched in curiosity.
“We get a chance to make our final argument to her. We each get a chance to say to her things that need to be said and then we back off.” Owen’s eyes shone with an intensity and excitement at the prospects of beating Burke properly.
“Fair enough.”
A smug grin overtook the angry expression that had dominated the Owen’s face, “May the best man win,” He finally answered before passing him and leaving Burke standing in the med room alone.
“Trust me,” Burke spoke quietly, watching through the glass as Owen walked away. “I will.”
x-x-x-x-x
Meredith couldn’t help but stare at Cristina as she pushed a grape that had escaped it’s bowl around her lunch tray, obviously distracted by whatever it was that was going on in her head. Unable to take the silence anymore, she reached over and stabbed the grape with her own fork, effectively murdering it.
“Okay, I can’t take your silent thinky thing anymore. So stop it.” Meredith said, exasperated.
Cristina looked back up with uncharacteristically widened eyes and then back down at the squashed grape as if it was somehow important to her. It was important to her because it was distracting her and now it was dead because of Meredith. “I’m not doing anything.”
She cast a doubtful glance at Cristina, “Yes you are. You’re thinking about something and you’re not talking about it. And if you don’t talk about it, it drives you crazy and you end up doing things like trying to drown yourself in bathtubs and forgetting how to swim. So, Cristina, tell me what’s wrong.”
Keeping her eyes fixed to her tray in front of her, Cristina finally mumbled an answer. “I didn’t kiss him. I mean, I almost kissed him, but I didn’t. But the problem is that he walked up at the most inopportune time which is the reason that I didn’t kiss him and now he’s all pissed off. And he is giving me those looks like he wants to know what’s going on. And I don’t know. I don’t know and I don’t do the whole dating two guys at once thing like you do so I’m totally out of my element here and-“
“Whoa, whoa, I need you to specify the ‘he’ for me. I would assume that you’re referring to Burke and Owen but you didn’t kiss who? Owen?”
“Burke,” Cristina mumbled, looking up with a guilty expression.
“You almost-“ Meredith said, her eyes widening, “Cristina. What are you doing? Are you..why…I…” She couldn’t even find any words to question what the hell her friend was thinking. She didn’t know what she was supposed to say to her, “Burke. You almost kissed Burke?”
Cristina nodded solemnly, “Owen is angry. Burke is doing the staring thing.”
“And what is Cristina doing?” Meredith finally asked her, putting down her fork and watching her friend. She hadn’t forgotten Cristina sitting in her hospital room and talking about feeling as if she were a ghost, about saying she’d missed Burke. She also said she didn’t miss the relationship or the sex or any of that, but Meredith wondered about the validity of it.
Cristina’s relationship with Owen was certainly not a conventional one or an easy one. Meredith knew that Owen loved Cristina, she just wondered sometimes if it was more convenient than anything else.
“I don’t know,” Cristina sighed, pushing her tray away. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
“It’s not about what you’re supposed to do,” Meredith answered, “It’s about what you’re supposed to do.”
Cristina snorted, “Since when are you the authority on relationship? You got married by an office supply.”
Meredith ignored the insult with a shrug, “I just know that if I did what I was supposed to every time, I would probably be with Finn and all of his plans and Addison would be with Derek and there would be no office supplies. I would probably be marginally happy in a mediocre way and Derek would be pretending perfection with Addison. I might have messed up relationships but I’ve had enough of them to know that you’re not supposed to let your head interfere with all of the crap. You’re supposed to listen to your heart. And I know that even you have one of those, Cristina.”
“Everybody has a heart, Meredith. If they didn’t, they’d be dead.”
“You know what I mean,” Her friend said softly, “Just...I know that the listening to your heart thing doesn’t appeal to you and that you’re not really big on the romance thing or whatever. But don’t listen to your head and don’t do what you think you’re supposed to do. Do what feels right. I don’t know who or what feels right and I don’t want to know what I’m encouraging. I just want you to be happy.”
Letting the words settle in, Cristina wasn’t sure that she knew what being happy felt like when it came to relationships. She had experienced minute slivers of it with each man, but she had never truly let herself go with either man. She’d given much more of herself to Owen than she had to Burke, though. She’d stood by him through so much.
It seemed stupid to let go of that.
“You’re thinking,” Meredith interrupted her train of thought. “Quit thinking about it. Don’t even think about it. Just let whatever happen. You’ll know.”
Cristina’s brow scrunched as she looked at Meredith, “Stop it. I don’t like you being the rational one.”
Meredith giggled, “I’m always the rational one.”
“Says the one that tried to drown herself in the bathtub,” Cristina muttered, following suit.
As much as she wanted to take Mer’s advice and quit thinking about all of it, Cristina didn’t know how to not think. She didn’t trust instincts to make a decision like this. She certainly didn’t want to leave it up to her ‘heart’- not that she’d ever given her heart a chance to speak, but she knew what it felt like to have her heart broken.
Out of everything that she didn’t know, Cristina knew one thing- and it was that she didn’t want to feel that kind of pain again.
x-x-x-x-x
Addison sat next to Burke in the corner of the bar, sipping quietly on her wine and staring out at the crowd. She watched as Lexie teetered on heels far too tall for her next to Meredith and carried on in some tale of woe. Her eyes shifted to Cristina, sitting next to Meredith looking somewhat forlorn herself.
She finally brought her gaze to her friend sitting next to her, his beer untouched. “Preston.”
“She was outside last night when I left your apartment,” His voice was a low rumble, his eyes glossed over as if he were replaying the moment in his head. “She said that she knew we weren’t together except she was upset that I was there because I was never there. Like she doubted herself.”
“That’s…that’s good, right? That she’s jealous. I mean, we obviously suck at acting but she was jealous.” Addison smiled widely. At least something good was happening for one of them.
“We almost kissed,” He finally tore his gaze away from Cristina and looked at her.
Addison’s smile faded, “I almost kissed Mark.”
Burke couldn’t keep surprise from flickering in his eyes, “What? How did that happen?”
“I don’t know. It was an incredibly stupid move on my part. I wasn’t thinking. We were just talking about a case and we said stuff and I…made a complete and utter idiot out of myself.” She muttered, lifting her wine off the table once more.
There wasn’t enough wine in the world to numb the pain of recounting her stupid moment with Mark.
“Addison Montgomery admitting that she made an idiot out of herself? I never thought I’d live to see the day,” Derek only half teased as he joined the two of them with Mark at his side, “I’m only sorry that I haven’t heard the rest of this story.”
“Good evening, Derek,” Addison said, a hint of venom lacing his name, “Perhaps now that I’ve done it, you can attempt doing it too.”
Derek laughed, waving to Joe for a round, “Never. I’m the perfect man.”
Mark smirked, looking at Addison for a fleeting second and then over to Burke, “I heard something interesting from the nurses today.”
“What did you hear?” Addison asked on Preston’s behalf, more than eager to engage in some mindless gossip to distract her from her own issues.
“That you two aren’t really dating,” Mark answered, looking back over at Addison. “At all.”
The pair glanced at each other and then reached for their drinks in near unison, making their guilt that much more obvious.
“Pity,” Derek commented, taking his scotch from Joe, “Here I thought that you’d moved up in the world, Addison.”
Addison sat down her drink with a placid expression and smiled sweetly, “Derek, honey, I moved up in the world a long time ago. I thought you already knew.”
“Yeah, what’s that supposed to mean?” Derek asked with a smug grin that she wanted to knock off of his face.
“Well, you were the one that caught me with Mark.”
Mark laughed and Burke winced at her words. It was a long time in coming that put Derek in his place and it was only that much sweeter that it was Addison doing it. Mark reached over and patted his friend on the shoulder with the same smug grin that he had been wearing only moments earlier, “Better luck next time.”
Derek jerked his shoulder away, “Laugh all you want, Mark, but I’m not the idiot walking around trying to be twenty years younger for my preschool girlfriend. You look just as ridiculous as she does.”
The laughter fell quiet and Mark shifted uncomfortably when he felt their gazes shifted to him. “What?” He asked, playing off the eyes on him. “He’s just trying to retaliate for the comment.”
Addison cast him a doubtful glance, “Mark, you have to admit it is pretty ridiculous. You’re wearing Ed…whoever. Hardy. Ed Hardy cologne and shaving and that Just for Men stuff isn’t as subtle as they claim to be.”
Addison’s words unintentionally soothed Derek’s ego and a grin found its way back to Derek’s face and he patted Mark on the shoulder in a condescending manner, “You should go with your little mini-Addison. It’s past bedtime for you guys, isn’t it?”
Mark shrugged off his hand and picked up his drink, “You love somebody, you change for them.” He argued, looking at the three of them, “That’s how it works.”
“No it’s not,” Burke finally spoke, “It doesn’t work like that. You fall in love with a person for who they are. Not for what they could be.”
This time the gazes shifted towards him, but he Burke held his steady on Mark. He knew that he didn’t have to say anything else, nor did he really have the right to. They weren’t friends and they barely qualified as having any form of respect for each other.
Except in this instance, Burke recognized that Mark was what Addison wanted and he wanted his friend to be happy.
The four of them sat in silence over their drinks, words lost on each of them until Derek finally broke the silence. His attention was focused on another corner of the bar rather than at his own table, “Looks like we’re not the only ones having a great time tonight.” He said sarcastically.
Burke looked towards the corner of the bar where Owen seemed to be arguing with Cristina about something and he set his jaw firmly, watching the two of them. The two men’s eyes met and Burke’s narrowed when he watched Owen take hold of Cristina’s arm to lead her out of the bar.
He felt a sense of relief when she pulled her arm away.
The man stood over her for a moment, defeat causing his posture to sag before he walked away from Cristina and towards the door. He paused for a moment to exchange glances with Burke and the rest of the occupants of his table and went on his way.
“What was that all about?” Derek asked, sliding his glance to Burke, “Were you the cause of that?”
Burke shook his head, reaching for his beer, “How could I have possibly caused that? I’ve been sitting right here the entire time.”
Addison glanced at Burke for a minute and then to Mark. He was watching her again and she caught his glance, held it for a moment and then slid from her barstool. “I really should go home. It’s late.”
“I think this party was DOA anyway,” Derek responded, moving from his seat as well. The two of them left to tab out but Burke remained firmly in his seat, watching Cristina.
Mark sat next to Burke, nursing his beer and his wounded ego from the earlier commentary. His eyes moved from Addison to Lexie and then back to Addison and he finally shook his head, “It isn’t fair. To have so many regrets.”
“Then don’t have regrets,” Burke answered, looking at the man.
“How do you not have regrets?” Mark asked, “You’re here. You have regrets.”
Burke shook his head firmly, “I made mistakes and I’m learning from them.”
“Fine. I have a lot of mistakes,” Mark said in an annoyed tone. Clearly, his newfound drinking partner had the personality of a cardboard box.
“Then fix them. You’ve proven that you can carry on in an adult relationship,” Burke said, turning back to look at Cristina. “Now apply those same principals with an adult.”
“Lexie is-“
“A girl. She’s a very sweet, very nice, very naïve girl.” Burke interrupted, “As I said before, it’s time to apply those principals with an adult, Sloan. It’s time to grow up.” He stood up and walked away from Mark to pay for his own tab.
Mark watched from the now empty table as Burke exchanged glances with Cristina and nothing more, then disappeared from the bar. He forced a smile as Lexie nearly stumbled towards him in her treacherous heels, reminding him much too much of a child wearing her mother’s high heels. He knew what he had to do, what he wanted to do.
In his lifetime, Mark had broken it off with a million women.
There were just never feelings involved before.