Words Don't Come Easy (girl!KaiBaek) [3/3]
Title: Words Don’t Come Easy [3/3]
Pairing: girl!Kai/girl!Baekhyun
Rating: NC-17
Genre(s): smut, romance, fluff
Warning(s): slight mentions of homophobia, Korean entertainment industry stuff
Word Count: 18,932
Summary: When Baekhee debuted in one of South Korea's most promising new girl groups, she didn't imagine that she'd end up having sex with one of her band mates. It just kind of...happened.
Written for the third round of girlexochange and originally posted here.
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
------------------
Baekhee looked up from her computer when Chanyeon stepped into their room and closed the door behind her, sitting on her bed but looking at Baekhee like she wanted to say something.
“Yes?” Baekhee asked, amused lilt to her voice that felt flat when she saw her serious Chanyeon was.
“What are you doing?” she asked, brows pinched with worry.
Baekhee blinked. “Checking my email…?”
Chanyeon frowned like Baekhee was being obtuse on purpose. And while it was something she might do if Chanyeon didn't look so no-nonsense, she really didn't know what Chanyeon was referring to.
When Baekhee continued to stare at her blanky, Chanyeon sighed. “What are you and Jungah doing?”
Oh. She should have been able to figure out what Chanyeon was talking about.
Unfortunately, she didn't have an answer for her.
Baekhee shrugged, feeling small under Chanyeon's stare- like she was being interrogated by an authority figure or something.
“I honestly...don't know,” Baekhee told her, withering when Chanyeon looked at her like she'd done something wrong. “We still haven't talked about it.”
“Still?” Chanyeon demanded, brows raised.
Baekhee shrugged again. “You know that Jungah isn't the easiest person to talk to about what she's feeling,” she defended.
“Yeah, but I'd give it a shot if I was sleeping with her,” Chanyeon reasoned.
Baekhee didn't have any argument for that.
She also wasn't used to having Chanyeon looking at her sternly, wanting answers that Baekhee didn't have.
“If you're gonna keep...doing what you're doing, you have to figure out what it is that you're doing,” Chanyeon told her. “Junhee unnie is going to find out. Or someone outside of the group is going to find out and then unnie is gonna find out. You need a plan. At the very least, you have to be more careful. Today-”
“I know,” Baekhee interrupted, feeling sick to her stomach with how true Chanyeon's words were. Right now, they were playing with fire with no aim. Was it even worth it?
“I mean, is it just physical or…?”
Baekhee opened her mouth to say that she had no clue. Jungah certainly hadn't ever said anything along the lines of wanting more. But all the little touches. The extra smiles. That kiss the morning after…
“I...don't know,” Baekhee said, because she didn't. But she…
“Do you want it to be?” Chanyeon asked, tone more gentle.
Baekhee swallowed down a swell of...something in her chest.
“I don't know,” she said, but it felt a little like a lie.
“You need to figure out what you want,” Chanyeon told her, authoritative, but with an undercurrent of tenderness.
Baekhee didn’t know if she appreciated the understanding or if she wished she wasn’t so easy to read. She was supposed to be strong and unflappable. She needed to be the one any of the girls could turn to if the needed it, even Junhee.
“Yeah,” Baekhee agreed, not able- or wanting- to elaborate.
“Figure out what your aim is,” Chanyeon reiterated, “and then talk to Jungah. And if it comes to it, Junhee unnie too.”
Anxiety filled Baekhee’s chest at what Chanyeon was saying. Mostly because she was right.
She nodded, shifting in her desk chair and looking down at her sock-covered feet when she couldn’t hold Chanyeon’s gaze any longer.
“You’ll figure it out,” Chanyeon said, getting up from the bed and shooting Baekhee a smile when she looked up.
Baekhee wasn’t so sure, not when there were so many factors that were at play, but she let her lips turn up in response, grateful for Chanyeon’s understanding through all of this. Her acceptance and support was above and beyond what Baekhee would have even predicted.
As Chanyeon left their room to find someone to play video games with, Baekhee had a heavy decision weighing on her shoulders- a few, actually- that affected more than just her.
When had this gotten so complicated? For as much as she had tried to convince herself initially, it had been complicated from the very start- from the moment her lips accidentally brushed against Jungah’s neck. Maybe even before.
If she continued to pretend that there was nothing to acknowledge, she was going to bury herself underneath a bunch of things she didn’t know how to confront.
Unless she wanted to do irreparable damage to the group, and quite possibly herself, she needed to face this head on.
---
Baekhee watched Jungah run through the choreography across the practice room, admiring the easy way the steps seemed to pour out of her body- moving as though she'd been born to do this very dance, even though that was how she looked doing any dance.
The first time Baekhee had seen Jungah, the younger girl had been dancing in a practice room. Baekhee had peered in through the window in the door, and been breathless. Also a little intimidated. She'd felt pretty good about how she'd danced in her class earlier, but she was nothing compared to this girl.
When she'd formally met Jungah a couple of months later with the knowledge that there was a good chance that they'd both end up in the girl group the company was planning to debut, she'd wondered if this could possibly be the same girl she'd seen dancing before. Gone was the charismatic gaze that Baekhee had seen reflected in the mirror. Gone was the confidence that had seemed to emanate from Jungah's entire being as she danced, from the top of her head to the tips of her fingers and toes. Instead, the girl in front of her looked like she wanted to shrink into herself, all nervous downcast eyes and a soft, timid introduction. It wasn't long before Baekhee found that that was just the way Jungah was; she could command a room when she was dancing, but she tried to blend into the background when she wasn't.
Over time, Jungah began to come out of her shell a bit. She got more comfortable around Baekhee and the other girls who were chosen for the group, and some of that confidence that radiated from her when she performed sometimes made its way into her daily interactions. It was with fondness that Baekhee laughed at a joke Jungah had confidently told, even though the joke made not an ounce of sense and wasn't even funny.
In retrospect, Baekhee could acknowledge that she had always had a soft spot for the younger girl. Though, of course, she hadn't ever expected her fondness to land her where she was now- wondering what she and Jungah had and whether or not it was simply physical.
No, it was safe to say that on that first day, Baekhee hadn’t thought that she'd end up having sex with Jungah. Even if she'd particularly enjoyed the way she moved her hips.
How Jungah always managed to add a little extra thrust to her hips in moves that didn't even require it was something Baekhee didn't understand, but would never complain about.
"...right, Baekhee?"
Baekhee snapped her attention away from Jungah and her sinuous body rolls at the sound of her name.
Kyungsoon was looking at her expectantly.
"Um...what?" Baekhee asked sheepishly, not having any idea what the other girl had just said.
Kyungsoon sighed, eyes going flat with annoyance at Baekhee's obvious lack of focus.
"Are you even with us today?" she asked, large eyes boring into Baekhee's.
"Of course!" Baekhee assured her with a laugh, trying to break the awkward atmosphere. "I was so here that I didn't even hear what you said. Now that is what you call focus!"
Kyungsoon blinked at her, unimpressed.
"I said that we can't go to dinner tonight because we have extra vocal lessons," she told her.
Baekhee wrinkled her nose when she remembered. They were preparing for the repackage of their most recent album, and one of the new songs was a duet with her and Kyungsoon. So they had a few extra vocal lessons before they were set to record. Getting to do a duet with Kyungsoon that was meant to show off their voices was awesome. Having to miss dinner was not.
"We'll bring back leftovers," Junhee told them before she turned away to call to Jungah that it was time to go.
Chanyeon gave her a pat on the shoulder as she walked past on her way out. "Sorry, bro."
Baekhee was about to start moaning about how she wanted pork too, but she felt a warm hand circle her wrist before sliding down to interlace their fingers, stopping the complaints from leaving her lips.
Jungah was at her side- lips curved up in a sympathetic smile. "We'll bring you something back," she promised, eyes shining with sincerity.
Warmth bloomed in Baekhee's chest as she nodded, smiling back and squeezing Jungah's hand in her own. She didn't tell Jungah that Junhee had already told them that.
"Jungah," Sehee called from the doorway. "Come on! I'm hungry."
Jungah grinned sheepishly at her before she trotted to catch up with the other girls, phantom warmth from her hand still lingering.
"Let's go," Kyungsoon said, hefting her bag over her shoulder and gesturing for Baekhee to follow her to their voice instructor's room.
Reluctantly, Baekhee grabbed her bag and started after her.
It had been two days since Chanyeon had advised Baekhee to figure out what she wanted. It had been two days since Baekhee had been able to think of anything other than that.
There were two questions that kept turning themselves over and over in Baekhee's mind.
Was Jungah only interested in her as a way to get off or did she want more?
And...
What did Baekhee want?
One of those questions couldn't be answered by Baekhee. But the other could only be answered by her.
When Chanyeon had asked her if she wanted something beyond just the physical with Jungah, Baekhee had said she didn't know.
That was partially true.
On one hand, it was undeniable how much she had been enjoying all of the extra affection from Jungah.
The day before, they'd been on a radio show, and Jungah had claimed the seat next to Baekhee. Throughout the broadcast, Jungah had rested her hand on Baekhee's thigh under the table- a comforting warmth that had Baekhee grinning even more widely than usual as she answered the standard questions that were thrown at them.
It was such a nice feeling to be getting her makeup done in their dressing room backstage at a show and to look up to catch Jungah's eyes in the mirror. Just sharing a smile gave her a boost of energy that carried through their performance.
Even just having Jungah grab her hand while they waited on stage for the winner of that week’s broadcast to be announced had Baekhee feeling just as happy as she did when they were announced as the winners.
There wasn't a part of her that could ignore how every little interaction with Jungah had her whole body feeling warm.
But they weren't just two friends who might be developing feelings for one another. They were idols. They were idols who were both girls. They were idols who were both girls and who were members of the same group.
Baekhee wasn't sure she could have come up with a more complicated and delicate scenario if she'd tried.
There was a part of her that said it wasn't worth it to even think about pursuing. What would happen if they dated and broke up?
But then again, if they decided right now that they were going to forget anything had ever happened between them, things were bound to be awkward. They'd already come too far for there to be no repercussions.
As she had thought about what she wanted, she couldn't stop imagining what it would be like if she and Jungah decided to give this thing they had a real try.
Being able to wake up with Jungah wrapped around her. Being able to watch her blink past sleep as she woke up, to share a sweet, good morning kiss...
Of course she was interested in more sex, but not just that. Being able to beautifully destroy Jungah with her hands and mouth while letting herself feel fully... She wanted to be able to look into Jungah's eyes and feel that connection that she hadn't completely let herself explore previously.
The thought of being able to just go up to Jungah and kiss her, to feel her smile against her lips...Baekhee was embarrassed to acknowledge that just thinking of that gave her butterflies in her stomach.
Conversely, the idea of Jungah dating someone else had Baekhee's stomach clenching. Remembering Seungwan thinking that the mark on Jungah's thigh had been from Taemin had her bristling.
Baekhee was confident that Taemin, though she didn't know him well, wouldn't be as good to Jungah as she would. He wouldn't be as attentive as Baekhee. He couldn't be there for Jungah when she was going through something like Baekhee would. He wouldn't know when Jungah needed to be alone and when to step in to comfort her. And what if he wasn't able to show Jungah just how wonderful she was? Could he make her feel loved and cherished?
It was with stomach twisting clarity that Baekhee realized just how far gone she was already. She may have been acting like she was thinking things over and weighing the pros and the cons, but she had made up her mind before Chanyeon had even finished talking. She'd made up her mind the first time she'd kissed Jungah.
Taking a deep breath, Baekhee tried to calm her pounding heart. Their vocal instructor would be there any minute and then Baekhee would have to focus on hitting that high not in the bridge and not on the smile Jungah had given her as they'd filed out the door that morning.
Fortunately Kyungsoon, across the room and on her phone, hadn't noticed that Baekhee was having a mild breakdown right there in the practice room.
Baekhee knew that there was a very good chance that Jungah wouldn't want anything more than what they had now. She knew there was an even better chance that even considering it was completely insane. But Baekhee knew that she had to at least see if it was something that Jungah wanted. And if it was...they'd figure it out. Maybe it was too risky. Maybe it was irresponsible. But Baekhee knew that what she was feeling...it wasn't something she could just shut off. It wasn't something she wanted to just disregard.
Another deep breath, in through the nose, out through the mouth, and Baekhee had made up her mind. She was going to talk to Jungah. As soon as she could get her alone, she was going to talk to her and see what she wanted. Even if Baekhee got rejected, it would be worth it. She'd shake it off and she and Jungah could remain friends with no hard feelings. But she had to know.
She had to try.
---
When Kyungsoon announced that she was going to head to the practice room to go over their dance on their afternoon off, Baekhee was on the edge of her seat waiting for her to actually leave. Because with Kyungsoon out of the dorm, she and Jungah could have a private conversation in Jungah's room with less of a fear of getting interrupted.
Though, to be fair, with three other girls remaining, the risk was always there.
So when Kyungsoon stepped out, Baekhee was almost immediately on her feet, making her way over to where Jungah was sprawled on the couch, watching Chanyeon and Sehee play some car racing game.
"Can we go talk in your room?" Baekhee asked quietly, close to Jungah's ear.
Chanyeon's loud whoop as she passed Sehee in the game insured that only Jungah had heard her.
Jungah's eyes were wide, startled, when they met hers, but she nodded, getting up and following Baekhee into the empty room.
The click of the door behind them had Baekhee's heart rate speeding up.
"So, we should probably talk," Baekhee started, sitting down on Jungah's bed and feeling the dip of the mattress when Jungah joined her.
Jungah looked nervous, but she nodded in agreement, fingers twisting in her loose t-shirt as she waited for Baekhee to continue.
"We should probably talk about what's...going on between us," Baekhee said, though she felt that the introduction was unnecessary. Of course that's what they needed to talk about. "I mean, I don't really know where you are or how you feel about any of it."
Jungah nodded again, more slowly this time as though she was thinking even as she agreed.
Baekhee could see the tension in Jungah's frame. As her unnie, she felt that she should maybe say her piece first. She didn't want to put Jungah on the spot. Besides, if she didn't say it soon, she might never say it at all.
"Like I said," Baekhee jumped in before the silence could stretch too long, "I don't know where you are with everything, but I know where I am."
She took a breath, watching Jungah prepare herself for Baekhee's words. Was she afraid that Baekhee was going to tell her it meant nothing? Was she afraid that Baekhee wanted more than she was willing to give?
"This was never a situation that I thought we'd be in," Baekhee confessed. "It just kind of happened. But since it's been a few months since the first time, I've had time to really think about it. And...I really like you."
Jungah's eyes were still wide as they took her in, expression neither more horrified or more relieved.
Was that a good sign? Bad? At least Jungah hadn’t run out screaming. Or more realistically, at least she hadn’t cringed at what Baekhee was saying. As much as Baekhee would have loved for Jungah to have immediately jumped in and returned the sentiment, she knew she should probably elaborate.
With a steadying breath, Baekhee continued on.
"Obviously the sex was good...really good. And I wouldn't mind that happening again. But also...I don't know if it's been you or me or if it's been consciously or not but...it seems like there's been something more between us lately? I like that. I don't want to lose that. But if you don't want anything more than what's happening now, that's fine. No hard feelings or anything. We can still be friends and it doesn't have to get weird."
Stopping herself, Baekhee tried to figure out what Jungah was thinking.
She looked thoughtful, so that didn’t give away what she was feeling. Baekhee tried to remind herself to keep breathing as she waited for Jungah to respond, shaking fingers holding on tight to her own thighs.
"Are you-" Jungah started before she stopped and looked down, thinking. "When you say you like me...like, you want to keep doing what we're doing or you want..."
Jungah bit her lip, shyly looking at Baekhee from the corner of her eye.
"Maybe this is nuts," Baekhee hedged, stomach turning nervously, "but I want to give this thing between us a real shot. I want you to be my girlfriend?"
Baekhee felt adrenaline shoot through her body as she said those words- ears burning and heart thumping as she waited for Jungah to reply.
"I know it's probably not the smartest idea since we're idols and girls and in the same group and all, but-"
"I want that too," Jungah rushed to say, a pretty pink flush spreading over the bridge of her nose and across her cheeks.
Baekhee smiled, relief washing over her as she let out a giddy laugh when she couldn't come up with the right words.
"Geez," she finally chuckled, flopping back on the bed and covering her grinning face with her hands.
"You thought I'd say no?" Jungah asked, prying her hands away from her face gently by her wrists.
"I had no idea what you'd say," Baekhee admitted, trying to get her body to calm down now that the confessing part was over. "I mean, we'd never talked about it, and you never said anything to imply that you wanted more than just sex or..."
"I didn't say anything," Jungah agreed, lips pulled to the side in thought, "but I thought surely you knew?"
"How should I have known?" Baekhee laughed, sitting back up to look at Jungah properly.
"I just thought it was pretty obvious that I liked you?" Jungah explained. "I mean, I've liked you for a long time."
Baekhee's eyes widened in surprise. "You have? How long?"
Jungah blushed, looking at her lap before she met Baekhee's eyes again.
"I dunno..." she hedged, chewing on her lower lip nervously. "I guess since around when we debuted?"
Gaping, Baekhee didn't know what to say.
"That's almost two years!" she finally sputtered, disbelieving.
Jungah shrugged sheepishly.
"Did you even know I liked girls?" Baekhee asked, which was dumb since it wasn't like she'd known that Jungah did.
"I'd hoped?" she said, still looking embarrassed.
And because she could, Baekhee leaned over and pressed a quick and sweet kiss to her kips.
Jungah looked just as giddy as Baekhee felt when she pulled back.
But for as heady and exciting as this was- this rush of feelings and the knowledge that they were returned- they had other things they needed to discuss. This wasn't as simple as just the two of them.
"So, we're gonna have to figure out how we're gonna do this," Baekhee said, hating to bring the atmosphere down, but knowing that it was too important to ignore.
Jungah sobered, nodding.
"We don't have to tell everyone just yet," Baekhee began. "Our members, I mean. We should see how this goes first. There's no need to sound alarm bells if we decide that we aren't compatible."
Baekhee didn't see that happening, but it was still a possibility.
"But we have to talk to Junhee unnie," Baekhee went on, stomach tightening at just the idea of having to tell their leader that she'd been fucking their almost maknae. "She'd be less likely to kill us- me- if we tell her before she finds out on her own."
Jungah nodded again, looking just as terrified as Baekhee felt.
"What if she forbids it?" Jungah wondered, brow furrowed in worry.
Baekhee put a comforting hand on her knee.
"No doubt she won't be happy," Baekhee allowed, "but I don't think she'll tell us that we can't. I mean, she can't actually enforce that. And she wants up to be happy. You know that."
"Yeah, but..." Jungah worried her lower lip between her teeth.
"I know," Baekhee commiserated. "She's going to be stressed the fuck out. I...don't expect a good reaction. But it's still better if we tell her."
"Yeah," Jungah agreed on a sigh, laying her head against Baekhee's shoulder and scooting into her.
"And we're going to have to be so careful," Baekhee went on, interlacing her fingers with Jungah's and feeling her nerves settle a little. "We're always going to have to be aware of who's around so we don't get caught. And I promise I won't leave any more hickeys on you."
Jungah snorted out a laugh smacking Baekhee on the thigh with her free hand.
Making a big fuss about Jungah hitting her, Baekhee happily accepted the apologetic kiss that Jungah pressed to her lips.
"Kyungsoon unnie is gonna be out of the dorm next weekend," Jungah announced after a comfortable moment of silence.
"Oh yeah?" Baekhee asked, mind already taking off at the possibilities.
"Maybe you can sleep in here?" Jungah suggested hopefully.
Baekhee smirked. "Depends what you mean by sleep."
That earned her another smack, but Baekhee was too busy laughing against Jungah's mouth to feel it.
---
With Chanyeon's help, Baekhee was able to get Junhee alone so she and Jungah could talk to her. Kyungsoon was out again, so as long as Chanyeon could keep Sehee occupied, they were golden.
Though the worry of getting interrupted by one of the members was far less than Baekhee's worry that Junhee would leap across the room to strangle her when she found out about Baekhee's and Jungah's relationship.
It had been two weeks since they'd decided to make it official, and though much of that time had been spent feeling fluttery and giddy with their new relationship (not to mention the night they got to spend together in Jungah's room while Kyungsoon stayed with a friend- muffling moans in pillows and giggling into each others mouths to know that they were getting away with something), there was still an undercurrent of unease knowing that a conversation with their leader was on the horizon.
Junhee's brows were already drawn down in exaggerated worry when they sat her down at the kitchen table.
"What's going on?" she demanded, knowing that it must be something if they were the ones saying that they needed to talk. Usually it was Junhee trying to get them to have group discussions and bond while they all whined and asked to put it off so they could sleep.
"It's not bad," Baekhee hedged, not sure whether or not Junhee was going to agree with that statement after she heard what they had to say. "We just thought that we should tell you since you're our leader and you should know."
"You are not comforting me in any way right now," Junhee informed her. "Just tell me whatever it is that you need to."
Baekhee nodded, gathering her courage.
Jungah's hand on her thigh under the table was at least some comfort as she tried not to wither under Junhee's no-nonsense stare.
"For the past few weeks," Baekhee started, stomach churning with nerves, "...months...officially, weeks..."
Junhee was becoming visibly impatient, so Baekhee pushed forward.
"Anyway, recently Jungah and I...we're dating," she finally just blurted out, watching Junhee's face as she absorbed the information.
"Both of you?" she asked, looking a bit troubled. "Who? Are they idols? Does anyone know?"
Baekhee felt another wave of anxiety wash over her. Junhee hadn't understood what she'd just told her.
"No, that's not what I meant," Baekhee said, bracing herself for Junhee's reaction to what she was actually saying. "Jungah and I are dating...each other."
The realization took a second to settle over her, but when it did, she looked shocked enough that Baekhee might as well have told her that the two of them were each half sea urchin and that hearing the sound of a toilet flushing would cause them to start to transform.
Baekhee wondered if maybe she should have confessed to that instead to lighten to the mood.
"Are you serious?" she gaped, eyes wide as she looked back and forth between them.
Jungah was holding on tight to Baekhee's thigh under the table.
"Yes?" Baekhee told her, internally scolding herself for letting that be a question. "Yes. I'm serious."
"How..." Junhee's head looked like it was about to explode, and Baekhee felt bad for causing their poor leader even more stress. "How did I not know about this?"
"How could you have?" Baekhee countered, wanting to be reassuring, but Junhee seemed to be only half listening to her.
"How could this happen?" she demanded, appearing a little like she was asking herself that question. "How-?"
Junhee finally looked over at them again, panic in her eyes.
"No one told me what to do in this situation!" she told them. "What to do if your members start dating some other celebrity? Yes. But each other?"
Junhee ran a hand through her hair and took a deep breath.
“I am so not prepared for this,” she muttered to herself and Baekhee felt a pang of sympathy.
Looking down at the table, Junhee took a moment to gather herself before she looked back up at them, seeming a little bit calmer.
"So, this is something that you guys are serious about?" Junhee asked, eyes traveling back and forth between them.
"Yes," Baekhee answered, quickly looking over at Jungah to make sure that was an okay response. They hadn't said I love you to each other yet, so maybe serious wouldn't be a word that Jungah would use. But Jungah nodded in agreement, fingers fumbling for Baekhee's under the table as her cheeks reddened.
Baekhee felt her stomach flip.
"How long has this been going on?" Junhee asked then, all business now that she'd gotten over the initial shock.
"Well, we've been officially dating for two weeks," she told her, continuing to answer the questions in Jungah's stead since she was the older of the two and because she knew Jungah was terrified of what Junhee was going to say. "But I guess this has been going on for a few months...since that first time we shared a hotel room."
Realization settled over Junhee's features as she seemed to remember the fact that they'd roomed together the past three times they'd stayed in a hotel. Then her eyes hardened as she looked at Baekhee, apparently able to imply what could have happened when they had a room to themselves.
Baekhee shrunk back in her seat.
"Baekhee," Junhee said warningly, eyes narrowed.
"I-"
"Unnie," Jungah said, interrupting Baekhee to address Junhee. "I- I started it."
Truthfully, Baekhee didn't know whether their first time had been more influenced by her or Jungah. They’d been pretty equally into it- both eager and willing.
“That’s not important, Jungah,” Junhee said. “Baekhee is your unnie and she should know bett-”
“No,” Jungah argued, shocking both Baekhee and Junhee, if the gobsmacked look on her face was anything to go by. “I’m an adult, and I wanted it. I wanted Baekhee unnie. I-”
Jungah cut herself off when she seemed to realize how overtly she was talking about sex with their leader.
Junhee looked a little embarrassed to be hearing about it.
Baekhee, meanwhile, was touched that Jungah had jumped in to defend her so stubbornly. She squeezed Jungah’s hand in thanks under the table.
Looking up at the ceiling, Junhee looked like she was seeking strength from some deity even though she was an atheist. Maybe hearing about two of her members having sex was scarring enough that she was changing her beliefs.
After a moment, she looked back at them.
“Okay,” she said, not sounding quite as authoritative as she had a moment ago, though she was still stern. “Maybe pointing fingers and focusing on the semantics isn’t the right way to go. I’m still not happy about this. Surely, I don’t need to go through all of the ways that this can damage the group.”
She raised her eyebrows expectantly, and Baekhee and Jungah shook their heads. They knew.
“I can’t tell you guys not to do this because obviously...I can’t actually stop you. And knowing both of you, I know that this must be important to you if you’re willing to run the risk that comes with being in a relationship.”
Junhee exhaled, massaging her forehead for a second before she continued.
“Thank you for telling me,” she said, voice measured and gaze strong as she looked back and forth between them. “I may be the leader, but I can’t actually control what you do, so I can only implore you to please be extremely careful. If this got out, you know we’re ruined. The company can’t know because they actually could stop you from pursuing it.”
“Yes, unnie,” Jungah murmured, sounding chastised. Though her grip was still strong on Baekhee’s hand. Baekhee hoped that that meant that Junhee’s warnings weren’t going to make her change her mind.
Junhee nodded, satisfied that they were taking it seriously.
She sighed.
“I don’t want to be an asshole,” she confessed, sounding tired. “Don’t think that I’m not happy for you. It’s just...well, it’s a lot to take in, first of all. And I have to do my job to protect this group, you two included.”
“We know,” Baekhee assured her, feeling a weight release off her shoulders at the assurance that Junhee’s negativity was coming from concern for the group and not from the fact that they were two girls. If that made her uncomfortable at all...at least she wasn’t horrified.
“I’m sorry to cause you stress, unnie,” Jungah added, and Junhee smiled gently at her.
She always had had a soft spot for Jungah.
“What else is new,” Junhee joked weakly. “Is that all?”
“Unless you want to hear about how I’m part sea urchin…”
Junhee snorted out a laugh and swatted at Baekhee over the table. “Get out of here.”
Baekhee got up and pulled Jungah with her, glad she’d been able to make Junhee laugh, but also knowing that she probably needed some time alone to gather her thoughts.
“That could have been worse?” Jungah observed when they stepped into the living room, vacant because Chanyeon was getting Sehee hooked on some new TV show in Baekhee’s and Chanyeon’s room.
“It could have been a lot worse,” Baekhee agreed, flopping down onto the couch and trying to will the excess anxiousness out of her body.
“Unnie didn’t scare you out of wanting to do this?” Jungah asked, settled in next to Baekhee and grabbing her wrist so she could play with her fingers.
“No, did she scare you?” Baekhee asked, gut clenching even though Jungah’s affectionate touches didn’t imply that she was wanting an out.
“Well, she scares me,” Jungah admitted with a chuckle, “but she didn’t make me not want to be with you.”
Baekhee smiled, shooting a quick glance toward the kitchen door before pecking Jungah on the lips.
“Thanks for standing up for me, by the way,” she added, nudging Jungah in the side playfully.
Jungah blushed, looking down. “Well, it wasn’t like you initiated it. If I hadn’t...you wouldn’t have…”
“Well, if I hadn’t, you wouldn’t have either,” Baekhee teased.
Giggling, Jungah buried her face in Baekhee’s neck, her breath against the sensitive skin making her shiver.
“Sorry,” Jungah said, pulling back when she realized what she’d done.
“You are not,” Baekhee huffed, feeling the flush of arousal on her cheeks from just that little stimulation.
“I am!” Jungah insisted, laughing at Baekhee’s put out look.
“We’ll see about that,” Baekhee promised, casually letting a hand slip across Jungah’s thigh to tease her fingers against the bare flesh where her shorts had ridden up before she moved away and plopped her feet in Jungah’s lap with a satisfied grin.
Jungah pouted at her, wiggling her legs to jostle Baekhee’s feet.
“I hope Kyungsoon stays with a friend again soon,” Jungah said, still huffy about Baekhee’s revenge, though the heaviness of her gaze gave her away.
Baekhee smirked, feeling herself pulse at just the idea of giving Jungah what she wanted. “I’m sure we can figure something out.”
---
Baekhee couldn’t help but bop and sway along to the song that was being performed onstage as she waited in the wings. The girls performing, rookies, were doing a good job, though Baekhee could see the wide eyed excitement on their faces that came with having just debuted. It was an extremely exciting, yet terrifying time. She wouldn’t trade it, but Baekhee was glad to be where she was- more established and definitely more comfortable in the spotlight.
A warm body against her back and arms draping over her shoulders had Baekhee grinning automatically, moving more so Jungah would sway with her.
Jungah hummed along to the song in her ear, taking over the swaying motion and moving her arms to Baekhee’s waist to keep them in sync.
It was almost like they were slow dancing together, Baekhee thought, smiling and feeling her heart flutter.
Little moments like this, that could be easily passed off as normal skinship between friends, made having to hide their relationship tolerable. Not being able to tell the members who didn’t know definitely sucked the most, but Baekhee comforted herself with the assurance that one day they would be able to.
Chanyeon remained supportive, and Junhee was surprisingly understanding about them always trying to room together when they went overseas. She didn’t allow it every time, but more often than not, she indulged them. Once the initial shock and panic wore off, she might have even thought they were a little sweet. Though she avoided saying as much because she probably didn’t want to endorse risky behavior.
Sometimes it really was tough, getting frustrated because they couldn’t just behave like a normal couple. But since they were both in the same position, they were able to find understanding in one another and push through those weeks where it seemed like they’d barely even had time to make eye contact.
But the hard times were made up for when it had been an exhausting day and they got to curl up together on the couch, gaining comfort from each other’s presence and sneaking around the corner by the bathroom to share a goodnight kiss out of sight.
“I like this song,” Jungah murmured in her ear, still moving Baekhee’s body to the beat of the music.
Baekhee hummed in agreement, lifting Jungah’s arm up to press a light kiss to her wrist.
As Jungah made a show of huffing and wiping the gloss that she’d left in her wake, Baekhee turned her head to shoot Jungah a grin. Jungah was smiling too.
Initially, Baekhee might have said that Jungah was the member she was least close to. In retrospect, that might not have even really been true. Now, though, Jungah knew her better than any of the members. Better than Chanyeon, even.
Baekhee caught Jungah’s eye as they prepared to go onstage to perform, and that single look said more than words ever could.
- Title taken from Mamamoo's song of the same name.
- Thank you to Ash for being my cheerleader! And Jen for looking this over for me <3
- Follow me on tumblr if you are so inclined.
Pairing: girl!Kai/girl!Baekhyun
Rating: NC-17
Genre(s): smut, romance, fluff
Warning(s): slight mentions of homophobia, Korean entertainment industry stuff
Word Count: 18,932
Summary: When Baekhee debuted in one of South Korea's most promising new girl groups, she didn't imagine that she'd end up having sex with one of her band mates. It just kind of...happened.
Written for the third round of girlexochange and originally posted here.
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
------------------
Baekhee looked up from her computer when Chanyeon stepped into their room and closed the door behind her, sitting on her bed but looking at Baekhee like she wanted to say something.
“Yes?” Baekhee asked, amused lilt to her voice that felt flat when she saw her serious Chanyeon was.
“What are you doing?” she asked, brows pinched with worry.
Baekhee blinked. “Checking my email…?”
Chanyeon frowned like Baekhee was being obtuse on purpose. And while it was something she might do if Chanyeon didn't look so no-nonsense, she really didn't know what Chanyeon was referring to.
When Baekhee continued to stare at her blanky, Chanyeon sighed. “What are you and Jungah doing?”
Oh. She should have been able to figure out what Chanyeon was talking about.
Unfortunately, she didn't have an answer for her.
Baekhee shrugged, feeling small under Chanyeon's stare- like she was being interrogated by an authority figure or something.
“I honestly...don't know,” Baekhee told her, withering when Chanyeon looked at her like she'd done something wrong. “We still haven't talked about it.”
“Still?” Chanyeon demanded, brows raised.
Baekhee shrugged again. “You know that Jungah isn't the easiest person to talk to about what she's feeling,” she defended.
“Yeah, but I'd give it a shot if I was sleeping with her,” Chanyeon reasoned.
Baekhee didn't have any argument for that.
She also wasn't used to having Chanyeon looking at her sternly, wanting answers that Baekhee didn't have.
“If you're gonna keep...doing what you're doing, you have to figure out what it is that you're doing,” Chanyeon told her. “Junhee unnie is going to find out. Or someone outside of the group is going to find out and then unnie is gonna find out. You need a plan. At the very least, you have to be more careful. Today-”
“I know,” Baekhee interrupted, feeling sick to her stomach with how true Chanyeon's words were. Right now, they were playing with fire with no aim. Was it even worth it?
“I mean, is it just physical or…?”
Baekhee opened her mouth to say that she had no clue. Jungah certainly hadn't ever said anything along the lines of wanting more. But all the little touches. The extra smiles. That kiss the morning after…
“I...don't know,” Baekhee said, because she didn't. But she…
“Do you want it to be?” Chanyeon asked, tone more gentle.
Baekhee swallowed down a swell of...something in her chest.
“I don't know,” she said, but it felt a little like a lie.
“You need to figure out what you want,” Chanyeon told her, authoritative, but with an undercurrent of tenderness.
Baekhee didn’t know if she appreciated the understanding or if she wished she wasn’t so easy to read. She was supposed to be strong and unflappable. She needed to be the one any of the girls could turn to if the needed it, even Junhee.
“Yeah,” Baekhee agreed, not able- or wanting- to elaborate.
“Figure out what your aim is,” Chanyeon reiterated, “and then talk to Jungah. And if it comes to it, Junhee unnie too.”
Anxiety filled Baekhee’s chest at what Chanyeon was saying. Mostly because she was right.
She nodded, shifting in her desk chair and looking down at her sock-covered feet when she couldn’t hold Chanyeon’s gaze any longer.
“You’ll figure it out,” Chanyeon said, getting up from the bed and shooting Baekhee a smile when she looked up.
Baekhee wasn’t so sure, not when there were so many factors that were at play, but she let her lips turn up in response, grateful for Chanyeon’s understanding through all of this. Her acceptance and support was above and beyond what Baekhee would have even predicted.
As Chanyeon left their room to find someone to play video games with, Baekhee had a heavy decision weighing on her shoulders- a few, actually- that affected more than just her.
When had this gotten so complicated? For as much as she had tried to convince herself initially, it had been complicated from the very start- from the moment her lips accidentally brushed against Jungah’s neck. Maybe even before.
If she continued to pretend that there was nothing to acknowledge, she was going to bury herself underneath a bunch of things she didn’t know how to confront.
Unless she wanted to do irreparable damage to the group, and quite possibly herself, she needed to face this head on.
---
Baekhee watched Jungah run through the choreography across the practice room, admiring the easy way the steps seemed to pour out of her body- moving as though she'd been born to do this very dance, even though that was how she looked doing any dance.
The first time Baekhee had seen Jungah, the younger girl had been dancing in a practice room. Baekhee had peered in through the window in the door, and been breathless. Also a little intimidated. She'd felt pretty good about how she'd danced in her class earlier, but she was nothing compared to this girl.
When she'd formally met Jungah a couple of months later with the knowledge that there was a good chance that they'd both end up in the girl group the company was planning to debut, she'd wondered if this could possibly be the same girl she'd seen dancing before. Gone was the charismatic gaze that Baekhee had seen reflected in the mirror. Gone was the confidence that had seemed to emanate from Jungah's entire being as she danced, from the top of her head to the tips of her fingers and toes. Instead, the girl in front of her looked like she wanted to shrink into herself, all nervous downcast eyes and a soft, timid introduction. It wasn't long before Baekhee found that that was just the way Jungah was; she could command a room when she was dancing, but she tried to blend into the background when she wasn't.
Over time, Jungah began to come out of her shell a bit. She got more comfortable around Baekhee and the other girls who were chosen for the group, and some of that confidence that radiated from her when she performed sometimes made its way into her daily interactions. It was with fondness that Baekhee laughed at a joke Jungah had confidently told, even though the joke made not an ounce of sense and wasn't even funny.
In retrospect, Baekhee could acknowledge that she had always had a soft spot for the younger girl. Though, of course, she hadn't ever expected her fondness to land her where she was now- wondering what she and Jungah had and whether or not it was simply physical.
No, it was safe to say that on that first day, Baekhee hadn’t thought that she'd end up having sex with Jungah. Even if she'd particularly enjoyed the way she moved her hips.
How Jungah always managed to add a little extra thrust to her hips in moves that didn't even require it was something Baekhee didn't understand, but would never complain about.
"...right, Baekhee?"
Baekhee snapped her attention away from Jungah and her sinuous body rolls at the sound of her name.
Kyungsoon was looking at her expectantly.
"Um...what?" Baekhee asked sheepishly, not having any idea what the other girl had just said.
Kyungsoon sighed, eyes going flat with annoyance at Baekhee's obvious lack of focus.
"Are you even with us today?" she asked, large eyes boring into Baekhee's.
"Of course!" Baekhee assured her with a laugh, trying to break the awkward atmosphere. "I was so here that I didn't even hear what you said. Now that is what you call focus!"
Kyungsoon blinked at her, unimpressed.
"I said that we can't go to dinner tonight because we have extra vocal lessons," she told her.
Baekhee wrinkled her nose when she remembered. They were preparing for the repackage of their most recent album, and one of the new songs was a duet with her and Kyungsoon. So they had a few extra vocal lessons before they were set to record. Getting to do a duet with Kyungsoon that was meant to show off their voices was awesome. Having to miss dinner was not.
"We'll bring back leftovers," Junhee told them before she turned away to call to Jungah that it was time to go.
Chanyeon gave her a pat on the shoulder as she walked past on her way out. "Sorry, bro."
Baekhee was about to start moaning about how she wanted pork too, but she felt a warm hand circle her wrist before sliding down to interlace their fingers, stopping the complaints from leaving her lips.
Jungah was at her side- lips curved up in a sympathetic smile. "We'll bring you something back," she promised, eyes shining with sincerity.
Warmth bloomed in Baekhee's chest as she nodded, smiling back and squeezing Jungah's hand in her own. She didn't tell Jungah that Junhee had already told them that.
"Jungah," Sehee called from the doorway. "Come on! I'm hungry."
Jungah grinned sheepishly at her before she trotted to catch up with the other girls, phantom warmth from her hand still lingering.
"Let's go," Kyungsoon said, hefting her bag over her shoulder and gesturing for Baekhee to follow her to their voice instructor's room.
Reluctantly, Baekhee grabbed her bag and started after her.
It had been two days since Chanyeon had advised Baekhee to figure out what she wanted. It had been two days since Baekhee had been able to think of anything other than that.
There were two questions that kept turning themselves over and over in Baekhee's mind.
Was Jungah only interested in her as a way to get off or did she want more?
And...
What did Baekhee want?
One of those questions couldn't be answered by Baekhee. But the other could only be answered by her.
When Chanyeon had asked her if she wanted something beyond just the physical with Jungah, Baekhee had said she didn't know.
That was partially true.
On one hand, it was undeniable how much she had been enjoying all of the extra affection from Jungah.
The day before, they'd been on a radio show, and Jungah had claimed the seat next to Baekhee. Throughout the broadcast, Jungah had rested her hand on Baekhee's thigh under the table- a comforting warmth that had Baekhee grinning even more widely than usual as she answered the standard questions that were thrown at them.
It was such a nice feeling to be getting her makeup done in their dressing room backstage at a show and to look up to catch Jungah's eyes in the mirror. Just sharing a smile gave her a boost of energy that carried through their performance.
Even just having Jungah grab her hand while they waited on stage for the winner of that week’s broadcast to be announced had Baekhee feeling just as happy as she did when they were announced as the winners.
There wasn't a part of her that could ignore how every little interaction with Jungah had her whole body feeling warm.
But they weren't just two friends who might be developing feelings for one another. They were idols. They were idols who were both girls. They were idols who were both girls and who were members of the same group.
Baekhee wasn't sure she could have come up with a more complicated and delicate scenario if she'd tried.
There was a part of her that said it wasn't worth it to even think about pursuing. What would happen if they dated and broke up?
But then again, if they decided right now that they were going to forget anything had ever happened between them, things were bound to be awkward. They'd already come too far for there to be no repercussions.
As she had thought about what she wanted, she couldn't stop imagining what it would be like if she and Jungah decided to give this thing they had a real try.
Being able to wake up with Jungah wrapped around her. Being able to watch her blink past sleep as she woke up, to share a sweet, good morning kiss...
Of course she was interested in more sex, but not just that. Being able to beautifully destroy Jungah with her hands and mouth while letting herself feel fully... She wanted to be able to look into Jungah's eyes and feel that connection that she hadn't completely let herself explore previously.
The thought of being able to just go up to Jungah and kiss her, to feel her smile against her lips...Baekhee was embarrassed to acknowledge that just thinking of that gave her butterflies in her stomach.
Conversely, the idea of Jungah dating someone else had Baekhee's stomach clenching. Remembering Seungwan thinking that the mark on Jungah's thigh had been from Taemin had her bristling.
Baekhee was confident that Taemin, though she didn't know him well, wouldn't be as good to Jungah as she would. He wouldn't be as attentive as Baekhee. He couldn't be there for Jungah when she was going through something like Baekhee would. He wouldn't know when Jungah needed to be alone and when to step in to comfort her. And what if he wasn't able to show Jungah just how wonderful she was? Could he make her feel loved and cherished?
It was with stomach twisting clarity that Baekhee realized just how far gone she was already. She may have been acting like she was thinking things over and weighing the pros and the cons, but she had made up her mind before Chanyeon had even finished talking. She'd made up her mind the first time she'd kissed Jungah.
Taking a deep breath, Baekhee tried to calm her pounding heart. Their vocal instructor would be there any minute and then Baekhee would have to focus on hitting that high not in the bridge and not on the smile Jungah had given her as they'd filed out the door that morning.
Fortunately Kyungsoon, across the room and on her phone, hadn't noticed that Baekhee was having a mild breakdown right there in the practice room.
Baekhee knew that there was a very good chance that Jungah wouldn't want anything more than what they had now. She knew there was an even better chance that even considering it was completely insane. But Baekhee knew that she had to at least see if it was something that Jungah wanted. And if it was...they'd figure it out. Maybe it was too risky. Maybe it was irresponsible. But Baekhee knew that what she was feeling...it wasn't something she could just shut off. It wasn't something she wanted to just disregard.
Another deep breath, in through the nose, out through the mouth, and Baekhee had made up her mind. She was going to talk to Jungah. As soon as she could get her alone, she was going to talk to her and see what she wanted. Even if Baekhee got rejected, it would be worth it. She'd shake it off and she and Jungah could remain friends with no hard feelings. But she had to know.
She had to try.
---
When Kyungsoon announced that she was going to head to the practice room to go over their dance on their afternoon off, Baekhee was on the edge of her seat waiting for her to actually leave. Because with Kyungsoon out of the dorm, she and Jungah could have a private conversation in Jungah's room with less of a fear of getting interrupted.
Though, to be fair, with three other girls remaining, the risk was always there.
So when Kyungsoon stepped out, Baekhee was almost immediately on her feet, making her way over to where Jungah was sprawled on the couch, watching Chanyeon and Sehee play some car racing game.
"Can we go talk in your room?" Baekhee asked quietly, close to Jungah's ear.
Chanyeon's loud whoop as she passed Sehee in the game insured that only Jungah had heard her.
Jungah's eyes were wide, startled, when they met hers, but she nodded, getting up and following Baekhee into the empty room.
The click of the door behind them had Baekhee's heart rate speeding up.
"So, we should probably talk," Baekhee started, sitting down on Jungah's bed and feeling the dip of the mattress when Jungah joined her.
Jungah looked nervous, but she nodded in agreement, fingers twisting in her loose t-shirt as she waited for Baekhee to continue.
"We should probably talk about what's...going on between us," Baekhee said, though she felt that the introduction was unnecessary. Of course that's what they needed to talk about. "I mean, I don't really know where you are or how you feel about any of it."
Jungah nodded again, more slowly this time as though she was thinking even as she agreed.
Baekhee could see the tension in Jungah's frame. As her unnie, she felt that she should maybe say her piece first. She didn't want to put Jungah on the spot. Besides, if she didn't say it soon, she might never say it at all.
"Like I said," Baekhee jumped in before the silence could stretch too long, "I don't know where you are with everything, but I know where I am."
She took a breath, watching Jungah prepare herself for Baekhee's words. Was she afraid that Baekhee was going to tell her it meant nothing? Was she afraid that Baekhee wanted more than she was willing to give?
"This was never a situation that I thought we'd be in," Baekhee confessed. "It just kind of happened. But since it's been a few months since the first time, I've had time to really think about it. And...I really like you."
Jungah's eyes were still wide as they took her in, expression neither more horrified or more relieved.
Was that a good sign? Bad? At least Jungah hadn’t run out screaming. Or more realistically, at least she hadn’t cringed at what Baekhee was saying. As much as Baekhee would have loved for Jungah to have immediately jumped in and returned the sentiment, she knew she should probably elaborate.
With a steadying breath, Baekhee continued on.
"Obviously the sex was good...really good. And I wouldn't mind that happening again. But also...I don't know if it's been you or me or if it's been consciously or not but...it seems like there's been something more between us lately? I like that. I don't want to lose that. But if you don't want anything more than what's happening now, that's fine. No hard feelings or anything. We can still be friends and it doesn't have to get weird."
Stopping herself, Baekhee tried to figure out what Jungah was thinking.
She looked thoughtful, so that didn’t give away what she was feeling. Baekhee tried to remind herself to keep breathing as she waited for Jungah to respond, shaking fingers holding on tight to her own thighs.
"Are you-" Jungah started before she stopped and looked down, thinking. "When you say you like me...like, you want to keep doing what we're doing or you want..."
Jungah bit her lip, shyly looking at Baekhee from the corner of her eye.
"Maybe this is nuts," Baekhee hedged, stomach turning nervously, "but I want to give this thing between us a real shot. I want you to be my girlfriend?"
Baekhee felt adrenaline shoot through her body as she said those words- ears burning and heart thumping as she waited for Jungah to reply.
"I know it's probably not the smartest idea since we're idols and girls and in the same group and all, but-"
"I want that too," Jungah rushed to say, a pretty pink flush spreading over the bridge of her nose and across her cheeks.
Baekhee smiled, relief washing over her as she let out a giddy laugh when she couldn't come up with the right words.
"Geez," she finally chuckled, flopping back on the bed and covering her grinning face with her hands.
"You thought I'd say no?" Jungah asked, prying her hands away from her face gently by her wrists.
"I had no idea what you'd say," Baekhee admitted, trying to get her body to calm down now that the confessing part was over. "I mean, we'd never talked about it, and you never said anything to imply that you wanted more than just sex or..."
"I didn't say anything," Jungah agreed, lips pulled to the side in thought, "but I thought surely you knew?"
"How should I have known?" Baekhee laughed, sitting back up to look at Jungah properly.
"I just thought it was pretty obvious that I liked you?" Jungah explained. "I mean, I've liked you for a long time."
Baekhee's eyes widened in surprise. "You have? How long?"
Jungah blushed, looking at her lap before she met Baekhee's eyes again.
"I dunno..." she hedged, chewing on her lower lip nervously. "I guess since around when we debuted?"
Gaping, Baekhee didn't know what to say.
"That's almost two years!" she finally sputtered, disbelieving.
Jungah shrugged sheepishly.
"Did you even know I liked girls?" Baekhee asked, which was dumb since it wasn't like she'd known that Jungah did.
"I'd hoped?" she said, still looking embarrassed.
And because she could, Baekhee leaned over and pressed a quick and sweet kiss to her kips.
Jungah looked just as giddy as Baekhee felt when she pulled back.
But for as heady and exciting as this was- this rush of feelings and the knowledge that they were returned- they had other things they needed to discuss. This wasn't as simple as just the two of them.
"So, we're gonna have to figure out how we're gonna do this," Baekhee said, hating to bring the atmosphere down, but knowing that it was too important to ignore.
Jungah sobered, nodding.
"We don't have to tell everyone just yet," Baekhee began. "Our members, I mean. We should see how this goes first. There's no need to sound alarm bells if we decide that we aren't compatible."
Baekhee didn't see that happening, but it was still a possibility.
"But we have to talk to Junhee unnie," Baekhee went on, stomach tightening at just the idea of having to tell their leader that she'd been fucking their almost maknae. "She'd be less likely to kill us- me- if we tell her before she finds out on her own."
Jungah nodded again, looking just as terrified as Baekhee felt.
"What if she forbids it?" Jungah wondered, brow furrowed in worry.
Baekhee put a comforting hand on her knee.
"No doubt she won't be happy," Baekhee allowed, "but I don't think she'll tell us that we can't. I mean, she can't actually enforce that. And she wants up to be happy. You know that."
"Yeah, but..." Jungah worried her lower lip between her teeth.
"I know," Baekhee commiserated. "She's going to be stressed the fuck out. I...don't expect a good reaction. But it's still better if we tell her."
"Yeah," Jungah agreed on a sigh, laying her head against Baekhee's shoulder and scooting into her.
"And we're going to have to be so careful," Baekhee went on, interlacing her fingers with Jungah's and feeling her nerves settle a little. "We're always going to have to be aware of who's around so we don't get caught. And I promise I won't leave any more hickeys on you."
Jungah snorted out a laugh smacking Baekhee on the thigh with her free hand.
Making a big fuss about Jungah hitting her, Baekhee happily accepted the apologetic kiss that Jungah pressed to her lips.
"Kyungsoon unnie is gonna be out of the dorm next weekend," Jungah announced after a comfortable moment of silence.
"Oh yeah?" Baekhee asked, mind already taking off at the possibilities.
"Maybe you can sleep in here?" Jungah suggested hopefully.
Baekhee smirked. "Depends what you mean by sleep."
That earned her another smack, but Baekhee was too busy laughing against Jungah's mouth to feel it.
---
With Chanyeon's help, Baekhee was able to get Junhee alone so she and Jungah could talk to her. Kyungsoon was out again, so as long as Chanyeon could keep Sehee occupied, they were golden.
Though the worry of getting interrupted by one of the members was far less than Baekhee's worry that Junhee would leap across the room to strangle her when she found out about Baekhee's and Jungah's relationship.
It had been two weeks since they'd decided to make it official, and though much of that time had been spent feeling fluttery and giddy with their new relationship (not to mention the night they got to spend together in Jungah's room while Kyungsoon stayed with a friend- muffling moans in pillows and giggling into each others mouths to know that they were getting away with something), there was still an undercurrent of unease knowing that a conversation with their leader was on the horizon.
Junhee's brows were already drawn down in exaggerated worry when they sat her down at the kitchen table.
"What's going on?" she demanded, knowing that it must be something if they were the ones saying that they needed to talk. Usually it was Junhee trying to get them to have group discussions and bond while they all whined and asked to put it off so they could sleep.
"It's not bad," Baekhee hedged, not sure whether or not Junhee was going to agree with that statement after she heard what they had to say. "We just thought that we should tell you since you're our leader and you should know."
"You are not comforting me in any way right now," Junhee informed her. "Just tell me whatever it is that you need to."
Baekhee nodded, gathering her courage.
Jungah's hand on her thigh under the table was at least some comfort as she tried not to wither under Junhee's no-nonsense stare.
"For the past few weeks," Baekhee started, stomach churning with nerves, "...months...officially, weeks..."
Junhee was becoming visibly impatient, so Baekhee pushed forward.
"Anyway, recently Jungah and I...we're dating," she finally just blurted out, watching Junhee's face as she absorbed the information.
"Both of you?" she asked, looking a bit troubled. "Who? Are they idols? Does anyone know?"
Baekhee felt another wave of anxiety wash over her. Junhee hadn't understood what she'd just told her.
"No, that's not what I meant," Baekhee said, bracing herself for Junhee's reaction to what she was actually saying. "Jungah and I are dating...each other."
The realization took a second to settle over her, but when it did, she looked shocked enough that Baekhee might as well have told her that the two of them were each half sea urchin and that hearing the sound of a toilet flushing would cause them to start to transform.
Baekhee wondered if maybe she should have confessed to that instead to lighten to the mood.
"Are you serious?" she gaped, eyes wide as she looked back and forth between them.
Jungah was holding on tight to Baekhee's thigh under the table.
"Yes?" Baekhee told her, internally scolding herself for letting that be a question. "Yes. I'm serious."
"How..." Junhee's head looked like it was about to explode, and Baekhee felt bad for causing their poor leader even more stress. "How did I not know about this?"
"How could you have?" Baekhee countered, wanting to be reassuring, but Junhee seemed to be only half listening to her.
"How could this happen?" she demanded, appearing a little like she was asking herself that question. "How-?"
Junhee finally looked over at them again, panic in her eyes.
"No one told me what to do in this situation!" she told them. "What to do if your members start dating some other celebrity? Yes. But each other?"
Junhee ran a hand through her hair and took a deep breath.
“I am so not prepared for this,” she muttered to herself and Baekhee felt a pang of sympathy.
Looking down at the table, Junhee took a moment to gather herself before she looked back up at them, seeming a little bit calmer.
"So, this is something that you guys are serious about?" Junhee asked, eyes traveling back and forth between them.
"Yes," Baekhee answered, quickly looking over at Jungah to make sure that was an okay response. They hadn't said I love you to each other yet, so maybe serious wouldn't be a word that Jungah would use. But Jungah nodded in agreement, fingers fumbling for Baekhee's under the table as her cheeks reddened.
Baekhee felt her stomach flip.
"How long has this been going on?" Junhee asked then, all business now that she'd gotten over the initial shock.
"Well, we've been officially dating for two weeks," she told her, continuing to answer the questions in Jungah's stead since she was the older of the two and because she knew Jungah was terrified of what Junhee was going to say. "But I guess this has been going on for a few months...since that first time we shared a hotel room."
Realization settled over Junhee's features as she seemed to remember the fact that they'd roomed together the past three times they'd stayed in a hotel. Then her eyes hardened as she looked at Baekhee, apparently able to imply what could have happened when they had a room to themselves.
Baekhee shrunk back in her seat.
"Baekhee," Junhee said warningly, eyes narrowed.
"I-"
"Unnie," Jungah said, interrupting Baekhee to address Junhee. "I- I started it."
Truthfully, Baekhee didn't know whether their first time had been more influenced by her or Jungah. They’d been pretty equally into it- both eager and willing.
“That’s not important, Jungah,” Junhee said. “Baekhee is your unnie and she should know bett-”
“No,” Jungah argued, shocking both Baekhee and Junhee, if the gobsmacked look on her face was anything to go by. “I’m an adult, and I wanted it. I wanted Baekhee unnie. I-”
Jungah cut herself off when she seemed to realize how overtly she was talking about sex with their leader.
Junhee looked a little embarrassed to be hearing about it.
Baekhee, meanwhile, was touched that Jungah had jumped in to defend her so stubbornly. She squeezed Jungah’s hand in thanks under the table.
Looking up at the ceiling, Junhee looked like she was seeking strength from some deity even though she was an atheist. Maybe hearing about two of her members having sex was scarring enough that she was changing her beliefs.
After a moment, she looked back at them.
“Okay,” she said, not sounding quite as authoritative as she had a moment ago, though she was still stern. “Maybe pointing fingers and focusing on the semantics isn’t the right way to go. I’m still not happy about this. Surely, I don’t need to go through all of the ways that this can damage the group.”
She raised her eyebrows expectantly, and Baekhee and Jungah shook their heads. They knew.
“I can’t tell you guys not to do this because obviously...I can’t actually stop you. And knowing both of you, I know that this must be important to you if you’re willing to run the risk that comes with being in a relationship.”
Junhee exhaled, massaging her forehead for a second before she continued.
“Thank you for telling me,” she said, voice measured and gaze strong as she looked back and forth between them. “I may be the leader, but I can’t actually control what you do, so I can only implore you to please be extremely careful. If this got out, you know we’re ruined. The company can’t know because they actually could stop you from pursuing it.”
“Yes, unnie,” Jungah murmured, sounding chastised. Though her grip was still strong on Baekhee’s hand. Baekhee hoped that that meant that Junhee’s warnings weren’t going to make her change her mind.
Junhee nodded, satisfied that they were taking it seriously.
She sighed.
“I don’t want to be an asshole,” she confessed, sounding tired. “Don’t think that I’m not happy for you. It’s just...well, it’s a lot to take in, first of all. And I have to do my job to protect this group, you two included.”
“We know,” Baekhee assured her, feeling a weight release off her shoulders at the assurance that Junhee’s negativity was coming from concern for the group and not from the fact that they were two girls. If that made her uncomfortable at all...at least she wasn’t horrified.
“I’m sorry to cause you stress, unnie,” Jungah added, and Junhee smiled gently at her.
She always had had a soft spot for Jungah.
“What else is new,” Junhee joked weakly. “Is that all?”
“Unless you want to hear about how I’m part sea urchin…”
Junhee snorted out a laugh and swatted at Baekhee over the table. “Get out of here.”
Baekhee got up and pulled Jungah with her, glad she’d been able to make Junhee laugh, but also knowing that she probably needed some time alone to gather her thoughts.
“That could have been worse?” Jungah observed when they stepped into the living room, vacant because Chanyeon was getting Sehee hooked on some new TV show in Baekhee’s and Chanyeon’s room.
“It could have been a lot worse,” Baekhee agreed, flopping down onto the couch and trying to will the excess anxiousness out of her body.
“Unnie didn’t scare you out of wanting to do this?” Jungah asked, settled in next to Baekhee and grabbing her wrist so she could play with her fingers.
“No, did she scare you?” Baekhee asked, gut clenching even though Jungah’s affectionate touches didn’t imply that she was wanting an out.
“Well, she scares me,” Jungah admitted with a chuckle, “but she didn’t make me not want to be with you.”
Baekhee smiled, shooting a quick glance toward the kitchen door before pecking Jungah on the lips.
“Thanks for standing up for me, by the way,” she added, nudging Jungah in the side playfully.
Jungah blushed, looking down. “Well, it wasn’t like you initiated it. If I hadn’t...you wouldn’t have…”
“Well, if I hadn’t, you wouldn’t have either,” Baekhee teased.
Giggling, Jungah buried her face in Baekhee’s neck, her breath against the sensitive skin making her shiver.
“Sorry,” Jungah said, pulling back when she realized what she’d done.
“You are not,” Baekhee huffed, feeling the flush of arousal on her cheeks from just that little stimulation.
“I am!” Jungah insisted, laughing at Baekhee’s put out look.
“We’ll see about that,” Baekhee promised, casually letting a hand slip across Jungah’s thigh to tease her fingers against the bare flesh where her shorts had ridden up before she moved away and plopped her feet in Jungah’s lap with a satisfied grin.
Jungah pouted at her, wiggling her legs to jostle Baekhee’s feet.
“I hope Kyungsoon stays with a friend again soon,” Jungah said, still huffy about Baekhee’s revenge, though the heaviness of her gaze gave her away.
Baekhee smirked, feeling herself pulse at just the idea of giving Jungah what she wanted. “I’m sure we can figure something out.”
---
Baekhee couldn’t help but bop and sway along to the song that was being performed onstage as she waited in the wings. The girls performing, rookies, were doing a good job, though Baekhee could see the wide eyed excitement on their faces that came with having just debuted. It was an extremely exciting, yet terrifying time. She wouldn’t trade it, but Baekhee was glad to be where she was- more established and definitely more comfortable in the spotlight.
A warm body against her back and arms draping over her shoulders had Baekhee grinning automatically, moving more so Jungah would sway with her.
Jungah hummed along to the song in her ear, taking over the swaying motion and moving her arms to Baekhee’s waist to keep them in sync.
It was almost like they were slow dancing together, Baekhee thought, smiling and feeling her heart flutter.
Little moments like this, that could be easily passed off as normal skinship between friends, made having to hide their relationship tolerable. Not being able to tell the members who didn’t know definitely sucked the most, but Baekhee comforted herself with the assurance that one day they would be able to.
Chanyeon remained supportive, and Junhee was surprisingly understanding about them always trying to room together when they went overseas. She didn’t allow it every time, but more often than not, she indulged them. Once the initial shock and panic wore off, she might have even thought they were a little sweet. Though she avoided saying as much because she probably didn’t want to endorse risky behavior.
Sometimes it really was tough, getting frustrated because they couldn’t just behave like a normal couple. But since they were both in the same position, they were able to find understanding in one another and push through those weeks where it seemed like they’d barely even had time to make eye contact.
But the hard times were made up for when it had been an exhausting day and they got to curl up together on the couch, gaining comfort from each other’s presence and sneaking around the corner by the bathroom to share a goodnight kiss out of sight.
“I like this song,” Jungah murmured in her ear, still moving Baekhee’s body to the beat of the music.
Baekhee hummed in agreement, lifting Jungah’s arm up to press a light kiss to her wrist.
As Jungah made a show of huffing and wiping the gloss that she’d left in her wake, Baekhee turned her head to shoot Jungah a grin. Jungah was smiling too.
Initially, Baekhee might have said that Jungah was the member she was least close to. In retrospect, that might not have even really been true. Now, though, Jungah knew her better than any of the members. Better than Chanyeon, even.
Baekhee caught Jungah’s eye as they prepared to go onstage to perform, and that single look said more than words ever could.
- Title taken from Mamamoo's song of the same name.
- Thank you to Ash for being my cheerleader! And Jen for looking this over for me <3
- Follow me on tumblr if you are so inclined.