time for another episode of "family drama"
fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK.
just got off the phone with my mom about an hour ago...gee, can you tell?!?! she asked me to come over one saturday this month so she could talk to me about some stuff...some stuff that she wouldn't even say what it was over the phone. it's not that i don't want to go over there or see her or anything like that...it's just that i don't really trust my parents, and neither does matt.
the last time i went over there alone they drugged me and put me in a battered women's shelter. my dad blocked the door and wouldn't let me through. then they took my car back and told me i had no choice but to go with them. i had to beg and fucking plead to be let out when i got to the place. they couldn't hold me there because there were no marks on me because guess what...i wasn't being abused! and when i got out, my parents wouldn't let me go to the memorial service for my brother (it was the one-year anniversary of his death and they were doing the unveiling of his tombstone...it's a jewish tradition) and then got mad at me when i didn't show up there anyway! so can you imagine why i don't trust them, and why matt doesn't? my dad called matt trash over the phone the night before all this shit happened. and they said that if i didn't come over thr next day and come alone, they'd arrest matt for grand theft auto.
i know this was a few years ago, and after not speaking to each other for almost three years, my mom and i at least have reconciled. but there's still a lot of unfinished business. and my mom isn't forcing me, but she told me she'd rather i come alone. and matt isn't having it that way. not that i blame him...but it's just making everything pretty hard on me, because i'm totally caught in the middle of an old fucking war of wills between matt and my dad. so basically what i'm going to do is this: after my birthday and after the concert if i go, i'm gonna call my mom and try to get her to tell me what she wants to talk about over the phone. i'm going to ask if my dad is going to be there, and if so i'm going to suggest that we meet somewhere else other than their house, so a fight won't break out or anything. and then - and this is the part i'm most nervous about - i'm going to tell my mom about matt's kids. because they don't know about them yet.
i know, i know...that's bad. i'm a bad daughter and an equally bad stepmother, and i should be shot, or at least have a few big rocks chucked my way. and i'm not really about to make excuses, because there really is none...i'm a chickenshit and there's my excuse. but the reason they didn't know from the beginning is because i knew full well that if they did know, they'd only try to break us up even more, to the point where they probably would have locked me up in my room and put out a restraining order on matt just because they didn't find him or his family or his life suitable for me. because as i've said, that's the kind of people they are. they're snobs and as much as they'll never admit it to anyone, as much as they'll lecture anyone about what kind of people they were in the '60's with all the civil rights movements they were involved in, they look down on people who aren't like them. and i didn't want them to do that with matt's kids. because those kids didn't ask to have the kind of life they do, you know? they didn't ask for the kind of mother they got stuck with. and the thought of my parents holding that against them, and against matt for making the mistake of being with their mother in the first place, was too much for me. so i held back the truth. and now i'm gonna have karma come around and bite me in the ass for it. but it's what i deserve for now being honest. and it's not even the dishonesty issue that's gonna shock them...it's also the religion issue. because matt's kids are not being raised jewish, and i'm not going to shove the religion down their throats just to make my parents happy. they can be whatever they want as far as i'm concerned, because i was never given that chance. i was guilted into believing what they did and just going with it for the sake of the family. which is why i don't really give a crap about any religion now, and why the stuff i believe is kind of "out there" to others.
but anyway...all i know is, i'm kinda nervous. i'm scared about what this means for the future of mine and my parents' relationship(familial relationship that is). what if they disown me? well, i've already been there and done that, since i figured they'd disowned me a long time ago but they surprised me by not doing it. i'm also scared about what this means for mine and my in-laws relationship. because if i don't tell my parents something soon, they might just get fed up and not talk to us because of that. i'm being pulled so many ways so tight that i feel like i'm just gonna pop. and i usually rise above stuff that happens to me, but this time, nothing's clear. and that really doesn't make me feel good. i've already lost my family once. i don't want to lose them again just as we're making progress.
and on an unrelated topic, what the fuckin' hell?!??! fox is gonna make it so i have to watch the oc to see the extended trailer for episode 3?! now that's just evil. just plain fuckin' evil. i'll bet the rest of you are squeeing your asses off about this. but i don't watch 90210-ey shows anymore so this is not cool. why couldn't they play it during House? i'm actually starting to get into that show (thank you notatracer and nematoddity :)
BYE
just got off the phone with my mom about an hour ago...gee, can you tell?!?! she asked me to come over one saturday this month so she could talk to me about some stuff...some stuff that she wouldn't even say what it was over the phone. it's not that i don't want to go over there or see her or anything like that...it's just that i don't really trust my parents, and neither does matt.
the last time i went over there alone they drugged me and put me in a battered women's shelter. my dad blocked the door and wouldn't let me through. then they took my car back and told me i had no choice but to go with them. i had to beg and fucking plead to be let out when i got to the place. they couldn't hold me there because there were no marks on me because guess what...i wasn't being abused! and when i got out, my parents wouldn't let me go to the memorial service for my brother (it was the one-year anniversary of his death and they were doing the unveiling of his tombstone...it's a jewish tradition) and then got mad at me when i didn't show up there anyway! so can you imagine why i don't trust them, and why matt doesn't? my dad called matt trash over the phone the night before all this shit happened. and they said that if i didn't come over thr next day and come alone, they'd arrest matt for grand theft auto.
i know this was a few years ago, and after not speaking to each other for almost three years, my mom and i at least have reconciled. but there's still a lot of unfinished business. and my mom isn't forcing me, but she told me she'd rather i come alone. and matt isn't having it that way. not that i blame him...but it's just making everything pretty hard on me, because i'm totally caught in the middle of an old fucking war of wills between matt and my dad. so basically what i'm going to do is this: after my birthday and after the concert if i go, i'm gonna call my mom and try to get her to tell me what she wants to talk about over the phone. i'm going to ask if my dad is going to be there, and if so i'm going to suggest that we meet somewhere else other than their house, so a fight won't break out or anything. and then - and this is the part i'm most nervous about - i'm going to tell my mom about matt's kids. because they don't know about them yet.
i know, i know...that's bad. i'm a bad daughter and an equally bad stepmother, and i should be shot, or at least have a few big rocks chucked my way. and i'm not really about to make excuses, because there really is none...i'm a chickenshit and there's my excuse. but the reason they didn't know from the beginning is because i knew full well that if they did know, they'd only try to break us up even more, to the point where they probably would have locked me up in my room and put out a restraining order on matt just because they didn't find him or his family or his life suitable for me. because as i've said, that's the kind of people they are. they're snobs and as much as they'll never admit it to anyone, as much as they'll lecture anyone about what kind of people they were in the '60's with all the civil rights movements they were involved in, they look down on people who aren't like them. and i didn't want them to do that with matt's kids. because those kids didn't ask to have the kind of life they do, you know? they didn't ask for the kind of mother they got stuck with. and the thought of my parents holding that against them, and against matt for making the mistake of being with their mother in the first place, was too much for me. so i held back the truth. and now i'm gonna have karma come around and bite me in the ass for it. but it's what i deserve for now being honest. and it's not even the dishonesty issue that's gonna shock them...it's also the religion issue. because matt's kids are not being raised jewish, and i'm not going to shove the religion down their throats just to make my parents happy. they can be whatever they want as far as i'm concerned, because i was never given that chance. i was guilted into believing what they did and just going with it for the sake of the family. which is why i don't really give a crap about any religion now, and why the stuff i believe is kind of "out there" to others.
but anyway...all i know is, i'm kinda nervous. i'm scared about what this means for the future of mine and my parents' relationship(familial relationship that is). what if they disown me? well, i've already been there and done that, since i figured they'd disowned me a long time ago but they surprised me by not doing it. i'm also scared about what this means for mine and my in-laws relationship. because if i don't tell my parents something soon, they might just get fed up and not talk to us because of that. i'm being pulled so many ways so tight that i feel like i'm just gonna pop. and i usually rise above stuff that happens to me, but this time, nothing's clear. and that really doesn't make me feel good. i've already lost my family once. i don't want to lose them again just as we're making progress.
and on an unrelated topic, what the fuckin' hell?!??! fox is gonna make it so i have to watch the oc to see the extended trailer for episode 3?! now that's just evil. just plain fuckin' evil. i'll bet the rest of you are squeeing your asses off about this. but i don't watch 90210-ey shows anymore so this is not cool. why couldn't they play it during House? i'm actually starting to get into that show (thank you notatracer and nematoddity :)
BYE