25. Reassessment and Rejuvination
So I've been quiet again. As they say: too quiet. You can insert your own creepy music here, I just don't quite have it in me right now. I also know I promised not to disappear...but I did again, nearly. Only not quite, and for different reasons. At least I didn't end up an alcoholic, though vodka was my friend for a little too long there. Appropriate parties can talk to me about this if they're worried. You know who you are.
Am I still depressed? Oh, probably. It's part of why I've been quiet -- though not for the same reasons as last time. I've been doing a lot of soul searching since last post, and a lot of pondering how to say certain things. Really, I meant to post two weeks ago, but I've been tossing out entries before putting them up before they're halfway done. It took me a bit to realize that was probably more the depression still and less the perfectionist in me.
So this entry won't be perfect. But I can live with that.
I'm considering this a new start. I won't post every day...but I don't have to. I've lost touch with some people I care a great deal about, because of this mess, and I don't like that. I don't like me right now, entirely. But I can live with that too. Me, right now, is not the me I'm stuck with. It's a me I'm actively working on fixing. On...mending.
The divorce isn't over, but there is still progress. Soon, and I will be "free". For as much as that's worth. It's not as if signing a piece of paper will change anything but legalities, I'm coming to realize. It is, certainly, a milestone, a point of closure in a certain sense. But in others? It's just formalizing something that's already long done and gone. I'll be free of the marriage...but I'll still be chained to myself and my memories, bound to my hopes and dreams and fears.
I've been questioning a lot of things. Actions. Feelings. Is there still that unnamed someone who reminds me of home out there? I'd be lying if I said not. But I'm questioning whether it matters, and whether I should be doing anything about it. Whether what I'm feeling is what I think I'm feeling. It's a little hard to sort out in the midst of the divorce, for one thing. And let's not even contemplate sorting it out from the other things going on right now. So for now...it's back burnered. Not the person, but doing anything about it, one way or another. Better to keep a dear friend than fuck it all up, right now.
And I know they say better to regret something you have done than something you haven't...but screw conventional wisdom, right now.
So in closing: I hope my friends will forgive me. Times are still hard, I won't say otherwise. Even when I haven't been here I've been thinking of you. Hopefully, one little step at a time, I can get back to where I want to be.
Can't do it if I don't try.
Am I still depressed? Oh, probably. It's part of why I've been quiet -- though not for the same reasons as last time. I've been doing a lot of soul searching since last post, and a lot of pondering how to say certain things. Really, I meant to post two weeks ago, but I've been tossing out entries before putting them up before they're halfway done. It took me a bit to realize that was probably more the depression still and less the perfectionist in me.
So this entry won't be perfect. But I can live with that.
I'm considering this a new start. I won't post every day...but I don't have to. I've lost touch with some people I care a great deal about, because of this mess, and I don't like that. I don't like me right now, entirely. But I can live with that too. Me, right now, is not the me I'm stuck with. It's a me I'm actively working on fixing. On...mending.
The divorce isn't over, but there is still progress. Soon, and I will be "free". For as much as that's worth. It's not as if signing a piece of paper will change anything but legalities, I'm coming to realize. It is, certainly, a milestone, a point of closure in a certain sense. But in others? It's just formalizing something that's already long done and gone. I'll be free of the marriage...but I'll still be chained to myself and my memories, bound to my hopes and dreams and fears.
I've been questioning a lot of things. Actions. Feelings. Is there still that unnamed someone who reminds me of home out there? I'd be lying if I said not. But I'm questioning whether it matters, and whether I should be doing anything about it. Whether what I'm feeling is what I think I'm feeling. It's a little hard to sort out in the midst of the divorce, for one thing. And let's not even contemplate sorting it out from the other things going on right now. So for now...it's back burnered. Not the person, but doing anything about it, one way or another. Better to keep a dear friend than fuck it all up, right now.
And I know they say better to regret something you have done than something you haven't...but screw conventional wisdom, right now.
So in closing: I hope my friends will forgive me. Times are still hard, I won't say otherwise. Even when I haven't been here I've been thinking of you. Hopefully, one little step at a time, I can get back to where I want to be.
Can't do it if I don't try.