The good, the bad and the ugly
You know when you have so many different thoughts from completely opposite spectrums of the infinite planes in your mind that you can’t think straight? Well that is how I’m feeling now. Don’t you worry, I’m not about to get all philosophical on you but it’s just that there has been so much on my plate recently that I don’t know how to reorganise myself into the efficient (may I add cold, heartless bitch) robot that I was and the truth is now that I’ve revealed such a vulnerable side of myself I can’t regress into being a kid again, a kid who was just hiding what she really wanted to say instead of hurting certain people but yes, I hear you cry, life is nowhere as simple as that. I’m digging myself countless holes as I speak. Right now, things are kind of messed up still. Not murky messy but messy all the same.
Half of me feels like crying and the over half feels like laughing. Due to see The Others tonight at Aura and had my ticket ready but something, call it intuition, I had a weird feeling something would go pear-shaped with my entry attempt. I don’t feel like going into the whole scenario because whilst I was pissed I didn’t get to fulfil my night, it was completely no-one’s fault that I was asked to leave due to lack of ID and it was pretty funny when you look back on it because it’s a classic situation, something to tell the kids right? It was a weird night, met with Vince, completely unintentionally so hung with him whilst waited for everybody else. VAT bar got taken on and things were pretty sociable I guess. Waiting out in the rain for my lift whilst everybody else was inside was hella depressing though but I went home and watched a programme featuring peculiarly shaped dildos, which made me giggle. Got texts of consolation from Lo, Sam and Nick, which was sweet of them but it wasn’t meant to be my night so they couldn’t really feel guilty about seeing me leave.
Anyhow, to what has really been troubling me. I went over to Sam’s today and as usual the conversation turned dark and intense, without our intentions. It’s just the way that it goes now, things will be different and are different. I dunno. He mentioned that all the physical stuff was just getting too weird and in a moment of carelessness he happened to twist it round so that it appeared entirely MY fault so naturally I flew off the handle. Sometimes he just doesn’t seem to understand the fragility of the situation-there’s been so much shit in the history between us now that it’s gotten to the stage whereby I can’t rewind myself to the time when I was really into him. Physical attraction alone does not mean a thing when you’re ‘in love’ with someone else (if I am indeed worthy enough to mirror that analogy) and I just find it so fucking difficult to constantly be reminding him that whilst maintaining the element of physical closeness when you’re in a real special friendship because he just has this crazy tendency to think it might mean more then he takes a look at me with those eyes then he makes me feel so damn guilty. And the fact that he keeps telling me he’s just kicking himself for not taking me on after Glasto and that I’m ‘gorgeous’ just hurts too much when I think about what might have been. Being so-called beautiful frankly means absolute jack because it’s never worked out to any good and I fucking run around too much chasing guys who say they’re not into me one minute then the next they throw that back in my face and make me feel so lost and they shouldn’t have a right to do that. Maybe it’s just because I’m so damn angry with the simple fact that things have not worked out so far and I have to face up to reality and fucking tell myself that they may never work out between us, whether it’s me and Sam (which has probably long gone down the pan anyway) and me and Nick. We had just started playing The Streets (‘Dry Your Eyes’) in Sam’s room when something he said about him and Nick having girls in the winter...the way he said it he sounded so damn wistful that right at that moment something inside me just stung like hell...and I thought back to the conversation me and Lorraine had about the way each of them left their marks so potently within ourselves and maybe this would forever be one-sided because they simply did not see us than just more than friends and we felt so hopeless at the situation. This thought connected with the thought of Lorraine, being so small and sad and fragile right at this moment and before I knew it all these tears started sliding down my face. I asked why the hell were they all so fucking high maintenance? And why did it always seem that we were the ones doing the running, trying to desperately hang on to the friendships, clawing at the edge of the group and unable to break these unfathomable bonds and at the same time they’d all seem impassive in some way or another whether or not we were there. If that makes any sense. It made me think back to a time at Glasto when me and Lorraine had a conversation with Amber, who told us she was very surprised and impressed to see that we had gotten so far. To make things a whole lot worse there’s always going to be a part of Nick and Dan in Lorraine and likewise there’s always going to be a part of Nick and Sam in me...and if anything were on the verge of happening between any of those pairings like it is now, it may never happen because we’re all so inextricably linked that it would be purely impossible to comprehend. And that thought sickens me to the core and saddens me to no end. I am so attached to Nick that it physically and mentally hurts. I always feel that me and Lorraine are constantly grabbing at false hopes and it hurts so, so much that we seem to make so much more of an effort with everybody than they do with us. Sure, we give them credit for being intense but fuck, there is no absolute rule to say that we’re just as intense people emotionally and probably even on a higher level because we’re women and we’ve had more than their fair share of shit. Sorry, I’m being selfish now and I don’t mean to be. I’m so frustrated, and perplexed and erratic. The more I think about it, I keep dissecting things around and around in my head further and new things keep cropping up about them that I most definitely don’t like. In fact, I’m not actually a very tolerant girl and they better deal with it fast. Like, even though I love love love Dan and Sam so very much the fact I went to all that trouble making them a piece of artwork each for their birthdays and the fact that each piece is now collecting dust at the bottom of the Gamblen’s marital bed because someone has no room on their wall and someone else couldn’t even be fucked to pick it up to take home pisses me off to no end. No one has EVER done anything like that for me and to even put in so much heart, soul and love into showing how much I care for them seems to mean absolutely NOTHING. And that fucking hurts more than ever. I just don’t see how I can feel the explosions I do for them when we experience the highs of our friendships and to think they that they are being universally felt between all of us to then seeming like it merely means a thing. I wish friendships were not so fucking toxic, or volatile.
I’ve made up my mind. I’m going to get trashed at Laura’s.
Half of me feels like crying and the over half feels like laughing. Due to see The Others tonight at Aura and had my ticket ready but something, call it intuition, I had a weird feeling something would go pear-shaped with my entry attempt. I don’t feel like going into the whole scenario because whilst I was pissed I didn’t get to fulfil my night, it was completely no-one’s fault that I was asked to leave due to lack of ID and it was pretty funny when you look back on it because it’s a classic situation, something to tell the kids right? It was a weird night, met with Vince, completely unintentionally so hung with him whilst waited for everybody else. VAT bar got taken on and things were pretty sociable I guess. Waiting out in the rain for my lift whilst everybody else was inside was hella depressing though but I went home and watched a programme featuring peculiarly shaped dildos, which made me giggle. Got texts of consolation from Lo, Sam and Nick, which was sweet of them but it wasn’t meant to be my night so they couldn’t really feel guilty about seeing me leave.
Anyhow, to what has really been troubling me. I went over to Sam’s today and as usual the conversation turned dark and intense, without our intentions. It’s just the way that it goes now, things will be different and are different. I dunno. He mentioned that all the physical stuff was just getting too weird and in a moment of carelessness he happened to twist it round so that it appeared entirely MY fault so naturally I flew off the handle. Sometimes he just doesn’t seem to understand the fragility of the situation-there’s been so much shit in the history between us now that it’s gotten to the stage whereby I can’t rewind myself to the time when I was really into him. Physical attraction alone does not mean a thing when you’re ‘in love’ with someone else (if I am indeed worthy enough to mirror that analogy) and I just find it so fucking difficult to constantly be reminding him that whilst maintaining the element of physical closeness when you’re in a real special friendship because he just has this crazy tendency to think it might mean more then he takes a look at me with those eyes then he makes me feel so damn guilty. And the fact that he keeps telling me he’s just kicking himself for not taking me on after Glasto and that I’m ‘gorgeous’ just hurts too much when I think about what might have been. Being so-called beautiful frankly means absolute jack because it’s never worked out to any good and I fucking run around too much chasing guys who say they’re not into me one minute then the next they throw that back in my face and make me feel so lost and they shouldn’t have a right to do that. Maybe it’s just because I’m so damn angry with the simple fact that things have not worked out so far and I have to face up to reality and fucking tell myself that they may never work out between us, whether it’s me and Sam (which has probably long gone down the pan anyway) and me and Nick. We had just started playing The Streets (‘Dry Your Eyes’) in Sam’s room when something he said about him and Nick having girls in the winter...the way he said it he sounded so damn wistful that right at that moment something inside me just stung like hell...and I thought back to the conversation me and Lorraine had about the way each of them left their marks so potently within ourselves and maybe this would forever be one-sided because they simply did not see us than just more than friends and we felt so hopeless at the situation. This thought connected with the thought of Lorraine, being so small and sad and fragile right at this moment and before I knew it all these tears started sliding down my face. I asked why the hell were they all so fucking high maintenance? And why did it always seem that we were the ones doing the running, trying to desperately hang on to the friendships, clawing at the edge of the group and unable to break these unfathomable bonds and at the same time they’d all seem impassive in some way or another whether or not we were there. If that makes any sense. It made me think back to a time at Glasto when me and Lorraine had a conversation with Amber, who told us she was very surprised and impressed to see that we had gotten so far. To make things a whole lot worse there’s always going to be a part of Nick and Dan in Lorraine and likewise there’s always going to be a part of Nick and Sam in me...and if anything were on the verge of happening between any of those pairings like it is now, it may never happen because we’re all so inextricably linked that it would be purely impossible to comprehend. And that thought sickens me to the core and saddens me to no end. I am so attached to Nick that it physically and mentally hurts. I always feel that me and Lorraine are constantly grabbing at false hopes and it hurts so, so much that we seem to make so much more of an effort with everybody than they do with us. Sure, we give them credit for being intense but fuck, there is no absolute rule to say that we’re just as intense people emotionally and probably even on a higher level because we’re women and we’ve had more than their fair share of shit. Sorry, I’m being selfish now and I don’t mean to be. I’m so frustrated, and perplexed and erratic. The more I think about it, I keep dissecting things around and around in my head further and new things keep cropping up about them that I most definitely don’t like. In fact, I’m not actually a very tolerant girl and they better deal with it fast. Like, even though I love love love Dan and Sam so very much the fact I went to all that trouble making them a piece of artwork each for their birthdays and the fact that each piece is now collecting dust at the bottom of the Gamblen’s marital bed because someone has no room on their wall and someone else couldn’t even be fucked to pick it up to take home pisses me off to no end. No one has EVER done anything like that for me and to even put in so much heart, soul and love into showing how much I care for them seems to mean absolutely NOTHING. And that fucking hurts more than ever. I just don’t see how I can feel the explosions I do for them when we experience the highs of our friendships and to think they that they are being universally felt between all of us to then seeming like it merely means a thing. I wish friendships were not so fucking toxic, or volatile.
I’ve made up my mind. I’m going to get trashed at Laura’s.