FUCK YOUR CONSCIENCE
Dear Sam,
And once again I find myself putting words onto paper. Maybe its because I find it so hard to speak to you these days without preparing myself or getting too choked up. I don’t know, it was never meant to be this way. I feel like the ex, or rather the ex-friend that you entrusted with your feelings/thoughts/confusion, and then so easily discarded when you got scared. What are you afraid of, Sam? I hope one day you can tell me.
At the moment I’m all at lost. When I saw you and Alice together on Sunday night everything I’d worked so hard to build back up-our friendship, my pride, my respect for both of us-fell apart again. Everyone tells me you do still care for me-as a friend at the least-but I’m starting to doubt all over as to whether our ‘friendship’ was just a forgery, something that kept you preoccupied until something better came along anyway. I am hoping (perhaps in vain) that you’re beginning to realise how much you tore my heart, even thought that probably means nothing to you now. When I tried to walk away after our conversation on Saturday I thought I’d renewed our bond and fooled myself into thinking that perhaps we’d be close again. I’m sincerely sorry if these words are hurting you, you must forgive me and hold it in your heart that I’m writing this out of anger. I feel betrayed and I know you’ve felt it, too. So you understand, Sam.
But now, I don’t think I want to walk away. I may be kidding myself through your eyes but this is a case of unfinished business if I ever stumbled across one. It may be one-sided but it’s as real and harsh to me as it would ever be to the both of us. I’d be lying through my teeth if I didn’t want you to read this and feel a stab of guilt. I am far too honest and vulnerable for my own good. So now you know. I say this intentionally to ask whether you did it out of spite/some form of petty retribution or ‘payback’ or whether it was just out of drunken lust that you couldn’t at least WAIT until I was ok with it (with me being once considered one of your best friends) or whether you genuinely wanted her all along (even when you told me you felt something for me)...but I honestly wonder.
Friendship is sacred and I honestly don’t think you knew how much I was hurting until you began deciphering this...and right now you know I don’t want to speak to you. This isn’t out of childishness but out of sheer frustration at how such betrayal is irrevocable, all the more potent by the absence of acknowledgment or an apology. Not that you ever felt I was worth an apology. When you were in this position, I NEVER stopped hating myself for what I’d done to you because I admitted I was cold and heartless. I just wish you could do the same for me.
It really pains me to know that you don’t know when I’m down anymore. It doesn’t matter that I cry over you sporadically because my tears don’t affect you like they used to. Do you remember when we sat on that bench outside the Old Library on Saturday afternoon, talking and talking about things close to our heart that mattered? It seems like it was years ago and I torture myself in going over and over again in this stupid head of mine as to how and where it all went wrong. I felt so close to you that day, seeing that you finally understood my loneliness around my family and what it was like to be aimlessly floating between two cultural barriers. I cried but you taught me not to be ashamed or hold it in and you wiped away those tears and made me smile even thought I was being superficial as usual and worrying about my cheap mascara.
Again, with phone calls I’d come away feeling so much better. I grew, learnt, developed to rely on you and in some ways it was wrong but I never stopped going to you. I think that was it. Everything I’d come to let go after Glasto came back in an instant. I knew you saw through me when I lied and said I no longer felt anything. When you told me you had started to return it (yes, without saying you wanted to take it further) and you were (and I quote:) “kicking yourself” for not doing anything after I gave you this <3 the first time round, I was completely dumbfounded. I know they say feelings change but it was too crazy to be true. I thought for the first time this was what it was like to have something so turbulent/powerful/incredible to be returned. I’d been denied it for so long, I didn’t think straight and out of a ‘loyalty’ that was twisted I threw it away and ended up almost throwing away my friendships with both you and Nick. Ok, I think I’ve explained it so many times I don’t need to say that again so I’ll stop reliving the fucked-up triangle here and now. There. All I have to cling onto is memories.
Hey. I think you know what I’m going to say. Sam, you’ve implanted so many doubts in my head as to what your words ever really meant. Did they mean ANYTHING at all? It’s hard for me to accept that you could say those things to someone who’d already been hurt once by your rejection (which, may I add, was the nicest you’d ever satisfied me with and I thank you from the bottom of my heart, x) if you never meant them because you knew I was ready to give everything away to you again. It was harsh and I sincerely hope you did once speak of the truth. It’s just unfathomable as to how easy you found it in walking away from me when I needed (still need) you the most. Like it never counted. Like you could just dismiss me as another poor soul who was hopelessly infatuated. People don’t walk away that easy. But you may just have proven you’re an exception and much as it pains me to say, you’re over me. It doesn’t stop me from being angry at how you could shut me out. I wasn’t asking you to fall in love with me (how absurd does that sound? Desperate? Ack) but to just give us a small chance to see what we could make. I thought, kidded myself that we’d make sense of our mad friendship/relationship together because we couldn’t do it alone. We were inseparable, we have so much in common and I love your friends and you love mine and we’re both naive and so young. It hurts to see you pushing me away and blocking me from your mind. Even though our bond could so easily have developed through time. Do you ever think about how amazing it could work out to be? We don’t know what’s around the corner. What’s that quote-‘ We were all born with wings...it’s just how we learn to use them that makes us beautiful’-or something like that. If it didn’t work out, we’d stay friends and we’d both at least find some peace of mind knowing we’d been courageous enough to take the opportunity and TRY. You just weren’t ready to take that risk with me.
I’ve said everything I could possibly say, and more. One day, I know you’ll understand that even though I’m scared we’ll never get over this or get over you I wrote this out of what I remember of our amazing friendship. You’ve touched me in more ways imaginable and I love you so much, as a friend and...I think you know the rest. I’ll never forget this. And as much as I say I hate you now, it’s only because I’m a coward and I’m so ready to give my heart for you all over again.
And once again I find myself putting words onto paper. Maybe its because I find it so hard to speak to you these days without preparing myself or getting too choked up. I don’t know, it was never meant to be this way. I feel like the ex, or rather the ex-friend that you entrusted with your feelings/thoughts/confusion, and then so easily discarded when you got scared. What are you afraid of, Sam? I hope one day you can tell me.
At the moment I’m all at lost. When I saw you and Alice together on Sunday night everything I’d worked so hard to build back up-our friendship, my pride, my respect for both of us-fell apart again. Everyone tells me you do still care for me-as a friend at the least-but I’m starting to doubt all over as to whether our ‘friendship’ was just a forgery, something that kept you preoccupied until something better came along anyway. I am hoping (perhaps in vain) that you’re beginning to realise how much you tore my heart, even thought that probably means nothing to you now. When I tried to walk away after our conversation on Saturday I thought I’d renewed our bond and fooled myself into thinking that perhaps we’d be close again. I’m sincerely sorry if these words are hurting you, you must forgive me and hold it in your heart that I’m writing this out of anger. I feel betrayed and I know you’ve felt it, too. So you understand, Sam.
But now, I don’t think I want to walk away. I may be kidding myself through your eyes but this is a case of unfinished business if I ever stumbled across one. It may be one-sided but it’s as real and harsh to me as it would ever be to the both of us. I’d be lying through my teeth if I didn’t want you to read this and feel a stab of guilt. I am far too honest and vulnerable for my own good. So now you know. I say this intentionally to ask whether you did it out of spite/some form of petty retribution or ‘payback’ or whether it was just out of drunken lust that you couldn’t at least WAIT until I was ok with it (with me being once considered one of your best friends) or whether you genuinely wanted her all along (even when you told me you felt something for me)...but I honestly wonder.
Friendship is sacred and I honestly don’t think you knew how much I was hurting until you began deciphering this...and right now you know I don’t want to speak to you. This isn’t out of childishness but out of sheer frustration at how such betrayal is irrevocable, all the more potent by the absence of acknowledgment or an apology. Not that you ever felt I was worth an apology. When you were in this position, I NEVER stopped hating myself for what I’d done to you because I admitted I was cold and heartless. I just wish you could do the same for me.
It really pains me to know that you don’t know when I’m down anymore. It doesn’t matter that I cry over you sporadically because my tears don’t affect you like they used to. Do you remember when we sat on that bench outside the Old Library on Saturday afternoon, talking and talking about things close to our heart that mattered? It seems like it was years ago and I torture myself in going over and over again in this stupid head of mine as to how and where it all went wrong. I felt so close to you that day, seeing that you finally understood my loneliness around my family and what it was like to be aimlessly floating between two cultural barriers. I cried but you taught me not to be ashamed or hold it in and you wiped away those tears and made me smile even thought I was being superficial as usual and worrying about my cheap mascara.
Again, with phone calls I’d come away feeling so much better. I grew, learnt, developed to rely on you and in some ways it was wrong but I never stopped going to you. I think that was it. Everything I’d come to let go after Glasto came back in an instant. I knew you saw through me when I lied and said I no longer felt anything. When you told me you had started to return it (yes, without saying you wanted to take it further) and you were (and I quote:) “kicking yourself” for not doing anything after I gave you this <3 the first time round, I was completely dumbfounded. I know they say feelings change but it was too crazy to be true. I thought for the first time this was what it was like to have something so turbulent/powerful/incredible to be returned. I’d been denied it for so long, I didn’t think straight and out of a ‘loyalty’ that was twisted I threw it away and ended up almost throwing away my friendships with both you and Nick. Ok, I think I’ve explained it so many times I don’t need to say that again so I’ll stop reliving the fucked-up triangle here and now. There. All I have to cling onto is memories.
Hey. I think you know what I’m going to say. Sam, you’ve implanted so many doubts in my head as to what your words ever really meant. Did they mean ANYTHING at all? It’s hard for me to accept that you could say those things to someone who’d already been hurt once by your rejection (which, may I add, was the nicest you’d ever satisfied me with and I thank you from the bottom of my heart, x) if you never meant them because you knew I was ready to give everything away to you again. It was harsh and I sincerely hope you did once speak of the truth. It’s just unfathomable as to how easy you found it in walking away from me when I needed (still need) you the most. Like it never counted. Like you could just dismiss me as another poor soul who was hopelessly infatuated. People don’t walk away that easy. But you may just have proven you’re an exception and much as it pains me to say, you’re over me. It doesn’t stop me from being angry at how you could shut me out. I wasn’t asking you to fall in love with me (how absurd does that sound? Desperate? Ack) but to just give us a small chance to see what we could make. I thought, kidded myself that we’d make sense of our mad friendship/relationship together because we couldn’t do it alone. We were inseparable, we have so much in common and I love your friends and you love mine and we’re both naive and so young. It hurts to see you pushing me away and blocking me from your mind. Even though our bond could so easily have developed through time. Do you ever think about how amazing it could work out to be? We don’t know what’s around the corner. What’s that quote-‘ We were all born with wings...it’s just how we learn to use them that makes us beautiful’-or something like that. If it didn’t work out, we’d stay friends and we’d both at least find some peace of mind knowing we’d been courageous enough to take the opportunity and TRY. You just weren’t ready to take that risk with me.
I’ve said everything I could possibly say, and more. One day, I know you’ll understand that even though I’m scared we’ll never get over this or get over you I wrote this out of what I remember of our amazing friendship. You’ve touched me in more ways imaginable and I love you so much, as a friend and...I think you know the rest. I’ll never forget this. And as much as I say I hate you now, it’s only because I’m a coward and I’m so ready to give my heart for you all over again.