Bathos
Good news first, bad news last. Because I'm morbid and I want to leave you in light of my sadness. I got my first university offer from Southampton yesterday, which was a huge relief. I made a new journal layout.
Yes, as you can guess sadly last night was a major anti-climax. And we're not talking minor details here but serious upset on my part anyway. Sorry, I don't mean to sound egotistical.
I've decided to admit I am terminally lovesick. Ew. I hate these words that are coming out of my mouth. I've taken to compulsive comfort eating of salami slices and Maltesers. I appreciate this may be constructivism but in my mind I cannot comprehend that two people can come so close to something absolutely incredible and one of them decides to walk away. I never even stood a chance. I'm not even asking for a second chance because I was never granted one to start off with, and it's another stab in the wound. I've lost all my dignity and pride because nothing matters to me anymore but him. And the worse thing is? He makes me feel like I should be grateful even for his sympathy. I'm so unhappy and disconnected right now, I truly don't know what to do, I'm besides myself with anger, confusion, bewilderment, hurt. I can list all the adjectives in the world and even that won't adequately encompass everything I'm feeling. I want to cry all the time. When I see him, anything that remotely reminds me of him, my throat is strangely hollow and dry. He doesn't give a fuck. Nick doesn't seem to care about me anymore. Dan is horribly rude to me on the phone and doesn't even look at me twice, let alone talk to me these days, when Loz is around. I can't talk to Robbie about this, because we're on completely different planets on personal issues. I feel so distant from Jay and Kerr all the time. I feel so guilty offloading on all my girls and I shouldn't because I would do the same for them. I'm so narcissistic.
Yes last night. Rosie came over in the evening and we got ready with some handy vodka. Twas hilarious because I persuaded her to let me put on some electric blue eyeliner on her but I pissed myself everytime my hand got near her eye and ended up drawing all over the eyelid...We went to the Perkin around 9ish-bumped into Nick's ex, Alice Brazier-then went into the club, which was hassle-free. Found Lorraine, Alice, Sally and Laura but we snuck into the bar with our Validate UK so we had a few drinks whilst we still could. The guys soon arrived but they'd stopped letting people in with validate and none of them could get in so Rosie came up with the idea of going to the pub. Rosie, me, Sam, Nick, Sal, Rob and Alice all went to the Perkin to get a few drinks but before long we were all IDd again and not everyone had brought driving licences so we had to troop back to Aura. By that time the queue to get in had swollen to monstrous proportions and the bouncers were on a fucking disgusting powertrip so the wankers had great enjoyment in pushing everyone around. Everyone was so pissed off as the wait was almost an hour long but we were finally allowed back in. Once more, me and Rosie sneaked off into the bar and spent ages talking to Becky Trenner, who IRONICALLY thought me and Nick were together but never saw it confirmed so I corrected her and told her it didn't really happen because it was too complicated.
The rest of the evening was poor. The music was highly unimpressive, played by the worse DJ I have ever heard so I hardly danced, which was so weird as I usually get so lost in sound. The Sam Situation got from borderline to desperate. I wrote him a quick letter in explanation with my last shred of hope but I don't think it will make much difference. I was so compelled for a reason as to why he had avoided any eye contact with me the whole day and it had really upset me so I demanded an explanation after we left Aura. He tried to deny it but in the end he admitted it was 'hard', whatever that means. He was pretty adamant. I guess I have to let go but I can assure you, it will be the hardest thing for me to deal with just yet.
Yes, as you can guess sadly last night was a major anti-climax. And we're not talking minor details here but serious upset on my part anyway. Sorry, I don't mean to sound egotistical.
I've decided to admit I am terminally lovesick. Ew. I hate these words that are coming out of my mouth. I've taken to compulsive comfort eating of salami slices and Maltesers. I appreciate this may be constructivism but in my mind I cannot comprehend that two people can come so close to something absolutely incredible and one of them decides to walk away. I never even stood a chance. I'm not even asking for a second chance because I was never granted one to start off with, and it's another stab in the wound. I've lost all my dignity and pride because nothing matters to me anymore but him. And the worse thing is? He makes me feel like I should be grateful even for his sympathy. I'm so unhappy and disconnected right now, I truly don't know what to do, I'm besides myself with anger, confusion, bewilderment, hurt. I can list all the adjectives in the world and even that won't adequately encompass everything I'm feeling. I want to cry all the time. When I see him, anything that remotely reminds me of him, my throat is strangely hollow and dry. He doesn't give a fuck. Nick doesn't seem to care about me anymore. Dan is horribly rude to me on the phone and doesn't even look at me twice, let alone talk to me these days, when Loz is around. I can't talk to Robbie about this, because we're on completely different planets on personal issues. I feel so distant from Jay and Kerr all the time. I feel so guilty offloading on all my girls and I shouldn't because I would do the same for them. I'm so narcissistic.
Yes last night. Rosie came over in the evening and we got ready with some handy vodka. Twas hilarious because I persuaded her to let me put on some electric blue eyeliner on her but I pissed myself everytime my hand got near her eye and ended up drawing all over the eyelid...We went to the Perkin around 9ish-bumped into Nick's ex, Alice Brazier-then went into the club, which was hassle-free. Found Lorraine, Alice, Sally and Laura but we snuck into the bar with our Validate UK so we had a few drinks whilst we still could. The guys soon arrived but they'd stopped letting people in with validate and none of them could get in so Rosie came up with the idea of going to the pub. Rosie, me, Sam, Nick, Sal, Rob and Alice all went to the Perkin to get a few drinks but before long we were all IDd again and not everyone had brought driving licences so we had to troop back to Aura. By that time the queue to get in had swollen to monstrous proportions and the bouncers were on a fucking disgusting powertrip so the wankers had great enjoyment in pushing everyone around. Everyone was so pissed off as the wait was almost an hour long but we were finally allowed back in. Once more, me and Rosie sneaked off into the bar and spent ages talking to Becky Trenner, who IRONICALLY thought me and Nick were together but never saw it confirmed so I corrected her and told her it didn't really happen because it was too complicated.
The rest of the evening was poor. The music was highly unimpressive, played by the worse DJ I have ever heard so I hardly danced, which was so weird as I usually get so lost in sound. The Sam Situation got from borderline to desperate. I wrote him a quick letter in explanation with my last shred of hope but I don't think it will make much difference. I was so compelled for a reason as to why he had avoided any eye contact with me the whole day and it had really upset me so I demanded an explanation after we left Aura. He tried to deny it but in the end he admitted it was 'hard', whatever that means. He was pretty adamant. I guess I have to let go but I can assure you, it will be the hardest thing for me to deal with just yet.