Pain and Hindsight [1/1] Star Wars, Allies AU, Tahiri
This one-shot contains spoilers. It is an AU of FotJ Allies.
Galactic Alliance Security: Mid-Level Prison
This is what it feels like to be Tahiri Veila right now, trapped in your cell, knowing you're pathetic, waiting to die, but wanting to do one last bit of good before you do: you sit there, knowing it is a tease. Why else would they put a trained Jedi in an under secured prison? You know it is your wonderful Chief of State's way of saying, "Escape. Show me your guilt. Stay? I'll tear you apart." You're pissed, but you're determined to follow the law. You've hurt the Jedi enough; you know you're Natasi Dalla's weapon to strike the Jedi. You want to help the Jedi; you want to show that Jedi do follow the law. You want your death to help them. You want to repent. Maybe then, he can forgive you.
You finger your sleeve, running your finger across the 280407 that marks your guilt. You feel the number absently under your finger, a frown upon your face. It passes. You felt something, but you fail to trust your instincts. Your emotions are in a swirl.
You came clean today. At trial. You told of your dirty past, your relationship to Darth Caedus. You told of your secret fear, back then, your fear of dying. Your fear that one mistake, one bad mood, one disagreement would end with a lightsaber to your heart, or tendrils of electricity reducing you to ashes. You were a fool, you realize. He would not have done so, you know, now. It was an irrational fear born of a true fear: you really obeyed him for those small glimpses of your love.
You never once questioned a command, until you found out the truth: you will never bring him back.
You never questioned his requests, his desires, his commands: learn this skill, this move, bring your ship here, that fleet there. Negotiate, threaten. Kill.
Come to me. Follow me to my quarters. "Join me", he said, there. And you did.
You didn't resist. You felt with each bit of pleasure you could offer your master, he was surely going to teach you his skills. You felt you were crawling closer to your goal. But, you weren't. You know that now. You thought he cared about your goal. You thought he cared about you: "You're the only one who hasn't betrayed me," he had whispered one night. He may have, in his own way, cared for you: as a pet.
You were a pet; something to play with. His toy. At least, that is what your defense is arguing. Well, without any hint of what little affection there may have been.
But, in your heart, you know it is a lie. You're guilty. You're pathetic. You let yourself be used. You can't hate Caedus. You can't blame your master. You may have started with good intentions, he may have twisted you, but you chose.
You can only hate yourself. You betrayed him, your love. You betrayed him by sleeping with his brother, fighting his family, and turning against the Jedi Order he died for.
You hate yourself. You're pathetic. You don't deserve to live. And, when your danger sense flares, you smile through the bitter taste of tears on your lips.