Turtle Story: The Butter story Part 2
A loud moan burst from Mikey as Leo’s fingers dragged across that something inside of him again that not only made stars burst before his eyes, but made his whole body want to curl and writhe desperately in the amazing pleasure of it all. “Leo~o!” he cried out.
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But, I do need to point out a few things with you.
You need to pay better attention to your grammar. Your words seem to get mixed up, like... when you switch so that the characters are thinking, you need to do something that alerts the reader of the switch. Such as italics, or one of these ~ or * ya know?
Also, *grimaces* I don't like how this one part ended. It's too abrupt, and a mistake made easily with new writers. To keep the story flowing smoothly, you should have slowly weened out the chapter.
Perhaps had Raph growling, saying something along the lines of maybe "Fine, I'll take a damn shower, a cold shower, but that door better damn well be open when I get back, ya hear?!"
Or something >>
Also, so far I see you using their names too much. It's good that you tried to get some other ways in their, like 'their red bandanded brother' things like that are nice. Just try not to over use their nicknames.
It's too repetitive and doesn't make for a good read. You do have a tendency to over-use descriptive words as well.
You should try to use other words, expand your vocabulary in order to stop that. I'm not trying to be mean. I swear, I just think that you use words like 'spike' or 'lust' too much when there are plenty of other ways to describe it.
That's just a few things to watch out for the next time you write.
Also...*wigs* really sorry about this, please don't think I'm blasting you. But just to let you know, Leo seems really OOC here.
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