here we go
Well, thanks to my little cousin Gigi for reminding me this thing even existed. It's been close to two years since my last update. It is kind of funny to re-read some of this stuff. I'm way more melodramatic than I remember. I mean, I know I am a big sissy but god damn!
I think I have learned more about myself in the last 6 months than I have in the last 10 years. Love is a pretty amazing thing, all the stuff it can do to somebody. Funny, she was everything important to me and I only have one post on livejournal that mentions her in one sentence. So maybe she really wasn't that big of a deal after all. I've been through my fair share of rough break-ups, and I'm sure I have done it to one or two girls...nobody's perfect. But this was something I had never felt before. There were sacrifices I made, changes I made, I've never worked harder in a relationship. I never loved anyone more. Everyone says "Oh we're going to get married and blah blah blah", well, this is the only relationship I have been in where I knew that's what I wanted. I wanted to be with her forever. I couldn't see down the path of my life for shit, but when I did I envisioned her with me every step of the way. And it was all I wanted out of life. There's not really any other way to describe it. I loved her more than I loved anything, more than I loved life, music, pizza, whatever. Love love love. I'm not going to go into the details of anything, not with this, because now, retrospectively, there's nothing here that deserves to really be mentioned. Nothing to dignify with rememberence and conversation.
Because you see, the person you love the most is the person in the prime position to stab you in the back. She was a fucking snake. I couldn't see it at the time, but her heart pumps black tar and her vagina is made of ice (well that I could see at the time; not going into details). Whatever soul she had was swallowed by her own bloated pride and self-admiration. And yes, I am bitter. Because I poured every ounce of love into our relationship and it was for nothing. And not just for the last week we together or something like that. No, she told me, for the last year. Since she left for an internship in Washington D.C. in January 2008. I'll never understand how someone can let somebody tell them "I love you" and say it back with a smile and a kiss when they know, absolutely KNOW, they're lying through thier teeth. And she continued to lie through her teeth when she told me, why she was breaking up with me, and that it wasn't because she found someone else, and then has a boyfriend two days later. It is a betrayal in every sense of the word. Treason of the heart.
And of course, I fell to the bottom. I'm pretty sure those places in human existence and thought are where people go before they die. I cried almost every time I talked to my mom on the phone...cried myself to sleep, cried at work. And actually I don't think that's melodramatic of me to say, because it's the truth. And it was with good reason. After all I had my heart ripped out of my chest, eaten whole, shat out and flushed down the toilet. (Ok, that was probably too melodramatic but for the sake of comedic relief). I drove to see Zeek at Circle K and everything clicked, I knew she had left me for someone and lied to my face, and I called my mom and cried in the car for at least half an hour.
At the time I didn't know what I do now, the kind of person she is, the facade she puts up to draw suckers like me in, thinking she's the best thing since sliced toast. I thought she was my perfect Shaylene. And I must've done something. It's always my fault, I mean it has been since I started having relationships. I thought, "How could the girl I love do this to me?". Then I thought, "No, this isn't her, this is someone else, someone new. The girl I love has been taken from me and this replacement is not the same person. She is in there somewhere". ANd it really felt like that for a while. But it wasn't my fault. She was a liar, and a backstabber, and it had nothing to do with me. This new Shaylene isn't a replacement at all, this is who she was the whole god damn time, and I couldn't see it because I had the love blinders on. And after two years of hard work and dedication and devotion that wasn't what I deserved one fucking bit. I understand if someone doesn't feel like they want to be with somebody, yes, by all means get yourself into a situation where you can be happy and experience love in way that is true to yourself. But that's not what this was. Because she felt like that for a long time, and did not love me, but still said she did, till she found a suitable person to jump ship too. I was there to pass her time or something, I don't know. And there I was, thinking "Boy it's great to know this is the last relationship I'm ever going to be in, that I am going to hold this one person till the day I die, and it is an amazing thing".
And let me tell you, if you've read this thing I'm sure you can tell I have been disillusioned by love, well that pales in comparison to this. Because those times, it wasn't really love. I thought it might have been, but I didn't know what love was. I was fucking 18 years old. If that. You have no idea what love is. Let alone true love. And that's what I had. It is without a doubt what I was giving, I know now it wasn't what I was receiving but not at the time. I hope I never feel that terrible about anything again. Because it isn't fun, in the slightest.
But you know what, it didn't take me long to recover from it. Actually, I can say I am over it 100%. I still get pissed off thinking about it, so maybe that isn't a 100%, but who wouldn't? I got over it a lot quicker than I thought I would. I mean, it used to take me years. Years! But this person is undeserving of my love. She didn't deserve it then, when we were together, I know that now. And she doesn't deserve my unrequited love now. Mainly thanks to the help of my parents, and my friends, I was able to realize all these things. There is a girl out there that does deserve my admiration, and not only that, but wants it. Shaylene didn't. Oh she definitely wanted to be admired, but I think you get the difference. And I have done some things that were huge amounts of fun, and I was able to do them without any restrictions on myself. I went to Coachella with Krystle, and that was a kick ass time. I hiked around mountains, with Bryan and Ezekiel and Bubba and those were great times too. Everything I needed to remind me that just because love sucker punched you in the dick, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. And that there are other things you have to be happy about, not just because you are in love with someone. One of the main problems I have is when I am in a relationship I rely on it for my happiness. And of course you're going to be happy in a relationship, but if that's what makes you happy, and it's taken away, well, look at me. I know now you have to be happy first, and that relationship will just add to the goodness that you are experiencing. A relatinship that is worth having should not hinder you, or boss you around or make you feel shitty, it is a partnership where two people that want to be with each other can help each other out, on the same level. One isn't above the other, it's fucking teamwork. Shaylene doesn't get that. I doubt she ever will. Hopefully she will one day and she can get a little more out of life. I get it now.
And now I am in a relationship that is a whole lot more fun than my last one. Things are good, and I will dive into all that stuff later. This post is already long enough. So yeah, I'll update again soon with more fun stuff.
I think I have learned more about myself in the last 6 months than I have in the last 10 years. Love is a pretty amazing thing, all the stuff it can do to somebody. Funny, she was everything important to me and I only have one post on livejournal that mentions her in one sentence. So maybe she really wasn't that big of a deal after all. I've been through my fair share of rough break-ups, and I'm sure I have done it to one or two girls...nobody's perfect. But this was something I had never felt before. There were sacrifices I made, changes I made, I've never worked harder in a relationship. I never loved anyone more. Everyone says "Oh we're going to get married and blah blah blah", well, this is the only relationship I have been in where I knew that's what I wanted. I wanted to be with her forever. I couldn't see down the path of my life for shit, but when I did I envisioned her with me every step of the way. And it was all I wanted out of life. There's not really any other way to describe it. I loved her more than I loved anything, more than I loved life, music, pizza, whatever. Love love love. I'm not going to go into the details of anything, not with this, because now, retrospectively, there's nothing here that deserves to really be mentioned. Nothing to dignify with rememberence and conversation.
Because you see, the person you love the most is the person in the prime position to stab you in the back. She was a fucking snake. I couldn't see it at the time, but her heart pumps black tar and her vagina is made of ice (well that I could see at the time; not going into details). Whatever soul she had was swallowed by her own bloated pride and self-admiration. And yes, I am bitter. Because I poured every ounce of love into our relationship and it was for nothing. And not just for the last week we together or something like that. No, she told me, for the last year. Since she left for an internship in Washington D.C. in January 2008. I'll never understand how someone can let somebody tell them "I love you" and say it back with a smile and a kiss when they know, absolutely KNOW, they're lying through thier teeth. And she continued to lie through her teeth when she told me, why she was breaking up with me, and that it wasn't because she found someone else, and then has a boyfriend two days later. It is a betrayal in every sense of the word. Treason of the heart.
And of course, I fell to the bottom. I'm pretty sure those places in human existence and thought are where people go before they die. I cried almost every time I talked to my mom on the phone...cried myself to sleep, cried at work. And actually I don't think that's melodramatic of me to say, because it's the truth. And it was with good reason. After all I had my heart ripped out of my chest, eaten whole, shat out and flushed down the toilet. (Ok, that was probably too melodramatic but for the sake of comedic relief). I drove to see Zeek at Circle K and everything clicked, I knew she had left me for someone and lied to my face, and I called my mom and cried in the car for at least half an hour.
At the time I didn't know what I do now, the kind of person she is, the facade she puts up to draw suckers like me in, thinking she's the best thing since sliced toast. I thought she was my perfect Shaylene. And I must've done something. It's always my fault, I mean it has been since I started having relationships. I thought, "How could the girl I love do this to me?". Then I thought, "No, this isn't her, this is someone else, someone new. The girl I love has been taken from me and this replacement is not the same person. She is in there somewhere". ANd it really felt like that for a while. But it wasn't my fault. She was a liar, and a backstabber, and it had nothing to do with me. This new Shaylene isn't a replacement at all, this is who she was the whole god damn time, and I couldn't see it because I had the love blinders on. And after two years of hard work and dedication and devotion that wasn't what I deserved one fucking bit. I understand if someone doesn't feel like they want to be with somebody, yes, by all means get yourself into a situation where you can be happy and experience love in way that is true to yourself. But that's not what this was. Because she felt like that for a long time, and did not love me, but still said she did, till she found a suitable person to jump ship too. I was there to pass her time or something, I don't know. And there I was, thinking "Boy it's great to know this is the last relationship I'm ever going to be in, that I am going to hold this one person till the day I die, and it is an amazing thing".
And let me tell you, if you've read this thing I'm sure you can tell I have been disillusioned by love, well that pales in comparison to this. Because those times, it wasn't really love. I thought it might have been, but I didn't know what love was. I was fucking 18 years old. If that. You have no idea what love is. Let alone true love. And that's what I had. It is without a doubt what I was giving, I know now it wasn't what I was receiving but not at the time. I hope I never feel that terrible about anything again. Because it isn't fun, in the slightest.
But you know what, it didn't take me long to recover from it. Actually, I can say I am over it 100%. I still get pissed off thinking about it, so maybe that isn't a 100%, but who wouldn't? I got over it a lot quicker than I thought I would. I mean, it used to take me years. Years! But this person is undeserving of my love. She didn't deserve it then, when we were together, I know that now. And she doesn't deserve my unrequited love now. Mainly thanks to the help of my parents, and my friends, I was able to realize all these things. There is a girl out there that does deserve my admiration, and not only that, but wants it. Shaylene didn't. Oh she definitely wanted to be admired, but I think you get the difference. And I have done some things that were huge amounts of fun, and I was able to do them without any restrictions on myself. I went to Coachella with Krystle, and that was a kick ass time. I hiked around mountains, with Bryan and Ezekiel and Bubba and those were great times too. Everything I needed to remind me that just because love sucker punched you in the dick, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. And that there are other things you have to be happy about, not just because you are in love with someone. One of the main problems I have is when I am in a relationship I rely on it for my happiness. And of course you're going to be happy in a relationship, but if that's what makes you happy, and it's taken away, well, look at me. I know now you have to be happy first, and that relationship will just add to the goodness that you are experiencing. A relatinship that is worth having should not hinder you, or boss you around or make you feel shitty, it is a partnership where two people that want to be with each other can help each other out, on the same level. One isn't above the other, it's fucking teamwork. Shaylene doesn't get that. I doubt she ever will. Hopefully she will one day and she can get a little more out of life. I get it now.
And now I am in a relationship that is a whole lot more fun than my last one. Things are good, and I will dive into all that stuff later. This post is already long enough. So yeah, I'll update again soon with more fun stuff.