(no subject)
i feel useless, i can't get the words out to explain myself at all. i've lost my way with words, to explain the game everything is, i'm not a willing participant, i just have to go along with it, my mind was on fire and now it's a burnt out blackened hole, hiding away inside myself, afraid to come out when there's nothing but hostility all around. huddled in the corner of the bus this morning, desperately trying not too look at anybody, things were going backwards and i felt trapped, stil feel trapped, looking over my shoulder waiting for something, i don't know what, but something, i'm not supposed to be here, i should be elsewhere, but it's not safe, i'm not welcome, everything is beautiful and it's not quite right, i want to go back to hiding, i feel too exposed here, people can see me, they can get me here, i need to go back to hiding, beforeit all starts laughing blaring out, back to the bus methinks, in it i suppose would be the way to do this of course its the only sensible way to use a bus me being the sensible well grounded thing that i am. waves of blankness sweep down through to the pit of me, but soon the anxiety and fear will be back, i have to leave this corner at some point, to get the bus to go and hide, i wish this itching would stop, all over, under, crawling within without wherever it pleases, stop please. perverse pleasure in this confusion construes my state of mind as it all unwinds to find revelation in the retalliation of senses against the stimulants that form every aspect of perception sight smell sound this taste in my mouth is wrong, the heat and the cold are wrong, the taunting sun has arrived to reveal me isolated amongst the maggots eating away at me, the majestic decay of this fool as he turns tail and delves violently for cover amongst the desolate remains of his day. unecessary violent response to tranquility all around, i want out.