(no subject)
For a moment, I was so disgusted at myself that I wanted to bleed, I felt I deserved the hurt. Just a moment, but that's enough, the return of this self-destructive urge after what seems like so long is frankly terrifying.
I'll put it down on this occasion to the alcohol still in my system, and the large amount of anxiety for my (very) significant other. I'm familiar enough with my messed up mind to know what affects these feelings. Don't want to feel bad? Be a better person. Don't drink so much, and be more attentive to your girl.
I have wondered, perhaps I shouldn't get into relationships, I often invest too much in them, I'm positively co-dependant haha, and then when they inevitably go wrong, I crumble with them, my thoughts and feelings all take a dive, and I'm left feeling, well... less than positive. I never mention suicide to people, it's seems dramatic and selfish, but it has crossed my mind a lot in the past. Shh. That seems ridiculous reading it back. Like it's just partners that make me feel that. Ha.
Well people make me hate myself. But this girl doesn't, she is my princess, someone who is actually perfect, and makes me so happy. But there's always these moments, nearly banished, where I don't feel good enough, so completely worthless that I shouldn't even be here. Now I'm rational minded, or at least I like to think I am. I rely on logic, I understand these feelings don't really hold weight, and that I shouldn't pay them attention.
....
My mind is still muddled, I'm not sure why I'm typing this all out, I thought I was done with this nonsense. Meh. I feel like shit today, all I want is a cuddle from her, to hold her tight and tell her how much I love her. But instead I type out my worries, it kinda helps I guess. I suddenly miss the eloquence I used to have. I'll have to work on that.
I'll put it down on this occasion to the alcohol still in my system, and the large amount of anxiety for my (very) significant other. I'm familiar enough with my messed up mind to know what affects these feelings. Don't want to feel bad? Be a better person. Don't drink so much, and be more attentive to your girl.
I have wondered, perhaps I shouldn't get into relationships, I often invest too much in them, I'm positively co-dependant haha, and then when they inevitably go wrong, I crumble with them, my thoughts and feelings all take a dive, and I'm left feeling, well... less than positive. I never mention suicide to people, it's seems dramatic and selfish, but it has crossed my mind a lot in the past. Shh. That seems ridiculous reading it back. Like it's just partners that make me feel that. Ha.
Well people make me hate myself. But this girl doesn't, she is my princess, someone who is actually perfect, and makes me so happy. But there's always these moments, nearly banished, where I don't feel good enough, so completely worthless that I shouldn't even be here. Now I'm rational minded, or at least I like to think I am. I rely on logic, I understand these feelings don't really hold weight, and that I shouldn't pay them attention.
....
My mind is still muddled, I'm not sure why I'm typing this all out, I thought I was done with this nonsense. Meh. I feel like shit today, all I want is a cuddle from her, to hold her tight and tell her how much I love her. But instead I type out my worries, it kinda helps I guess. I suddenly miss the eloquence I used to have. I'll have to work on that.