the juxtoposition of day to night
i hate having these moments when people can see them, the energy, the uncontrollable energy, i don't understand it, i could run, i could fly, i just want to laugh until tears stream down my face, it frightens me, my mind is so scattered when i'm like that, i could do anything, i can't focus, i tried to play guitar to calm myself down and i just couldn't, i wanted to smash it, and nearly did, i had to hold myself back.
i manage to ride it out this time, but i hate it, i think i almost prefer the lows of depression, of self disgust, when i just want to tear my skin, they make more sense, i don't understand this at all, the free abandon, the maniacal grin, the shaking of a body trying to break out, i don't know what would happen if it happened to me in the wrong place, at the wrong time, i do well hiding it i think, people should not know.
after i managed to bring myself back to a reasonable state of mind i felt drained, i ate something then curled up on the sofa and slept, until now, stupid o'clock in the morning, i'm destroying my sleep pattern again, tempting to destroy more than that, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.
i'm not so eloquent today, the words don't flow, the jam and tumble out wrong, like i woke up with more than just a dry mouth.
back to bed i think, tomorrow may be better.
i manage to ride it out this time, but i hate it, i think i almost prefer the lows of depression, of self disgust, when i just want to tear my skin, they make more sense, i don't understand this at all, the free abandon, the maniacal grin, the shaking of a body trying to break out, i don't know what would happen if it happened to me in the wrong place, at the wrong time, i do well hiding it i think, people should not know.
after i managed to bring myself back to a reasonable state of mind i felt drained, i ate something then curled up on the sofa and slept, until now, stupid o'clock in the morning, i'm destroying my sleep pattern again, tempting to destroy more than that, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.
i'm not so eloquent today, the words don't flow, the jam and tumble out wrong, like i woke up with more than just a dry mouth.
back to bed i think, tomorrow may be better.