lost soul drifting through the oceans of change
i'm so tired today, bed at five, up at half 8, not enough time to rest properly. the electric company is hounding me, but i think i can sort it, just about. can't really eat this week, unless i can go shopping with a tenner? but at least if i keep working at this rate i should be relativey debt free by the end of the summer. which is something to be pleased about i suppose.
not too pleased with life in general, everything is changing and i have no anchor point to hold onto. i've dropped out of uni, i've basically cut off all my connections with any friends there, i'm working a minimum wage job and moving into a house that seems so far away from what i'm familiar with. and i'm sure it'll be good when it's all sorted, but right now i just feel like everythings a mess.
and she's moving to a new flat some distance from where i'm apparently going to be, i don't like this, but she's so excited, it's wonderful to see. i just won't see much of her soon, which is for the best i suppose, i'm growing incresingly disgusted with myself, malicious thoughts clawing their way in, rage bubbles through me in bursts, i hate everyone and everything and i hate myself for being prey to these rogue emotions, surely not mine. i feel repulsive again, and i'm sure it's not just me, she must think me foul.
and it seems anyone is loathe to come near me, eyes pass through unseeing, i am invisible, i am a ghost, i am nothing.
i need to be me, i keep repeating, that's what i need to do, be me. this is why the seperation, i need to be myself, it was my descision, or was it? i'm never too sure, always the wrong one despite my protests, i wish whoever was running the show would get their act together, i'm just waiting in the wings for my cue to appear, and it's just not coming. keep that smudged smile pinned in place ready for all to see, a theatrical deception playing on suspension of belief. i'm getting confused, i've lost my lines, adlibbing through a character part i can't quite bring to mind.
ordinarily i have faith, things will work out, it'll all be ok, but my faith is shaken, there's nothing to balance it on, it's more than just words and a smile can fix. i don't know what i need to make me feel better, there's no simple solution.
it's just a silly fear i suppose, of no consequence, it's only me, i can still carry on doing the things i do for people with no return, doesn't matter. it seems i'm a giver, not a taker, or are people just taking advantage of my kind nature? doesn't matter. it's only me. what to do?
just grin and bear it i suppose, and that's my cue to exit.
not too pleased with life in general, everything is changing and i have no anchor point to hold onto. i've dropped out of uni, i've basically cut off all my connections with any friends there, i'm working a minimum wage job and moving into a house that seems so far away from what i'm familiar with. and i'm sure it'll be good when it's all sorted, but right now i just feel like everythings a mess.
and she's moving to a new flat some distance from where i'm apparently going to be, i don't like this, but she's so excited, it's wonderful to see. i just won't see much of her soon, which is for the best i suppose, i'm growing incresingly disgusted with myself, malicious thoughts clawing their way in, rage bubbles through me in bursts, i hate everyone and everything and i hate myself for being prey to these rogue emotions, surely not mine. i feel repulsive again, and i'm sure it's not just me, she must think me foul.
and it seems anyone is loathe to come near me, eyes pass through unseeing, i am invisible, i am a ghost, i am nothing.
i need to be me, i keep repeating, that's what i need to do, be me. this is why the seperation, i need to be myself, it was my descision, or was it? i'm never too sure, always the wrong one despite my protests, i wish whoever was running the show would get their act together, i'm just waiting in the wings for my cue to appear, and it's just not coming. keep that smudged smile pinned in place ready for all to see, a theatrical deception playing on suspension of belief. i'm getting confused, i've lost my lines, adlibbing through a character part i can't quite bring to mind.
ordinarily i have faith, things will work out, it'll all be ok, but my faith is shaken, there's nothing to balance it on, it's more than just words and a smile can fix. i don't know what i need to make me feel better, there's no simple solution.
it's just a silly fear i suppose, of no consequence, it's only me, i can still carry on doing the things i do for people with no return, doesn't matter. it seems i'm a giver, not a taker, or are people just taking advantage of my kind nature? doesn't matter. it's only me. what to do?
just grin and bear it i suppose, and that's my cue to exit.