The Hamster Interaction Experimental Laboratory
Well, this idea was something I came up with recently, and when about 5 people threatened to SPAM up my LJ, I thought I'd better move things along (because sweeping up SPAM with a broom that weighs many many times more than you do is hard :o). Basically here's how it works, this is an open experimental environment, where you, the reader, can introduce various objects to a hamster, me, and see how I interact with them. We've got a lab for this, so there will just be me, and the room, and whatever items you leave me to play with. Basically you leave your items of choice in the comments box (maximum of 3 per person per day), and I'll interact with them whenever I get the chance to. While its up to you what you give me, I advise trying out normal things like pens, lamps, phones and so on, not just the crazy stuff I expect, I'll try to make every experiment interesting :D. And lastly, again its up to you, but don't send me too many painful things, please :o?
The Hamster Interaction Experimental Laboratory is now open for business.
Experiments Completed: 7
Experiments Pending: 3
Last Experiment: 14th September 2005
Note: For the purposes of these experiments I am referred to as "Subject".
Another Note: I changed the date on this so it should always be up front, aren't I clever :D?
SUPER NOTE: I do intend to do these, although I don't know how many more I can fit in one entry, but even though it's been like, forever, I still intend to do them some time.
7th June 2005: Session 1
1st item, a barbecue flavoured Walkers crips.
2nd item, a cute bonnet made for rodents.
3rd item, an AK-47.
Subject enters lab, and proceeds to deposit box.
OK, this is my first time at this so, here's hoping it goes well *grins with expectation*. OK, first item ever for me to interact with as chosen by a generous reader is *drumroll*... A crisp. A poorly spelled crisp. *Drums implode* what do you expect me to do with a crisp? Its not even a packet, you cheap ass! Its a BBQ flavoured crisp, made by Walkers, not that I could tell normally, since its only one single crisp! Fine, fine, sorry about that, I said whatever you people wanted, so here, blink and you'll miss it!
Subject breaks Item 1 in half, puts both pieces in mouth (doing the puffy cheeks thing for a moment), chews, swallows and licks lips.
There, the crisp was quite nice, though not very satisfying, and tasted as advertised, of something you would associate with a BBQ. Is it just me or do BBQs normally smell better than they taste? Speaking of smell *sniffs air* is something cooking? *Looks behind himself* AHH! Not again!
Subject runs around in mad panic with rear on fire... For quite a while.
Why why why?! It doesn't even make sense! Owy its hot!!! Blue Alert, Blue Alert!
Subject voice-activates sprinkler system. Subject and lab are left soaked.
Phew, but man, I'm drenched, my fur is all wet and hanging down like, at least I hardly lost any fur from my behind this time. *Shivers* brr, this water is cold, best stay active, OK, next item, I hope it isn't so dangerous...
Subject shakes, becoming slightly less wet for it, and proceeds to Item 2.
Its a... Bonnet, my size too, hmm... Well, I guess its pretty obvious what I do with it.
Subject puts Item 2 on own head.
Hmm, now if only I had a mirror or something... I know! *Goes over to puddle from sprinkler system* this works, heheh, this thing is kinda cute, I wonder *tries a considerably feminine pose*. Heh, wow I look pretty, neat *tries another*, ooh, someone's sexy, yes the- *Stops mid-sentence, blinks* what? What am I doing?!
Subject hastily removes bonnet, and throws it away from self.
Whoa, that thing does weird things to you! That was creepy, there's no way that's a normal bonnet, no way. Unless it was me, but I've never been like that. Well, there was that one time with Steve... No, that's a secret the world shall never know, it was definitely the hat, definitely. OK, moving on quickly.
Subject approaches Item 3.
... Ooh I see, right I get the game here. The things that look harmless are all actually dangerous, like a crisp or a cute er, I mean a normal-looking bonnet. So in turn, the things that look dangerous are, in fact, totally harmless! This thing is way too big for me to carry, but I should be able to...
Subject pushes against trigger, struggles, back paws scrabbling against floor...
Wow, this thing is stiff, and I can't get it to shoot off... OK, that was a seriously bad choice of wording, bad hamster! Stop, making, yourself, look, stupid!
Subject is slapping self...
OK, now, here goes!
Subject charges into and successfully depresses trigger.
... There! I knew it, this thing isn't even loaded. I'm on top of the game now, I've got you all figured out.
Subject points around at the walls, stops, coughs lightly, and walks round to the barrel of Item 3.
In fact, this thing probably isn't even real, a replica like you get in cheap museums I bet. I'd kick this thing in contempt, if only I could do so without losing my balance. I wonder how realistic it is? Not very I bet.
Subject goes up to barrel tip of Item 3, and looks into the hole there.
I thought so, this is so obviously fake, like right here there should be-
A gunshot is heard...
8th June 2005: Session 2
1. Another hamster, female
2. A snorkle
3. A camera
Subject enters lab.
Well I'm back! Bet you didn't expect to see me again, at least, not without some serious ventilation through the head, but here I am *pats head to emphasize*. Well lets see what I've got to interact with today, I'll try to be more cautious this time.
Subject walks over to deposit box, presses release button, and jumps back approximately 2 feet.
... *Opens eyes* Is it safe? Well, only one way to find out...
Subject nervously approaches deposit box, and peers inside.
Its, my God its another hamster! Are you people crazy, these things are air-tight! He's not breathing!
Subject sniffs Item 1.
I mean, she, she's not breathing, oh God oh God what do I do?! OK OK OK, um, uh, CPR! They taught it in school, a little, um... Oh I don't have time to think!
Subject places own mouth on the mouth of Item 1, and breaths into it twice, then places front paws on chest of Item 1 and presses down twice, and repeats.
*Between breaths* you know... These flexible cheeks... Mean hamsters are quite... Good at CPR... Little fact... For you there.
Subject fails to notice Item 1 regain consciousness. Item 1 does not fail to notice Subject's fuzzy mouth on her own and paws on her chest.
*Notices her looking at him, eyes open wide* oh, are you OK? I thought you were-
Subject is knocked out by a punch in the face from Item 1. Item 1 kicks the unconscious form of Subject and leaves the lab.
...
Subject comes to half an hour later.
Owwwww, my jaw, and my butt. Man she packs a punch, whoever she was, owy. That's the thanks I get for trying to save her life, hey, people, if you're going to send something live, leave a note in brackets or something OK? Well, the show must go on, lets see what's next.
Subject groggily approaches Item 2.
Its a snorkel, well, that seems innocent enough... Its probably extremely deadly then *sighs*. I don't have any water about, but its too big for me anyway. OK, here goes nothing.
Subject nudges Item 2 with nose, winces in anticipation, then licks Item 2 lightly.
Well its not exploding on contact, and it tastes normal, so hopefully its not coated in poison or anything. If I'm not mistaken, this is the end that goes in your mouth, well, if you're a human anyway.
Subject grips edges of mouth-piece of Item 2 and sniffs and looks around inside.
There's these plastic, shapes, um, I think they're designed to fit around the teeth and general shape of a human mouth, so it doesn't come out too easily, and a bit deeper in the pipe itself stammmffffpphph!
Subject has gotten own mouth and nose stuck in Item 2.
Ffr ffcks sskk! tts sttck, frrm thh ssctttn, hhlp!
Subject panics.
Gtt tt fff gtt it fff!
Subject runs around panicking.
*Muffled screams...*
Subject runs snorkel-first into a wall, jamming own head further into Item 2, blinding self but freeing up mouth.
Now I'm blind! Pink Alert, Pink Alert!
Subject's voice, harmonically modified by the snorkel, is not recognized by lab computers.
Oh come on, gimme a break here! OK, you are coming off right now!
Subject places all four paws on rim of Item 2 and lying on back pushes as hard as possible, attempting to free own head...
Come, on, I mean. Come... Off!
Subject succeeds in removing Item 2 from own head with a loud pop, and drops it on the floor, panting from exertion.
THERE! WHAT? OH NO I'VE GONE DEAF! I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF! OR MODERATE MY VOICE I BET, I WONDER HOW LOAD I'M TALKING... I HOPE I GET MY HEARING BACK SOON. I GUESS I SHOULD MOVE ON TO THE THIRD ITEM...
Subject approaches Item 3.
ITS A CAMERA, UM, NOT A VIDEO CAMERA, PLAIN OLD VANILLA PHOTO "SAY CHEESE" KIND, I COULD GO FOR A CHEESE PIZZA... UH, ANYWAY, WAIT, IT HAS A DELAY TIMER ON IT, THE KIND THAT MEANS EVERYONE CAN BE IN THE PHOTO, HOW HANDY. LETS SEE, SHOULD BE EASY ENOUGH...
Subject sets up Item 3, then scurries into the photo field and strikes a dominant pose.
I COULD USE THIS FOR SOME "OBEY THE TYRANT!" POSTERS AND STUFF...
Subject waits... And nothing happens. Perplexed, subject stops posing and goes over to Item 3.
HUH? I SET THE TIMER RIGHT, WHY ISN'T IT-
Subject is looking right into lens of Item 3, when it goes off. Subject yelps and recoils back from the flash, flailing arms and falling over onto own back, going "OOF!" while doing so...
NOW I CAN'T SEE PROPERLY EITHER! THERE'S LIGHTS EVERYWHERE AND STUFF, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M STILL TELLING YOU THIS, I DON'T DESERVE THIS DO I?
Subject rubs own eyes. Item 3 goes off again.
WHAT! WHY DID YOU JUST TAKE A PICTURE OF MY ASS!? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!
Subject jumps up and grabs Item 3 aggressively. Item 3 goes off again.
GAH! STOP BLINDING ME!! DIE YOU STUPID THING!!!
Subject, currently half blind, swings Item 3 about and smashes it against the floor over and over, breaking it, Item 3 going of repeatedly while this is going on.
DIE DIE DIE YOU DUMB CAMERA!!!
Subject smashes Item 3 to pieces, and stands there panting and worked up. Film from Item 3 rolls across the floor and bumps into Subject's leg gently.
HUH? HOW COULD IT ROLL TOWARDS ME? IF IT HAD ENOUGH MOMENTUM TO HIT A WALL AND COME BACK TO ME IT WOULD BE BADLY DAMAGED IF NOT DESTROYED BY THE IMPACT, I KNOW THESE THINGS, I'M A HAMSTER TYRANT! WHATEVER, I GUESS I'LL PUT THIS SOMEWHERE AND THINK ABOUT WHAT TO DO WITH IT LATER, NOT THAT I IMAGINE I CAN FIND MUCH USE FOR A PHOTO OF MY OWN BUTT... I WANT MY HEARING BACK.
Subject sniffs, and exits lab with film from Item 3.
11th June 2005: Session 3
1. Burnt toast [one slice]
2. Salad Fork
3. A roll of Aluminum-foil
Subject enters lab, smiling happily.
Hiya, its me again, heheh. You might be wondering why I'm so cheerful, right? Well, over the last couple of days I did some pondering and I realized that even though I've suffered from half a dozen items which caused me discomfort (to put it lightly) in a row, they can't all be bad for me can they? I mean, you people don't actually hate me or anything do you? So like, it figures that sooner or later I can walk away from an experiment, or at least an item, unscathed. That's why I'm so happy right now, because I reckon I'm long overdue already.
Subject walks, humming a tune, over to deposit box, and withdraws Item 1.
There, its some toast, one slice, nothing harmful about it *grins hopefully*, the most malicious aspect of this piece of toasted bread is that its been overdone quite a bit. In fact *rubs paw on slice*, it leaves some sort of black residue on you, hmm...
Subject draws a black circle around self on lab floor.
Heheh, this gives me an idea.
Subject drags Item 1 to lab perimeter, and begins drawing on wall.
*Sticking tongue out in concentration* lets see, these can be all puny like, and lets just do this and...
Subject has drawn self on wall, with hopelessly exaggerated stature and muscle-mass, standing tall in victorious pose over tiny cowering and fleeing stick humaniods.
There, nice and accurate *flexes arm and grins goofily*, the toast seems to be running low though, probably not much more I can do with it. Well, I guess its time for the next item.
Subject approaches Item 2.
OK, so next we have... A fork, um, I think its a salad fork. Quite an elegant one too, looks like the kind of thing you bust out with the silver-wear when you've got some VIP guests *lifts it upright, with a little difficulty*. Its a tad awkward for me to handle, but, hey, this looks quite cool like this, like a sort of, regal scepter, or staff, yeah a staff, too big to me for a scepter. Maybe I should get something like this when I rule the world, to help lord over my minions. *Performs sweeping gesture with fork to whole room, and puts on commanding voice (or tries to anyway)* you shall all do my bidding puny minions! No-whoa! *Accidentally drops fork* oops, heh, I think I'll get a slightly smaller one than this though. Although...
Subject returns to Item 1 with Item 2, and places latter against wall, using residue from Item 1 to draw an outline around it.
Hey, its a perfect scale for my drawing though, and I'm plunging it triumphantly into a hospital too, sweet! Hahah, this is really fun! OK, last item now...
Subject goes over to Item 3.
Oooooh, shiny... Hey, I think my fur is a little messed up here *licks paw and slicks back fur on top of head into place in reflection*, there, better. Now what to do with this, I wonder... Oh, I know, I got an idea!
Subject runs over to Item 2, grabs it and hastily returns to Item 3 with it.
Now, if I can get the dimensions right, *unrolls some foil* OK, now I'm about so-so big... This long, and, this wide, give a little extra just to be sure *cuts foil using fork and teeth*, OK, now here's hoping... Its fits me perfectly! Ooh and it feels nice too.
Subject has fashioned a cape out of part of Item 3 for self.
I am... The Caped Tyrant! Hahah, weeeee! *Runs around with salad fork and throws it like a javelin in excitement* this looks so cool, capes always were a good hero or villain accessory, I should get me one, or just keep this, its so shiny! Ooh! I gotta add this to my picture.
Subject rushes over to Item 1 and uses the last of the black substance to add a cape on self in drawing.
Wow I look so dominant, I wonder if I'll ever really be like that, I sure hope so. Well, that's all the items experimented with, and I didn't get hurt once! Caped Tyrant away!
Subject wraps cape around self and runs to leave lab, banging head on door which doesn't open so quickly as Subject moves.
Ow, heh, oooops, um, Caped Tyrant away take two...
Subject leaves lab, still in cape.
28th June 2005: Session 4
1. Rocket launcher, mini-style.
2. One titanium cage.
3. An fem bot hamster in pink.
Subject enters lab, waving an air freshener can around.
Man, its been a while, this place is all stuffy like *sprays some more, and sets can down by entrance*, sorry about the long delay everyone, as some of you might know I've been quite busy for a while with all sorts, and when I got back this wasn't the only thing waiting for me. But now, now is time, for another hamster interactive experiment!
Subject winks, and goes over to deposit box, and picks up Item 1.
Whoahoaha! Someone REALLY likes me, *picks up the rocket launcher, which is just the right size for him* ooh that feels good to hold, what a sense of power!
Subject lifts Item 1 up and rests it on his shoulder, sighting along the barrel with one paw on the trigger and the other steadying the weapon.
Ahh this feels, nice, its like, so natural, and empowering *points it at various places on the far wall, then sees the air freshener can* oooooh now that's just too tempting.
Subject points Item 1 at air freshener, steadies it, and pulls the trigger, sending a mini-rocket flying through the air... Into the wall behind Subject, who was holding Item 1 backwards.
*Is sent flying forwards and skidding across the floor on his front* Aaaaah-owy-ow-oof! *Comes to a stop near his original target, and gets up* ooh, ouch, um, I'm OK, but man, this thing packs a punch! I love it! Shame it only has two more shots, guess I'll just, wait *sniffs air* aw no, not again, its just not fair...
Subject looks over his other shoulder, the one without Item 1 on it, and see's own butt on fire. Subject runs around trying to beat out fire with Item 1, wailing the whole way...
Hot hot Hot HOT HOT-HOT!
Subject finally puts out fire, sighs in relief and turns Item 1 around to face the right way.
OK, OK lets, just try that again *shuffles a bit towards wall, and takes aim, double-checking rocket launcher is right way round* right, lets enjoy this one now shall we? Wait, what am I saying, you all probably love seeing me running around on fire don't you? Sadists *sticks tongue out* anyway, fire in the hole!
Subject pulls trigger, and aim true, the mini-rocket flies right into the air freshener and blows it up, igniting the contents for an impressive secondary explosion.
*Shading his eyes with a paw* whoohoo! Oh yeah, BOOM! Fire, hahaha! Destruction and chaos, gotta love it *grins madly and strokes the barrel of the weapon*. Still got one round left too, what a beautiful toy this is, hehehe...
Subject looks around the lab.
Hmm, but a decided lack of targets, well, lets save it for later, something might hit me, in fact, something usually does, heheh.
Subject puts down Item 1 and goes to inspect Item 2.
Um, its a cage, about the size you could keep a pet hamster in, I'm hoping there's not some hidden message implied there, that would be mean you know? Well, I'll trust there isn't, lets see *taps a bar with his paw*, that's titanium if I'm not mistaken. So, a titanium cage, um, with no door or anything, what can I do with this then?
Subject looks around thoughtfully, and sees Item 1 again.
... Aah, I guess I could always make an entry myself, heheh. *Picks up rocket launcher, backs away and takes aim* lets see how solid this cage is then.
Subject takes aim, and fires, the mini-rocket flying through the bars into the cage and hitting it trying to fly out the other side, exploding and shattering the cage into a rapidly expanding razor-edged storm.
WHAA! *Ducks as a piece of shrapnel shaves the tips of the fur on the top of his head off, and back-peddles from the airborne meat-grinder rapidly* help help help me someone! *Bumps into the wall he's backed into, and looks down as a pole spears deep into the wall right between his legs*...
Subject's eyes cross as, legs shaking, Subject very slowly steps over pole, which has trapped a few strands of Subject's fur that Subject leaves behind, and backs away from it, eyes wide staring at it.
I, uh, I *drops onto his behind, heart going a mile a minute, staring at it whimpering* that was, a close shave *gulps*. I should really be less reckless sometimes, OK, OK, keep it together, compose yourself *does some controlled breathing* right... Right, lets see this final item now.
Subject gets up, and a little shakily goes over to Item 3.
... OK, now I don't usually go into this sort of thing, but I am a studying tyrant, and I know a fem-bot when I see one, they're famous in many tyrannical evil schemes, and this one, is a hamster, in pink *crosses arms and sighs*. Look, I know you all like me, and are probably a tiny bit curious at times, and I appreciate the gesture and all, really I do. But honestly, how many of you want to see me get my furry thing on?! If you have any questions you can always ask me in private you know? Ahh anyway, I have to interact with this in some way, lets see, maybe there's some settings I can put on something other than X-rated...
Subject checks controls on Item 3.
Here we go, I'll set this one to Massage, and this to Back, that should be safely far away enough from anything, um, personal... Anyway *drops onto front paws and lies down*, lets see what this thing can do.
Subject lies in front of Item 3, which hums to life and immediately starts giving Subject a back massage.
Ah-oohhooohhh *hears a few clicks come from his back and shoulders* ahh that's just incredible *melts into the floor as his back is worked expertly* now this, I can go with. I think I'm just going to stay here for a while and let this thing work off my tensions, or whatever chiropractors say, heh. Um, how do I end this without leaving? Oh yeah, Code Z!
Subject deactivates link and experiment ends with Subject sighing and yawning as Item 3 massages his lower back...
1st July 2005: Session 5
... okay... o_0 PEACHES!!!!
Subject enters lab at a mellow pace and walks casually over to deposit box, talking as he goes.
Aah I tell you, all of you, that Fem Bot is working out great! Whenever things just seem too much I set her to back massage and just, relax. Once its all over my worries are gone and I can face my problems refreshed. I've not had many problems with her either, finding a place to store her was easy enough, there was that one time she ran out of power and after I recharged her I didn't notice she'd reset to default settings, but *blushes*, now isn't a good time to talk about that, heh. Anyway, what do we have to work with today?
Subject inspects Items 1.
Well er, they are, or appear to be, several peaches, a lot of, large, uh, peaches, um...
Subject looks perplexed.
OK then, well they're the only thing I've been left here too so, best make the most of them I guess. Say, I don't think I've ever tried peach, Steve said he liked them, I wonder, maybe these are still fresh *sniffs one*, smells alright. Well um, here goes nothing!
Subject bites into one of Items 1.
Mmm! These are juicy! Wow *bites off some more* they're really fresh and tasty, and so, so juicy! *Grins and wipes his lips off with a paw* its almost as much of a drink as food, I better take smaller bites because I'm spilling some juice here, I- Hey shut up! *Sticks tongue out* God you people have the dirtiest minds, I can practically hear you thinking those foul thoughts, honestly, anyway, I'm going to have some more of this peach now, carefully, because its very juicy and I don't want to get the juice from the fruit on me *is talking in a spell it out way*. OK? OK, no twisting my words now, you people have forever tainted once innocent words like wet, sticky, juice, stop limiting my vocabulary already! *Sticks tongue out again, then bites into peach and sits down enjoying a fresh meal* this is really nice though, I'll have to call Steve and see if he wants that fiver I bet him I wouldn't like it, ah childhood memories *licks his lips and smiles reminiscing*.
Subject has half eaten one of Items 1.
Well, I'm pretty full, looks like this stuff doesn't fill you up much quickly, because I've eaten almost my own size out of this one. What to do now... Hmm, hey I've got a crazy idea!
Subject backs away from half-eaten Item 1, and takes a running leap into it, since its now shaped roughly like a helmet.
Weeeee!!!
Subject and Item 1 go zooming across lab floor and into a wall, Item 1 bursting into pieces and dumping Subject upside down on head against wall.
Wheehehee, that was fun! Heheh *rights himself and pulls a piece of peach off his head, grinning excited* I wanna go again! But there's no way I'll be able to eat out, hush you, eat enough of another of those to ride it, ah you know what, just go ahead and make jokes then *sticks tongue out yet again*, honestly I can't conduct some benign experiments safe from certain people's imaginations. Well, as long as you're enjoying it I guess, just don't drive away everyone else alright? Anyway, back to the problem at paw. Lets see... Ooh, inspiration strikes!
Subject gets out his lightsaber and activates it, a red beam roughly half a foot long being generated from it.
Cool huh? And anyone who says this is a phallic symbol one can answer to Mr.Saber here and two, how big do you think my ego is? Ahem, anyway, time to get Sith on these peaches!
Subject leaps at another of Items 1 and with a few mid-air slashes, cuts it down into a suitable ride, the detached pieces sliding off as Subject lands.
Heheh, what? Didn't you know? Hamsters make the best Ninjas *twirls his lightsaber round dramatically with one paw*. Heheh, well, not really, and I know its a Jedi weapon not Ninja, but some of the skills overlap, anyway, don't think I just picked this thing up and was this good, I trained hard and long to get where I am, and I'm not really that far either, peaches don't exactly defend themselves... Anyway, *swishes saber a couple of times* I'm OK with it and well, I'll keep working at it and hopefully improve. Anyway, again, time to ride, weeeee! *Takes a running dive into the newly furnished half-peach* yahay!
Subject continues to ride each and every one of Items 1 around the lab, breaking them one after the other, until none are left intact.
Whehey *is kinda dizzy and worn out* that was quite a lot of fun actually, and to think I was worried that a one item experiment would be no fun. Well, I'll have to get this place cleaned up later, but for now, I guess that's it, time for me to leave and- *screen blurs...*
Subject is caught in a random encounter, battle music plays.
Huh, what the?
Subject is confronted by three Justice Gunners.
Gah, what the Hell are these guys doing here? Aren't they meant to only go after major bad-guys? Hey, cool! I'm being treated as a serious threat! Yay!
Subject is attacked by Justice Gunner 1, and loses 12 HP (87 remaining).
Owy! OK its cool but I want to live long enough to celebrate it, say, when did we move to the middle of the laboratory anyway? Aah whatever *holds saber ready*, take this!
Subject attacks Justice Gunner 1, dealing 63 damage and killing it.
*Pats his lightsaber* gotta love the attack power on these babies, now to get these two- *swipes at second enemy, doing nothing*. What?! *Looks at a bar over his head* blasted ATB system! *Swipes at opponents again in frustration, to no avail* guess I have to wait my turn *backs up and stands ready*.
Subject is attacked by Justice Gunner 2, but dodges.
Aha! Now its your turn!
Subject attacks Justice Gunner 2, dealing 71 damage and killing it.
Say, I wonder if I'll get a level up from this?
Subject attacks Justice Gunner 3, dealing 58 damage and killing it.
Whoohoo! *Does a victory dance swinging his saber around.*
Subject's celebrations are cut short as a boss encounter occurs out of nowhere.
Huh? Hey, cool music, but what's that? *Sees boss, a giant knight in shining armour with a very big sword* ahh its huge!
Subject is attacked by Justice Champion, and loses 31 HP (56 remaining).
OWY! That really hurt, you ass!
Subject attacks Justice Champion, dealing 17 damage.
Wha? Oh man, I'm in trouble...
Subject is attacked by Justice Champion's Light Wave special attack, and loses 47 HP (9 remaining).
Owy *is breathing hard* I can't take another one of those, I'm done for... Wait, unless.
Subject summons Mega Laser Tank.
*Quickly gets into tank and activates it* alright buddy, now lets see what you're made of.
Subject is attacked by Justice Champion's Light Wave special attack, and loses 23 HP (976 remaining).
Hahah, never mess with a tyrant in his own lab! Now to push the big red button on you *pushes aforementioned big red button in tank*!
Subject's Mega Laser Tank attacks Justice Champion with Giant Laser special attack, dealing 298 damage and killing it.
*Watches as opponent goes down in expensive looking death sequence* yay I won *hugs the controls of his tank*. And I got a level up too, whoohoo! *Gets out of tank and looks at it lovingly, then at lab exit* um, this could be a problem though...
Subject gets a tape measure and starts trying to figure a way of getting his tank out the door while avoiding stepping on pieces of peach or enemy lying around as experiment ends...
11th August 2005: Session 6
Item #1 : A glass panther statue
Item #2 : An electrical chair (hamster size)
Item #3 : A meat-grinder (not hamster size)
Subject enters lab with a lit match in one paw and a tiny spray can of Ghost-B-Gone in the other.
... Hello? No unwelcome spirits about? Good *puts down can*, wow I left this place a while didn't I? I feel kinda ashamed, oh well, guess I'll just get one with it, the-OW!
Subject drops match, which had burnt down all the way and scorched his right paw, and is left in the dark.
Owyowyowy, hot-hot... GAH! *Trips over spray can while trying to shake the feeling back into his paw* oh boy, some things never change *gets up rubbing his paw*. Lets do this before I manage to concuss myself, OK, which way was the deposit box? Oh yeah, over here *walks over to it*.
Subject pushes a button with his left paw, and Item 1 is deposited on the floor.
Its uh... Well its a glass statue, of a panther I think. *Looks around for a few seconds* what do I look like, an art critic? Great, first time in over a month, and I get a tricky one, I mean its too heavy to really move, too smooth to climb, uhh...
Subject is at a loss...
... Ahah! If I can't do much with it, I can do something to it *chuckles, and gets out his lightsaber*, I am so glad I always keep this on me, I even sleep with it... Shut up. Anyway, lets turn it on and, I will go death ray on anyone who laughs, even a little! Give me a break, I'm out of practice, anyway *activates lightsaber*, time to get Picasso on this panther.
Subject starts slashing away at Item 1 with lightsaber.
A little off here *swings*... A lot thinner, easy, not too short *makes a few more precise reductions, then stands back*, there, uh I mean, tada! *Grins and indicates the remains of the statue with a paw, which he's crafted into a to-scale model Eiffel Tower* cool huh? I always wanted to own a few famous national monuments, its a tyrant thing, I guess this is a start, hehe. Although, looking it at it at my own height, it is very phallic. I mean, I never got a great look at it like this before, although I seem to have done a good job of recreating it considering. Heheh, guess I'm getting better with this thing *hefts lightsaber with a grin*. But you know what? This is just too, too, French. In fact, France is off the world domination map, the place sucks, I mean seriously, I struggle as a tyrant I know, but I'm not desperate. I refuse to conquer it, I think I'll just send rejects and waste there, considering the people and so-called perfume already infesting the place, I don't think it'll arouse any suspicion.
Subject cuts the altered Item 1 in half with lightsaber.
Well, that's that done, guess its on with the experiment.
Subject moves onto Item 2, giving his right paw few shakes as he does.
Hey, I think my paw is better, neat, I was worried I might be, badly... Burned.
Subject stares at Item 2, and slumps over almost onto all fours.
Its, its a... Its an electric chair, a custom-made, hamster-sized electric chair. *Gulps and shivers* is this what you want to happen to me? Is this what you think I deserve, what you want to see?! You wanna see me fry?!? What did I do to earn this *sobs sadly hanging his head*? I mean, I know I'm not perfect, maybe I'm sometimes, usually, kinda a little... Very insane, but, the chair?!?! *Sniffles and wipes his eyes with a paw* a, alright, I'm going to do this, I'm going to strap myself in, hey, look, its made so you can turn it on while you're tied down on it, whoo-hoo *says this half-heartedly, and slowly walks over to it*. Well, here goes, I dunno how many ways you people think this can go, but there's only one way to find out *get into chair*. OK, come on little guy, chin up, you gotta suffer for your art, OK, OK *tries to psyche himself up*. OK, but I'm going to kill the sound, I don't think there's much to be gained by hearing me squeal like a sissy, plus I wouldn't mind holding on to a tiny scraping of my dignity, if there's any left *straps himself in*. Besides, you don't want to hear that do you? Wait, what am I saying, I must be mad after all. Well, here's to shocking turns of events *turns the sound off on the recording system*!
Subject closes his eyes, braces and turns on the chair.
*Censored*
Subject weakly takes off the restraints, and gets out of the chair, stumbling forwards and shakily reactivating the sound.
*Fur is all sticking out like some kind of hedgehog, opens his mouth and smoke comes out, coughs a couple of times, and finally manages to speak, with a whisper of a voice* well, I am a pin cushion, I hope you're all happy. *Looks at his fur and hopelessly tries to smooth some of it down* now lets, huh? *Spots something, picks it up* its a note, looks like it fell off the chair, lets see, "please have fun with the electrical chair", err, wait a second. ElectricAL?! As in zoom around fun thing? But this is an electric chair! *Goes over to the chair and scans it over, finding a brief product description on the back, too small to read unless you're small to*... You have got to be kidding me, you sent me the wrong chair, you got to read the fine print you know?! Oh man, you mean, I went through all that, for nothing? Oh for...
Subject kills sound again and rants and screams for a good 30 seconds.
*Calms down, and turns the sound back on* sorry about that, heheh, uh, lets just call it practice for tyrant-like maniacal rage, OK *gives a pleading look*. Right um *grins nervously* lets see, one more item to go.
Subject goes over to Item 3, smoothing down his fur as he does, and yelping from the electrical shocks the floor keeps giving his highly charged body.
Ya! I'm glad these floors are static-resistant. Oh, its a meat-grinder, I mean, its kind of plain what it is, pretty no-nonsense design, you know? *Gives another nervous grin* now I'm not going to lose it or anything, I'm kinda ashamed of that little, err, slip-up back there, ahem *scratches his head sheepishly*, but... You don't actually expect me to get in this do you? I mean, really, its a meat grinder, its so symbolic of not surviving that genocidal military missions are sometimes named after it. Uh, maybe I'm missing something, I'm all out of practice, guess that's why I missed that note. Well, lets look at it, maybe I'll spot another note or something.
Subject goes closer and inspects Item 3, looking around it all at his height. Subject then sniffs it lightly.
Ooh, minty, wonder what they put on these to make them smell fresh, its nice, heheh. Um, lets see, buttons, I got to love buttons on the whole, they can do some cool things, my favourite are the big red ones personally. Heh, getting side-tracked here, anyway, this must be the one to turn it on, well, might as see what its capable of.
Subject goes to push button, and as Subject does the massive residual charge from Item 2 in Subject's body transfers into Item 3 due to high metal content, and blows it up.
*Is frozen on the spot as the meat-grinder explodes into an expanding cloud of very sharp and/or pointy bits moving really fast. After a few moments, blinks and looks around, seeing the devastation all around him, then looks at himself and using the paw he tried to push the button with, gently feels himself to see if he's all there. Looks around once more* ... Oops. Err, well I, guess that's the end of this experiment, um, I'm just going to clean up in here, then spend several hours researching and praying to Gods in thanks for me still being in one piece. I mean, my butt isn't even on fire, that's what I call a miracle!
Subject goes to get something to start clearing mess up with, and experiment ends...
14th September 2005: Session 7
An ambulance
A woodchucker with a snoopy blanket
Mundus
Subject enters lab muttering to self.
... That would be, oh, hi all, heh, uh, don't mind me, I've just been working hard at an annual tyrant convention, The September Offenders, its low-key, but its my first one and I'm trying my best. First week is the signing up period, then next week is open sessions, aspiring tyrants like myself are free to mingle, discuss, display our devious devices and insidious schemes, to quote the leaflet. Its a lot of fun *grins*, today was the final day of that, now the nominations begin. Tyrants nominate one another with of course plenty of dirty dealing and double crossing *sighs happily in admiration*, then all the nominees advance to week 3, although anyone who signed up is free to hang round. That's when you really strut your stuff, if you get nominated, and vie for official points, if not you either go home, whatever your evil abode is, or hang round to watch. I'm doubtful I'll get nominated, I struggled to get noticed to be honest, heh, but, still, I hope against hope *crosses paws*.
Uh, sorry, yes, right, the experiment! Of course, sorry, this convention is really on my mind a lot, its taken over my life it feels like. Hehe, even our conventions are dominating, I love tyranny! I've been so busy trying my best to prepare for it, that's why this has been so long coming, but now I thought I should take care of it, since if I don't do something I'm going to sit up all night shooting my nerves to pieces wondering if I'm going to be nominated or not. Not that I've abandoned these things, I've just, got to find time, you know? Anyway, um, lets see what you lot have in stock for me this time.
Subject goes over to deposit box, and sees its empty.
Huh? Oh, wait, its too small I guess, lets see *checks a couple of readouts*, yeah its in one of the special large units. Um, well, wonder what it is, guess I'll find out *pushes a button*.
Subject watches, then squeaks in panic and dives to side as Item 1 rolls into lab from large side entrance.
Aah! What the, its an entire full size ambulance! Isn't that ironic, I was almost crushed into paste by an ambulance *shakes his head and gets up*. I have a bad feeling about this one, this whole experiment I mean, why do I get the creeping suspicion I'm going to be the butt of all Irony's jokes today?
Subject approaches Item 1 and looks it over as well as possible.
Well, got to press on, um, I couldn't drive this thing even if there was any real room to drive it in. So, what can I do *scratches his head and ponders*? Uuh, wait, its an ambulance, maybe it has some medical supplies on board, worth a look.
Subject goes round to back of Item 1, and with some effort manages to leap up onto rear step below back doors.
*Panting* I need to get better at this ninja stuff *wipes head with a paw*, anyway, uh, now what? This is probably locked knowing my luck, is nothing easy? Well, screw this, you send me stuff, don't expect it back intact *takes out lightsaber, and grins wickedly*.
Subject cuts through back of Item 1 with lightsaber.
*Now inside* hey they got pillows on the beds *grins, and climbs up onto the bed, jumps on the pillow and laughs*. Hehehe, cozy *snuggles the pillow*... Uh *blinks, and coughs embarrassed*, I mean, watch me oppress these pillows! *Activates lightsaber and slashes up pillow some, sneezing when he gets a bunch of feathers in the face* aah, stupid feathers *sniffs*, anyway, that's what I was doing, I was uh, surprise attacking this pillow, I was in no way hugging it or being soppy... Honest! Err, anyway, let that be a lesson to the rest of you *points at other pillows, pauses, and quietly stops, coughs and hops down to the floor*.
Subject searches Item 1, eventually finding desired target.
Aah, here we go, drugs I aah mean, medicine, and no I don't need it *sticks out tongue while dragging box out from under bed*. OK, oh, right *slashes lock with lightsaber*, now lets, oh, it was unlocked, oops. Anyway, lets see what they have.
Subject rummages around contents of box.
Uuh, bandages, knives and stuff, a lot of needles and pills in bottles, but I'll take forever to remember what each one does. Well, I don't have forever, so, lets just try my luck... That's such a bad idea and I know it, oh well, live and learn, I hope *closes eyes and reaches in at random*.
Subject pulls out small jar of pills.
OK, well, guess this is what I'll take, I mean its in an ambulance, if I only take a little it shouldn't be bad for me. Actually, make that a really small dose, since I'm little too, heh. *Struggles with silly lid, and gets it off* ooh, these pills are blue, cool, *sniffs* don't smell of much, not bad I guess. And here we go.
Subject puts pill in mouth, chews and swallows.
Ugh, well, its not fun, but not bad for a pill I guess, I wish it was smaller so I could swallow it whole. Well, it shouldn't take too long to effect my small body, I wonder what it was anyway *reads label on bottle*. "Sildenafil", umm, I think, that's used to treat... Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension? I think that's it, I wonder how I remember that of all the disorders I've heard of, maybe its famous for doing something more common I can't remember yet. *Blinks, feeling a little funny* whatever its doing its getting to, Sildenafil, Sildenafil *ponders*... Wait, isn't that, no, yes, oh no, it is!
Subject panics and looks down, squeaks, and dives behind box.
*From behind box* oh this is so NOT good, aaaaah *sighs seemingly half in shock, half in enjoyment*, wow, that was the main rush, I guess *is panting slightly*. Ugh, I need to take care of this problem, now, like right now, or 5 minutes ago if that's an option. *Pokes his head up over the box, and careful not to move round from behind or two high over it, reaches around inside* come on, its got to be, here it is, come, here *is struggling to reach, and refuses to lean over the side more*!
Subject grabs chosen needle and quickly carefully injects self in stomach with it.
*Sighing* OK, this sedative should take effect pretty quick *glances down*, yeah, uh, it is, I mean, I can feel it. *Blinks and rubs his eyes, stilfing a yawn* whoa, hope I didn't use too much... OK, crisis averted, or at least contained *comes out from behind box*. Well, that was, uh, that was something that will be hard to forget, but well worth the effort. OK, next item already.
Subject exits Item 1 and approaches Item 2. Conversation Mode Engaged.
Zone: Hey, you're, you're that bird, uuh, what's your name, from Peanuts, with Snoopy, uh... Woodstock!
Woodstock: ...
Zone: ... And, you can't talk, at least, you talk bird, some variety of it anyway, what species are you exactly?
Woodstock: ...
Zone: Right, yes that was a stupid question given the circumstances, sorry.
Woodstock: ... *Pulls Snoopy blanket about self*
Zone: Uh, well, if its OK, I mean, if you don't mind, do you think I could, have your, autograph? Please?
Woodstock: *Nods*
Zone: Hey for real?! Thanks *smiles happily*! Um, just a second *gets pen and paper*.
Woodstock: ...
Zone: OK, got it *hands pen and paper to Woodstock*, if you could just make it out to "Zone The Tyrant Hamster", uh, throw in some greats or an almighty if you feel like it, heh.
Woodstock: ... *Scribbles on paper*
Zone: *Licks his lips, and gets paper back* thanks Woodstock, you're a cool bird man! Well um, I guess you don't want to hang round, let me show you the way out, you can follow the signs and there's a place you can get a ride back just a minute's walk from here *leads Woodstock to the exit, and waves bye as he leaves*. Sweet, that was Woodstock, and I got his autograph! *Looks at the paper excitedly, and does a double-take* you're joking, "...", that's what he signed, oh for God's sake!
Subject drops paper and goes to check out Item 3, a little depressed.
Zone: Ugh, where is it? I'm sure this was a full 3 item experiment... *Turns around still looking, stops, and squeaks in pure terror*
Subject screams like a baby as Item 3 appears before him and replaces lab with vast mysterious void.
Mundus: AGAIN I MUST FACE A *pauses and trails off*...
Zone: *Is now floating and attempting the rarely pulled off trick of hiding the entirety of himself under himself, with little success, but he's strangely determined to keep trying*
Mundus: ... HAMSTER?
Zone: *Peeks out from under his arms and squeaks nervously* uh, strange fate, isn't it?
Mundus: ... YES, STRANGE *able to hear Zone's tiny voice and see his minute form due to supernatural senses*...
Zone: *Gulping but managing to speak running on the forlorn hope that he can some how distract Mundus from wiping him out with a glance* and ironic, too.
Mundus: HOW SO?
Zone: Well, I'm uh, an aspiring tyrant, believe it or, most likely not, and uh, I'm attending my first convention, I just got back from it, actually. And now, I uh, get to meet one of the best in the business *smiles nervously*.
Mundus: *Arching an eye-brow that Zone could use for a slide* ONE OF?
Zone: *Sweating with panic* I mean the best, the very best of course! Sorry, slip of the tongue there, obviously I meant the best there ever was or ever will be, you, The Emperor Of The Underworld, Mundus *is shouting with urgency to correct himself*!
Mundus: HMM, VERY WELL. YOU MENTIONED YOU ARE ATTENDING A CONVENTION, WHICH ONE?
Zone: Uuh, The September Offenders, it um, my first one, hehehe *trails off into scared silence*...
Mundus: OFFENDERS? THAT WAS MY FIRST CONVENTION TOO, BACK WHEN I WAS "MUNDUS, EMPEROR OF 22 DEVIL DRIVE (RENTED)".
Zone: Oh, how come I didn't see you on the list of previous winners, wait I must have missed it, some how, what year was it?
Mundus: ... *Glares* I DIDN'T WIN. I WASN'T EVEN NOMINATED.
Zone: Oh man, uh... Sorry *squeaks this out closing his eyes waiting to be annihilated*?
Mundus: I WENT TO SEVERAL CONVENTIONS BEFORE I GOT A BREAK, JUST BEFORE THE END OF THE YEAR, I CAME SECOND IN THE BIGGEST OPEN CONVENTION OF THE TIME, EVIL ENTITIES EXPOSITION (E3). I FINALLY BEGAN MAKING IT BIG AFTER THAT, BUT I REMEMBER THOSE EARLY MONTHS, THE CRUSHING FAILURES...
Zone: *Is listening in awe at a lot of things, these facts, that he's hearing them, who he's hearing them from and that he's still alive to hear them* uuh, I, didn't know that... Well, you sure showed them *grins with the manic joy of someone doing so as if their life counted on it*!
Mundus: I DID, AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW BECAUSE I'VE NEVER TOLD ANYONE BEFORE, ALTHOUGH I SUSPECT NELO ANGELO FOUND OUT WHILE SNOOPING AROUND MALLET ISLAND READING OLD RECORDS TO KILL TIME. ASIDE FROM A FEW DIE-HARD RECORD FANATICS WHO NO ONE PAYS MUCH ATTENTION TO AND POSSIBLY HIM, AND OF COURSE ME, YOU'RE THE ONLY BEING TO KNOW, AS WELL AS THE FIRST I'VE TOLD.
Zone: Uuuuuh, if you give me a second I'm sure I can find a rock or something floating around here to smash my head into until I've lost most of my memory, including that secret, there's no need to erase me from existence, I wouldn't want to put you out *is waving he paws in a furious dismissive gesture of panic*!
Mundus: THAT WILL NOT BE NECESSARY, IT FELT GOOD TO GET OFF MY CHEST ACTUALLY... IS THERE ANYTHING I COULD DO FOR YOU IN RETURN?
Zone: *Is in semi-severe shock* uh, uh, uh... Not, sure, I uh mean, I don't want to put you out sir Emperor sir, I'm just starting out, building some evil gadgets and hoping against the odds I might somehow get nominated at Offenders.
Mundus: IF YOU NEED A NOMINATION, I CAN ARRANGE IT FOR YOU, AS MANY AS YOU NEED.
Zone: You, really... Mean that *is in disbelief*?
Mundus: YES.
Zone: Well, I wouldn't want to get in unfairly... What am I saying? I'm a tyrant, or trying to become one, of course I would! Um, yes please on that nomination thing Mundus, I mean Emperor sir!
Mundus: VERY WELL, I'LL ARRANGE IT WHEN I GET BACK.
Zone: Uh, speaking of back, do you want to um, head back to, back, um, maybe drop me off at my lab if its not too much inconvenience, please?
Mundus: ... WELL, I GUESS I SHOULD GO...
Zone: OK, well, bye, Mundus, and thanks a lot!
Mundus: BUT...
Zone ... But *speaks nervously*?
Mundus: BUT... I, DO NOT FEEL LIKE IT AT THIS TIME.
Zone: Oh... OK, um, if its not intruding, may I ask why sir Emperor sir?
Mundus: BECAUSE... BECAUSE I AM, I AM...
Zone: ... You're?
Mundus: ...
Zone: You're... Lonely?
Mundus: *In a quiet voice, for him anyway* yes.
Zone: Oh... Well, we can stay for a while, if you want, maybe you could tell me about your career, or whatever you want of course, hehe. Uh, perhaps you could share some tips, if you feel like it Emperor sir.
Mundus: THAT SOUNDS, GOOD, AND CALL ME MUNDUS, I HAVE ENOUGH MINIONS AND ENEMIES CALLING ME EVERYTHING ELSE.
Zone: OK, well, where do you want to start, Mundus?
Subject and Item 3 begin talking about all things tyrannical, and experiment ends...
The Hamster Interaction Experimental Laboratory is now open for business.
Experiments Completed: 7
Experiments Pending: 3
Last Experiment: 14th September 2005
Note: For the purposes of these experiments I am referred to as "Subject".
Another Note: I changed the date on this so it should always be up front, aren't I clever :D?
SUPER NOTE: I do intend to do these, although I don't know how many more I can fit in one entry, but even though it's been like, forever, I still intend to do them some time.
7th June 2005: Session 1
1st item, a barbecue flavoured Walkers crips.
2nd item, a cute bonnet made for rodents.
3rd item, an AK-47.
Subject enters lab, and proceeds to deposit box.
OK, this is my first time at this so, here's hoping it goes well *grins with expectation*. OK, first item ever for me to interact with as chosen by a generous reader is *drumroll*... A crisp. A poorly spelled crisp. *Drums implode* what do you expect me to do with a crisp? Its not even a packet, you cheap ass! Its a BBQ flavoured crisp, made by Walkers, not that I could tell normally, since its only one single crisp! Fine, fine, sorry about that, I said whatever you people wanted, so here, blink and you'll miss it!
Subject breaks Item 1 in half, puts both pieces in mouth (doing the puffy cheeks thing for a moment), chews, swallows and licks lips.
There, the crisp was quite nice, though not very satisfying, and tasted as advertised, of something you would associate with a BBQ. Is it just me or do BBQs normally smell better than they taste? Speaking of smell *sniffs air* is something cooking? *Looks behind himself* AHH! Not again!
Subject runs around in mad panic with rear on fire... For quite a while.
Why why why?! It doesn't even make sense! Owy its hot!!! Blue Alert, Blue Alert!
Subject voice-activates sprinkler system. Subject and lab are left soaked.
Phew, but man, I'm drenched, my fur is all wet and hanging down like, at least I hardly lost any fur from my behind this time. *Shivers* brr, this water is cold, best stay active, OK, next item, I hope it isn't so dangerous...
Subject shakes, becoming slightly less wet for it, and proceeds to Item 2.
Its a... Bonnet, my size too, hmm... Well, I guess its pretty obvious what I do with it.
Subject puts Item 2 on own head.
Hmm, now if only I had a mirror or something... I know! *Goes over to puddle from sprinkler system* this works, heheh, this thing is kinda cute, I wonder *tries a considerably feminine pose*. Heh, wow I look pretty, neat *tries another*, ooh, someone's sexy, yes the- *Stops mid-sentence, blinks* what? What am I doing?!
Subject hastily removes bonnet, and throws it away from self.
Whoa, that thing does weird things to you! That was creepy, there's no way that's a normal bonnet, no way. Unless it was me, but I've never been like that. Well, there was that one time with Steve... No, that's a secret the world shall never know, it was definitely the hat, definitely. OK, moving on quickly.
Subject approaches Item 3.
... Ooh I see, right I get the game here. The things that look harmless are all actually dangerous, like a crisp or a cute er, I mean a normal-looking bonnet. So in turn, the things that look dangerous are, in fact, totally harmless! This thing is way too big for me to carry, but I should be able to...
Subject pushes against trigger, struggles, back paws scrabbling against floor...
Wow, this thing is stiff, and I can't get it to shoot off... OK, that was a seriously bad choice of wording, bad hamster! Stop, making, yourself, look, stupid!
Subject is slapping self...
OK, now, here goes!
Subject charges into and successfully depresses trigger.
... There! I knew it, this thing isn't even loaded. I'm on top of the game now, I've got you all figured out.
Subject points around at the walls, stops, coughs lightly, and walks round to the barrel of Item 3.
In fact, this thing probably isn't even real, a replica like you get in cheap museums I bet. I'd kick this thing in contempt, if only I could do so without losing my balance. I wonder how realistic it is? Not very I bet.
Subject goes up to barrel tip of Item 3, and looks into the hole there.
I thought so, this is so obviously fake, like right here there should be-
A gunshot is heard...
8th June 2005: Session 2
1. Another hamster, female
2. A snorkle
3. A camera
Subject enters lab.
Well I'm back! Bet you didn't expect to see me again, at least, not without some serious ventilation through the head, but here I am *pats head to emphasize*. Well lets see what I've got to interact with today, I'll try to be more cautious this time.
Subject walks over to deposit box, presses release button, and jumps back approximately 2 feet.
... *Opens eyes* Is it safe? Well, only one way to find out...
Subject nervously approaches deposit box, and peers inside.
Its, my God its another hamster! Are you people crazy, these things are air-tight! He's not breathing!
Subject sniffs Item 1.
I mean, she, she's not breathing, oh God oh God what do I do?! OK OK OK, um, uh, CPR! They taught it in school, a little, um... Oh I don't have time to think!
Subject places own mouth on the mouth of Item 1, and breaths into it twice, then places front paws on chest of Item 1 and presses down twice, and repeats.
*Between breaths* you know... These flexible cheeks... Mean hamsters are quite... Good at CPR... Little fact... For you there.
Subject fails to notice Item 1 regain consciousness. Item 1 does not fail to notice Subject's fuzzy mouth on her own and paws on her chest.
*Notices her looking at him, eyes open wide* oh, are you OK? I thought you were-
Subject is knocked out by a punch in the face from Item 1. Item 1 kicks the unconscious form of Subject and leaves the lab.
...
Subject comes to half an hour later.
Owwwww, my jaw, and my butt. Man she packs a punch, whoever she was, owy. That's the thanks I get for trying to save her life, hey, people, if you're going to send something live, leave a note in brackets or something OK? Well, the show must go on, lets see what's next.
Subject groggily approaches Item 2.
Its a snorkel, well, that seems innocent enough... Its probably extremely deadly then *sighs*. I don't have any water about, but its too big for me anyway. OK, here goes nothing.
Subject nudges Item 2 with nose, winces in anticipation, then licks Item 2 lightly.
Well its not exploding on contact, and it tastes normal, so hopefully its not coated in poison or anything. If I'm not mistaken, this is the end that goes in your mouth, well, if you're a human anyway.
Subject grips edges of mouth-piece of Item 2 and sniffs and looks around inside.
There's these plastic, shapes, um, I think they're designed to fit around the teeth and general shape of a human mouth, so it doesn't come out too easily, and a bit deeper in the pipe itself stammmffffpphph!
Subject has gotten own mouth and nose stuck in Item 2.
Ffr ffcks sskk! tts sttck, frrm thh ssctttn, hhlp!
Subject panics.
Gtt tt fff gtt it fff!
Subject runs around panicking.
*Muffled screams...*
Subject runs snorkel-first into a wall, jamming own head further into Item 2, blinding self but freeing up mouth.
Now I'm blind! Pink Alert, Pink Alert!
Subject's voice, harmonically modified by the snorkel, is not recognized by lab computers.
Oh come on, gimme a break here! OK, you are coming off right now!
Subject places all four paws on rim of Item 2 and lying on back pushes as hard as possible, attempting to free own head...
Come, on, I mean. Come... Off!
Subject succeeds in removing Item 2 from own head with a loud pop, and drops it on the floor, panting from exertion.
THERE! WHAT? OH NO I'VE GONE DEAF! I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF! OR MODERATE MY VOICE I BET, I WONDER HOW LOAD I'M TALKING... I HOPE I GET MY HEARING BACK SOON. I GUESS I SHOULD MOVE ON TO THE THIRD ITEM...
Subject approaches Item 3.
ITS A CAMERA, UM, NOT A VIDEO CAMERA, PLAIN OLD VANILLA PHOTO "SAY CHEESE" KIND, I COULD GO FOR A CHEESE PIZZA... UH, ANYWAY, WAIT, IT HAS A DELAY TIMER ON IT, THE KIND THAT MEANS EVERYONE CAN BE IN THE PHOTO, HOW HANDY. LETS SEE, SHOULD BE EASY ENOUGH...
Subject sets up Item 3, then scurries into the photo field and strikes a dominant pose.
I COULD USE THIS FOR SOME "OBEY THE TYRANT!" POSTERS AND STUFF...
Subject waits... And nothing happens. Perplexed, subject stops posing and goes over to Item 3.
HUH? I SET THE TIMER RIGHT, WHY ISN'T IT-
Subject is looking right into lens of Item 3, when it goes off. Subject yelps and recoils back from the flash, flailing arms and falling over onto own back, going "OOF!" while doing so...
NOW I CAN'T SEE PROPERLY EITHER! THERE'S LIGHTS EVERYWHERE AND STUFF, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M STILL TELLING YOU THIS, I DON'T DESERVE THIS DO I?
Subject rubs own eyes. Item 3 goes off again.
WHAT! WHY DID YOU JUST TAKE A PICTURE OF MY ASS!? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!
Subject jumps up and grabs Item 3 aggressively. Item 3 goes off again.
GAH! STOP BLINDING ME!! DIE YOU STUPID THING!!!
Subject, currently half blind, swings Item 3 about and smashes it against the floor over and over, breaking it, Item 3 going of repeatedly while this is going on.
DIE DIE DIE YOU DUMB CAMERA!!!
Subject smashes Item 3 to pieces, and stands there panting and worked up. Film from Item 3 rolls across the floor and bumps into Subject's leg gently.
HUH? HOW COULD IT ROLL TOWARDS ME? IF IT HAD ENOUGH MOMENTUM TO HIT A WALL AND COME BACK TO ME IT WOULD BE BADLY DAMAGED IF NOT DESTROYED BY THE IMPACT, I KNOW THESE THINGS, I'M A HAMSTER TYRANT! WHATEVER, I GUESS I'LL PUT THIS SOMEWHERE AND THINK ABOUT WHAT TO DO WITH IT LATER, NOT THAT I IMAGINE I CAN FIND MUCH USE FOR A PHOTO OF MY OWN BUTT... I WANT MY HEARING BACK.
Subject sniffs, and exits lab with film from Item 3.
11th June 2005: Session 3
1. Burnt toast [one slice]
2. Salad Fork
3. A roll of Aluminum-foil
Subject enters lab, smiling happily.
Hiya, its me again, heheh. You might be wondering why I'm so cheerful, right? Well, over the last couple of days I did some pondering and I realized that even though I've suffered from half a dozen items which caused me discomfort (to put it lightly) in a row, they can't all be bad for me can they? I mean, you people don't actually hate me or anything do you? So like, it figures that sooner or later I can walk away from an experiment, or at least an item, unscathed. That's why I'm so happy right now, because I reckon I'm long overdue already.
Subject walks, humming a tune, over to deposit box, and withdraws Item 1.
There, its some toast, one slice, nothing harmful about it *grins hopefully*, the most malicious aspect of this piece of toasted bread is that its been overdone quite a bit. In fact *rubs paw on slice*, it leaves some sort of black residue on you, hmm...
Subject draws a black circle around self on lab floor.
Heheh, this gives me an idea.
Subject drags Item 1 to lab perimeter, and begins drawing on wall.
*Sticking tongue out in concentration* lets see, these can be all puny like, and lets just do this and...
Subject has drawn self on wall, with hopelessly exaggerated stature and muscle-mass, standing tall in victorious pose over tiny cowering and fleeing stick humaniods.
There, nice and accurate *flexes arm and grins goofily*, the toast seems to be running low though, probably not much more I can do with it. Well, I guess its time for the next item.
Subject approaches Item 2.
OK, so next we have... A fork, um, I think its a salad fork. Quite an elegant one too, looks like the kind of thing you bust out with the silver-wear when you've got some VIP guests *lifts it upright, with a little difficulty*. Its a tad awkward for me to handle, but, hey, this looks quite cool like this, like a sort of, regal scepter, or staff, yeah a staff, too big to me for a scepter. Maybe I should get something like this when I rule the world, to help lord over my minions. *Performs sweeping gesture with fork to whole room, and puts on commanding voice (or tries to anyway)* you shall all do my bidding puny minions! No-whoa! *Accidentally drops fork* oops, heh, I think I'll get a slightly smaller one than this though. Although...
Subject returns to Item 1 with Item 2, and places latter against wall, using residue from Item 1 to draw an outline around it.
Hey, its a perfect scale for my drawing though, and I'm plunging it triumphantly into a hospital too, sweet! Hahah, this is really fun! OK, last item now...
Subject goes over to Item 3.
Oooooh, shiny... Hey, I think my fur is a little messed up here *licks paw and slicks back fur on top of head into place in reflection*, there, better. Now what to do with this, I wonder... Oh, I know, I got an idea!
Subject runs over to Item 2, grabs it and hastily returns to Item 3 with it.
Now, if I can get the dimensions right, *unrolls some foil* OK, now I'm about so-so big... This long, and, this wide, give a little extra just to be sure *cuts foil using fork and teeth*, OK, now here's hoping... Its fits me perfectly! Ooh and it feels nice too.
Subject has fashioned a cape out of part of Item 3 for self.
I am... The Caped Tyrant! Hahah, weeeee! *Runs around with salad fork and throws it like a javelin in excitement* this looks so cool, capes always were a good hero or villain accessory, I should get me one, or just keep this, its so shiny! Ooh! I gotta add this to my picture.
Subject rushes over to Item 1 and uses the last of the black substance to add a cape on self in drawing.
Wow I look so dominant, I wonder if I'll ever really be like that, I sure hope so. Well, that's all the items experimented with, and I didn't get hurt once! Caped Tyrant away!
Subject wraps cape around self and runs to leave lab, banging head on door which doesn't open so quickly as Subject moves.
Ow, heh, oooops, um, Caped Tyrant away take two...
Subject leaves lab, still in cape.
28th June 2005: Session 4
1. Rocket launcher, mini-style.
2. One titanium cage.
3. An fem bot hamster in pink.
Subject enters lab, waving an air freshener can around.
Man, its been a while, this place is all stuffy like *sprays some more, and sets can down by entrance*, sorry about the long delay everyone, as some of you might know I've been quite busy for a while with all sorts, and when I got back this wasn't the only thing waiting for me. But now, now is time, for another hamster interactive experiment!
Subject winks, and goes over to deposit box, and picks up Item 1.
Whoahoaha! Someone REALLY likes me, *picks up the rocket launcher, which is just the right size for him* ooh that feels good to hold, what a sense of power!
Subject lifts Item 1 up and rests it on his shoulder, sighting along the barrel with one paw on the trigger and the other steadying the weapon.
Ahh this feels, nice, its like, so natural, and empowering *points it at various places on the far wall, then sees the air freshener can* oooooh now that's just too tempting.
Subject points Item 1 at air freshener, steadies it, and pulls the trigger, sending a mini-rocket flying through the air... Into the wall behind Subject, who was holding Item 1 backwards.
*Is sent flying forwards and skidding across the floor on his front* Aaaaah-owy-ow-oof! *Comes to a stop near his original target, and gets up* ooh, ouch, um, I'm OK, but man, this thing packs a punch! I love it! Shame it only has two more shots, guess I'll just, wait *sniffs air* aw no, not again, its just not fair...
Subject looks over his other shoulder, the one without Item 1 on it, and see's own butt on fire. Subject runs around trying to beat out fire with Item 1, wailing the whole way...
Hot hot Hot HOT HOT-HOT!
Subject finally puts out fire, sighs in relief and turns Item 1 around to face the right way.
OK, OK lets, just try that again *shuffles a bit towards wall, and takes aim, double-checking rocket launcher is right way round* right, lets enjoy this one now shall we? Wait, what am I saying, you all probably love seeing me running around on fire don't you? Sadists *sticks tongue out* anyway, fire in the hole!
Subject pulls trigger, and aim true, the mini-rocket flies right into the air freshener and blows it up, igniting the contents for an impressive secondary explosion.
*Shading his eyes with a paw* whoohoo! Oh yeah, BOOM! Fire, hahaha! Destruction and chaos, gotta love it *grins madly and strokes the barrel of the weapon*. Still got one round left too, what a beautiful toy this is, hehehe...
Subject looks around the lab.
Hmm, but a decided lack of targets, well, lets save it for later, something might hit me, in fact, something usually does, heheh.
Subject puts down Item 1 and goes to inspect Item 2.
Um, its a cage, about the size you could keep a pet hamster in, I'm hoping there's not some hidden message implied there, that would be mean you know? Well, I'll trust there isn't, lets see *taps a bar with his paw*, that's titanium if I'm not mistaken. So, a titanium cage, um, with no door or anything, what can I do with this then?
Subject looks around thoughtfully, and sees Item 1 again.
... Aah, I guess I could always make an entry myself, heheh. *Picks up rocket launcher, backs away and takes aim* lets see how solid this cage is then.
Subject takes aim, and fires, the mini-rocket flying through the bars into the cage and hitting it trying to fly out the other side, exploding and shattering the cage into a rapidly expanding razor-edged storm.
WHAA! *Ducks as a piece of shrapnel shaves the tips of the fur on the top of his head off, and back-peddles from the airborne meat-grinder rapidly* help help help me someone! *Bumps into the wall he's backed into, and looks down as a pole spears deep into the wall right between his legs*...
Subject's eyes cross as, legs shaking, Subject very slowly steps over pole, which has trapped a few strands of Subject's fur that Subject leaves behind, and backs away from it, eyes wide staring at it.
I, uh, I *drops onto his behind, heart going a mile a minute, staring at it whimpering* that was, a close shave *gulps*. I should really be less reckless sometimes, OK, OK, keep it together, compose yourself *does some controlled breathing* right... Right, lets see this final item now.
Subject gets up, and a little shakily goes over to Item 3.
... OK, now I don't usually go into this sort of thing, but I am a studying tyrant, and I know a fem-bot when I see one, they're famous in many tyrannical evil schemes, and this one, is a hamster, in pink *crosses arms and sighs*. Look, I know you all like me, and are probably a tiny bit curious at times, and I appreciate the gesture and all, really I do. But honestly, how many of you want to see me get my furry thing on?! If you have any questions you can always ask me in private you know? Ahh anyway, I have to interact with this in some way, lets see, maybe there's some settings I can put on something other than X-rated...
Subject checks controls on Item 3.
Here we go, I'll set this one to Massage, and this to Back, that should be safely far away enough from anything, um, personal... Anyway *drops onto front paws and lies down*, lets see what this thing can do.
Subject lies in front of Item 3, which hums to life and immediately starts giving Subject a back massage.
Ah-oohhooohhh *hears a few clicks come from his back and shoulders* ahh that's just incredible *melts into the floor as his back is worked expertly* now this, I can go with. I think I'm just going to stay here for a while and let this thing work off my tensions, or whatever chiropractors say, heh. Um, how do I end this without leaving? Oh yeah, Code Z!
Subject deactivates link and experiment ends with Subject sighing and yawning as Item 3 massages his lower back...
1st July 2005: Session 5
... okay... o_0 PEACHES!!!!
Subject enters lab at a mellow pace and walks casually over to deposit box, talking as he goes.
Aah I tell you, all of you, that Fem Bot is working out great! Whenever things just seem too much I set her to back massage and just, relax. Once its all over my worries are gone and I can face my problems refreshed. I've not had many problems with her either, finding a place to store her was easy enough, there was that one time she ran out of power and after I recharged her I didn't notice she'd reset to default settings, but *blushes*, now isn't a good time to talk about that, heh. Anyway, what do we have to work with today?
Subject inspects Items 1.
Well er, they are, or appear to be, several peaches, a lot of, large, uh, peaches, um...
Subject looks perplexed.
OK then, well they're the only thing I've been left here too so, best make the most of them I guess. Say, I don't think I've ever tried peach, Steve said he liked them, I wonder, maybe these are still fresh *sniffs one*, smells alright. Well um, here goes nothing!
Subject bites into one of Items 1.
Mmm! These are juicy! Wow *bites off some more* they're really fresh and tasty, and so, so juicy! *Grins and wipes his lips off with a paw* its almost as much of a drink as food, I better take smaller bites because I'm spilling some juice here, I- Hey shut up! *Sticks tongue out* God you people have the dirtiest minds, I can practically hear you thinking those foul thoughts, honestly, anyway, I'm going to have some more of this peach now, carefully, because its very juicy and I don't want to get the juice from the fruit on me *is talking in a spell it out way*. OK? OK, no twisting my words now, you people have forever tainted once innocent words like wet, sticky, juice, stop limiting my vocabulary already! *Sticks tongue out again, then bites into peach and sits down enjoying a fresh meal* this is really nice though, I'll have to call Steve and see if he wants that fiver I bet him I wouldn't like it, ah childhood memories *licks his lips and smiles reminiscing*.
Subject has half eaten one of Items 1.
Well, I'm pretty full, looks like this stuff doesn't fill you up much quickly, because I've eaten almost my own size out of this one. What to do now... Hmm, hey I've got a crazy idea!
Subject backs away from half-eaten Item 1, and takes a running leap into it, since its now shaped roughly like a helmet.
Weeeee!!!
Subject and Item 1 go zooming across lab floor and into a wall, Item 1 bursting into pieces and dumping Subject upside down on head against wall.
Wheehehee, that was fun! Heheh *rights himself and pulls a piece of peach off his head, grinning excited* I wanna go again! But there's no way I'll be able to eat out, hush you, eat enough of another of those to ride it, ah you know what, just go ahead and make jokes then *sticks tongue out yet again*, honestly I can't conduct some benign experiments safe from certain people's imaginations. Well, as long as you're enjoying it I guess, just don't drive away everyone else alright? Anyway, back to the problem at paw. Lets see... Ooh, inspiration strikes!
Subject gets out his lightsaber and activates it, a red beam roughly half a foot long being generated from it.
Cool huh? And anyone who says this is a phallic symbol one can answer to Mr.Saber here and two, how big do you think my ego is? Ahem, anyway, time to get Sith on these peaches!
Subject leaps at another of Items 1 and with a few mid-air slashes, cuts it down into a suitable ride, the detached pieces sliding off as Subject lands.
Heheh, what? Didn't you know? Hamsters make the best Ninjas *twirls his lightsaber round dramatically with one paw*. Heheh, well, not really, and I know its a Jedi weapon not Ninja, but some of the skills overlap, anyway, don't think I just picked this thing up and was this good, I trained hard and long to get where I am, and I'm not really that far either, peaches don't exactly defend themselves... Anyway, *swishes saber a couple of times* I'm OK with it and well, I'll keep working at it and hopefully improve. Anyway, again, time to ride, weeeee! *Takes a running dive into the newly furnished half-peach* yahay!
Subject continues to ride each and every one of Items 1 around the lab, breaking them one after the other, until none are left intact.
Whehey *is kinda dizzy and worn out* that was quite a lot of fun actually, and to think I was worried that a one item experiment would be no fun. Well, I'll have to get this place cleaned up later, but for now, I guess that's it, time for me to leave and- *screen blurs...*
Subject is caught in a random encounter, battle music plays.
Huh, what the?
Subject is confronted by three Justice Gunners.
Gah, what the Hell are these guys doing here? Aren't they meant to only go after major bad-guys? Hey, cool! I'm being treated as a serious threat! Yay!
Subject is attacked by Justice Gunner 1, and loses 12 HP (87 remaining).
Owy! OK its cool but I want to live long enough to celebrate it, say, when did we move to the middle of the laboratory anyway? Aah whatever *holds saber ready*, take this!
Subject attacks Justice Gunner 1, dealing 63 damage and killing it.
*Pats his lightsaber* gotta love the attack power on these babies, now to get these two- *swipes at second enemy, doing nothing*. What?! *Looks at a bar over his head* blasted ATB system! *Swipes at opponents again in frustration, to no avail* guess I have to wait my turn *backs up and stands ready*.
Subject is attacked by Justice Gunner 2, but dodges.
Aha! Now its your turn!
Subject attacks Justice Gunner 2, dealing 71 damage and killing it.
Say, I wonder if I'll get a level up from this?
Subject attacks Justice Gunner 3, dealing 58 damage and killing it.
Whoohoo! *Does a victory dance swinging his saber around.*
Subject's celebrations are cut short as a boss encounter occurs out of nowhere.
Huh? Hey, cool music, but what's that? *Sees boss, a giant knight in shining armour with a very big sword* ahh its huge!
Subject is attacked by Justice Champion, and loses 31 HP (56 remaining).
OWY! That really hurt, you ass!
Subject attacks Justice Champion, dealing 17 damage.
Wha? Oh man, I'm in trouble...
Subject is attacked by Justice Champion's Light Wave special attack, and loses 47 HP (9 remaining).
Owy *is breathing hard* I can't take another one of those, I'm done for... Wait, unless.
Subject summons Mega Laser Tank.
*Quickly gets into tank and activates it* alright buddy, now lets see what you're made of.
Subject is attacked by Justice Champion's Light Wave special attack, and loses 23 HP (976 remaining).
Hahah, never mess with a tyrant in his own lab! Now to push the big red button on you *pushes aforementioned big red button in tank*!
Subject's Mega Laser Tank attacks Justice Champion with Giant Laser special attack, dealing 298 damage and killing it.
*Watches as opponent goes down in expensive looking death sequence* yay I won *hugs the controls of his tank*. And I got a level up too, whoohoo! *Gets out of tank and looks at it lovingly, then at lab exit* um, this could be a problem though...
Subject gets a tape measure and starts trying to figure a way of getting his tank out the door while avoiding stepping on pieces of peach or enemy lying around as experiment ends...
11th August 2005: Session 6
Item #1 : A glass panther statue
Item #2 : An electrical chair (hamster size)
Item #3 : A meat-grinder (not hamster size)
Subject enters lab with a lit match in one paw and a tiny spray can of Ghost-B-Gone in the other.
... Hello? No unwelcome spirits about? Good *puts down can*, wow I left this place a while didn't I? I feel kinda ashamed, oh well, guess I'll just get one with it, the-OW!
Subject drops match, which had burnt down all the way and scorched his right paw, and is left in the dark.
Owyowyowy, hot-hot... GAH! *Trips over spray can while trying to shake the feeling back into his paw* oh boy, some things never change *gets up rubbing his paw*. Lets do this before I manage to concuss myself, OK, which way was the deposit box? Oh yeah, over here *walks over to it*.
Subject pushes a button with his left paw, and Item 1 is deposited on the floor.
Its uh... Well its a glass statue, of a panther I think. *Looks around for a few seconds* what do I look like, an art critic? Great, first time in over a month, and I get a tricky one, I mean its too heavy to really move, too smooth to climb, uhh...
Subject is at a loss...
... Ahah! If I can't do much with it, I can do something to it *chuckles, and gets out his lightsaber*, I am so glad I always keep this on me, I even sleep with it... Shut up. Anyway, lets turn it on and, I will go death ray on anyone who laughs, even a little! Give me a break, I'm out of practice, anyway *activates lightsaber*, time to get Picasso on this panther.
Subject starts slashing away at Item 1 with lightsaber.
A little off here *swings*... A lot thinner, easy, not too short *makes a few more precise reductions, then stands back*, there, uh I mean, tada! *Grins and indicates the remains of the statue with a paw, which he's crafted into a to-scale model Eiffel Tower* cool huh? I always wanted to own a few famous national monuments, its a tyrant thing, I guess this is a start, hehe. Although, looking it at it at my own height, it is very phallic. I mean, I never got a great look at it like this before, although I seem to have done a good job of recreating it considering. Heheh, guess I'm getting better with this thing *hefts lightsaber with a grin*. But you know what? This is just too, too, French. In fact, France is off the world domination map, the place sucks, I mean seriously, I struggle as a tyrant I know, but I'm not desperate. I refuse to conquer it, I think I'll just send rejects and waste there, considering the people and so-called perfume already infesting the place, I don't think it'll arouse any suspicion.
Subject cuts the altered Item 1 in half with lightsaber.
Well, that's that done, guess its on with the experiment.
Subject moves onto Item 2, giving his right paw few shakes as he does.
Hey, I think my paw is better, neat, I was worried I might be, badly... Burned.
Subject stares at Item 2, and slumps over almost onto all fours.
Its, its a... Its an electric chair, a custom-made, hamster-sized electric chair. *Gulps and shivers* is this what you want to happen to me? Is this what you think I deserve, what you want to see?! You wanna see me fry?!? What did I do to earn this *sobs sadly hanging his head*? I mean, I know I'm not perfect, maybe I'm sometimes, usually, kinda a little... Very insane, but, the chair?!?! *Sniffles and wipes his eyes with a paw* a, alright, I'm going to do this, I'm going to strap myself in, hey, look, its made so you can turn it on while you're tied down on it, whoo-hoo *says this half-heartedly, and slowly walks over to it*. Well, here goes, I dunno how many ways you people think this can go, but there's only one way to find out *get into chair*. OK, come on little guy, chin up, you gotta suffer for your art, OK, OK *tries to psyche himself up*. OK, but I'm going to kill the sound, I don't think there's much to be gained by hearing me squeal like a sissy, plus I wouldn't mind holding on to a tiny scraping of my dignity, if there's any left *straps himself in*. Besides, you don't want to hear that do you? Wait, what am I saying, I must be mad after all. Well, here's to shocking turns of events *turns the sound off on the recording system*!
Subject closes his eyes, braces and turns on the chair.
*Censored*
Subject weakly takes off the restraints, and gets out of the chair, stumbling forwards and shakily reactivating the sound.
*Fur is all sticking out like some kind of hedgehog, opens his mouth and smoke comes out, coughs a couple of times, and finally manages to speak, with a whisper of a voice* well, I am a pin cushion, I hope you're all happy. *Looks at his fur and hopelessly tries to smooth some of it down* now lets, huh? *Spots something, picks it up* its a note, looks like it fell off the chair, lets see, "please have fun with the electrical chair", err, wait a second. ElectricAL?! As in zoom around fun thing? But this is an electric chair! *Goes over to the chair and scans it over, finding a brief product description on the back, too small to read unless you're small to*... You have got to be kidding me, you sent me the wrong chair, you got to read the fine print you know?! Oh man, you mean, I went through all that, for nothing? Oh for...
Subject kills sound again and rants and screams for a good 30 seconds.
*Calms down, and turns the sound back on* sorry about that, heheh, uh, lets just call it practice for tyrant-like maniacal rage, OK *gives a pleading look*. Right um *grins nervously* lets see, one more item to go.
Subject goes over to Item 3, smoothing down his fur as he does, and yelping from the electrical shocks the floor keeps giving his highly charged body.
Ya! I'm glad these floors are static-resistant. Oh, its a meat-grinder, I mean, its kind of plain what it is, pretty no-nonsense design, you know? *Gives another nervous grin* now I'm not going to lose it or anything, I'm kinda ashamed of that little, err, slip-up back there, ahem *scratches his head sheepishly*, but... You don't actually expect me to get in this do you? I mean, really, its a meat grinder, its so symbolic of not surviving that genocidal military missions are sometimes named after it. Uh, maybe I'm missing something, I'm all out of practice, guess that's why I missed that note. Well, lets look at it, maybe I'll spot another note or something.
Subject goes closer and inspects Item 3, looking around it all at his height. Subject then sniffs it lightly.
Ooh, minty, wonder what they put on these to make them smell fresh, its nice, heheh. Um, lets see, buttons, I got to love buttons on the whole, they can do some cool things, my favourite are the big red ones personally. Heh, getting side-tracked here, anyway, this must be the one to turn it on, well, might as see what its capable of.
Subject goes to push button, and as Subject does the massive residual charge from Item 2 in Subject's body transfers into Item 3 due to high metal content, and blows it up.
*Is frozen on the spot as the meat-grinder explodes into an expanding cloud of very sharp and/or pointy bits moving really fast. After a few moments, blinks and looks around, seeing the devastation all around him, then looks at himself and using the paw he tried to push the button with, gently feels himself to see if he's all there. Looks around once more* ... Oops. Err, well I, guess that's the end of this experiment, um, I'm just going to clean up in here, then spend several hours researching and praying to Gods in thanks for me still being in one piece. I mean, my butt isn't even on fire, that's what I call a miracle!
Subject goes to get something to start clearing mess up with, and experiment ends...
14th September 2005: Session 7
An ambulance
A woodchucker with a snoopy blanket
Mundus
Subject enters lab muttering to self.
... That would be, oh, hi all, heh, uh, don't mind me, I've just been working hard at an annual tyrant convention, The September Offenders, its low-key, but its my first one and I'm trying my best. First week is the signing up period, then next week is open sessions, aspiring tyrants like myself are free to mingle, discuss, display our devious devices and insidious schemes, to quote the leaflet. Its a lot of fun *grins*, today was the final day of that, now the nominations begin. Tyrants nominate one another with of course plenty of dirty dealing and double crossing *sighs happily in admiration*, then all the nominees advance to week 3, although anyone who signed up is free to hang round. That's when you really strut your stuff, if you get nominated, and vie for official points, if not you either go home, whatever your evil abode is, or hang round to watch. I'm doubtful I'll get nominated, I struggled to get noticed to be honest, heh, but, still, I hope against hope *crosses paws*.
Uh, sorry, yes, right, the experiment! Of course, sorry, this convention is really on my mind a lot, its taken over my life it feels like. Hehe, even our conventions are dominating, I love tyranny! I've been so busy trying my best to prepare for it, that's why this has been so long coming, but now I thought I should take care of it, since if I don't do something I'm going to sit up all night shooting my nerves to pieces wondering if I'm going to be nominated or not. Not that I've abandoned these things, I've just, got to find time, you know? Anyway, um, lets see what you lot have in stock for me this time.
Subject goes over to deposit box, and sees its empty.
Huh? Oh, wait, its too small I guess, lets see *checks a couple of readouts*, yeah its in one of the special large units. Um, well, wonder what it is, guess I'll find out *pushes a button*.
Subject watches, then squeaks in panic and dives to side as Item 1 rolls into lab from large side entrance.
Aah! What the, its an entire full size ambulance! Isn't that ironic, I was almost crushed into paste by an ambulance *shakes his head and gets up*. I have a bad feeling about this one, this whole experiment I mean, why do I get the creeping suspicion I'm going to be the butt of all Irony's jokes today?
Subject approaches Item 1 and looks it over as well as possible.
Well, got to press on, um, I couldn't drive this thing even if there was any real room to drive it in. So, what can I do *scratches his head and ponders*? Uuh, wait, its an ambulance, maybe it has some medical supplies on board, worth a look.
Subject goes round to back of Item 1, and with some effort manages to leap up onto rear step below back doors.
*Panting* I need to get better at this ninja stuff *wipes head with a paw*, anyway, uh, now what? This is probably locked knowing my luck, is nothing easy? Well, screw this, you send me stuff, don't expect it back intact *takes out lightsaber, and grins wickedly*.
Subject cuts through back of Item 1 with lightsaber.
*Now inside* hey they got pillows on the beds *grins, and climbs up onto the bed, jumps on the pillow and laughs*. Hehehe, cozy *snuggles the pillow*... Uh *blinks, and coughs embarrassed*, I mean, watch me oppress these pillows! *Activates lightsaber and slashes up pillow some, sneezing when he gets a bunch of feathers in the face* aah, stupid feathers *sniffs*, anyway, that's what I was doing, I was uh, surprise attacking this pillow, I was in no way hugging it or being soppy... Honest! Err, anyway, let that be a lesson to the rest of you *points at other pillows, pauses, and quietly stops, coughs and hops down to the floor*.
Subject searches Item 1, eventually finding desired target.
Aah, here we go, drugs I aah mean, medicine, and no I don't need it *sticks out tongue while dragging box out from under bed*. OK, oh, right *slashes lock with lightsaber*, now lets, oh, it was unlocked, oops. Anyway, lets see what they have.
Subject rummages around contents of box.
Uuh, bandages, knives and stuff, a lot of needles and pills in bottles, but I'll take forever to remember what each one does. Well, I don't have forever, so, lets just try my luck... That's such a bad idea and I know it, oh well, live and learn, I hope *closes eyes and reaches in at random*.
Subject pulls out small jar of pills.
OK, well, guess this is what I'll take, I mean its in an ambulance, if I only take a little it shouldn't be bad for me. Actually, make that a really small dose, since I'm little too, heh. *Struggles with silly lid, and gets it off* ooh, these pills are blue, cool, *sniffs* don't smell of much, not bad I guess. And here we go.
Subject puts pill in mouth, chews and swallows.
Ugh, well, its not fun, but not bad for a pill I guess, I wish it was smaller so I could swallow it whole. Well, it shouldn't take too long to effect my small body, I wonder what it was anyway *reads label on bottle*. "Sildenafil", umm, I think, that's used to treat... Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension? I think that's it, I wonder how I remember that of all the disorders I've heard of, maybe its famous for doing something more common I can't remember yet. *Blinks, feeling a little funny* whatever its doing its getting to, Sildenafil, Sildenafil *ponders*... Wait, isn't that, no, yes, oh no, it is!
Subject panics and looks down, squeaks, and dives behind box.
*From behind box* oh this is so NOT good, aaaaah *sighs seemingly half in shock, half in enjoyment*, wow, that was the main rush, I guess *is panting slightly*. Ugh, I need to take care of this problem, now, like right now, or 5 minutes ago if that's an option. *Pokes his head up over the box, and careful not to move round from behind or two high over it, reaches around inside* come on, its got to be, here it is, come, here *is struggling to reach, and refuses to lean over the side more*!
Subject grabs chosen needle and quickly carefully injects self in stomach with it.
*Sighing* OK, this sedative should take effect pretty quick *glances down*, yeah, uh, it is, I mean, I can feel it. *Blinks and rubs his eyes, stilfing a yawn* whoa, hope I didn't use too much... OK, crisis averted, or at least contained *comes out from behind box*. Well, that was, uh, that was something that will be hard to forget, but well worth the effort. OK, next item already.
Subject exits Item 1 and approaches Item 2. Conversation Mode Engaged.
Zone: Hey, you're, you're that bird, uuh, what's your name, from Peanuts, with Snoopy, uh... Woodstock!
Woodstock: ...
Zone: ... And, you can't talk, at least, you talk bird, some variety of it anyway, what species are you exactly?
Woodstock: ...
Zone: Right, yes that was a stupid question given the circumstances, sorry.
Woodstock: ... *Pulls Snoopy blanket about self*
Zone: Uh, well, if its OK, I mean, if you don't mind, do you think I could, have your, autograph? Please?
Woodstock: *Nods*
Zone: Hey for real?! Thanks *smiles happily*! Um, just a second *gets pen and paper*.
Woodstock: ...
Zone: OK, got it *hands pen and paper to Woodstock*, if you could just make it out to "Zone The Tyrant Hamster", uh, throw in some greats or an almighty if you feel like it, heh.
Woodstock: ... *Scribbles on paper*
Zone: *Licks his lips, and gets paper back* thanks Woodstock, you're a cool bird man! Well um, I guess you don't want to hang round, let me show you the way out, you can follow the signs and there's a place you can get a ride back just a minute's walk from here *leads Woodstock to the exit, and waves bye as he leaves*. Sweet, that was Woodstock, and I got his autograph! *Looks at the paper excitedly, and does a double-take* you're joking, "...", that's what he signed, oh for God's sake!
Subject drops paper and goes to check out Item 3, a little depressed.
Zone: Ugh, where is it? I'm sure this was a full 3 item experiment... *Turns around still looking, stops, and squeaks in pure terror*
Subject screams like a baby as Item 3 appears before him and replaces lab with vast mysterious void.
Mundus: AGAIN I MUST FACE A *pauses and trails off*...
Zone: *Is now floating and attempting the rarely pulled off trick of hiding the entirety of himself under himself, with little success, but he's strangely determined to keep trying*
Mundus: ... HAMSTER?
Zone: *Peeks out from under his arms and squeaks nervously* uh, strange fate, isn't it?
Mundus: ... YES, STRANGE *able to hear Zone's tiny voice and see his minute form due to supernatural senses*...
Zone: *Gulping but managing to speak running on the forlorn hope that he can some how distract Mundus from wiping him out with a glance* and ironic, too.
Mundus: HOW SO?
Zone: Well, I'm uh, an aspiring tyrant, believe it or, most likely not, and uh, I'm attending my first convention, I just got back from it, actually. And now, I uh, get to meet one of the best in the business *smiles nervously*.
Mundus: *Arching an eye-brow that Zone could use for a slide* ONE OF?
Zone: *Sweating with panic* I mean the best, the very best of course! Sorry, slip of the tongue there, obviously I meant the best there ever was or ever will be, you, The Emperor Of The Underworld, Mundus *is shouting with urgency to correct himself*!
Mundus: HMM, VERY WELL. YOU MENTIONED YOU ARE ATTENDING A CONVENTION, WHICH ONE?
Zone: Uuh, The September Offenders, it um, my first one, hehehe *trails off into scared silence*...
Mundus: OFFENDERS? THAT WAS MY FIRST CONVENTION TOO, BACK WHEN I WAS "MUNDUS, EMPEROR OF 22 DEVIL DRIVE (RENTED)".
Zone: Oh, how come I didn't see you on the list of previous winners, wait I must have missed it, some how, what year was it?
Mundus: ... *Glares* I DIDN'T WIN. I WASN'T EVEN NOMINATED.
Zone: Oh man, uh... Sorry *squeaks this out closing his eyes waiting to be annihilated*?
Mundus: I WENT TO SEVERAL CONVENTIONS BEFORE I GOT A BREAK, JUST BEFORE THE END OF THE YEAR, I CAME SECOND IN THE BIGGEST OPEN CONVENTION OF THE TIME, EVIL ENTITIES EXPOSITION (E3). I FINALLY BEGAN MAKING IT BIG AFTER THAT, BUT I REMEMBER THOSE EARLY MONTHS, THE CRUSHING FAILURES...
Zone: *Is listening in awe at a lot of things, these facts, that he's hearing them, who he's hearing them from and that he's still alive to hear them* uuh, I, didn't know that... Well, you sure showed them *grins with the manic joy of someone doing so as if their life counted on it*!
Mundus: I DID, AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW BECAUSE I'VE NEVER TOLD ANYONE BEFORE, ALTHOUGH I SUSPECT NELO ANGELO FOUND OUT WHILE SNOOPING AROUND MALLET ISLAND READING OLD RECORDS TO KILL TIME. ASIDE FROM A FEW DIE-HARD RECORD FANATICS WHO NO ONE PAYS MUCH ATTENTION TO AND POSSIBLY HIM, AND OF COURSE ME, YOU'RE THE ONLY BEING TO KNOW, AS WELL AS THE FIRST I'VE TOLD.
Zone: Uuuuuh, if you give me a second I'm sure I can find a rock or something floating around here to smash my head into until I've lost most of my memory, including that secret, there's no need to erase me from existence, I wouldn't want to put you out *is waving he paws in a furious dismissive gesture of panic*!
Mundus: THAT WILL NOT BE NECESSARY, IT FELT GOOD TO GET OFF MY CHEST ACTUALLY... IS THERE ANYTHING I COULD DO FOR YOU IN RETURN?
Zone: *Is in semi-severe shock* uh, uh, uh... Not, sure, I uh mean, I don't want to put you out sir Emperor sir, I'm just starting out, building some evil gadgets and hoping against the odds I might somehow get nominated at Offenders.
Mundus: IF YOU NEED A NOMINATION, I CAN ARRANGE IT FOR YOU, AS MANY AS YOU NEED.
Zone: You, really... Mean that *is in disbelief*?
Mundus: YES.
Zone: Well, I wouldn't want to get in unfairly... What am I saying? I'm a tyrant, or trying to become one, of course I would! Um, yes please on that nomination thing Mundus, I mean Emperor sir!
Mundus: VERY WELL, I'LL ARRANGE IT WHEN I GET BACK.
Zone: Uh, speaking of back, do you want to um, head back to, back, um, maybe drop me off at my lab if its not too much inconvenience, please?
Mundus: ... WELL, I GUESS I SHOULD GO...
Zone: OK, well, bye, Mundus, and thanks a lot!
Mundus: BUT...
Zone ... But *speaks nervously*?
Mundus: BUT... I, DO NOT FEEL LIKE IT AT THIS TIME.
Zone: Oh... OK, um, if its not intruding, may I ask why sir Emperor sir?
Mundus: BECAUSE... BECAUSE I AM, I AM...
Zone: ... You're?
Mundus: ...
Zone: You're... Lonely?
Mundus: *In a quiet voice, for him anyway* yes.
Zone: Oh... Well, we can stay for a while, if you want, maybe you could tell me about your career, or whatever you want of course, hehe. Uh, perhaps you could share some tips, if you feel like it Emperor sir.
Mundus: THAT SOUNDS, GOOD, AND CALL ME MUNDUS, I HAVE ENOUGH MINIONS AND ENEMIES CALLING ME EVERYTHING ELSE.
Zone: OK, well, where do you want to start, Mundus?
Subject and Item 3 begin talking about all things tyrannical, and experiment ends...