How to Win Friends and Influence People?
As Jon and I were driving over to Fredericksburg yesterday to see their community theatre's production of Man of La Mancha (not at all a Valentine's Day kind of show, but good nonetheless), we got to talking. People can fuss and fret all they want about how to handle relationships, but I still maintain that if you can't have good conversations with your partner, you're dating the wrong person.
As part of some pre-marital counseling that we're trying to get going (the pastor at the church is really busy, etc.), Jon and I are having to read this book, His Needs, Her Needs: How to Build an Affair-Proof Marriage. And yea, it is indeed a really odd book for a couple who are going through pre-marital counseling. The book was originally written in 1989, and has not been updated since, and it shows; the guy's research methods are a bit iffy (40,000 case studies is still only case studies), and I've written lots of snarky comments in the margins because I think the guy generalizes way more than necessary. But that's neither here nor there.
As part of the reading process, Jon and I had to go through this hugeormous list of "activities," labeling whether or not we each like each thing. It's stuff like skiing and watching plays and bicycling and bowling and skydiving and watching/participating in various sports...and the list goes on. The idea is to find activities we both like, and then do them together--and voila, apparently our marriage will be affair-proof. Fortunately for us, Jon and I found some stuff in common.
We recently went bowling with some friends from college, and Jon had mentioned to me that there is a bowling alley in Boerne--it's a members-only alley, so you have to join and pay dues and stuff. But it's something we're both moderately interested in, so we're thinking about it. I was in the process of telling Jon that I would like to know who else had a membership there, so that maybe we could arrange to play at the same times and days; bowling is fun enough for me, but what I enjoy more is hanging out between frames and chit-chatting about whatever comes to mind. Jon's kind of the same way as well.
But really the only people we know are the people from church. And we're sort of in a limbo category. Most of the "young couples" in the area are in their 30s, and have kids; and the people closer to our age are all still in college, and therefore in a totally different world than me and Jon. And while many of our friends are relatively close by (many are in Texas, and lots are in the Seguin area), driving an hour or more to get to them is sometimes a hastle--and we're on a budget, so driving there and eating food and doing something fun and then driving back can cost way more than we'd like it to.
And this brings me back to the conversation Jon and I were having in the car yesterday. It suddenly occurred to me that I'm not really sure how to make friends. I know that sounds silly, but think about it. All our lives we are pushed into various social possibilities. When we're young, we're friends with the neighbors, or the kids from the next street over. In elementary and middle school, we're friends with some of the kids in our class. In high school we're friends with the people who are in the clubs we're in (choir, theatre, sports, etc.). And in college, we meet our roommates' friends and they meet ours. No matter where we go as young people, we are automatically inserted into pre-constructed possibilities for making friends.
But what about people like me, who graduate from college and are sent out into the world? Many people begin a social life by spending time with their co-workers, but what about someone who has no job yet? Church can also be a social outlet, but at the church I attend there isn't a group of people who are my age and in my situation. Youth group is for high schoolers, there isn't a college group (and even if there were, I'd be a pariah; there isn't much of an age difference between someone who just graduated from college and someone who just graduated from high school, but at the same time there's a huge chasm of physical and emotional differences that can make communication really difficult), and the youngest woman in the Women's Ministry group is at least 35 to 40 years old.
I suppose that in a way this is good, because it's forcing me and Jon to be each others' only companion. If we can make it through this time of sort-of boredom, then we'll be all the better for it. I just wish that my days were more interesting, so that when Jon comes home and we ask how each others' day went, I'm not constantly responding with, "I hung around and looked for a job."
That's why I'm so glad to be starting work tomorrow at Digett, a marketing company here in Boerne. It's not a permanent job offer--and I gather that the job isn't particularly challenging--but it does pay, and it does get me out of the house, and it does get me in the door of a business that I'm really excited about proving myself at. I've only met the owner, but he seems so nice and down to earth, and everything I've read about the company gets me excited about it. My goal is to really prove myself with this job, and make myself so useful and pleasant that they can't do anything but hire me!
In the meantime, I suppose I'll just have to content myself with hearing about Jon's day, without being able to contribute much about my own.
As part of some pre-marital counseling that we're trying to get going (the pastor at the church is really busy, etc.), Jon and I are having to read this book, His Needs, Her Needs: How to Build an Affair-Proof Marriage. And yea, it is indeed a really odd book for a couple who are going through pre-marital counseling. The book was originally written in 1989, and has not been updated since, and it shows; the guy's research methods are a bit iffy (40,000 case studies is still only case studies), and I've written lots of snarky comments in the margins because I think the guy generalizes way more than necessary. But that's neither here nor there.
As part of the reading process, Jon and I had to go through this hugeormous list of "activities," labeling whether or not we each like each thing. It's stuff like skiing and watching plays and bicycling and bowling and skydiving and watching/participating in various sports...and the list goes on. The idea is to find activities we both like, and then do them together--and voila, apparently our marriage will be affair-proof. Fortunately for us, Jon and I found some stuff in common.
We recently went bowling with some friends from college, and Jon had mentioned to me that there is a bowling alley in Boerne--it's a members-only alley, so you have to join and pay dues and stuff. But it's something we're both moderately interested in, so we're thinking about it. I was in the process of telling Jon that I would like to know who else had a membership there, so that maybe we could arrange to play at the same times and days; bowling is fun enough for me, but what I enjoy more is hanging out between frames and chit-chatting about whatever comes to mind. Jon's kind of the same way as well.
But really the only people we know are the people from church. And we're sort of in a limbo category. Most of the "young couples" in the area are in their 30s, and have kids; and the people closer to our age are all still in college, and therefore in a totally different world than me and Jon. And while many of our friends are relatively close by (many are in Texas, and lots are in the Seguin area), driving an hour or more to get to them is sometimes a hastle--and we're on a budget, so driving there and eating food and doing something fun and then driving back can cost way more than we'd like it to.
And this brings me back to the conversation Jon and I were having in the car yesterday. It suddenly occurred to me that I'm not really sure how to make friends. I know that sounds silly, but think about it. All our lives we are pushed into various social possibilities. When we're young, we're friends with the neighbors, or the kids from the next street over. In elementary and middle school, we're friends with some of the kids in our class. In high school we're friends with the people who are in the clubs we're in (choir, theatre, sports, etc.). And in college, we meet our roommates' friends and they meet ours. No matter where we go as young people, we are automatically inserted into pre-constructed possibilities for making friends.
But what about people like me, who graduate from college and are sent out into the world? Many people begin a social life by spending time with their co-workers, but what about someone who has no job yet? Church can also be a social outlet, but at the church I attend there isn't a group of people who are my age and in my situation. Youth group is for high schoolers, there isn't a college group (and even if there were, I'd be a pariah; there isn't much of an age difference between someone who just graduated from college and someone who just graduated from high school, but at the same time there's a huge chasm of physical and emotional differences that can make communication really difficult), and the youngest woman in the Women's Ministry group is at least 35 to 40 years old.
I suppose that in a way this is good, because it's forcing me and Jon to be each others' only companion. If we can make it through this time of sort-of boredom, then we'll be all the better for it. I just wish that my days were more interesting, so that when Jon comes home and we ask how each others' day went, I'm not constantly responding with, "I hung around and looked for a job."
That's why I'm so glad to be starting work tomorrow at Digett, a marketing company here in Boerne. It's not a permanent job offer--and I gather that the job isn't particularly challenging--but it does pay, and it does get me out of the house, and it does get me in the door of a business that I'm really excited about proving myself at. I've only met the owner, but he seems so nice and down to earth, and everything I've read about the company gets me excited about it. My goal is to really prove myself with this job, and make myself so useful and pleasant that they can't do anything but hire me!
In the meantime, I suppose I'll just have to content myself with hearing about Jon's day, without being able to contribute much about my own.