What Grace Have I, to Fall so in Love
Even though it seems that most of my days have been crawling by, I can't believe it's almost July already. The last week or so in particular has actually been kind of busy.
Yesterday was fun. I went with Mom to check out the outlet mall that was (relatively) recently built in the Valley. We only went to one little part of it apparently, which was nice because it's so easy to get completely overwhelmed at the malls in San Marcos. There's so much to see, and it's like sensory overload.
I had made a list of just a couple things that I wanted. You know, wardrobe basics: a couple of new "unmentionables" of the white and/or strapless sort, a pencil skirt (I'd been trying to find a good one forever), a pair of dress pants that aren't black, etc. I'm going to be graduating in the winter, and my trousseau needs to contain more than t-shirts and jeans if I want to actually get hired anywhere. I didn't have any luck with the dress pants (they always seem so long, and I can't justify getting them tailored at a cost higher than the purchase price), but I hit the jackpot on all other counts. I was really surprised that I managed to find stuff that's actually in fashion--although I really do think that I'm about a year and a half to two years behind "with the times." I got a lot of nice things--especially at a nice store called Papaya that has tons of really nice stuff--and although it seemed to cost a lot of money, Mom seemed to think it wasn't that bad. I tend to trust her when it comes to clothing prices. I think if it were up to me I'd be doing all my shopping at Wal-Mart or Target, and therefore would be at a total loss as to what quality clothing actually feels and looks like. I love all my new clothes, especially because most of them go with my awesome new black heels that I got on sale and are so comfortable I could probably run in them. And the new clothes make me feel sexy, which is really helpful considering that my skin has recently relapsed into thinking it's 16, and is in a constant state of "Ewwwww."
I really needed the alone time with Mom, too. I've been in limbo with her about Jon and marriage and moving, etc., and it was nice to just sort of ease that kind of thing into the conversation. I think she's more worried about me than upset, and I can't really do much more than tell her what I'm planning to do, and hope that she feels better. I'm rather nervous myself, and I wish I knew more about what my future is going to be like. But I'm kind of excited too, and for some reason these new, more adult clothes help--it's like I'm growing up a bit more, and that makes me feel a bit more prepared for job hunting and marriage.
Resolved, to: Be a better and more grateful daughter. Enjoy the rest of my last summer here. Find out things about my mom that I didn't know.
Last week was a bit of a strain on me. I got some news that I was not altogether thrilled about hearing (okay, I was totally and completely unthrilled, but that's semantics). And now I think I'm worried about losing a friend. Not because of anything that the friend has done, really, but because of myself. It's sometimes difficult to be what I consider a friend with this person because I am forced to compartmentalize my life--there are certain aspects I don't talk about much, even though they're big parts of who I am and who I want to be, because I am afraid of treading on this friend's feelings. Which is, the more I think about it, how I am with many of my friends. But it's not the same compartments generally, and that's the worst part. I'm divided the same ways with my mom as I am with this friend, and I hate that. I just don't know how to deal. And it doubly stings because I thought this was one person with whom I could be more myself than with others. Stupid of me, really, given the circumstances. I guess it was just wishful thinking. I've gotten my stressing over it out of my system, and written more stuff about it in my private diary, and honestly I don't really need to be yacking on about it here. But it's a part of what's going on in my life, and it makes me feel better to talk about it, even if it's rather cryptic.
And it helps, actually. As late as yesterday I was dead certain of what I was going to say, but now I'm reconsidering. It's good to have a place to puzzle things out.
Normally tomorrow morning would be my volunteer shift at the hospital, but today's events have derailed that. My car went in for its 60,000 mile check up, and I have a defective tire. So tomorrow I get to schlep myself around town, making sure it all gets fixed. Thank heavens the car itself is in good shape. Sometime before Thursday morning I need to run to Target for some groceries, and I need to pack at some point as well.
It feels a lot later than it actually is. I slept very ill last night: my stomach would wake me up every hour or so, cramping away. So I'd have to crawl out of bed and blind myself turning on my bathroom light. And of course as soon as I got into the bathroom, it would stop hurting. So I'd get back in bed, and the cycle would start all over again. I'd liken it to thunder without the rain, or dry heaves without the vomiting. In other words, an annoying/painful waste of time. And the lack of sleep and stress from today has created a roller coaster with my body temperature: one moment I'm hot, the next I'm so cold I'm shaking. I don't really feel sick, mostly just tired and...tired out, if that conveys a difference.
But I'm not unhappy. I'm trying to be more positive. Even all the dead ants piling up in my room are not really an annoyance, but more of a curiosity. -Ink
Yesterday was fun. I went with Mom to check out the outlet mall that was (relatively) recently built in the Valley. We only went to one little part of it apparently, which was nice because it's so easy to get completely overwhelmed at the malls in San Marcos. There's so much to see, and it's like sensory overload.
I had made a list of just a couple things that I wanted. You know, wardrobe basics: a couple of new "unmentionables" of the white and/or strapless sort, a pencil skirt (I'd been trying to find a good one forever), a pair of dress pants that aren't black, etc. I'm going to be graduating in the winter, and my trousseau needs to contain more than t-shirts and jeans if I want to actually get hired anywhere. I didn't have any luck with the dress pants (they always seem so long, and I can't justify getting them tailored at a cost higher than the purchase price), but I hit the jackpot on all other counts. I was really surprised that I managed to find stuff that's actually in fashion--although I really do think that I'm about a year and a half to two years behind "with the times." I got a lot of nice things--especially at a nice store called Papaya that has tons of really nice stuff--and although it seemed to cost a lot of money, Mom seemed to think it wasn't that bad. I tend to trust her when it comes to clothing prices. I think if it were up to me I'd be doing all my shopping at Wal-Mart or Target, and therefore would be at a total loss as to what quality clothing actually feels and looks like. I love all my new clothes, especially because most of them go with my awesome new black heels that I got on sale and are so comfortable I could probably run in them. And the new clothes make me feel sexy, which is really helpful considering that my skin has recently relapsed into thinking it's 16, and is in a constant state of "Ewwwww."
I really needed the alone time with Mom, too. I've been in limbo with her about Jon and marriage and moving, etc., and it was nice to just sort of ease that kind of thing into the conversation. I think she's more worried about me than upset, and I can't really do much more than tell her what I'm planning to do, and hope that she feels better. I'm rather nervous myself, and I wish I knew more about what my future is going to be like. But I'm kind of excited too, and for some reason these new, more adult clothes help--it's like I'm growing up a bit more, and that makes me feel a bit more prepared for job hunting and marriage.
Resolved, to: Be a better and more grateful daughter. Enjoy the rest of my last summer here. Find out things about my mom that I didn't know.
Last week was a bit of a strain on me. I got some news that I was not altogether thrilled about hearing (okay, I was totally and completely unthrilled, but that's semantics). And now I think I'm worried about losing a friend. Not because of anything that the friend has done, really, but because of myself. It's sometimes difficult to be what I consider a friend with this person because I am forced to compartmentalize my life--there are certain aspects I don't talk about much, even though they're big parts of who I am and who I want to be, because I am afraid of treading on this friend's feelings. Which is, the more I think about it, how I am with many of my friends. But it's not the same compartments generally, and that's the worst part. I'm divided the same ways with my mom as I am with this friend, and I hate that. I just don't know how to deal. And it doubly stings because I thought this was one person with whom I could be more myself than with others. Stupid of me, really, given the circumstances. I guess it was just wishful thinking. I've gotten my stressing over it out of my system, and written more stuff about it in my private diary, and honestly I don't really need to be yacking on about it here. But it's a part of what's going on in my life, and it makes me feel better to talk about it, even if it's rather cryptic.
And it helps, actually. As late as yesterday I was dead certain of what I was going to say, but now I'm reconsidering. It's good to have a place to puzzle things out.
Normally tomorrow morning would be my volunteer shift at the hospital, but today's events have derailed that. My car went in for its 60,000 mile check up, and I have a defective tire. So tomorrow I get to schlep myself around town, making sure it all gets fixed. Thank heavens the car itself is in good shape. Sometime before Thursday morning I need to run to Target for some groceries, and I need to pack at some point as well.
It feels a lot later than it actually is. I slept very ill last night: my stomach would wake me up every hour or so, cramping away. So I'd have to crawl out of bed and blind myself turning on my bathroom light. And of course as soon as I got into the bathroom, it would stop hurting. So I'd get back in bed, and the cycle would start all over again. I'd liken it to thunder without the rain, or dry heaves without the vomiting. In other words, an annoying/painful waste of time. And the lack of sleep and stress from today has created a roller coaster with my body temperature: one moment I'm hot, the next I'm so cold I'm shaking. I don't really feel sick, mostly just tired and...tired out, if that conveys a difference.
But I'm not unhappy. I'm trying to be more positive. Even all the dead ants piling up in my room are not really an annoyance, but more of a curiosity. -Ink