It's me..not them

[fyrebaybee4]

you know what? All week I've been pissed off at all my so called friends. But then I just read my past entries, and it hit me. It's not them...it's me!! I'm such a horrible friend. idk if you have been keeping up with my entries...but if you have you know about the whole Johnny thing and the Shane and Crystal thing...well get this I went out with Shane, I've lost Johnny, and now I was about to go out with another one of Crys's exes but, I think...as much as I like him...that I can't. What is wrong with me? I've lost everything. My sis and I - who used to be closer than ever - are fighting more and more each day, I almost completely lost Jessica, the one friend that always attempted to be there for me despite our distance problems. And I think I've lost Crystal, which I now realize I deserve to lose. The one person who everytime my life or plans go down is there for me. How could I possibly go out with her exes and expect her to jus be ok with it? How could I listen to all those people talk shit about her and jus be quite or even worse sometimes...AGREE? I'm gonna stop now. The lying and deceiving has to stop, I'm gonna be friends with Johnny again and MAYBE even Shane (long story don't ask) and maybe I'll cherish those few friends I have in High School as of now and I'll stop being a dork and go get my permit and pay more attention in school the list goes on...but the worst mistake I've made this year...is sayin wat I said to my cousin Sadie...if she ever sees this I want her to know I LOVE HER AND I'M SOO SORRY...i was wrong to say wat I said about you n Matt I jus don't want to lose you to him. I really don’t and I swear on my life one day I WILL save you. Jus let me know when your life sux enough. cuz obviously right now it doesn't, and I should have been happy for you, I'm sorry! Another thing is Dana...i lost her too. I really don’t think it's my fault that I lost her but maybe once again that's my problem, maybe I should start blaming myself more often.
Well here's a list of things I'm gonna try and do
1.Make up with Sadie, Crys, and Dana
2.Make it up to Jess
3.Improve my grades
4.Talk to Johnny
5.Maybe even Shane
6.Cherish my current friends
7.Improve myself as a person
8.Get my permit
9.Talk to Charlie about "us"
10.Stay strongly on my diet
thanx for listening I'll try an update in about a week or so and tell you how it worked out
~Lauren