no subject
as horrible as it may seem, i want a fucking father in my life.
i just got off the phone with my dad. i never pick up the phone for him, but whatever. i shouldnt have picked it up this time either.
as you know, my parents are going through a divorce. a rather messy one too. my dad has been out of the house since October 16th 2004. he keeps calling to try and get the divorce going...he needs financial information right now ((the debts)). i picked up and talked to him. we talked about how this is on everyone. his solution...he moves back in. i told him thats impossible. we dont function well together...well, eventually the conversation jumped to our cats, me with Alexander and Joy, him with Stripe and EI ((the cat is called EI because he's black and white, get it? Ebony and Ivory? yeah, i know its dumb)). then we got to how much pain we've been in emotionally, he read from his prayer journal. i thought it may help him to read that to me, getting emotions out in the open is can be good. then he got onto religion...never a good subject for us. he told me to give up my "occult, white magick garbage" and come to the Father God. he then proceeded to tell me that even though im helping people, not hurting anyone, even though ive found peace, even though through the help of my Godess ive released myself from depression and self mutilation, im practising the work of the devil. he called me an idiot. he called me a satanist.
i almost got to the point where i could trust him. i almost got to the point where i was willing to go out to lunch with him, spend some time together.
just like every other man in my life, he found a way to cut me down. again.
Fuck Men.
i dont want one in my life. i dont need one.
but because of my lack of fatherly figures, im going to go through the rest of my life looking that man that can fufill the void in my life. i'll go through affairs with married men, i'll cheat on my significant others, i'll sleep around in hopes of gaining respect, etc.
i am a text book scenerio. therapists will forever love me.