It's my journal and it's the only place on the internet that I really feel comforable saying whatever I feel like so please forgive me for this when I'm done
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I appreciate this... I just don't know how to express myself when it comes to being molested by my brother, and him tormenting me today. It is something that has deeply harmed me, something that has followed me into my adult life, as I have to see him a lot for family events and whenever he is home. He wore a shirt the other day that said "consensual sex is hot!" I told him that it upsets me a lot to see him wear that shirt after what he did to me, that it is insensitive for him to wear it around me. He asked why? I said it just is, it reminds me of things that upset me. It offends me. He said he didn't even think of it when he put it on, and he has a sexuality and he thinks that consensual sex is a good thing. He is very self-righteous, and accuses me of just making it "my thing" because I'm jealous of him, because I made mistakes in my life that he didn't, and don't blame those mistakes on me, and I think he's an asshole and he's very mean to me, but he says he is not an asshole. Indeed, ironically he has always considered himself a "quality human being". He thinks that what he did to me doesn't really count, and that it couldn't possibly have hurt me that much and that I'm never going to get over it and it's my fault that I am never going to get over it because I don't want to because I'm jealous, when I should just live my life because I have a good thing going on. I said that's what I'm doing, I have a life going on. So he ate dinner, chewing bits of fish as he spoke.
The whole thing angered me very much. I never win arguments with my brother, and after a while I quit even talking to him. I said something because the shirt was making me sick, and I wanted to engage and be a part of dinner. Sometimes it is best to just keep your mouth shut. It makes me so angry that I felt like I could do very very bad things.
I don't know what to do when I get that way. I need some kind of an outlet, and I keep suppressing my anger until it comes out as a very embarrassing rage. I ran down the street, because I didn't have a car, to get away. I eventually came home. It's depressing to know that I have to come back, but I do. I bit myself a couple times to try to diffuse the anger, and I cried for about an hour. Then I just locked my door and fell asleep.
He wore a shirt the other day that said "consensual sex is hot!" I told him that it upsets me a lot to see him wear that shirt after what he did to me, that it is insensitive for him to wear it around me. He asked why? I said it just is, it reminds me of things that upset me. It offends me. He said he didn't even think of it when he put it on, and he has a sexuality and he thinks that consensual sex is a good thing.
He is very self-righteous, and accuses me of just making it "my thing" because I'm jealous of him, because I made mistakes in my life that he didn't, and don't blame those mistakes on me, and I think he's an asshole and he's very mean to me, but he says he is not an asshole. Indeed, ironically he has always considered himself a "quality human being". He thinks that what he did to me doesn't really count, and that it couldn't possibly have hurt me that much and that I'm never going to get over it and it's my fault that I am never going to get over it because I don't want to because I'm jealous, when I should just live my life because I have a good thing going on. I said that's what I'm doing, I have a life going on. So he ate dinner, chewing bits of fish as he spoke.
The whole thing angered me very much. I never win arguments with my brother, and after a while I quit even talking to him. I said something because the shirt was making me sick, and I wanted to engage and be a part of dinner. Sometimes it is best to just keep your mouth shut. It makes me so angry that I felt like I could do very very bad things.
I don't know what to do when I get that way. I need some kind of an outlet, and I keep suppressing my anger until it comes out as a very embarrassing rage. I ran down the street, because I didn't have a car, to get away. I eventually came home. It's depressing to know that I have to come back, but I do. I bit myself a couple times to try to diffuse the anger, and I cried for about an hour. Then I just locked my door and fell asleep.
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