Ugh.
I hate having to cancel plans I've made, especially ones I'm looking forward to. And I was *really* looking forward to this weekend.
There's a reason I call my life a soap opera.
Mom's been put on a new anti-psychotic med that will hopefully help with the problems that have been building over the last month or so, leading to last night's crisis call and today's trip to the doctor. I'll be spending a lot of time with her over the next week while the med starts working its way into her system. A LOT of time.
Apparently I need to start going to at least half of Mom's doctor appointments from here on out. I always go to the first few with a new doctor, both to make sure she knows how to get there and to make sure all the history questions get answered correctly, since the schizophrenia has left her with a swiss cheese memory and the inability to tell reality from, well, not. At today's doctor appointment - with a doctor she's been seeing for 3 1/2 years now - Mom told the doctor about her worsening depression and inability to sleep well... and completely forgot to tell her about how terrible the voices have been getting lately, about the irrational choices she's been making, about all of the most critical issues. If I hadn't been there to speak up, she would have left with no real change in her meds, even after the events of last night. Then, after the doctor told her no less than 3 times that she should take the new med in the mornings, I asked Mom later at what time of day she is supposed to take it... and she told me she didn't know, because the doctor never told her. Yeah, no, Mom. I was there this time. And apparently will have to be there on a regular basis going forward.
The other thing that's killing me is that Mom keeps talking about how much she wants male companionship. Apparently this is very tied into much of what the voices are telling her. She wants someone to spend time with and talk to and, frankly, have sex with. To someone as steeped in conservative christianity as she is, having such thoughts is sinful enough, much less actually acting on them. I'm not terribly proud to say I slapped her down pretty hard on this notion today. I told her point blank that she needs to find a way to get over it, because it's just not going to happen. Her issues are so obvious and deep that she would have to either find an extremely patient normal man who was willing to deal with all her problems, or accept a man with problems similar to her own, which would be one of the world's worst ideas. She has a hard enough time picking acceptable female friends, I'd hate to see what kind of screwed up man she'd turn up with. And let's face it, her last one - my dad - was an abusive asshole, so it's not like she has the best track record around.
I need to jump on the task of finding a decent therapist who can help me learn to deal with the terrible resentment I feel towards Mom all the time, but even more so at times like this. I also need to find a good support group for families of schizophrenics and/or adult children who have to deal with schizophrenic parents. I've been needing these things for a long time, but have put it off as not urgent... until now. I don't love my mother... it's been years since I could honestly say that I love her... but I'm responsible for her. And I resent that responsibility, because I didn't ask for it and I can't opt out of it. It's this shit that makes me hate my life.
On the completely unrelated work front, San Francisco boss and local boss spoke yesterday re getting me some more help. SF boss wants someone hired and in place in three months or less. Local boss and his boss won't entertain the notion of having anyone hired before April, and then only if SF boss agrees to pay for it. The way HR at my company works, getting someone in by April would be almost miraculous. It should also be noted that SF boss is currently paying either 80% or 100% of my salary - I'm not sure which, I've heard both - but is currently getting less than 50% of my time and has no input on my reviews. Local boss, on the other hand, is only paying the remainder of my salary, gets more than 50% of my time, has full control over my reviews, and thinks I'm nothing special. Local boss has also told me that if I want help anytime between now and whenever they feel like getting around to letting me hire someone, I'll need to get that help from a girl I absolutely detest. I mean seriously, I'd rather run a cheese grater over my arm 20 minutes a day for the rest of my life than have to work with this girl. It would be less painful. There's a reason I call her "stabby stabby!" - it's what she makes me want to do to her, or, failing that, myself. Preferably with a large kitchen knife.
Ain't life grand?
There's a reason I call my life a soap opera.
Mom's been put on a new anti-psychotic med that will hopefully help with the problems that have been building over the last month or so, leading to last night's crisis call and today's trip to the doctor. I'll be spending a lot of time with her over the next week while the med starts working its way into her system. A LOT of time.
Apparently I need to start going to at least half of Mom's doctor appointments from here on out. I always go to the first few with a new doctor, both to make sure she knows how to get there and to make sure all the history questions get answered correctly, since the schizophrenia has left her with a swiss cheese memory and the inability to tell reality from, well, not. At today's doctor appointment - with a doctor she's been seeing for 3 1/2 years now - Mom told the doctor about her worsening depression and inability to sleep well... and completely forgot to tell her about how terrible the voices have been getting lately, about the irrational choices she's been making, about all of the most critical issues. If I hadn't been there to speak up, she would have left with no real change in her meds, even after the events of last night. Then, after the doctor told her no less than 3 times that she should take the new med in the mornings, I asked Mom later at what time of day she is supposed to take it... and she told me she didn't know, because the doctor never told her. Yeah, no, Mom. I was there this time. And apparently will have to be there on a regular basis going forward.
The other thing that's killing me is that Mom keeps talking about how much she wants male companionship. Apparently this is very tied into much of what the voices are telling her. She wants someone to spend time with and talk to and, frankly, have sex with. To someone as steeped in conservative christianity as she is, having such thoughts is sinful enough, much less actually acting on them. I'm not terribly proud to say I slapped her down pretty hard on this notion today. I told her point blank that she needs to find a way to get over it, because it's just not going to happen. Her issues are so obvious and deep that she would have to either find an extremely patient normal man who was willing to deal with all her problems, or accept a man with problems similar to her own, which would be one of the world's worst ideas. She has a hard enough time picking acceptable female friends, I'd hate to see what kind of screwed up man she'd turn up with. And let's face it, her last one - my dad - was an abusive asshole, so it's not like she has the best track record around.
I need to jump on the task of finding a decent therapist who can help me learn to deal with the terrible resentment I feel towards Mom all the time, but even more so at times like this. I also need to find a good support group for families of schizophrenics and/or adult children who have to deal with schizophrenic parents. I've been needing these things for a long time, but have put it off as not urgent... until now. I don't love my mother... it's been years since I could honestly say that I love her... but I'm responsible for her. And I resent that responsibility, because I didn't ask for it and I can't opt out of it. It's this shit that makes me hate my life.
On the completely unrelated work front, San Francisco boss and local boss spoke yesterday re getting me some more help. SF boss wants someone hired and in place in three months or less. Local boss and his boss won't entertain the notion of having anyone hired before April, and then only if SF boss agrees to pay for it. The way HR at my company works, getting someone in by April would be almost miraculous. It should also be noted that SF boss is currently paying either 80% or 100% of my salary - I'm not sure which, I've heard both - but is currently getting less than 50% of my time and has no input on my reviews. Local boss, on the other hand, is only paying the remainder of my salary, gets more than 50% of my time, has full control over my reviews, and thinks I'm nothing special. Local boss has also told me that if I want help anytime between now and whenever they feel like getting around to letting me hire someone, I'll need to get that help from a girl I absolutely detest. I mean seriously, I'd rather run a cheese grater over my arm 20 minutes a day for the rest of my life than have to work with this girl. It would be less painful. There's a reason I call her "stabby stabby!" - it's what she makes me want to do to her, or, failing that, myself. Preferably with a large kitchen knife.
Ain't life grand?