(no subject)
The calm is slipping away and I can't get it back. The urge for change is desperate, sudden, and impersonal, like a trapped animal lashing out at anything in its way, without regard for harming itself or others.
This literally has nothing to do with you, any of you. I am physically itchy, desperately stuck, and nothing is moving. Nothing is changing.
I can't do this. I say it a hundred times a day. Sometimes I feel that it's all I ever say in this space. I can't do it. And it's more a statement of fact than anything... I can see the moment coming when everything fucking stops because I, you know, can't.
I can't.
And no one believes me. No one can see how desperately fucked the whole thing is and how terrible it's really been and how there isn't any way out, everything is just a static disaster.
And my freaking out is part of it. It's part of the status quo. There are shoes in the living room and dishes in the sink and Audrey's having a panic attack, all of this is normal. None of these things will ever change.
This literally has nothing to do with you, any of you. I am physically itchy, desperately stuck, and nothing is moving. Nothing is changing.
I can't do this. I say it a hundred times a day. Sometimes I feel that it's all I ever say in this space. I can't do it. And it's more a statement of fact than anything... I can see the moment coming when everything fucking stops because I, you know, can't.
I can't.
And no one believes me. No one can see how desperately fucked the whole thing is and how terrible it's really been and how there isn't any way out, everything is just a static disaster.
And my freaking out is part of it. It's part of the status quo. There are shoes in the living room and dishes in the sink and Audrey's having a panic attack, all of this is normal. None of these things will ever change.