(no subject)
soon I am going to write a post that talks about the things that are actually going on in my life - what I am doing with my time, all that nonsense, because much of that is going really well.
but I am overextended (nonsense!) and my anxiety level is pretty high - in this moment, specifically. I think that it's high lately, in general, but I can't be sure. All I know right now is that I am writing this at work in the hopes that it will help me calm down enough to focus on filing, instead of the obsessive mantra of shit that is running through my head.
obsessive mantra of shit has been kind of intense lately. except that I have to ignore it, a lot, push it away and hold my breath and do so many things, that when it comes back it's stronger. or maybe, like antibiotic-resistant bacteria, the bits of it that are left are the strongest yet. I don't know.
I have very litte time for introspection and maintenance right now and as a result I have these overhwhelming episodes - 5 minutes, 10 minutes, an hour, during which all I can think is Oh holy fuck this is terrible I am terrible everyone hates me always and it's not even about a specific thing, at least not just one, it's about all of the things that have happened in the last day or week or whatever. It's that funny look the grocery store checkout person gave me and the fact that I am not cooking enough at home and I am not feeding the cats on a regular schedule and my apartment is disgusting and I forgot to text that student back right away and that pause, in that conversation, what did that really mean? am I going to be alone forever? will everyone abandon me immediately? am I going to be homeless and insane and die remembered by no one?
I am incapacitated for a little while. Then I get over it. It feels like I get my head above the water and choke out the fluid from my lungs and go back to swimming. And try not to think about the next wave that's surely coming. And try not to think about land, because there is no such thing. In life, it is always swimming, and this idea of down-time, of solace and rest and protection and safety, this is a myth, an illusion, we all just keep swimming until we die, one way or another, right?
It's Spring, right? You could say that. You could say that it's Spring and I always get manic and anxious in the Spring, that's why I always fucked up my grades and got reckless. that's all this is, just more of the same crazy that never goes away, that never changes, that I am just destined to hate myself and be terrified of life for a few months, every year.
I have not been this manic in a long time, I know that.
I have not been this totally not grounded, this obsessed with the pursuit of MORE NOW PLEASE, this scared of myself and of you.
Knowing that just reinforces the imminent-disaster paranoia, really.
Do I just need to breathe and get through this anxious time? Or am I really on a serious path to self-destruction, have I been on it all along, ever since I was 13? have I really never accomplished anything? don't answer that.
that feeling of begging, of wishing that someone would come up and tell me that all of this MORE had finally added up to ENOUGH, that I could go to sleep confident that progress is being made and it's not all going to fall apart in the middle of the night, that I am not going to wake up in the midst of my own inevitable destruction.
I can't keep up with everything. I just can't. I feel a little bit like a petulant child who hates that you expect her to keep up with all of this, except I am doing it to myself and if there are that many hours in a day (there are) then they should all be able to be scheduled, right?
writing isn't helping. I think I am going to go smoke and cry.
but I am overextended (nonsense!) and my anxiety level is pretty high - in this moment, specifically. I think that it's high lately, in general, but I can't be sure. All I know right now is that I am writing this at work in the hopes that it will help me calm down enough to focus on filing, instead of the obsessive mantra of shit that is running through my head.
obsessive mantra of shit has been kind of intense lately. except that I have to ignore it, a lot, push it away and hold my breath and do so many things, that when it comes back it's stronger. or maybe, like antibiotic-resistant bacteria, the bits of it that are left are the strongest yet. I don't know.
I have very litte time for introspection and maintenance right now and as a result I have these overhwhelming episodes - 5 minutes, 10 minutes, an hour, during which all I can think is Oh holy fuck this is terrible I am terrible everyone hates me always and it's not even about a specific thing, at least not just one, it's about all of the things that have happened in the last day or week or whatever. It's that funny look the grocery store checkout person gave me and the fact that I am not cooking enough at home and I am not feeding the cats on a regular schedule and my apartment is disgusting and I forgot to text that student back right away and that pause, in that conversation, what did that really mean? am I going to be alone forever? will everyone abandon me immediately? am I going to be homeless and insane and die remembered by no one?
I am incapacitated for a little while. Then I get over it. It feels like I get my head above the water and choke out the fluid from my lungs and go back to swimming. And try not to think about the next wave that's surely coming. And try not to think about land, because there is no such thing. In life, it is always swimming, and this idea of down-time, of solace and rest and protection and safety, this is a myth, an illusion, we all just keep swimming until we die, one way or another, right?
It's Spring, right? You could say that. You could say that it's Spring and I always get manic and anxious in the Spring, that's why I always fucked up my grades and got reckless. that's all this is, just more of the same crazy that never goes away, that never changes, that I am just destined to hate myself and be terrified of life for a few months, every year.
I have not been this manic in a long time, I know that.
I have not been this totally not grounded, this obsessed with the pursuit of MORE NOW PLEASE, this scared of myself and of you.
Knowing that just reinforces the imminent-disaster paranoia, really.
Do I just need to breathe and get through this anxious time? Or am I really on a serious path to self-destruction, have I been on it all along, ever since I was 13? have I really never accomplished anything? don't answer that.
that feeling of begging, of wishing that someone would come up and tell me that all of this MORE had finally added up to ENOUGH, that I could go to sleep confident that progress is being made and it's not all going to fall apart in the middle of the night, that I am not going to wake up in the midst of my own inevitable destruction.
I can't keep up with everything. I just can't. I feel a little bit like a petulant child who hates that you expect her to keep up with all of this, except I am doing it to myself and if there are that many hours in a day (there are) then they should all be able to be scheduled, right?
writing isn't helping. I think I am going to go smoke and cry.