(no subject)
Padfoot emailed me about a week ago asking me if I wanted to be friends with him. He said that it’s important to him & he needs to know what my answer is so that he can take the appropriate actions.
I wasn’t ready to be in contact with him again yet. There was about a 3 week window in which I could have resolved things WITH him/ them, but once that window passed & things were not resolved, I needed to pull back and resolve them by myself inside myself. I can’t just LEAVE shit lingering in me like that. It’s too uncomfortable to sustain.
It’s sweet that he reached out though. I know that eventually, I’d want to reach out to him again. Eventually; when I’ve completely let go of everything he was to me. Eventually, when there is nothing left in me for his wife to try to hook. Eventually could be a year or more from now though.
I have to let go of it all before I can know him again.
I can’t have a continuation of the weirdness that was.
We’d need to completely start over to the best of our ability.
I still need to have some of my questions answered.
Questions such as:
· What was he trying to do with me if he knew that the way he was being with me goes against the vows he made to his wife?
· When I asked him if he was married, his first response was “yes, I thought you knew & YOU’RE in a relationship too” I’d like to know exactly what he meant by that. Did he think that I was being as unfaithful as he was? If so, what kind of relationship did he think he was forming with me exactly? What kind of PERSON did he think I was if he assumed I was being as unfaithful as he was?
· It appears to me that although he didn’t take his ring off, he lied about his relationship with his wife. It was a lie of omission, but still a lie. What other lies has he told in this or any other way to me or his wife regarding this situation?
· I feel used in a way & I’d like to know what he was trying to use me for exactly.
WTF was he trying to pull with his sexual energetic visit on the solstice when he was SUPPOSED to be mending things with his wife?!!! Did he think I'd be ok with going behind her back as long as it's not PHYSICAL?!
· Does he think he can/ is going to continue to try to “woo” me if I enter into his life again? Because I’m not interested in going there again with him. Not that there isn’t some longing for things he represented within me still, but that’s not about HIM anyway.
· Can he be 100% honest with me about his life?
· Is he ALLOWED to be that way with me?
· Is he capable of being that way with his wife?
· Can he make sure that I am never in between him & his wife again? (This includes things like telling me things he won’t tell her. He should be able to tell her EVERYTHING.)
· Eventually, can normal informal forms of touch be allowed between us (such as handshakes or hugs)?
· Does his wife hate my guts as much as I felt coming from her energetically while I was still connected to them deeply?
· Can I ever be friends with her? Actual friends, where there is mutual respect and good will?
Anyway, I responded to his email because he didn’t want me to leave him hanging. I told him I’d try after I get home from Pennsic on 8/11.
I felt him lurking about yesterday again. Nothing sexual; just... He was just letting me know that he’s there.
I really hope I’m not being a total idiot for opening up again so soon.
I really hope I get the rest of this out of my system before then.
I was in the health food store yesterday & I walked past one of those natural calendula scented deodorants. OF COURSE I had to smell it. (He smelled of calendula). It didn’t make me yearn or even hurt, but I can’t say that sniffing something in that way was a completely plutonic thing either.
I don’t KNOW what it will/ would be like to see him in person again.
I think that if that happens, I’d like for it to be a group thing the first time. Him with his wife, & me with Joe.
We’ll see.
We’ll see.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alDnVTXWLXo&feature=related Love divine cover