Maybe its just me....
Iv grown up a having a "Social Butterfly" life. Always hanging out with people and getting a long vary well with new people. Im that girl that you look at and say "look how many friends she has." Well you wanna know the reason I have so many friends is? Its not because i get along with everyone and everyone wants to be my friend its because i hate the feeling of being alone. Its a fear... if i dont have people around me i break down in fear. Out of those 20 "friends" you see me around... only 2 or 3 of them i acctually will hang out with or talk to and out of the 2 or 3 theres only 1 that i will tell everything to.
I hate how people come up to me and say "your always so happy." You wanna know why i put on that happy "mask" Its to hide all the depression that i am actually feeling. I have this thing where i cant show my feelings... the only feeling i can show is joyfulness. Why?? because i feel if i show i am depressed or sad that im letting all my friends down. They count on me to help them when they are down so why show them that im depressed... Even if i slip one day and im sad i have people coming up to me going "OMG are you okay whats wrong." Im not the kind of person that will tell you because i have to look strong for you. Im not perfect though i have my flaws. Like with Ricky when he broke up with me i put on a happy mask and acted like i was okay. The thing is deep down inside i was hurting... hurting so much that i just wanted to die. I spent 6 months on this boy to get what? A fucking message on myspace saying that he couldnt have a relationship with me anymore... that he needed to "find himself." I didnt cry though..... i felt like i couldnt. Only later on to break down at my brothers crying... crying so hard it hurt. I couldnt even stand...
Thats anouther thing wrong with me i bottle up all my emotions untill i finally just have an emotional break down. Sometimes its happends during the worst of times.... Like freshman year... i was so depressed from leaving Mira Mesa and leave Ashley cuz i felt like a abondond her... I felt empty because i wasnt living with my mom and i missed her so much. I was so stressed from all the pressure on trying to be a good kid and get good grades to make my family happy. I couldnt be a fuck up i couldnt drop out. So one day when i got detention in Mrs. Monroes class..... She was just talking to me about how great my family was trying to make my life and how great my grandmother was... she kept going on and on till i just finally snaped and yelled, screamed and bitched about how she should "Stay the fuck out of my buisness" and how she didnt "fucking know my family." Then i ran crying... ran out of the room ran as fast as my legs can go... ran untill i finally colapysed on the ground in a big crying reck. See I CANT SHOW MY EMOTIONS! I KEEP THEM BOTTLED UP!
Im trying to be strong im trying to be happy im trying to be there for my friends but by doing so im doing harm to myself emotionly. But i cant help it i feel its my responability to be the crying sholder for my friends... but i feel like there isnt a shoulder there for me to cry on. Id have to go all the way to Mira Mesa, El Cajon, or fucking Virginia!
I only have so many friends that i will let see me cry! Thats why i cryed on Chelseas shoulder thats why i showed her my true emotions... cuz i didnt know if shed be back or not. Thats why id let Ashley see me cry and Liz. BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE ARE LIKE SISTERS TO ME. I love them from the bottom of my heart and dont know what id do if something was to happen to them. I dont know what id do if i could never see them again
god
i got to go
im getting to emotional...
~*~fuzzy~*~
I hate how people come up to me and say "your always so happy." You wanna know why i put on that happy "mask" Its to hide all the depression that i am actually feeling. I have this thing where i cant show my feelings... the only feeling i can show is joyfulness. Why?? because i feel if i show i am depressed or sad that im letting all my friends down. They count on me to help them when they are down so why show them that im depressed... Even if i slip one day and im sad i have people coming up to me going "OMG are you okay whats wrong." Im not the kind of person that will tell you because i have to look strong for you. Im not perfect though i have my flaws. Like with Ricky when he broke up with me i put on a happy mask and acted like i was okay. The thing is deep down inside i was hurting... hurting so much that i just wanted to die. I spent 6 months on this boy to get what? A fucking message on myspace saying that he couldnt have a relationship with me anymore... that he needed to "find himself." I didnt cry though..... i felt like i couldnt. Only later on to break down at my brothers crying... crying so hard it hurt. I couldnt even stand...
Thats anouther thing wrong with me i bottle up all my emotions untill i finally just have an emotional break down. Sometimes its happends during the worst of times.... Like freshman year... i was so depressed from leaving Mira Mesa and leave Ashley cuz i felt like a abondond her... I felt empty because i wasnt living with my mom and i missed her so much. I was so stressed from all the pressure on trying to be a good kid and get good grades to make my family happy. I couldnt be a fuck up i couldnt drop out. So one day when i got detention in Mrs. Monroes class..... She was just talking to me about how great my family was trying to make my life and how great my grandmother was... she kept going on and on till i just finally snaped and yelled, screamed and bitched about how she should "Stay the fuck out of my buisness" and how she didnt "fucking know my family." Then i ran crying... ran out of the room ran as fast as my legs can go... ran untill i finally colapysed on the ground in a big crying reck. See I CANT SHOW MY EMOTIONS! I KEEP THEM BOTTLED UP!
Im trying to be strong im trying to be happy im trying to be there for my friends but by doing so im doing harm to myself emotionly. But i cant help it i feel its my responability to be the crying sholder for my friends... but i feel like there isnt a shoulder there for me to cry on. Id have to go all the way to Mira Mesa, El Cajon, or fucking Virginia!
I only have so many friends that i will let see me cry! Thats why i cryed on Chelseas shoulder thats why i showed her my true emotions... cuz i didnt know if shed be back or not. Thats why id let Ashley see me cry and Liz. BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE ARE LIKE SISTERS TO ME. I love them from the bottom of my heart and dont know what id do if something was to happen to them. I dont know what id do if i could never see them again
god
i got to go
im getting to emotional...
~*~fuzzy~*~