shrinking family gatherings and life lessons
I don't mean to post a whiny entry, but I feel like talking and nobody is around.
for those of you that don't know (everyone but Cheadle) my aunt Diane died yesterday. Of all my extended family I was closest to her. =(
I was just thinking that...whenever you go to a family gathering of some sort (thanksgiving, christmas, etc.) if you look at all the people in the room and think about how many of these people have an invested interest in you, actually give a crap about you, you aren't left with many. Your parents are left of course, and your siblings even though most the time you hate each other, grandparents, and if you are lucky a few aunts and uncles. It just seems like so much of your family can't tell you how old you are, what grade you are in, simple things like that. I probably couldn't do the same for them. It seems like so many of us just go through the motions and pretend to care.
Thats why its so tough to loose someone that actually does.
Ever since I was little she had been the family member most present in my life. She would take us on day trips, just my sisters and I. Every Halloween, Christmas, and Easter she would buy candy for us. she was always the most fun.
thats why I can't figure out why I'm not more upset.
I guess I've gotten good at cramming emotion down, considering I've been working on it since December. I guess its also because its awkward and even kind of disturbing to see my mom and my sisters walking around the house in tears. Also, I really haven't been thinking about it until now.
Right now, the predominating emotion is anger. Not at my aunt or the situation, but myself. The funeral is scheduled on friday, the day i was supposed to take a Cedar Point trip. For a few hours today I was actually more upset about that then my aunt. I'm more mature then that and I can't believe I gave into such an childlike emotion. I don't even understand how something so insignificant can take a bigger priority in my twisted mind.
Life lessons never seem to come at convienient times.
If they did I suppose they really wouldn't be teaching anything.