Tougher Mentally than Physically
I had surgery to replace my fully-torn ACL in February. It was replaced with 2 screws and a cadaver's achilles tendon. I've healed fast, had no complications, no swelling, nothing out of the ordinary to be concerned with. I still have about 6 more months before my Dr says I am fully healed.
But the physical aspect of getting this surgery (and injury) is nothing compared to the mental pain it has caused. I knew that this would take a certain amount of determination and patience when I had the surgery, but I don't think I was prepared for exactly how hard it has been. I find it difficult to even talk about my knee in any serious way because I would just rather not think about it. When I do think about it seriously, alone and in my bed late at night usually, I mainly find myself thinking about how I can never trust it again. At any point in time, this other tendon could fail. There's no guarantee that my body won't still reject it (or, in fact, that it hasn't already rejected it).
People ask me if it feels stronger now; if I am happy that I'll get to return to my normal, pre-tear life; if I feel lucky that I am healing so well. But the truth is, it doesn't feel stronger now, and you can see a physical difference in the muscles from one leg to another. I don't know that I will get to return to my pre-tear life (I don't want to believe in it until it's actually a reality. The heartbreak for me was incredible, and I don't want to go through it again). And I don't feel lucky that I am "healing so well" because there's a part of my brain that is still telling me that the reason why my recovery has been fast and smooth is because something is wrong in there. And then I have to remind myself to think happy thoughts. As Karma reminds me, we don't consider that scenario too seriously because the power of positivity (and negativity) is strong.
But recently, my fear has seeped so deeply into my sub-conscious that I've started to have a recurring dream of sorts. The dream's plot changes from dream to dream, but there at two things that are consistent each time: I am dating Geordy again, and my knee collapses and I know all of my effort to rehab and think positive has been a failure.
I know it's just a dream, but I've been having it a lot and it is really fucking with my ability to keep my cool. Two major heartbreaks in a year is two too many, I think.
But the physical aspect of getting this surgery (and injury) is nothing compared to the mental pain it has caused. I knew that this would take a certain amount of determination and patience when I had the surgery, but I don't think I was prepared for exactly how hard it has been. I find it difficult to even talk about my knee in any serious way because I would just rather not think about it. When I do think about it seriously, alone and in my bed late at night usually, I mainly find myself thinking about how I can never trust it again. At any point in time, this other tendon could fail. There's no guarantee that my body won't still reject it (or, in fact, that it hasn't already rejected it).
People ask me if it feels stronger now; if I am happy that I'll get to return to my normal, pre-tear life; if I feel lucky that I am healing so well. But the truth is, it doesn't feel stronger now, and you can see a physical difference in the muscles from one leg to another. I don't know that I will get to return to my pre-tear life (I don't want to believe in it until it's actually a reality. The heartbreak for me was incredible, and I don't want to go through it again). And I don't feel lucky that I am "healing so well" because there's a part of my brain that is still telling me that the reason why my recovery has been fast and smooth is because something is wrong in there. And then I have to remind myself to think happy thoughts. As Karma reminds me, we don't consider that scenario too seriously because the power of positivity (and negativity) is strong.
But recently, my fear has seeped so deeply into my sub-conscious that I've started to have a recurring dream of sorts. The dream's plot changes from dream to dream, but there at two things that are consistent each time: I am dating Geordy again, and my knee collapses and I know all of my effort to rehab and think positive has been a failure.
I know it's just a dream, but I've been having it a lot and it is really fucking with my ability to keep my cool. Two major heartbreaks in a year is two too many, I think.