Aug 22, 2003 03:33
UGH. GOD. FUCKING KILL ME. Again. With the crying because he pissed me off. WHY?! OHH. GUESS I'LL "HAVE TO LEARN" SO THAT I CAN FOLLOW HOW HE THINKS. And then he'll stop being mad and I'll be over here RAGING. And he finds it funny. FUNNY. But if I find it funny that he's upset.. OHH NNOO. SOMEONE WILL DIE. And everything I think, I am so wrong and so off from how he put it. And just.. WOW. EVERYTHING I DO IS WRONG. WHAT WAS I THINKING?! I MUST BE ACTING LIKE A WOMAN. He'll get mad at this too. And he won't understand why I'm mad. He will essentially grent,renltnrlenrtlenqktnrkeqbntkrbektbrebtbjke FUCK FUCK FUCK FUKC FUKCC. EVERYONE SHOULD DIE. I am SO pissed off. SO PISSED OFF. AND HE DOESN'T CARE. I'm CRYING. I hate crying. Because I'm a stupid fucking WEAK person. This makes me realize STUPID SHIT THAT I DIDN'T BEFORE.
SOMEONE SHOOT ME.
ALL my music's stupid. ALL OF IT. To him. Pantera. PFT. OH MY GOD. PHIL ANSELMO SHOULD DIE. Techno? Metallica? Lynyrd Skynyrd? Kid Rock? Down? Nine Inch Nails? Stabbing Westward? ALL SO STUPID. AND LOOK AT ME. STUPID. STUPID STUPID FOR LISTENING TO THEM. Why don't I just LEARN?! Why I don't I head the FUCK over to Sweden and listen to good music? Anything on the radio's crap, OF COURSE. Please, sit there and tell me EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG ABOUT MY MUSIC. BECAUSE I ENJOY THAT OR SOMETHING?!
And me. Look at me. Emotional and stupid. DUMB DUMB DUMB. I do everything wrong. Nothing I say comes out right to him. He twists everything around so that it's against him. WHOA. I SAID WHAT THREE MONTHS AGO? PLEASE. THINK ABOUT IT A LOT NOW AND GET MAD. BECAUSE I CAN CHANGE THAT I DID IT. And I don't get mad because of the fact that I'm thinking you're shoving it in my face. I'm getting mad because you NEVER GIVE UP. You never fucking let things go. Three months ago, I hardly FUCKING KNEW YOU. So how was I supposed to act? Like I do now with you? NO. I hate people in general mostly. So I wanted to keep you on the outs. I DID NOT KNOW THAT WE WOULD BE TOGETHER. I'M SO SORRY I'M NOT A FUCKING PSYCHIC. You CANNOT scold me and get mad about something I did THAT long ago. Even if you just think about it by yourself and get upset. THAT pisses me off. You can't fix it. I can't fix it. NOTHING'S GOING TO FIX IT. WHY GET MAD? WHAT DOES IT DO? IT DOESN'T HELP YOU. It sure as FUCK doesn't help me. It fucks me up.
Look at me. SAD SAD human being. I'm not worthy of you OBVIOUSLY.
Look at me. Fat. Fat as FUCK. I'm sorry I can't be prettier. I'm sorry I'm not thinner. I'm sorry that I look different everytime you see me. I'm sorry I'm ugly to myself and tell you that. I'm sorry I can't be truthful about my weight or my body. It's mine. And I hate it. A lot.
Look at my music. SAD SAD STORY THAT IS, TO YOU.
Look how self-sonscious I am. YOU SHOULD JUST BEAT ME OR SOMETHING.
Look at how emotional I am. Emotional as fuck. SUCH A WOMAN. FUCK. I AM A WOMAN TO THE FULLEST EXTENT OBVIOUSLY.
Listen how I sing. I should just stop singing. No matter HOW well I sing or THINK I sing, you never say, "Hey, you sound REALLY good. I'm impressed." Most of the time, you don't even comment on the clips of me singing AT ALL. THANKS. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT. I try so much to impress you with me singing. Because you sing so much better than I. But it always comes out bad. I sing well. You don't know or care. I wish I sang better for you. I wish you were impressed. I'm sorry I'm not good enough.
Look at me. I've had sex. I'm sorry I can't be a virgin for you. I'm sorry I'm not pure. I can't fix that. I'M SORRY.
You make me feel so stupid. You make me feel like being me is a BAD, bad thing. Like I should change. Like I should listen to everything you listen to, think the way you think, and just.. God. Not be a dumbass. You complain about me so much. And you don't notice it. But I do. I DO. And it hurts. I feel, again, unintelligent and stupid for even trying. WHY TRY? You know, you say that I will grow to hate you, but I often believe that it's the other way around by how much it seems you dislike me. And how you dislike the things I like.
I should "understand" this or something like you do because you expect more from me. I HATE THAT. I'M SORRY I DON'T UNDERSTAND. GUESS I'M JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, EH? I'm stupid. So fucking kill me. I'm sorry I don't understand EVERYTHING EXACTLY how you do. God for bid I be.. I don't know.. Someone who THINKS DIFFERENTLY then you?! OH MY GOD. SOMEONE SHOULD KILL ME. OR NO.. Maybe you should just make fun of me all the time about it. And tell me that "I will someday learn." I'm different. I'm not you. I will never be like you. This is me. HI. HELLO. MY NAME'S CHELSEY. NICE TO MEET YOU. SORRY I'M DIFFERENT. SO SORRY.
I'm a FUCKING RETARD. You deserve better OR SOMETHING. I do everything wrong. Why are you even still talking to me? OHH I LIED. YES. LOOK AT ME. I'M A LIAR. So fucking SHOOT me. Please. Really. ANYONE?! FOR A SHOOTING? BECAUSE I'M DYING ALREADY.