(no subject)
Blame it on the fact that I don't recognize emotions unless they are violently extreme but I kind of enjoy just being content. Right now the emotions that i'm feeling about leaving China are equal amounts of both extremes so they cancel each other out which leaves me just sitting back and enjoying it all.
I am more excited now than ever to see my family. My family is my foundation and the support structure in my life which, when walking into a building, is the last thing someone tends to think about. But more and more of my thoughts about returning home revolve around how much I miss my family. And how glad i am that I haven't missed all of my Buffalo summer even if I did miss the fireworks.
But just slightly less strong that the missing my family emotions are the I'm going to miss Beijing emotions. I think I have a different sort of connection to the city because of my arrival. Because i knew no one and the first people i could count on for a smile that i saw on a regular basis were my teachers and the noodle cart woman. This city has slowly and almost without dectection changed from a place more foreign than i can possibly convey to a place whose streets, skyline, and vibe are now comfortable. You have to develop a kind of attachment to a place if you spend enough time in it to feel these things, i think.
So much time is spent saying goodbye these days. Yesterday Elaine and Mike went home. We saw them off to the airport and said our goodbyes. For me it was different because i knew i'd probably see them again. Mike lives an hour away from Buffalo and Elaine's in Ohio. But some people were saying goodbye who knew they would never see these people again. They would keep in contact through the miracles of the internet, but for how long? and nothing compares to all the time they've spent together. Parties and movies and singing and karaoke and delicious food and discovering a new city while discovering each other.
Today we send off Carter. A super nice guy from the Philipines who we only started really hanging out with the past two months or so. Jae-duk and Kirk and I will all accompany him to his last lunch at the restaurant of his choice, treat him, and send him off. It's kind of silly but oddly human to put yourself in situations where you can't help but to become deeply conected to the people around you with the prospect of a lifetime of seperation afterward. We fling ourselves to the corners of the globe and cling almost ferrally to people with nice smiles. We build up a second home whose walls are inside jokes and favourite restaurants, whose family members carry passports to cuntries you'll probably never see.
I've learned so much since coming here. I've realized my strengths which are more abundant that what I thought. I've realized my weaknesses and the things about me that I'm still working on. I've already changed in little ways i may not even fully realize until i get back but all the things i love most about me are intact.
::sigh:: goodbyes are hard.
I am more excited now than ever to see my family. My family is my foundation and the support structure in my life which, when walking into a building, is the last thing someone tends to think about. But more and more of my thoughts about returning home revolve around how much I miss my family. And how glad i am that I haven't missed all of my Buffalo summer even if I did miss the fireworks.
But just slightly less strong that the missing my family emotions are the I'm going to miss Beijing emotions. I think I have a different sort of connection to the city because of my arrival. Because i knew no one and the first people i could count on for a smile that i saw on a regular basis were my teachers and the noodle cart woman. This city has slowly and almost without dectection changed from a place more foreign than i can possibly convey to a place whose streets, skyline, and vibe are now comfortable. You have to develop a kind of attachment to a place if you spend enough time in it to feel these things, i think.
So much time is spent saying goodbye these days. Yesterday Elaine and Mike went home. We saw them off to the airport and said our goodbyes. For me it was different because i knew i'd probably see them again. Mike lives an hour away from Buffalo and Elaine's in Ohio. But some people were saying goodbye who knew they would never see these people again. They would keep in contact through the miracles of the internet, but for how long? and nothing compares to all the time they've spent together. Parties and movies and singing and karaoke and delicious food and discovering a new city while discovering each other.
Today we send off Carter. A super nice guy from the Philipines who we only started really hanging out with the past two months or so. Jae-duk and Kirk and I will all accompany him to his last lunch at the restaurant of his choice, treat him, and send him off. It's kind of silly but oddly human to put yourself in situations where you can't help but to become deeply conected to the people around you with the prospect of a lifetime of seperation afterward. We fling ourselves to the corners of the globe and cling almost ferrally to people with nice smiles. We build up a second home whose walls are inside jokes and favourite restaurants, whose family members carry passports to cuntries you'll probably never see.
I've learned so much since coming here. I've realized my strengths which are more abundant that what I thought. I've realized my weaknesses and the things about me that I'm still working on. I've already changed in little ways i may not even fully realize until i get back but all the things i love most about me are intact.
::sigh:: goodbyes are hard.