notes from the 6-month Couples' Study I'm doing with my boyfriend
In June, Tony and I agreed that it would be nice if we both received a random $100 in our checking accounts for participating in a 6-month Couples' Study that I saw advertised on our university's daily e-mail bulletin run out of this guy's lab. For the initial set of questions, we had to go answer questions in a computer lab for 2 hours (and will have to do the same for the final meeting in December), but for all the ones between, we answer a ~15 minute set of questions e-mailed to us individually, every two weeks. I thought I'd provide you all a sample of the questions. Given how positive the majority of my answers are, if this survey comprehensively measured all the important things about a relationship, I should marry my boyfriend, like yesterday. However, while I think all the things the survey touches are important, they are also pretty basic. Not that I know what kind of rubric I'd use to answer some of the other important issues in a relationship, but this is a blunt little tool we have here.
Here are a series of questions I copied and pasted directly into this entry from a survey:
Have any of these behaviors occurred since you completed the last survey?
My partner was sexually unfaithful.
My partner was emotionally unfaithful.
My partner was physically aggressive towards me (hit or pushed or slapped me, etc.).
My partner lied to me.
My partner flirted with someone else.
My partner was disrespectful to me.
My partner was rude to (or about) one of my family members or friends.
My partner kept a secret from me.
[how would I know?]
My partner was controlling of me.
My partner downplayed the importance of something I think is important.
My partner engaged in behavior I don’t respect.
My partner handled money poorly.
My partner did not support me when I needed it.
My partner communicated with me in a negative way (for example, spoke meanly or didn’t listen to me).
[I'm sure this happens sometimes - I know I do it occasionally, for example - but I can never remember the specifics because they aren't usually important for me to hold onto.]
My partner was emotionally distant from me (for example, acted coldly).
My partner forgot something that is important to me.
My partner was messy in a way that had a negative effect on me.
My partner did something that he/she knew I did not want him/her to do.
My partner acted excessively clingy with me.
Now we will ask you about the same set of behaviors, except this time we ask you to report whether YOU performed each behavior.
I answered no to all of the above things (not that I think I would particularly care about the flirting, I think some flirting is healthy), and then every time this question comes up, I answer yes:
My partner made fun of me.
After I answer yes, I get directed to a series of follow-up questions:
1. How many days ago did this hurtful behavior occur? (please type in the number of days) [1]
2. How hurtful do you feel this behavior was? [not at all hurtful]
3. To what extent did your partner try to MAKE UP FOR this hurtful behavior (for example, apologize)? [not at all]
4.Right now, how HAPPY do you feel about your partner's hurtful behavior? I feel... [intermediate between neutral/mixed and very happy]
5. Right now, how CALM do you feel about your partner's hurtful behavior? I feel...[very calm]
6. Right now, how ANGRY do you feel about your partner's hurtful behavior? I feel... [not at all angry]
7. Right now, how does your partner's hurtful behavior make you feel about your relationship? [intermediate between neutral/mixed and very satisfied]
The following questions are about your RESPONSE to your partner’s hurtful behavior.
8. Right now, to what extent have you forgiven your partner for this hurtful behavior? [strong forgiveness]
9. Right now, how HAPPY do you feel about your amount of forgiveness? I feel... [intermediate between neutral and very happy]
10. Right now, how CALM do you feel about your amount of forgiveness? I feel... [very calm]
11. Right now, how much SELF-RESPECT do you feel about your amount of forgiveness? I feel… [very much]
12. Right now, how does your amount of forgiveness make you feel about your relationship? I feel... [intermediate between neutral and very satisfied]
How has this changed the nature of our relationship? Overtly, not much, besides our occasionally joking "if you do X, I'm telling the survey."
On a deeper level, it's made me aware that any of the issues I have with my relationship aren't very quantifiable or simple. They aren't well-covered in the above questions, for instance. I wonder how many long-standing issues in long-term relationships would be.
Here are a series of questions I copied and pasted directly into this entry from a survey:
Have any of these behaviors occurred since you completed the last survey?
My partner was sexually unfaithful.
My partner was emotionally unfaithful.
My partner was physically aggressive towards me (hit or pushed or slapped me, etc.).
My partner lied to me.
My partner flirted with someone else.
My partner was disrespectful to me.
My partner was rude to (or about) one of my family members or friends.
My partner kept a secret from me.
[how would I know?]
My partner was controlling of me.
My partner downplayed the importance of something I think is important.
My partner engaged in behavior I don’t respect.
My partner handled money poorly.
My partner did not support me when I needed it.
My partner communicated with me in a negative way (for example, spoke meanly or didn’t listen to me).
[I'm sure this happens sometimes - I know I do it occasionally, for example - but I can never remember the specifics because they aren't usually important for me to hold onto.]
My partner was emotionally distant from me (for example, acted coldly).
My partner forgot something that is important to me.
My partner was messy in a way that had a negative effect on me.
My partner did something that he/she knew I did not want him/her to do.
My partner acted excessively clingy with me.
Now we will ask you about the same set of behaviors, except this time we ask you to report whether YOU performed each behavior.
I answered no to all of the above things (not that I think I would particularly care about the flirting, I think some flirting is healthy), and then every time this question comes up, I answer yes:
My partner made fun of me.
After I answer yes, I get directed to a series of follow-up questions:
1. How many days ago did this hurtful behavior occur? (please type in the number of days) [1]
2. How hurtful do you feel this behavior was? [not at all hurtful]
3. To what extent did your partner try to MAKE UP FOR this hurtful behavior (for example, apologize)? [not at all]
4.Right now, how HAPPY do you feel about your partner's hurtful behavior? I feel... [intermediate between neutral/mixed and very happy]
5. Right now, how CALM do you feel about your partner's hurtful behavior? I feel...[very calm]
6. Right now, how ANGRY do you feel about your partner's hurtful behavior? I feel... [not at all angry]
7. Right now, how does your partner's hurtful behavior make you feel about your relationship? [intermediate between neutral/mixed and very satisfied]
The following questions are about your RESPONSE to your partner’s hurtful behavior.
8. Right now, to what extent have you forgiven your partner for this hurtful behavior? [strong forgiveness]
9. Right now, how HAPPY do you feel about your amount of forgiveness? I feel... [intermediate between neutral and very happy]
10. Right now, how CALM do you feel about your amount of forgiveness? I feel... [very calm]
11. Right now, how much SELF-RESPECT do you feel about your amount of forgiveness? I feel… [very much]
12. Right now, how does your amount of forgiveness make you feel about your relationship? I feel... [intermediate between neutral and very satisfied]
How has this changed the nature of our relationship? Overtly, not much, besides our occasionally joking "if you do X, I'm telling the survey."
On a deeper level, it's made me aware that any of the issues I have with my relationship aren't very quantifiable or simple. They aren't well-covered in the above questions, for instance. I wonder how many long-standing issues in long-term relationships would be.