(no subject)
Last night I realized I will always be an addict. If it's not one thing it's the other. If it's not booze it's drugs. If it's not drugs, it's sex. If it's not sex, it's a feeling. I have no interest in sex. Right now it's the feeling of punishing myself. I hate manic depression, but the one up side is that when you're not really fucking depressed (that's 95% of the time for me) you can appreciate the good....even though mania fucking sucks too.
I hate waking up in the middle of the night reaching for something. gasping for air & then realize i just fell asleep watching an infomercial. I want to have normal dreams. sometimes they're good...rarely. the problem about mine is how vivid they are. not like waking life where you can control your dreams....they're just so real & disturbing. nothing i have been trying to do in the last say, 8 months is making any progress.
I've been seriously considering joining some kind of support group. I don't know if they have one for what I need though. Not like AA, but some kind of addiction. People have suggested getting some religion in my life, because you know....that's what people do when they get really desperate, in my opinion. When I join a cult, that's when you know I've really gone over the edge. I have considered maybe just getting back into a martial art, dabbling in some taoism. taoism isn't really a religion in my eyes, more of a philosophy. I really am desperate. I want to enjoy life so bad.
In other news, they killed a fucking cougar in my old neighborhood in roscoe village. what the fuck. just kill the damn thing....i mean, it's all about humans. who cares about animals. on the news there was a yuppie wife talking about how she's glad they killed it & I wanted to smack her. there is no doubt in my mind that humans will be the thing that causes the apocolypse...& I want to live during the apocalypse. right now it's looking like that dream might come true for me.g
I hate waking up in the middle of the night reaching for something. gasping for air & then realize i just fell asleep watching an infomercial. I want to have normal dreams. sometimes they're good...rarely. the problem about mine is how vivid they are. not like waking life where you can control your dreams....they're just so real & disturbing. nothing i have been trying to do in the last say, 8 months is making any progress.
I've been seriously considering joining some kind of support group. I don't know if they have one for what I need though. Not like AA, but some kind of addiction. People have suggested getting some religion in my life, because you know....that's what people do when they get really desperate, in my opinion. When I join a cult, that's when you know I've really gone over the edge. I have considered maybe just getting back into a martial art, dabbling in some taoism. taoism isn't really a religion in my eyes, more of a philosophy. I really am desperate. I want to enjoy life so bad.
In other news, they killed a fucking cougar in my old neighborhood in roscoe village. what the fuck. just kill the damn thing....i mean, it's all about humans. who cares about animals. on the news there was a yuppie wife talking about how she's glad they killed it & I wanted to smack her. there is no doubt in my mind that humans will be the thing that causes the apocolypse...& I want to live during the apocalypse. right now it's looking like that dream might come true for me.g