pointless rant.
OK SO...
i have a few things i need to get off my chest. outline form.
a) health insurance/college issue: if i do not go to college, i have no health insurance unless i work at home depot or something that gives me full health benefits. so basically, i have to go to college which will leave me with no time to train, thus not regaining the strength i lost this year because of that stupid labral tear that lead to that stupid surgery. which will bring us to my next isssue...
b) college: the freaking college counselor lady did not send my forms to emerson. if i went to emerson, i would be able to continue at the ballet while balancing college. granted, it would be difficult, but possible. and so, emerson never got my forms. and they have already sent out their acceptances. thus, i may be forced against my will to actually leave boston, my home, the place i swore i would never move away from, and go to goucher, in baltimore. that leads me to a subpoint.
1. i do NOT like baltimore. let's make that clear. i went there when i was younger, on my way to the summer olympics in atlanta. baltimore's food made me sick. i have since had a negative idea of baltimore. i did not like it when i visited goucher this year. besides, goucher is not even in baltimore exactly. it's not the city. it's some removed and remote area, with a mall where sketchy mall rats hang out. there is no good ballet there. i would have to go to washington to see some decent dancing. which leads me to subpoint two.
2. i did not like the dancing at goucher. i am not saying this based on watching classes only, i took the classes. the ballet was terrible, it scared me. i can't even make clear how bad it was. the modern was graham, which i hate. i don't even like modern in the first place so...
c) relating back to the whole health insurance thing, let's add in a complication. i am not a completely healthy person. i have rheumatoid arthritis. let's review one more time for the people who always forget: RA is not osteoarthritis. that is the old person one. often much less severe. RA is a crippling disease. it brings pain, horrible pain, and joint damage and deformation (case in point, my non-straightening elbow). even if a person appears fine, it doesn't mean they are not in pain. it is not like dance class sore. it is like bare bone on cement pain. try trying to sleep but you can't find a comfortable way to lie down because in any given position, something hurts. try accidently slamming your fingers into something, which would make a normal person wince, but it brings tears of pain to my eyes because my fingers are so swollen that i can't even bend them all the way into a fist, let alone have them shoved into one because you slipped up and forgot to be so ridiculously careful and went and slammed your hand into the table. how about pain in your feet? oh yeah, everyone has that...but usually it doesn't make it nearly impossible to walk because your feet are swollen to the point that you cannot really roll through your foot. (this is no one specific, just little comments that have added up here and there to finally make me angry).
1. let's add medication into the mix (we have to go back in time a little for a moment). one medication you take on a daily basis. ok, good, who cares? that's the ok one. another, you take twice a week by injection into your leg. yes it is slightly annoying to have to prepare the solution and the minimal pain, swelling, and itching around the injection site aren't that fun either, but no one said life was easy. finally, take the devil of the RA meds...the one that makes you so nauseous that it's gotten to the point where you can't even look at it or hear its name without retching. the color salmon makes you turn your head in digust. so finally you get so sick of it that you decide "gee, i'm really tired of throwing up every sunday night before and after taking that...i'm done, and i won't take anymore." so you go off the medication...it's not long before you drop all your meds, except for the injections because your dad gives them to you. you feel fine. you don't tell your doctor. maybe a year goes by and you start to notice swelling. whatever, beats being sick all the time. until you have a full-blown flare. your doctor finds out you ditched the meds, gets really mad, and your back with the meds. only this time, the devil medication is in liquid form. great, no salmon pink, no looking at those blasted pills. until this one starts making you sick. then you get an anti-nausea pill that makes it difficult for you to function for a few hours the next day. then your doctor gets really sick, and even though she got so mad at you for the whole medication situation, you're upset because she still understood and really worked with you and checked in with you. now you have psycho rhuemmy who tries to actually induce joint pain during a visit. then he changes your injection meds. he keeps the dosage the same, but instead of taking it twice a week you take the whole whopping thing in one dose. new dose is PAINFUL. bad pain. now you have to see if it works. it's not fun knowing that because you stopped your meds you brought on all of this yourself. here's to making bad decisions, even when both choices were bad.
2. i said this would link back to health insurance. so. like it or not, meds are necessary. without health insurance, no meds. without meds, no mobility. without mobility, no dancing. with health insurance, meds, mobility, college that has crappy dancing that will leave you nowhere. so no dancing career. what's the better choice, hmmmm?
d) skip back to surgery/recuperation. people are understanding about the situtation. they offer their help, their support, i love them for it, because where would i be without it? but there are some who make me feel bad about the time it is taking me to get back. i don't like being out people, understand? i didn't make the choice to sit out ballet's spring performances, because i can't dance and was in surgery during reheasals. that people seem to grasp. but i am making the choice to sit out carmen. weeks of holding out a fool's hope were draining, so please, don't tell me i'll be back in time. i won't. i don't think people understand how upsetting it is to watch someone dance what you were supposed to dancing and, not to sound conceited, know you could do it better. but then to have people tell you you can do it/you have to, it's like a yo-yo. "i can, i can't, you have to, don't do it, i need you"...well geeze, it's not my freaking fault, don't complain to me, just get the understudy and work on her because serious work needs to be done! i don't even know what more can be said about this situation. i mean, people seem to think i'm ok with this. suprise suprise, i'm not. i want to dance. please don't complain to me too much about heavy rehearsal. complain a decent amount, because you're entitled to if you work hard, but don't go above and beyond with it. be glad you can dance.
anyway...maybe that's it. i feel better now. it's better than me snapping at someone, right? poor unsuspecting souls, i feel bad when i yell at people who didn't do anything. i'm off to bed. night!
i have a few things i need to get off my chest. outline form.
a) health insurance/college issue: if i do not go to college, i have no health insurance unless i work at home depot or something that gives me full health benefits. so basically, i have to go to college which will leave me with no time to train, thus not regaining the strength i lost this year because of that stupid labral tear that lead to that stupid surgery. which will bring us to my next isssue...
b) college: the freaking college counselor lady did not send my forms to emerson. if i went to emerson, i would be able to continue at the ballet while balancing college. granted, it would be difficult, but possible. and so, emerson never got my forms. and they have already sent out their acceptances. thus, i may be forced against my will to actually leave boston, my home, the place i swore i would never move away from, and go to goucher, in baltimore. that leads me to a subpoint.
1. i do NOT like baltimore. let's make that clear. i went there when i was younger, on my way to the summer olympics in atlanta. baltimore's food made me sick. i have since had a negative idea of baltimore. i did not like it when i visited goucher this year. besides, goucher is not even in baltimore exactly. it's not the city. it's some removed and remote area, with a mall where sketchy mall rats hang out. there is no good ballet there. i would have to go to washington to see some decent dancing. which leads me to subpoint two.
2. i did not like the dancing at goucher. i am not saying this based on watching classes only, i took the classes. the ballet was terrible, it scared me. i can't even make clear how bad it was. the modern was graham, which i hate. i don't even like modern in the first place so...
c) relating back to the whole health insurance thing, let's add in a complication. i am not a completely healthy person. i have rheumatoid arthritis. let's review one more time for the people who always forget: RA is not osteoarthritis. that is the old person one. often much less severe. RA is a crippling disease. it brings pain, horrible pain, and joint damage and deformation (case in point, my non-straightening elbow). even if a person appears fine, it doesn't mean they are not in pain. it is not like dance class sore. it is like bare bone on cement pain. try trying to sleep but you can't find a comfortable way to lie down because in any given position, something hurts. try accidently slamming your fingers into something, which would make a normal person wince, but it brings tears of pain to my eyes because my fingers are so swollen that i can't even bend them all the way into a fist, let alone have them shoved into one because you slipped up and forgot to be so ridiculously careful and went and slammed your hand into the table. how about pain in your feet? oh yeah, everyone has that...but usually it doesn't make it nearly impossible to walk because your feet are swollen to the point that you cannot really roll through your foot. (this is no one specific, just little comments that have added up here and there to finally make me angry).
1. let's add medication into the mix (we have to go back in time a little for a moment). one medication you take on a daily basis. ok, good, who cares? that's the ok one. another, you take twice a week by injection into your leg. yes it is slightly annoying to have to prepare the solution and the minimal pain, swelling, and itching around the injection site aren't that fun either, but no one said life was easy. finally, take the devil of the RA meds...the one that makes you so nauseous that it's gotten to the point where you can't even look at it or hear its name without retching. the color salmon makes you turn your head in digust. so finally you get so sick of it that you decide "gee, i'm really tired of throwing up every sunday night before and after taking that...i'm done, and i won't take anymore." so you go off the medication...it's not long before you drop all your meds, except for the injections because your dad gives them to you. you feel fine. you don't tell your doctor. maybe a year goes by and you start to notice swelling. whatever, beats being sick all the time. until you have a full-blown flare. your doctor finds out you ditched the meds, gets really mad, and your back with the meds. only this time, the devil medication is in liquid form. great, no salmon pink, no looking at those blasted pills. until this one starts making you sick. then you get an anti-nausea pill that makes it difficult for you to function for a few hours the next day. then your doctor gets really sick, and even though she got so mad at you for the whole medication situation, you're upset because she still understood and really worked with you and checked in with you. now you have psycho rhuemmy who tries to actually induce joint pain during a visit. then he changes your injection meds. he keeps the dosage the same, but instead of taking it twice a week you take the whole whopping thing in one dose. new dose is PAINFUL. bad pain. now you have to see if it works. it's not fun knowing that because you stopped your meds you brought on all of this yourself. here's to making bad decisions, even when both choices were bad.
2. i said this would link back to health insurance. so. like it or not, meds are necessary. without health insurance, no meds. without meds, no mobility. without mobility, no dancing. with health insurance, meds, mobility, college that has crappy dancing that will leave you nowhere. so no dancing career. what's the better choice, hmmmm?
d) skip back to surgery/recuperation. people are understanding about the situtation. they offer their help, their support, i love them for it, because where would i be without it? but there are some who make me feel bad about the time it is taking me to get back. i don't like being out people, understand? i didn't make the choice to sit out ballet's spring performances, because i can't dance and was in surgery during reheasals. that people seem to grasp. but i am making the choice to sit out carmen. weeks of holding out a fool's hope were draining, so please, don't tell me i'll be back in time. i won't. i don't think people understand how upsetting it is to watch someone dance what you were supposed to dancing and, not to sound conceited, know you could do it better. but then to have people tell you you can do it/you have to, it's like a yo-yo. "i can, i can't, you have to, don't do it, i need you"...well geeze, it's not my freaking fault, don't complain to me, just get the understudy and work on her because serious work needs to be done! i don't even know what more can be said about this situation. i mean, people seem to think i'm ok with this. suprise suprise, i'm not. i want to dance. please don't complain to me too much about heavy rehearsal. complain a decent amount, because you're entitled to if you work hard, but don't go above and beyond with it. be glad you can dance.
anyway...maybe that's it. i feel better now. it's better than me snapping at someone, right? poor unsuspecting souls, i feel bad when i yell at people who didn't do anything. i'm off to bed. night!