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Title: This Sweet, Sweet Insanity
Notes: Post "Kobol's Last Gleaming Part 2." Yeah so I was basically sort of totally wrong on all my predictions. Angsty!Lee. Also the first time I ever tried to write a "mature" scene... it sucks.
Publish Date: 4/19/2005.
It's a strange, gentle insanity that grips at them menacingly slow, yet sucks the reality away so quickly they don't realize what's happened until it's too late. It's the kind of insanity that makes rebels comply and the dutiful rebel; the sort of insanity that curdles love to grief and hatred to passion. It's the kind of insanity that turns friends to toasters and fathers to corpses; drunkards to leaders and sons to mourners.
And so Lee's world ends, just as the twelve colonies ended: With an unexpected attack, heralded only by the bang.
But this one hurts more.
From the minute the shot is fired, it's all just a blur of people running and yelling and someone removing his handcuffs -- thank the Lords for that -- and most of all blood, blood everywhere. His father's blood. It's almost too much -- almost. The crazy blur suddenly grinds to a halt all at once, like grabbing a merry-go-round that's whirling at full speed. And it's Lee's moment, and everyone is watching as he cradles his father's head in his hands and suddenly the elder Adama opens his eyes and touches his son's face and everyone stops. And Lee wishes he could freeze forever the moment when his father smiles and whispers, "Lee... I love---" (here he coughs and it's blood but Lee doesn't care because of that radiant smile) "...I love you."
But then the old man's eyes close again and he coughs up more blood and as his hand slips from Lee's cheek, everyone knows.
And Lee is motionless, staring, trapped inside guilt and pain and memories and duty and love, trying to restrain himself from screaming. He doesn't. He doesn't even cry. He just sits, shell-shocked, until Tigh decides that this is enough and moves him quietly to the Commander's office. He just sits. Tigh commands. (As a general rule, XO's disliked by the crew in peacetime have its utmost loyalty during crises.) His first order is to throw Boomer out the airlock, no, don't throw her in hack, I SAID THROW HER OUT THE NEAREST FRAKKING AIRLOCK AND THAT IS WHAT YOU WILL DO. In retrospect, it's a good decision, even though the marines who do it don't think so at the time.
Lee just sits.
Tigh's second order is to release the President, no; don't leave her in hack, I SAID LET HER UP HERE RIGHT NOW AND THAT IS WHAT YOU WILL DO. In retrospect, it's a good decision, even though the marines who do it don't think so at the time. Lee just sits. The President is briefed by Tigh, and is shocked by the large quantity of blood on his uniform (he doesn't let her into the CIC). Then she sits with Lee.
But Lee can sit for longer than she can. Eventually she hugs him (but he doesn't hug back) and leaves, anxious to get back to Colonial One to begin controlling the situation best she can. It's not an easy thing to leave Lee, and she considers for one short beat taking him with her. He's not in a stable emotional state at all, but then she realizes that he wouldn't be of any use to her at this point. He would be a distraction, and she doesn't have time to play schoolteacher and give the poor, lost child a bandage and convince him that everything will be alright. She doesn't really even believe that everything will be alright, but she's a dying president and a prophet; what more could go wrong?
Miraculously, whatever dire answer you were thinking up to that question, it doesn't.
Lee just sits.
He sits for two weeks. The fleet wears black for two weeks. He goes to the funeral. He doesn't say anything. (Tigh and Roslin do.) He doesn't cry, he doesn't scream, he doesn't blink, he doesn't do anything but sit.
One day Tigh pokes his head into the old man's office, finding Lee sitting like a man made of marble instead of flesh and blood. He blinks at the intrusion and closes the book he was looking at -- an old family scrapbook left from when he and Zak were small. "You can't just frakking sit there for the rest of your life," Tigh snaps, and leaves as quickly as he came. Lee doesn't open the book again.
He paces the corridors instead. And the CIC. And the hangar deck. And the officer's quarters. And everywhere else imaginable. Then he runs. A lot. He remembers Kara a lot when he runs, because they always used to run together in the mornings at the Academy. Even during this crazy and insane war, he used to fix the flight schedules so that they could have their run together, every morning like some kind of wonderful, clockwork religion. (Being the CAG has perks.) He misses Kara. A lot. The more he misses her the more he runs, but the more he runs, the more he misses her. It kind of backfires, but sometimes the running makes him feel better about her. He gives her up for dead. Not that he wants to.
Another week passes, and the fleet is back to business as usual. (Except for Lee.)
One day he is lurking in CIC, an activity that he seems to do frequently over the last few days. (Tigh minds it; Gaeta does not -- Lee stays. There have been arguments over it.) It is a quiet day with little to no radio traffic. Patrols go out as scheduled. Five people die, which is relatively low considering that another baby is due to be born in just under three months. The human race is slowly beginning to learn to survive.
Frakking lovely for them, he thinks.
An unexpected call comes over the radio.
"Dredius contact, sir."
"Well?" barks Tigh impatiently. He seems more impatient these days than Lee remembers. Or is it just more long-term exposure?
"It's..." She checks the screen again, and when her eyebrows furrow, he quietly lurks behind her. What the frak is that? What the frak kind of ship looks like a Cylon Raider but sends a familiar signal? No way it's Kara. No fraking way. He can't believe it. But Duala glances into his eyes and nods, telling Tigh in a more confident voice, "It's Lieutenant Starbuck, sir."
"WHAT!" Tigh tugs at his beard, staring her straight in the eye. "Are you completely certain?" He has to ask again. He never thought he'd see that sorry, rebellious bitch again in his life. And he hates the spark of hope her return is generating in him.
"Yes sir, completely certain."
He sighs and looks directly at Lee. "I'm getting too old for this, Apollo." His voice insinuates something more, but Lee's head is spinning and not paying attention to the growly nonsense emitting from Tigh's mouth. Starbuck is home. Completely certain.
The radio crackles and her sweet, sweet voice comes floating through, filling the CIC. People around him whoop and cheer and hug. Duala breaks out in tears, though she conceals them nicely. Lee drops to his knees, right there in the middle of CIC, offering feverish prayer to the Gods, offering whole-hearted thanks for keeping her safe. For bringing her home.
Then he bolts to the hangar deck.
He paces around and around, and Tyrol chuckles softly. "Don't get too worked up, there, Captain... don't wanna kill her out of affection 'fore she's got the chance to get both feet on deck, if you know what I mean, sir." Lee actually smiles for the first time in a while, but he keeps pacing. Something like ten minutes pass. Too fracking long, if you want to know. He's going crazy waiting, caught yet again in the grip of the dangerous insanity. But it passes, and soon, oh, so soon, the Raider lands on the deck. The thick bass whir of the engines is nothing compared to the erratic, staccato beat of his heart. His palms moisten and his lips dry. And then the door opens.
He briefly acknowledges Tigh and Roslin and others walking slowly towards the Raider (when did they get here?), but once he sees that blonde crop of hair, Lee loses all pretense of reason and discipline and his walk quickens and his tongue loosens.
"Kara!" he rasps, voice sounding odd from three and a half weeks of unuse. He coughs and says it again and this time it works, "Kara!" And she turns her head and runs to him and they catch each other in the middle, arms wrapped tighter than ever imagined possible, whooping with joy in each other's ears but they don't care because she's home, home, home!
Roslin watches the scene unfold in front of her and is moved to tears that such love could still exist under such conditions. "I wish the Commander could be here," she observes to no one in particular. But Tigh's listening, and he smiles a rare and unconstrained smile.
"Trust me, Madam President; the Old Man is very happy about this."
At least Lee is very happy. He holds her and decides that he's never letting go again, though it'll never happen in real life. Their frantic reunion has slowed, ragged breaths coming together to a sweet and perfect tempo. They bury themselves in each other, and as he breathes in the very Kara-ness of her, he lets himself forget, just for a moment, that she is his best friend and he is her superior officer and she is his younger brother's ex-fiancé. She is a woman, his woman, and her skin is soft and her curves are familiar pressing against him and her smell is comforting and her breath on his throat is warm and all is good in the world. But then she glances over his shoulder and doesn't see the second person she was counting on being there, and says, "Lee, where's..."
His eyes can't meet hers and he can't bring himself yet to say it, so, after a pained moment, he whispers, "We needed you." And that is all he has to say, because she understands instantly (though she would rather not). Her eyes fill with tears as she shakes her head no, no, it can't be true, and he pulls her closer and promises that everything will be okay (even though he would rather not). The moment is broken, and the kiss he places on her forehead is one meant to provide strength for what someone is going to have to say. His arm goes around her waist as they walk to Tigh and Roslin and the future.
Then things start to blur together again. The afternoon is an odd mixture of debriefings and why the frak didn't Helo come home again, Kara? and a trip to LifeStations and why didn't he notice how busted her busted knee is? and religious discussions and how is a rusty old arrow going to lead them to Earth? And he slips his arm around her waist and walks her back to his quarters at the end of it all, because no matter how much she wants to sleep in her own rack tonight, she's going to have problems getting up to that top bunk.
She takes a shower. Lee just sits.
They lie on their backs on the bed and talk about all the funny little things that happened to them while they were still in the Academy, and about all the funny little things that happened to them a few years later when she dated Zak. The conversation is light. When she falls asleep, he goes into the adjoining office to do paperwork (because he's decided that life can start again and he can go back to being the CAG; a major part of being CAG is doing paperwork). His concentration slips, and he keeps having to walk back into the room to make sure she's still there. (She always is.) The last time, he goes running because she's moaning and screaming and sweating and swearing and calling for him, caught in the throes of a nightmare (the doctor warned that might happen) and he wants -- no, NEEDS -- to make it go away. He hovers over her and strokes her hair and when she wakes up he swears it was just a bad dream, and maybe it was. He doesn't really want to know if he's right.
"Hold me," she breathes, and he does because he can't resist, and because he loves her, truly and deeply loves her. He slips under the covers and she gravitates to his arms, resting her head on his shoulder. Their legs twine together and in this moment, he loves her more than he has ever loved anyone. He wants to tell her so badly that it gets the better of his judgment and the words burst out almost unintended.
"Kara... I love you."
She doesn't say anything, but she raises her head off his shoulder and adjusts so that she can look into his eyes.
He blunders on. "And I'm sorry because I was an asshole and I'm sorry I'm sorry because I love you and I need you and... You have no idea what it felt like to lose my father and you on the same day."
She still doesn't say anything.
"And I understand if you don't feel... that way about me, but please understand that I love you more than anything and anyone and anywhere and I just... dammit, you have to know that I would trade everything for you. Even my life," he finishes lamely.
But she's smiling that coy little smile of hers. "Then shut the frak up and kiss me."
He's startled. "What? No, that's not what I... I don't want you, I don't just want to... frak you; I LOVE YOU and---"
She cuts him off. The kiss starts soft and tentative, but quickly grows fierce, tongues meeting in a wild dance as she moans in the back of her throat, feeling him grow hard against her. Pulling back for air, she nudges against him, getting a moan out of him, too. "Want to frak me now?" He laughs deep and sweet, aware of her pale, calloused palm tracing the lines of his face.
"Frak yes."
It's a wild insanity that grips at them, strange and familiar and gentle and rough all at the same time. The only promise Lee can be confident in is his lips on hers, her fingertips roaming his body. But suddenly he comes to the realization that everything will be okay. "It'll be okay," he says, kissing salty teardrops from her face, toying with the waistband of her panties. "It's all gonna be okay." He pulls them off. Kara just smiles as he enters her. He revels in the fact that she's so soft and sweet and slick and ready, tears flowing down her face in happiness. Each thrust into her is a new and unspoken promise, a promise of a future they can make together, one that will be fueled by love, not by sorrow. He brings her closer, and as she nears the edge his hands slip down to the secret place between her legs and he rubs it, and in that moment she gasps and screams his name, spasming and clenching around him. It stirs him all the more, increases his desire and the speed at which he thrusts into her and soon he comes too. He's seeing stars and breathing her name and coming crashing back to reality as they roll onto their sides, still joined in the primal way.
They don't say anything for a long moment. They just breathe together.
Eventually, she breaks the silence.
"Lee?"
"Hmm?"
"You're frakking insane."
"Hmm... Thanks."
Notes: Post "Kobol's Last Gleaming Part 2." Yeah so I was basically sort of totally wrong on all my predictions. Angsty!Lee. Also the first time I ever tried to write a "mature" scene... it sucks.
Publish Date: 4/19/2005.
It's a strange, gentle insanity that grips at them menacingly slow, yet sucks the reality away so quickly they don't realize what's happened until it's too late. It's the kind of insanity that makes rebels comply and the dutiful rebel; the sort of insanity that curdles love to grief and hatred to passion. It's the kind of insanity that turns friends to toasters and fathers to corpses; drunkards to leaders and sons to mourners.
And so Lee's world ends, just as the twelve colonies ended: With an unexpected attack, heralded only by the bang.
But this one hurts more.
From the minute the shot is fired, it's all just a blur of people running and yelling and someone removing his handcuffs -- thank the Lords for that -- and most of all blood, blood everywhere. His father's blood. It's almost too much -- almost. The crazy blur suddenly grinds to a halt all at once, like grabbing a merry-go-round that's whirling at full speed. And it's Lee's moment, and everyone is watching as he cradles his father's head in his hands and suddenly the elder Adama opens his eyes and touches his son's face and everyone stops. And Lee wishes he could freeze forever the moment when his father smiles and whispers, "Lee... I love---" (here he coughs and it's blood but Lee doesn't care because of that radiant smile) "...I love you."
But then the old man's eyes close again and he coughs up more blood and as his hand slips from Lee's cheek, everyone knows.
And Lee is motionless, staring, trapped inside guilt and pain and memories and duty and love, trying to restrain himself from screaming. He doesn't. He doesn't even cry. He just sits, shell-shocked, until Tigh decides that this is enough and moves him quietly to the Commander's office. He just sits. Tigh commands. (As a general rule, XO's disliked by the crew in peacetime have its utmost loyalty during crises.) His first order is to throw Boomer out the airlock, no, don't throw her in hack, I SAID THROW HER OUT THE NEAREST FRAKKING AIRLOCK AND THAT IS WHAT YOU WILL DO. In retrospect, it's a good decision, even though the marines who do it don't think so at the time.
Lee just sits.
Tigh's second order is to release the President, no; don't leave her in hack, I SAID LET HER UP HERE RIGHT NOW AND THAT IS WHAT YOU WILL DO. In retrospect, it's a good decision, even though the marines who do it don't think so at the time. Lee just sits. The President is briefed by Tigh, and is shocked by the large quantity of blood on his uniform (he doesn't let her into the CIC). Then she sits with Lee.
But Lee can sit for longer than she can. Eventually she hugs him (but he doesn't hug back) and leaves, anxious to get back to Colonial One to begin controlling the situation best she can. It's not an easy thing to leave Lee, and she considers for one short beat taking him with her. He's not in a stable emotional state at all, but then she realizes that he wouldn't be of any use to her at this point. He would be a distraction, and she doesn't have time to play schoolteacher and give the poor, lost child a bandage and convince him that everything will be alright. She doesn't really even believe that everything will be alright, but she's a dying president and a prophet; what more could go wrong?
Miraculously, whatever dire answer you were thinking up to that question, it doesn't.
Lee just sits.
He sits for two weeks. The fleet wears black for two weeks. He goes to the funeral. He doesn't say anything. (Tigh and Roslin do.) He doesn't cry, he doesn't scream, he doesn't blink, he doesn't do anything but sit.
One day Tigh pokes his head into the old man's office, finding Lee sitting like a man made of marble instead of flesh and blood. He blinks at the intrusion and closes the book he was looking at -- an old family scrapbook left from when he and Zak were small. "You can't just frakking sit there for the rest of your life," Tigh snaps, and leaves as quickly as he came. Lee doesn't open the book again.
He paces the corridors instead. And the CIC. And the hangar deck. And the officer's quarters. And everywhere else imaginable. Then he runs. A lot. He remembers Kara a lot when he runs, because they always used to run together in the mornings at the Academy. Even during this crazy and insane war, he used to fix the flight schedules so that they could have their run together, every morning like some kind of wonderful, clockwork religion. (Being the CAG has perks.) He misses Kara. A lot. The more he misses her the more he runs, but the more he runs, the more he misses her. It kind of backfires, but sometimes the running makes him feel better about her. He gives her up for dead. Not that he wants to.
Another week passes, and the fleet is back to business as usual. (Except for Lee.)
One day he is lurking in CIC, an activity that he seems to do frequently over the last few days. (Tigh minds it; Gaeta does not -- Lee stays. There have been arguments over it.) It is a quiet day with little to no radio traffic. Patrols go out as scheduled. Five people die, which is relatively low considering that another baby is due to be born in just under three months. The human race is slowly beginning to learn to survive.
Frakking lovely for them, he thinks.
An unexpected call comes over the radio.
"Dredius contact, sir."
"Well?" barks Tigh impatiently. He seems more impatient these days than Lee remembers. Or is it just more long-term exposure?
"It's..." She checks the screen again, and when her eyebrows furrow, he quietly lurks behind her. What the frak is that? What the frak kind of ship looks like a Cylon Raider but sends a familiar signal? No way it's Kara. No fraking way. He can't believe it. But Duala glances into his eyes and nods, telling Tigh in a more confident voice, "It's Lieutenant Starbuck, sir."
"WHAT!" Tigh tugs at his beard, staring her straight in the eye. "Are you completely certain?" He has to ask again. He never thought he'd see that sorry, rebellious bitch again in his life. And he hates the spark of hope her return is generating in him.
"Yes sir, completely certain."
He sighs and looks directly at Lee. "I'm getting too old for this, Apollo." His voice insinuates something more, but Lee's head is spinning and not paying attention to the growly nonsense emitting from Tigh's mouth. Starbuck is home. Completely certain.
The radio crackles and her sweet, sweet voice comes floating through, filling the CIC. People around him whoop and cheer and hug. Duala breaks out in tears, though she conceals them nicely. Lee drops to his knees, right there in the middle of CIC, offering feverish prayer to the Gods, offering whole-hearted thanks for keeping her safe. For bringing her home.
Then he bolts to the hangar deck.
He paces around and around, and Tyrol chuckles softly. "Don't get too worked up, there, Captain... don't wanna kill her out of affection 'fore she's got the chance to get both feet on deck, if you know what I mean, sir." Lee actually smiles for the first time in a while, but he keeps pacing. Something like ten minutes pass. Too fracking long, if you want to know. He's going crazy waiting, caught yet again in the grip of the dangerous insanity. But it passes, and soon, oh, so soon, the Raider lands on the deck. The thick bass whir of the engines is nothing compared to the erratic, staccato beat of his heart. His palms moisten and his lips dry. And then the door opens.
He briefly acknowledges Tigh and Roslin and others walking slowly towards the Raider (when did they get here?), but once he sees that blonde crop of hair, Lee loses all pretense of reason and discipline and his walk quickens and his tongue loosens.
"Kara!" he rasps, voice sounding odd from three and a half weeks of unuse. He coughs and says it again and this time it works, "Kara!" And she turns her head and runs to him and they catch each other in the middle, arms wrapped tighter than ever imagined possible, whooping with joy in each other's ears but they don't care because she's home, home, home!
Roslin watches the scene unfold in front of her and is moved to tears that such love could still exist under such conditions. "I wish the Commander could be here," she observes to no one in particular. But Tigh's listening, and he smiles a rare and unconstrained smile.
"Trust me, Madam President; the Old Man is very happy about this."
At least Lee is very happy. He holds her and decides that he's never letting go again, though it'll never happen in real life. Their frantic reunion has slowed, ragged breaths coming together to a sweet and perfect tempo. They bury themselves in each other, and as he breathes in the very Kara-ness of her, he lets himself forget, just for a moment, that she is his best friend and he is her superior officer and she is his younger brother's ex-fiancé. She is a woman, his woman, and her skin is soft and her curves are familiar pressing against him and her smell is comforting and her breath on his throat is warm and all is good in the world. But then she glances over his shoulder and doesn't see the second person she was counting on being there, and says, "Lee, where's..."
His eyes can't meet hers and he can't bring himself yet to say it, so, after a pained moment, he whispers, "We needed you." And that is all he has to say, because she understands instantly (though she would rather not). Her eyes fill with tears as she shakes her head no, no, it can't be true, and he pulls her closer and promises that everything will be okay (even though he would rather not). The moment is broken, and the kiss he places on her forehead is one meant to provide strength for what someone is going to have to say. His arm goes around her waist as they walk to Tigh and Roslin and the future.
Then things start to blur together again. The afternoon is an odd mixture of debriefings and why the frak didn't Helo come home again, Kara? and a trip to LifeStations and why didn't he notice how busted her busted knee is? and religious discussions and how is a rusty old arrow going to lead them to Earth? And he slips his arm around her waist and walks her back to his quarters at the end of it all, because no matter how much she wants to sleep in her own rack tonight, she's going to have problems getting up to that top bunk.
She takes a shower. Lee just sits.
They lie on their backs on the bed and talk about all the funny little things that happened to them while they were still in the Academy, and about all the funny little things that happened to them a few years later when she dated Zak. The conversation is light. When she falls asleep, he goes into the adjoining office to do paperwork (because he's decided that life can start again and he can go back to being the CAG; a major part of being CAG is doing paperwork). His concentration slips, and he keeps having to walk back into the room to make sure she's still there. (She always is.) The last time, he goes running because she's moaning and screaming and sweating and swearing and calling for him, caught in the throes of a nightmare (the doctor warned that might happen) and he wants -- no, NEEDS -- to make it go away. He hovers over her and strokes her hair and when she wakes up he swears it was just a bad dream, and maybe it was. He doesn't really want to know if he's right.
"Hold me," she breathes, and he does because he can't resist, and because he loves her, truly and deeply loves her. He slips under the covers and she gravitates to his arms, resting her head on his shoulder. Their legs twine together and in this moment, he loves her more than he has ever loved anyone. He wants to tell her so badly that it gets the better of his judgment and the words burst out almost unintended.
"Kara... I love you."
She doesn't say anything, but she raises her head off his shoulder and adjusts so that she can look into his eyes.
He blunders on. "And I'm sorry because I was an asshole and I'm sorry I'm sorry because I love you and I need you and... You have no idea what it felt like to lose my father and you on the same day."
She still doesn't say anything.
"And I understand if you don't feel... that way about me, but please understand that I love you more than anything and anyone and anywhere and I just... dammit, you have to know that I would trade everything for you. Even my life," he finishes lamely.
But she's smiling that coy little smile of hers. "Then shut the frak up and kiss me."
He's startled. "What? No, that's not what I... I don't want you, I don't just want to... frak you; I LOVE YOU and---"
She cuts him off. The kiss starts soft and tentative, but quickly grows fierce, tongues meeting in a wild dance as she moans in the back of her throat, feeling him grow hard against her. Pulling back for air, she nudges against him, getting a moan out of him, too. "Want to frak me now?" He laughs deep and sweet, aware of her pale, calloused palm tracing the lines of his face.
"Frak yes."
It's a wild insanity that grips at them, strange and familiar and gentle and rough all at the same time. The only promise Lee can be confident in is his lips on hers, her fingertips roaming his body. But suddenly he comes to the realization that everything will be okay. "It'll be okay," he says, kissing salty teardrops from her face, toying with the waistband of her panties. "It's all gonna be okay." He pulls them off. Kara just smiles as he enters her. He revels in the fact that she's so soft and sweet and slick and ready, tears flowing down her face in happiness. Each thrust into her is a new and unspoken promise, a promise of a future they can make together, one that will be fueled by love, not by sorrow. He brings her closer, and as she nears the edge his hands slip down to the secret place between her legs and he rubs it, and in that moment she gasps and screams his name, spasming and clenching around him. It stirs him all the more, increases his desire and the speed at which he thrusts into her and soon he comes too. He's seeing stars and breathing her name and coming crashing back to reality as they roll onto their sides, still joined in the primal way.
They don't say anything for a long moment. They just breathe together.
Eventually, she breaks the silence.
"Lee?"
"Hmm?"
"You're frakking insane."
"Hmm... Thanks."