there's nothing ever wrong, but nothings ever right-such a creul contradiction.
i talked to mr. swain today. it depressed me. i wish i was half the musician that kid is. he will be amazing someday. he has so many sideprojects. i cant wait to play our scotts jam. itll be awesome. he told me how much he misses molly and how much he doesnt like micheal. i dont really know micheal but ive always been a big fan of molly. i was seriously gonna protest after molly left. she was one of the better parts of the band. i remember the first show i saw, i remember hearing tos and turn. i remember the first few seconds, just the intro, i knew it was a kickass song. if they were gonna get noticed, get some serious gigs, some radio play, toss and turn was the song that would've done it. since mollys gone they wont play it. im happy about that because its her song. i miss hearing it so much. that is an amazing song. i could've sworn it was a cover because it is just so good. i wish max wasnt such a prick. he shouldntve kicked her out.
god im in a terrible mood. i dont know why, i just dont feel happy. my usual, cheery disposition is gone. it sucks. i think it bothered jenn to see me unhappy. i hope she didnt think it was her fault. it wasnt. i dont want her to ever think my problems are her fault. it just looked like me sad made her sad and i hate seeing her sad. i always have. it has always killed me. i was talking to my stepmom today and she thinks jenn is my friend but she put emphasis on friendship. i kinda laughed. then we got to talking about dreams. why does everybody talk about dreams now????/ anyway she mentioned shes been dreaming about my sister. i didnt want to tell her, ive been dreaming about fatherhood. shed kill me. shed hate jenn forever if she thought there was something wrong. shes so damn protective of me. she thinks im gonna get hurt so easily. the thing is ive been through a lot. i can handle a lot, sometimes. now... i dont know if im stable enough to go through something big and devistationg.
mothers day is this week. i dont want to celebrate it. im in the mood to bomb my mother. i hate her. im supposed to call her sunday and say hello. fuck that. i dont want to talk to her. i have no excuse not to though. i want to see her again but i dont want to go alone. i want jenn to come with me and stay with me the entire time. i know that puts her in an awkward position because there would be screaming and yelling and all kinds of good stuff like that. i just dont want to face my mom or my sister alone. im scared. im feeling really codependent lately and i really wish i could have jenn with me 24/7. just following me and telling me that itll be ok. nothing is really wrong so what is there that isnt ok? why do i need comforted? comforted from what? im having the worst innerconflict ever. every emotion i feel lately is wrong. its weird. i feel jealousy over jenn talking to andrew white. i dont care that they hang out and i really want her to have guy friends but when i hear her talk about him its like when me and jenn used to just be friedns. im jealous. i dont want her to like him. im terified that ill lose her. shes really all i have right now. ive blown off all my friends lately for her or chantelle. ive gone 4 months without talking to anyone. it sucks. ive basically talked to rita and jenn. now i dont even talk to rita anymore. i seriously need to feel better. i wish jenn was online. im gonna try and call her again.
GREGGER
god im in a terrible mood. i dont know why, i just dont feel happy. my usual, cheery disposition is gone. it sucks. i think it bothered jenn to see me unhappy. i hope she didnt think it was her fault. it wasnt. i dont want her to ever think my problems are her fault. it just looked like me sad made her sad and i hate seeing her sad. i always have. it has always killed me. i was talking to my stepmom today and she thinks jenn is my friend but she put emphasis on friendship. i kinda laughed. then we got to talking about dreams. why does everybody talk about dreams now????/ anyway she mentioned shes been dreaming about my sister. i didnt want to tell her, ive been dreaming about fatherhood. shed kill me. shed hate jenn forever if she thought there was something wrong. shes so damn protective of me. she thinks im gonna get hurt so easily. the thing is ive been through a lot. i can handle a lot, sometimes. now... i dont know if im stable enough to go through something big and devistationg.
mothers day is this week. i dont want to celebrate it. im in the mood to bomb my mother. i hate her. im supposed to call her sunday and say hello. fuck that. i dont want to talk to her. i have no excuse not to though. i want to see her again but i dont want to go alone. i want jenn to come with me and stay with me the entire time. i know that puts her in an awkward position because there would be screaming and yelling and all kinds of good stuff like that. i just dont want to face my mom or my sister alone. im scared. im feeling really codependent lately and i really wish i could have jenn with me 24/7. just following me and telling me that itll be ok. nothing is really wrong so what is there that isnt ok? why do i need comforted? comforted from what? im having the worst innerconflict ever. every emotion i feel lately is wrong. its weird. i feel jealousy over jenn talking to andrew white. i dont care that they hang out and i really want her to have guy friends but when i hear her talk about him its like when me and jenn used to just be friedns. im jealous. i dont want her to like him. im terified that ill lose her. shes really all i have right now. ive blown off all my friends lately for her or chantelle. ive gone 4 months without talking to anyone. it sucks. ive basically talked to rita and jenn. now i dont even talk to rita anymore. i seriously need to feel better. i wish jenn was online. im gonna try and call her again.
GREGGER