this is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is going to be a hell of a long post, because I've got stuff to get out. Okay, here I go. Sunday was Jake's birthday, so I spent the day with his family. We went out to lunch with his cousin, aunt, and mom. I don't know his cousin very well, and she dosn't like me much I don't think, so I stayed quiet pretty much the whole time. Afterwards though, she left to go back up to Tuscon, and we went to get Jake his riffle. Then, his Mom got him the water bed he wanted, and then we decided to go bowling. We didn't get to go because it was leauge day, so we decided to go to Castles and Coasters and play Mini Golf. It was pretty fun, and me and Jake rode Desert Storm twise and drove the little car things. Lol. Then we went to Sonic, and I realized I am addicted to their cherry limeade things. They rock. That was pretty much my last day of fun. I got home kind of late, but promised Jake's Mom that I would get up and go to school. I actually did, even though I was so tired and I woke up feeling so horrible. I was doing my makeup and practicly to myself, I'm like "I do not feel good." Mom bitched at me that I should stop fooling myself that I can actually do this, and just drop out, get my GED when I turn 16, and be done with this high school crap. I get bitched at when I do go, and I get bitched at when I don't. Double edged sword much?
Fourth hour I started to really lag, and on the way to fifth hour I saw Halley and said hey. I don't know where she was at lunch, and Becca wasn't there, so me and Jake sat just us. It was alright though, I missed lunch. It felt good to be back at my table and feel kind of normal and not like the freak with the disease for once. Fifth hour I just felt like hell. I was annoyed with Excel, because all that formula junk is too hard for this stupid brain to figure out. Then, the day went to a very literal hell. I got called up to Mr. Minessi's office, the Assistant Principal. He was basicly a big dick and told me I wasn't going to get any credit for this whole semester, since I wasn't there enough. Even if I were to get all of my grades up and bust my ass, even with the doctors notes, even with the 504 that is supposed to acomidate my medical needs, I have to retake this semester. I have two classes that are YEAR long classes, which means that I will probably not graduate on time. I was so upset, trying not to cry so hard, because in no way am I going to let this basterd see me cry. I'm trying so hard to get up and go, I want to be there so much. I want to have the high school experiance and have friends and for one moment just be close to normal. For once in my life, I just want to be happy. He informed me that I can come to school every day if I want, and be in class, but it will be a choice that I make just because I want to be in the class, not because I'll get any type of credit for it. I don't understand why I'm going to kill myself to get up every morning to not get anything out of it.
So, when the bell rang I left, and dickhead was still on the phone with my Mom. Saw Jake and told Jake about it and tried not to start crying when Amber and George and Brandon came up and I was talking to them about it. Jake was pissed at me. It was a different kind of pissed though, he just got real quite and started giving me funny looks. I was supposed to go over and watch Romeo and Juliet for our project, but I had to go home and talk to my Mom. I'm really pissed that the teachers didn't tell me when I asked for the info that I shouldn't pair up with someone because I wouldn't get credit. I'm still doing it with Jake though because it's alot of points and I don't want him to get penilized because I'm a complete and total failure. When I went to hug him before I left, it was half hearted on his part. I told him I was so sorry and I loved him, and he didn't say it back to me. I kissed him, he didn't kiss me back, so I just left on the bus. It hurt me so much to need his reasurance that everything will be okay, that he will be there for me and not leave, and not get that. It hurts so much that he dosn't understand. It's not fair to him, to hold him back like this. He deserves a girl that will be there, will be up to going out and won't have to say, "Maybe, if I feel alright", when he wants to go out. He should have someone who he can see at school every day and eat lunch with and spend time with and not have to worry about his girlfriend getting too sick.
I talked to Marilee on the bus, and then I went home, and broke down hugging my sister. I was so upset, and since then I've just been in this lull. I'm so depressed. Every thought I have is about how I've just sat here, wasting my time, these whole 15 years I've been alive. Why the hell am I even here? I'm not good for anything. I can't get up in the morning. My family dosn't love me. My friends are busy, and are not the kind of people you can call at 1am crying and have them understand. I know that they try, and I appreciate it, but I'm only going to distance myself farther from them. I made Jake promise that even if I can't be there, to go to Prom if it's Senior year and we are still together. To go with someone else even if he still says I'm his girlfriend. Because I'm sick of holding people back. I told him he could even kiss his date. I want him to have that experiance of prom night. I don't want him not to get it because of me. This is really going to take a toll on my relationships, with everyone. My Mom threatened to beat the shit out of me last night. We're thinking about sending me to my fathers. He's actually helping us, fighting the school. Mom just wants me to give up and take the easy way out. I was looking at pictures of my sister during high school with her, and at her yearbooks, and I saw the graduation pictures, and the ones on campus at the school, and I wanted to cry so bad. I'm never going to get that. I'm not going to graduate from high school like a normal kid. I'm not going to go to the Prom. I'm not going to eat at my lunch table anymore. I feel so worthless and I hate myself so much. I've never been as depressed as I am. Every minute it just seems to get worse and the only time I can really let it out is when I'm by myself. I can't let anyone else see it.
Mom wants to get me on pills for my depression, but she dosn't want me diagnosed because that will look bad when I go to get a job. Well, if I drop out, that will look just as bad. I'm just so sick of feeling this way. I wish I would just die. I wish that my sickness would just kill me. I hate everything. I'm just roting away inside and I hate that feeling. Today I didn't go in to school. I slept till 2. I'm SO tired of being sick. I can't handle any of this anymore, I just want to be happy. That's all I want. I want so badly to be happy and normal and I can't be and I'm crying as I type this and it's stupid and makes me sick to my stomach to think that this is what I've been reduced to. This is my life. And I hate it.