YADA YADA YADA
So the R15 (or the R6, as account there weren't many of them) sat next my table at lunch today. I think they did it on purpose, sitting right in front of me. Or at least Kristina, because she sat down first. I tried to get Derrick's attention to wish him a happy birthday, but no luck. I figured. They don't talk to me anymore. Which is fine. I understand that they're still mad at me (even though it's been 4 months). I love how they accept everyone else's faults but mine. But whatever. They are intitled to live they way they see fit.
I've been in a real emo mood, which is bad because i feel like my "mood" is already starting. I'm trying not to let anyone notice, but it's so hard to be so upbeat when the only thoughts you have are negative. It's going to be a really rough semester. Especially not having Kris around. She was my crutch. But I seemed to have leaned on it a little too much and it snapped right from under me. I'm lost without all of them. I feel pretty safe writing all this because they don't read this anymore. Or at least I hope not. I don't want them to know how much I miss them.
I miss Scott too. Not in an intimate way. But as a friend. I NEVER see him. It's depressing.
I've realized just now, that i'm not in an emo mood at all. Just nostalgic. I read Kris's and Derrick's away messages last night and it got me really upset. I went to bed crying. Not for the fact that i miss them, but because I had never been as happy as I was with them. They were the best friends I'd ever had. I guess in their opinion I didn't show it often enough. I guess that's my fault and there's no arguing it. I just wish they had given me one more chance. I prolly would have fucked that up too. I always fuck shit up.
Astrid reminds me of Kris so much. It's scary. I almost don't wanna be Astrid's friend because of it. I was so attached to Kristina; she was the closest person I ever had to a sibling (my brother sucks! LOL). And Astrid and I are the same way. Maybe I just get along with people as well as i thought. Oh, well. I'm destined to be alone is all. I can deal with that. I was alone for 18 years of my life. And if I can do that through high school, i can do it forever. It's just that finally feeling what it's like to have friends and be a real part of a group, I want it back, but i know that'll never happen. And boyfriends too! LOL! It was finally nice to love someone who loved me back. But i fucked it up. I'm just a fuck-up.
I've been in a real emo mood, which is bad because i feel like my "mood" is already starting. I'm trying not to let anyone notice, but it's so hard to be so upbeat when the only thoughts you have are negative. It's going to be a really rough semester. Especially not having Kris around. She was my crutch. But I seemed to have leaned on it a little too much and it snapped right from under me. I'm lost without all of them. I feel pretty safe writing all this because they don't read this anymore. Or at least I hope not. I don't want them to know how much I miss them.
I miss Scott too. Not in an intimate way. But as a friend. I NEVER see him. It's depressing.
I've realized just now, that i'm not in an emo mood at all. Just nostalgic. I read Kris's and Derrick's away messages last night and it got me really upset. I went to bed crying. Not for the fact that i miss them, but because I had never been as happy as I was with them. They were the best friends I'd ever had. I guess in their opinion I didn't show it often enough. I guess that's my fault and there's no arguing it. I just wish they had given me one more chance. I prolly would have fucked that up too. I always fuck shit up.
Astrid reminds me of Kris so much. It's scary. I almost don't wanna be Astrid's friend because of it. I was so attached to Kristina; she was the closest person I ever had to a sibling (my brother sucks! LOL). And Astrid and I are the same way. Maybe I just get along with people as well as i thought. Oh, well. I'm destined to be alone is all. I can deal with that. I was alone for 18 years of my life. And if I can do that through high school, i can do it forever. It's just that finally feeling what it's like to have friends and be a real part of a group, I want it back, but i know that'll never happen. And boyfriends too! LOL! It was finally nice to love someone who loved me back. But i fucked it up. I'm just a fuck-up.