Everyday is a Distraction - tag beastlyinsides and not_a_billain
The dream comes to me again just like it does almost every night; Nathan, me, on the rooftop, him begging me to let him go. I can’t, I don’t want to and when he gives up, lets go of my wrist and falls away from me, I feel my heart rip to shreds all over again. If only I had super strength or my original ability, I could have saved him. Hell, even with Parkman’s power, I could have forced Sylar back into unconsciousness, if only for a little while. The bastard would have returned again but I would have stopped him, went through the same steps. Then I could have kept my brother alive.
But I didn’t. I wasn’t strong or smart enough. My recurring nightmare is proof of that. A torrent of tears stream from my eyes, dropping to the pavement below as my hero, my Nathan plummets to the ground below. His beautiful face twisting back into the shape of his killer. The shock and horror felt at that moment, one that lingered for days gave way to numbness, as I assured myself that I would somehow learn to go on; for him, Mom, Monty, Simon and Claire.
I managed to do it too, for a little while at least. My days and nights consumed with saving the world from Samuel and his megalomaniacal carnival of doom. The first chink in my armor happening when I was trapped in Sylar’s warped mind; trying to stay furious at him, reminding myself of not only Nathan’s death but the others that he’s caused but he would keep going on and on about how he had changed. Asking my forgiveness and being repentant, which was difficult enough because I could feel just how truthful those words and emotions were to him inside.
However, it was the memories that hurt the worst. The snippets of Nathan and my lives together that Sylar would randomly pull up, speaking about them as if he, himself had experienced them were always like a dagger straight to the heart. Most days I would get angry, push him away, and blast him for stealing memories that didn’t belong to him. But on those lonely nights, when I was weak and tired, missing the one person I had loved my whole life, sometimes, I cherished the reminder, only to hate myself again the morning after.
Breaking down that wall had allowed Sylar and me to escape being stranded in his nightmare world but I still hadn’t managed to break free of him. No matter what, now the two of us were bonded. The time spent together had guaranteed that. It was my duty to keep an eye on him, not only because he swore he was a changed man but because he was also my last link to Nathan. That part was selfish but I never claimed to be perfect. And sometimes I couldn’t help but wonder…just how deep did those memories of my brother’s go?
The world is different now but somehow still the same; I wake up, go to work, come home and start the routine again. Though there are exceptions to that, like today. I stop by my favorite coffee house and order two cups of coffee; one tall and black while the other has sugar in it to make it sweet. In my other hand I have a small grocery bag which I stick the folded portion of in my teeth while I use my key to open the heavy, barred door to the old watch shop. My foot bracing open the door as I step inside.
“Sylar?” I call out. Not too loudly, all the glass in the place always makes me nervous. With my luck, I’ll raise my voice and cause something to break. I make my way past the ticking clocks and displays; the worktable that looks like it’s been used recently and head to the back. “Fuck, man, it’s freezing in here. I don’t know how you stand it.” I don’t know why he’s insisted on staying here and hiding out but at least there’s no bodies or blood.
But I didn’t. I wasn’t strong or smart enough. My recurring nightmare is proof of that. A torrent of tears stream from my eyes, dropping to the pavement below as my hero, my Nathan plummets to the ground below. His beautiful face twisting back into the shape of his killer. The shock and horror felt at that moment, one that lingered for days gave way to numbness, as I assured myself that I would somehow learn to go on; for him, Mom, Monty, Simon and Claire.
I managed to do it too, for a little while at least. My days and nights consumed with saving the world from Samuel and his megalomaniacal carnival of doom. The first chink in my armor happening when I was trapped in Sylar’s warped mind; trying to stay furious at him, reminding myself of not only Nathan’s death but the others that he’s caused but he would keep going on and on about how he had changed. Asking my forgiveness and being repentant, which was difficult enough because I could feel just how truthful those words and emotions were to him inside.
However, it was the memories that hurt the worst. The snippets of Nathan and my lives together that Sylar would randomly pull up, speaking about them as if he, himself had experienced them were always like a dagger straight to the heart. Most days I would get angry, push him away, and blast him for stealing memories that didn’t belong to him. But on those lonely nights, when I was weak and tired, missing the one person I had loved my whole life, sometimes, I cherished the reminder, only to hate myself again the morning after.
Breaking down that wall had allowed Sylar and me to escape being stranded in his nightmare world but I still hadn’t managed to break free of him. No matter what, now the two of us were bonded. The time spent together had guaranteed that. It was my duty to keep an eye on him, not only because he swore he was a changed man but because he was also my last link to Nathan. That part was selfish but I never claimed to be perfect. And sometimes I couldn’t help but wonder…just how deep did those memories of my brother’s go?
The world is different now but somehow still the same; I wake up, go to work, come home and start the routine again. Though there are exceptions to that, like today. I stop by my favorite coffee house and order two cups of coffee; one tall and black while the other has sugar in it to make it sweet. In my other hand I have a small grocery bag which I stick the folded portion of in my teeth while I use my key to open the heavy, barred door to the old watch shop. My foot bracing open the door as I step inside.
“Sylar?” I call out. Not too loudly, all the glass in the place always makes me nervous. With my luck, I’ll raise my voice and cause something to break. I make my way past the ticking clocks and displays; the worktable that looks like it’s been used recently and head to the back. “Fuck, man, it’s freezing in here. I don’t know how you stand it.” I don’t know why he’s insisted on staying here and hiding out but at least there’s no bodies or blood.