Flock of Seagulls
As many of my loyal fan base have come to realize over time, it's a rarity for myself to discuss what happens in my daily life. This type of entry may suit you typical LJers who have no regard for the enjoyment of others reading your journal, but it irks me in a way to which I can not describe. But every so often something happens to me, something that could only happen to me, and then I feel better about reporting the events to my internet friends. (Long pause) This is one such event.
A few weeks back I was at a friend's house in LBI (Long Beach Island, NJ) and I, like 2,000 other people, was just lounging about the beach. Headphones on, a book in my hands, and sunblock where the sun (sometimes) don't shine, I felt perfectly at peace with the elements. So I'm minding my own business and I feel a wet, sandy substance brush against my shoulders and mayne (or as some of you know it as, hair). At the time I figured it was some asshole kid tossing wet sand until I looked up and hear "Kawww, Kawwww" and see a flock seagulls circling overhead. And I sincerely hope that is the last time anyone utters the term "Flock of sea gulls" ever again.
Assuming many of you have a short attention span I'll paraphrase in bold letters A seagull took a dropping on my head.
Now, after thinking nothing else could possibly go wrong I head back to the house to take a shower. Toward the wooden benches on the beach I take a step and feel this tremendous pain pulsate through my right foot.
I look down and pull out a 3 inch piece of wood from my foot, about half of it still in my skin as I tore it out splinter by splinter.
Now as we know only pussies use neosporin and bandaids. And since I didn't want to be a pussy I consequently fell victim to infection. And as I side note, I was so inspired by this incident I started my own band.
The name: The Band-AIDS.
So I guess there is a happy ending after all.
Now let's head in a new direction:
Here are some common American phrases that grossly mislead the public and need new clarification. I am here to help you derive the true meaning of these overused phrases.
* "The Grass is greener on the other side."
If the grass is greener on the other side, maybe you ought to hire better landscapers, lazy. A lot of people in the world live in mud huts and have never seen grass. Let's face it, in every society there is a hierarchy and there will inevitably be people on the bottom, living hand-to-mouth. So have a little empathy and be happy you have Scott's Turf Builder and not a house made of dung and cabage, you insensitive dolt.
* "You're only as old as you feel."
That's just what the elderly say to feel better about themselves when the government cancels their medicare and they're left alone to spend $8,000 a month in prescription drugs. Let's be frank, you're as old as your birth certificate--unless you're a Latino, in which case you probably play baseball and every year is a leap year.
* "The best things in life are free."
Well so are the worst things, like cancer, public access television and lincoln logs. That doesn't mean I want to stand in line screaming, "Holy shit, look at all this free stuff I just got!"
Next entry I promise won't be this bad, sorry I let all of you down. So why don't you stop criticizing me and get back to writing your entries about what Krissy said to that creepy guy in The Gap. Really, it's enthralling.
Thanks for reading (and probably not commenting).
A few weeks back I was at a friend's house in LBI (Long Beach Island, NJ) and I, like 2,000 other people, was just lounging about the beach. Headphones on, a book in my hands, and sunblock where the sun (sometimes) don't shine, I felt perfectly at peace with the elements. So I'm minding my own business and I feel a wet, sandy substance brush against my shoulders and mayne (or as some of you know it as, hair). At the time I figured it was some asshole kid tossing wet sand until I looked up and hear "Kawww, Kawwww" and see a flock seagulls circling overhead. And I sincerely hope that is the last time anyone utters the term "Flock of sea gulls" ever again.
Assuming many of you have a short attention span I'll paraphrase in bold letters A seagull took a dropping on my head.
Now, after thinking nothing else could possibly go wrong I head back to the house to take a shower. Toward the wooden benches on the beach I take a step and feel this tremendous pain pulsate through my right foot.
I look down and pull out a 3 inch piece of wood from my foot, about half of it still in my skin as I tore it out splinter by splinter.
Now as we know only pussies use neosporin and bandaids. And since I didn't want to be a pussy I consequently fell victim to infection. And as I side note, I was so inspired by this incident I started my own band.
The name: The Band-AIDS.
So I guess there is a happy ending after all.
Now let's head in a new direction:
Here are some common American phrases that grossly mislead the public and need new clarification. I am here to help you derive the true meaning of these overused phrases.
* "The Grass is greener on the other side."
If the grass is greener on the other side, maybe you ought to hire better landscapers, lazy. A lot of people in the world live in mud huts and have never seen grass. Let's face it, in every society there is a hierarchy and there will inevitably be people on the bottom, living hand-to-mouth. So have a little empathy and be happy you have Scott's Turf Builder and not a house made of dung and cabage, you insensitive dolt.
* "You're only as old as you feel."
That's just what the elderly say to feel better about themselves when the government cancels their medicare and they're left alone to spend $8,000 a month in prescription drugs. Let's be frank, you're as old as your birth certificate--unless you're a Latino, in which case you probably play baseball and every year is a leap year.
* "The best things in life are free."
Well so are the worst things, like cancer, public access television and lincoln logs. That doesn't mean I want to stand in line screaming, "Holy shit, look at all this free stuff I just got!"
Next entry I promise won't be this bad, sorry I let all of you down. So why don't you stop criticizing me and get back to writing your entries about what Krissy said to that creepy guy in The Gap. Really, it's enthralling.
Thanks for reading (and probably not commenting).