(no subject)
I have no idea why I feel so fucked up this week. Sure, maybe it's because I'm off birth control for the week. Maybe it's because I'm sick and grumpy and lonely (as I always am when I'm sick). Maybe I'm just burned out, I don't know, but lots of things are bothering me.
1. Things I will never be. a. Pretty, gorgeous, glamorous b. nice, generous, kind c. cheerful, happy, socially adept d. skinny
These things really bother me. Especially (b). I feel like I was a nice kid, but somehow I grew up to be mopey and bitchy. It's not something I can really change, it's just the way I am. I don't know how to be nice. I have to rant about politics and school and whatever. I really can't stand competitive people at all. In fact conversations with them tend to end in yelling matches.
And it's frustrating, because sometimes I want to go against my nature and be one of those charming people who knows everyone and everyone likes, but then I realize that I just can't be that. I'm shy, I'm mean, I don't know how to make people feel comfortable. At best, people are intimidated by me. I don't know why. Is it the way I talk? Do I sound too intellectual? Or am I just too quiet? It's so stupid that they would be intimidated, because my self-hatred pretty much guarantees that I see myself as the lowest trash, so I don't think I'm better than them.
2. Relationships just suck. I kinda wish I wasn't in one right now. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place it seems. It's just kinda like, yes, I have feelings for him, but I'm afraid of getting hurt. I've been dating him for what, over a year now? We've never said "I love you". I'm good with going slow emotionally. Going slow is good, comfortable. But this is just getting fucked up. I am getting to the point where I am wondering whether we even have a real relationship anyway. I can't communicate with him half the time because he's shy, or because this is his first real relationship, or because his feelings are all hiding because he's too quiet or scared to say anything.
I need to probably just say it and then I won't have to worry about it. If he freaks out and runs away, fine, he would have eventually anyway, right? I just don't know if I can handle it. I mean, the co-op is so fucking couple-y. It just seems like everyone is in a serious relationship. Sometimes I feel like I go in the kitchen to hang out with people, and it's always like just two people snuggling together or eating dinner together, or eating dinner together WITH another couple. I mean, I love the co-op, but that aspect just makes me sick and scared. I'm not like that.
Finally, I went to a party tonight. For like an hour. And I just feel like I have to rant about this because it pisses me off. It seems like every time I go out I get a new nick name. Now I'm "girl who doesn't want a lap dance". Why the hell WOULD I want a lap dance? Did you ever stop to think that maybe the girl who you're coming onto ACTUALLY LIKES GIRLS? Do you think I want to get molested by you just so you can get all the guys to pay attention to you? Girl, you're skinny, I'm sure they like you. Besides, I don't think there's a guy in this house you haven't licked. Please, go molest someone else.
I don't know why I'm so fucking angsty right now. I just want to get over this bronchitis and these tests so I can go back to being neurotic.
1. Things I will never be. a. Pretty, gorgeous, glamorous b. nice, generous, kind c. cheerful, happy, socially adept d. skinny
These things really bother me. Especially (b). I feel like I was a nice kid, but somehow I grew up to be mopey and bitchy. It's not something I can really change, it's just the way I am. I don't know how to be nice. I have to rant about politics and school and whatever. I really can't stand competitive people at all. In fact conversations with them tend to end in yelling matches.
And it's frustrating, because sometimes I want to go against my nature and be one of those charming people who knows everyone and everyone likes, but then I realize that I just can't be that. I'm shy, I'm mean, I don't know how to make people feel comfortable. At best, people are intimidated by me. I don't know why. Is it the way I talk? Do I sound too intellectual? Or am I just too quiet? It's so stupid that they would be intimidated, because my self-hatred pretty much guarantees that I see myself as the lowest trash, so I don't think I'm better than them.
2. Relationships just suck. I kinda wish I wasn't in one right now. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place it seems. It's just kinda like, yes, I have feelings for him, but I'm afraid of getting hurt. I've been dating him for what, over a year now? We've never said "I love you". I'm good with going slow emotionally. Going slow is good, comfortable. But this is just getting fucked up. I am getting to the point where I am wondering whether we even have a real relationship anyway. I can't communicate with him half the time because he's shy, or because this is his first real relationship, or because his feelings are all hiding because he's too quiet or scared to say anything.
I need to probably just say it and then I won't have to worry about it. If he freaks out and runs away, fine, he would have eventually anyway, right? I just don't know if I can handle it. I mean, the co-op is so fucking couple-y. It just seems like everyone is in a serious relationship. Sometimes I feel like I go in the kitchen to hang out with people, and it's always like just two people snuggling together or eating dinner together, or eating dinner together WITH another couple. I mean, I love the co-op, but that aspect just makes me sick and scared. I'm not like that.
Finally, I went to a party tonight. For like an hour. And I just feel like I have to rant about this because it pisses me off. It seems like every time I go out I get a new nick name. Now I'm "girl who doesn't want a lap dance". Why the hell WOULD I want a lap dance? Did you ever stop to think that maybe the girl who you're coming onto ACTUALLY LIKES GIRLS? Do you think I want to get molested by you just so you can get all the guys to pay attention to you? Girl, you're skinny, I'm sure they like you. Besides, I don't think there's a guy in this house you haven't licked. Please, go molest someone else.
I don't know why I'm so fucking angsty right now. I just want to get over this bronchitis and these tests so I can go back to being neurotic.